Please Guide Me From Here..............

I’m not sure how to start… but if you’ve followed my earlier posts, you may already know the background.

Summary:
I married my best friend in 2008 through an interfaith love marriage, against both families’ wishes. Eventually, they accepted us half-heartedly. What followed was nearly a decade of constant interference and manipulation from my in-laws, until we finally decided to cut ties. Covid restrictions and then our move abroad helped us distance ourselves completely.

The in-law dynamic:

• They were cold towards my husband throughout his childhood.
• After our marriage, they suddenly showed affection, which made my husband mixed with guilt-trip and mysterious obedience to them. Which allowed them to control our lives/marriage from outside.
• After almost a decade we came to know there was black magic in play, and two different priests (one Catholic, one Hindu) separately told us that my in-laws were behind this and they use BM to influence my husband’s strange obedience to them. We were shocked, and tried distancing from them
• But, before even discuss these matters, his family cut off communication with us. We’ve had no contact for 8 years since then.
• Strangely, no one from his side asked why we stopped contact, acting like it was normal. Meanwhile, people from my side often wonder why my in-laws don’t speak with us.

Earlier this year, my husband was critically ill with gallbladder infection, surgery, and a pigtail tube. He was hospitalized for weeks and battled this condition for months. During that time, he tried reconnecting with his parents and siblings fearing the worst, but received only cold responses. No visits, no calls, nothing. I stayed by his side at the hospital for months, risking my job and leaving my kids behind, and we managed only with help from friends.

Now:

• My FIL (77) is seriously unwell (UTI, dementia, other age-related issues).
• MIL is struggling to manage his care.
• BIL2 (4 hrs away) refused to stay long in hospital with FIL, citing work and family.
  
• BIL1 (UK) recently visited, but can't stay long
• They are now asking my husband (who lives nearby and is a stay-at-home husband) to take over care responsibilities of their dad.
  

But:

• My husband is still recovering himself (fatty liver, diabetes, weak after major surgery and on food control).
• He cannot manage long hours or food restrictions from outside
• If his health declines again, i will be left to carry the entire burden—on top of my job and children.\
• He can be easily manipulated and that can ruin the hard earned peace and progress we made thus far

The concern:
BIL1 just invited my husband to dinner after 8 years of silence. Neither he nor the rest of the family checked on my husband when he was at death’s door. Now suddenly, when their father needs long-term care, they want him involved and they talk as if nothing happened.

I am almost certain they will guilt-trip him into taking on responsibilities and plan to use our our money for his treatment despite everything that’s happened. (FIL educated both BILs while my H studied in Gvt colleage in India. FIL shared his assets among these two BILs during the time we discontinued relationship)

But after all this, I truly do not want to rekindle ties with them.

Given they have invited and my H is keen on meeting his brother, I would let him go - perhaps, I too will accompany him, but not sure what to expect. Any ideas?

@Rihana @Viswamitra

 

Thanks @Viswamitra, @Rihana @DDream and @MalStrom for your wonderful advises.

Here is a small update from my end:

We met BIL-1 for dinner as a family (I paid). He was friendly, spoke warmly with the kids, and asked about my husband’s health. I reciprocated politely, and we had casual conversations before he shifted to serious matters.

He directly questioned us whether we were unaware of the issues related to our inter-religious marriage? defended his parents’ behaviour as normal for their generation, and blamed my husband for not being able to balance both his birth family and the family he created. He also criticised his ego and neglect towards elders/parents.
He further emphasized forgiving parents in old age as we can't expect them to change at this age. He further guilt-tripped my husband by saying MIL cries for her “favourite son "and choses not to interfere in his life again fearing that can harm his marriage. That's why she did not inquire about his health recently.
He also claimed neighbours and extended family criticize my husband for avoiding his parents, which makes him and myself look bad in the eyes of others.

I calmly waited until this point, but I couldn't take it beyond; thus confronted him in a polite manner, asking if he knew the real conflicts. I reminded him that my in-laws:

• Forced me to abort my first child due to an astrological prediction, and constantly brainwashed my husband for that
• Expelled me when I refused, and distanced me from their son.
• Made their son took my savings from our joint account, and make me bankrupt at the most crucial time of life
• Stopped my H from visiting us after our baby’s birth.
• Encouraged him to stop working to push me back to my high value job.
• Constantly interfered in our family.
• They also ignored us in critical times (when my husband was very ill, when we needed support with childcare (monitoring the nannies when my mom was away), and even during BIL’s engagements (we knew that only through FB updates despite of them living next door)

Things have changed drastically for the better after cutting ties with hm. Meaning there is no push, no guilt trip, no astrological threat and no emotional blackmail for my husband; hence he behaves normal as he did during our love affair before marriage.

I asked BIL if he’d accept such abuse if his wife were in my place. I told him we’ve grown stronger as a couple and family by staying away. We will support parents financially if needed, but will not rekindle toxic ties.

Though the conversation was tough, I believe I managed it somehow. My H didn't oppose to what I said, but acknowledged the fact that he was hurt not now but from the beginning due to his parents' impartial treatments and guilt tripping. He let his marriage slip in his attempts to be in the good books of his parents. To which, BIL said it was "trial and error" time for PILs as they didn't know how to love a child or how to support a child when they had their first born. But they learnt everything the hard way, including not interfering into children's marriage life. Hence BIL1 and BIL2 are leading a stress free marriage now.

Later, I learned BIL 1 is manoeuvring to secure the family house and MIL’s jewels under his name, causing tension with BIL 2. Since BIL 2 has opted out of caring for FIL, they are now targeting my husband—who is nearby, unemployed, and easy to guilt-trip.

My husband feels we can peacefully reconnect since FIL was the main culprit and he has dementia now (so no harm). But I see the same manipulative patterns in the rest of them as well and don’t trust anyone.

 

This BIL is relatively the nicest in the family. I’ve had no close encounters with him before, so no hard feelings. He has lived in the UK since 2005, visiting every couple of years, and has always been devoted to his mother. Given this, I understand he arranged the meeting to shield her from the burden of caring for his ailing father, knowing his other brother has stepped back.

Until recently, the PILs were healthy and needed little support. When FIL fell ill in last July, BIL2 provided physical care while BIL1 managed finances from the UK. Both, however, have long been interested in their parents’ assets and jewels; hence FIL's illness created rifts between them when the talks of diving the assets came in. I guess BIL1's sudden visit and BIL2's absence when his brother is in town speaks volumes about it.

With the current situation, they now need someone physically present, and unfortunately, my husband is the only one, freely available, easily guilt-trapped, and unlikely to demand or expect anything in return. So perhaps they are trying their luck.

Definitely

 

This is my signature quote, chosen a decade ago when I was facing serious challenges in life. Today, I view it positively. The ceiling that once seemed impossibly high has now become my floor, which no longer intimidates me.