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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Lakshmipav, Mar 14, 2016.

  1. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    Ladies am having issue here my mother is having severe health issues in hospital now .. Both brothers taking care they don't have insurance as far as I know ..

    As far now doctors not declared any surgery .. Can be cured with medicines but icu charges r very high in corporate hospital so I asked my husband too to contribute something ( am not working ) .. He gave 30000rs ( $500) not even 1 day charge but helped my brothers that's what I feel ..

    But he started talking really ill n bringing all past flaws that both my brothers had issues n all irresposible sons they are like that .. Am really crying one side thinking about my mom on the other hand this man taking negatively about my dad brothers .. What kind of a person he is ..? Instead of consoling me he scolding for not doing iron of his shirt n not doing dusting n all .. Am not able to concentrate on any thing now but going my regular house chores cooking cleaning taking care of baby n all .. But still don't know he is not leaving me without saying some ill about my parents ..

    Don't know how to overcome this .. Pls ..advice me .. As of now I just pray for my mom but couldn't control my anger when he speaking crap about them .. Fights r increasing between us am loosing mental peace .. Being one of child am not able to help my parents feeling guilt ..
     
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  2. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Lakshmipav, Hugs to you. You are going through a difficult time and your H is totally wrong. Of course you know that. What you also know is your H is not going to change. Why fight for things that make no sense & are not going to change any time soon?

    Right now, it is important that you concentrate on your child and pray for your mom. Shift your focus on how you can help your family.

    Do you have money saved of your own that you can give your brothers?

    Do you have relatives who can perhaps loan your family at this time of need? Your brothers can repay later.

    If none of these work, can you ask your H for a loan that your brothers can repay? Remember this should be a last ditch option. There is no need to provide that H of your's more ammunition against your family.

    Hang in there, Lakshmipav. Have faith and pray. Everything will turn out fine. Praying for you and your family
     
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  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Ask him is it the right time to talk about the so called faults of my family? Can't this wait for some other time? Just because U helped with few bucks u can't talk like that. Shall I talk the faults of ur family to u in this type of times?
     
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  4. anugamit

    anugamit Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs to you, Lakshmi. You are hanging in there for quite some now...Hold it a little more...It is difficult to keep calm in difficult times but we have to. Channelize your thoughts to positivity, just pray for your mom. When we pray for someone it is very important to have clear mind, think good. Anger is not going to help you anyway. Ignore your H comments, think he is only throwing his frustration out. He may be having some other problem, possibly financial. Tell him, you are already stressed with your mother's thoughts that you are unable to concentrate in household chores. If he scolds you, just say sorry and back out. If possible, try to take care of your mother.

    Prayers for your mother. :thumbsup :)
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't know what others have commented. But this is the more common scenario when a woman is not working/financially independent, but wants to help her FOO in an Indian family.
    There are many good hearted husbands and in laws who are more than happy to support the DIL's FOO. But sadly, they are too small to generalize. If your spouse is great in this aspect, consider yourself lucky. That's why I would always advocate for women to have financial independence.
    Because forgetting your FOO the moment you entered your marital house, and living as part of the new family forever may be good on papers, but not easy in real life!
    Helping parents is a right, duty and a privilege.
    It makes you feel guilt and sad forever, if you can't help them when they are in need. After all, they have done so much to bring you up.

    Sorry OP. Hugs to you!

    Arguing in this regard with your husband, or coming out of your way to sell your jewels to support your FOO may bring so many other issues in your marriage later on. Even if you are in a mess, no one from your FOO (other than parents) would be rushing to help you. So, accept your problems, and move on.

    Find a way to be financially independent in the future. Or at least raise your child (female) with financial independence ! Because you never know what sort of a man is sharing her life in the future. His mind-set can't be scanned during initial pre-marriage talks!
     
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  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    You have 3 options : Continue in this marriage, complaining, arguing, crying and feeling sorry for yourself, option 2 - to leave your husband and option number 3 is to continue in this marriage but with your self respect intact.

    Your husband does not value you as his wife and tries hard to show it. Stop all arguments and crying. Show him that you have self respect. Leave your baby in day care if needed and start looking for paid work. Let husband pay for day care and also contribute to house work. Let him feel the pinch of not having someone at home for taking care of everything at home. Be independent and bold. If he argues and dictates that you cannot work outside, tell him that you do not feel cared for and hence you need to take care of yourself. Again, no arguments.

    Don't feel guilty of having to leave your child at day care. You are doing this for her/him as well.

    Whatever be your educational qualification, you can always find some work. Wouldn't working as anyone be better than serving such horrible humans? OP I hope you find the strength in yourself to stand up against your emotionally abusive husband.
     
  7. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Also tell him that that 30000 rs u will payback, but u need some time . (May be ur bros can pay it back or u later when u have some money by working ) .

    Tell him u do so much for the family and u too need some savings of ur own from his salary. U can't ask him for every penny. U sacrifice ur own life when u stay at home and taking care of entire family needs.
     
  8. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly .. I said we will help some money if they come and ask us later they will give u ..

    My brothers can get lend money from somewhere for interest .. As of now they dint ask us any money .. This man only asked do they need money so safety side a human being I told keep some money ( any way it's just digital format ) a side .. He started saying why ur elder brother had 2 sobs when he can't take care of his own mother ..
    For the people like ur brothers 1 is enough .. I said what do u want them to do now .. Do u want them to throw another kid who is 1 year old then he gets money or what ..

    He is dragging me to the level speaking all non sense .. I came from poor background but still studied well worked in India ..

    Am feeling like dead already no use of me to my parents ..
     
  9. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    @kashmirflower , u spoke my words .. We don't have any financial issues .. As of now life going smooth .. This man helped his brother when he went through divorce in USA giving 10 times of money what I asked now .. But I know it's his money his brother I never stopped n even asked what u gave how much n all ..

    He buy games of worth $1000 for entertinement then is my mother life is not worth than those games ..

    If we d in financial issues I never ask it's my home my family I support him .. But he is in a position to give but just don't care about our lives ..

    Seriously I am regretting now why I married him .. I used to get 30000rs salary in India by this time I cloud have got 50000rs ..I left that job married him came to us ..

    No matter what how my health or condition till today I have all my duties as a wife n mother but still he feels it's nothing bcoz not earning ..
     
  10. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    @sgbv,

    I agree with u completely .. I don't ask him send money right now all I asked is keep some a side if at all their all attempts fail to get money then u give them .. It's for saving ones life who gave me birth n raised got me married to him..

    I did worked in India for a good company .. I don't have work authorization when I came here .. By the time I got it I am having a child who needs me .. Even when my child is 1 year old I tired for jobs .. By that time I got 3 years gap in my resume no one is willing to call me ..I asked him I want to do some online course to update my knowledge he said get it from ur dad or show ur talent by getting a job ..

    He closes all the options him self for me .. After almost five years still am struggling n dedicated towards getting job bcoz I know his nature I don't have any value or respect untill I earn n give it to him .. I forgot about what is respect after this marriage ..

    At finally he agreed n joined me in a course but keeps resisting I paid this money for u .. It's waste n all .. But I give deaf ear doing all my hard work to get job .. Now I have 5 years gap where I stay also job market not good ..
     

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