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Please advise what to do !!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SriUS, Jan 27, 2010.

  1. SriUS

    SriUS New IL'ite

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    I was thinking about this issue since almost a month and I was not able to decide what to do. I hope u all can give suggestions on what to do.

    My husband has 2 sisters elderones. After marriage, in some conversation I told DH that Ilike his sis2 rather than sis1. B'coz sis1 is arrogant nd always puts finger in every single matter in the house, nd also wants everybody to follow her desicissons(everybody at IL's place does that :rant). DH was very close with his SIS2(she lives in us), he used to share everything with her and it continued after our marriage also(which I opposed). DH while talking with SIS2,he told her that my wife likes u a lot than SIS1. This SIS2 told this thing with SIS1 and became a very huge issue. So, I told sorry to SIS1. It was like 6 yrs ago. I thought they forgot about it. But, in our recnt trip to India also my IL's was pointing me about that issue and arguing that u shouldn't have done that etc:bonk.

    Coming to my cuurent problem, every year DH used to send money to his sisters. But this year I thought since I am going for 3 months vacation we will buy sarees for them. After DH came to India we showed sarees to SIS1. but she was rejecting to take them,who wants these sarees?:rant did u asked us before u brought them etc. I told to my IL's that I am taking whatever they to gift to me and my kids and they r not asking us whether we want money or clothes? we r sponsering her sosn's education since 5 yrs it is around 70,000 per yr.This was happend in SIS1's house. we were in hurry Then DH told later we will discuss about that and I told her bye and came to IL's house. After somedays, SIS1 came to IL's house and she didn't talked properly to me. when they were leaving to there city, she didn't told bye to me, she told bye to her brother(my DH)nd I was stunned. After that I was also not talking to her. The day we were coming to US she came to IL's place nd I didn't told her bye. I am not talking to her on the phone also. Before also if DH gives phone to me then only she used to talk to me. I don't know what happend but at last moment she took those sarees nd I came to know about this at the airport only. sorry for the long post.

    My question is should I continue the same kind of relationship with her? or should I forget nd talk wiht her on the phone.her wedding annivarsary is coming soon. If I won't tlak to her then it will effect my relationship with IL's (I don't have a good relationship with them)...nd SIL2. can u suggest what u think of it.
     
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  2. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Some people simply dont have the manners. They think that they are being frank and open but they dont understand how hurt the other person feels. My cosis falls under the same category. Whatever we buy is always commented and what they give us are also not that good. but we just take them in the spirit they are given without comments.

    In your case, how big an issue it has become can only be judged rightly by you. But since you say that she took the sarees ultimately, may be nothing wrong in simply wishing her. JMO.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    hmm your dh should not have said your words to his sisters in first place he could have said my wifes likes you a lot rather than comparing between sisters
    now what ever happened my suggestion is to maintain normal relations atleast rather than having a cold war
    saying hi,bye wishing on anniversaries etc if she hurts you again then may be you can take next step of being silent spectator
     
  4. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    yes like Lavii said, I too wanted to suggest to you that you could call up your SIL1 and wish her for her aniiversary and ask how r u? and end the conversation soon.. irrespective for her willingness to talk more to you or not, give the phone to your DH.. It will look like you took a step forward.
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes my SIL does the same.. speaks her mind out if she dint like the gift but is in no position to take an negative feedback on what she gives to me & is contantly lying and justifying abu the cost/quality factor of items given to me.
    I frankly believe a person does that only when he/she knows that its really not worth it & extra praises & singing will add to the value of that trash (marketing stunts).

    My stand on it... I really dont find her intellectual levels closer to remain in constant tch with.. hence can never call her even casually except the special occasions of bday/anniv/diwali/nw yr & keep call v short. Sometimes these formalities need to be done for future peace.
     
  6. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Firstly, you dont tell your opinion about two sisters to a brother, even if that brother happens to be your husband.

    Second, you should've known your hubby well when you blabberred something like that. End of the day, you are an outsider and they are siblings. So, they will get together no matter what. You must have restricted talks only about you and your husband to your spouse !

    Third, you were the reason for the whole mess. Anyone would feel a lot awkward to speak ' normally ' to the person who said, they dont like them. So, your SIL would defintly throw tantrums whenever she can and at the chance she gets.

    You must decide what you are ready for.. Humilation or patience.

    It depends on your character, attitude and what you " can " do. There is nothing right and wrong now.. You did a mistake by telling it to your secretive hubby and all this mess. So, if your SIL is going to be that forever, she has the rights.

    So, forget about judging her character. Decide what you can/ want to do ?

    Do you have any issues if you dont maintain a good relationship with your SIL in your married life ?

    If no, then talk just as much as you want and dont go overboard making a mess of thing.

    Your PILs are obviously irritated.. Now, is that THE biggest concern ?

    Because, from your posts it does look like you made an effort to speak.. It will succeed only even if that lady responds. If she is going to throw tantrums forever, you wont succeed forever and things will be the same. This means, PILs are going to taunt you on that episode forever too. So, decide wether it is going to work that way for you.

    If I were you, and since I have tried enough to talk to her..
    I would now go into hibernation and " give her some space " !
    I will let her realise, that I am indeed sorry and that is exactly why I apologised.
    I will TOTALLY ignore how she reacts to the gifts I buy for her, because I know it well before.
    I wouldnt do anything bending backwards to ' mend ' things now and would give my mouthful to my hubby for being as silly as I am and revealed stuff I told, to his sister.
    I wouldnt want to talk to her except on anniversaries or birthdays and will keep the conversation just as a wish. Nothing more.

    If someone confronts me, I would simply explain that I have no problems to talk and have a cordial relationship with anyone, as far as they need me too. I did feel silly to have said that, but then that was when I was new to the house and didnt know much about anyone at all. I have outgrown it and if people would as well... WE CAN TALK.

    I would simply deny that I didnt speak much each time my PILs confront me and would deviate the conversation to something else.

    SIL2 in my opinion is a good sister and immature girl ! She clearly showed you that no matter what a new entry to the family thinks, the siblings would stand together. I wouldnt really trust SIL2 nor husband on any matter or preferances I feel about their family in general and would stay away from getting closer. Since my likeness to her was made fun of and didnt matter.
     
  7. Gayathri47

    Gayathri47 Silver IL'ite

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    As this behaviour of your sis1 has been going on for quite some time (I mean the basic behaviour) you can fairly say that she jst lacks manners! May ne no one bothered to correct her at the correct time!! Leave be it -
    as if you urself stop talking to this sis1, then I am sure your husband woont be too happy about it (after all he is her brother and he sponseor's this sis1's kid's education - there is some fair bond here)

    You go ahead and talk normally as nothing happened (though preaching is easier than doing it), you will jst have to learn to forgive and forget about all this behaviour of her's and wish her a happy anniversary and may be send in a small gift? (not too big - dont worry that she will again come up with the same story abt who told u to bring it? we dint ask for it? we dont like it? etc etc ) Come up with this idea with you husband (that way he will be in ur confidence) and try saying that dont talk to anyone even to sis2, because she will speak to sis1 and then there wont be any surprise for sis1...

    Try forgetting abt sis1's behaviour otherwise you will end up doing things to please her and the other sister and you IL's because they are offended by ur statement abt sis1, etc etc and forgetting to enjoy ur own beautiful life with ur DH
     
  8. lathaviswa

    lathaviswa IL Hall of Fame

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    Forget it Sri give up every girls have these problems have relation with her in normal way.she will feel sorry for what happened atleast in the future.

    so cheer up.dont worry.
     
  9. SriUS

    SriUS New IL'ite

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    Thank u all for your time to read my post and advices. I was sick so couldn't give an early reply.

    Drpreethis- thanks for ur very detailed reply.it made me clear my mind and decide lots of things.

    Let me tell u guys one morething, I told my DH that I didn't like his sis1 when we were having a general discussion of whom u like more..ur father,mother etc. SIS2 is also very clever always talks nicely with us, nd while talking if we slip our tounge or say just a common thing also she understands it differently and the next second they r passsed to my IL's. My stupid IL's won't even want to listen what we have to say.They won't even listen to there son's reply. So,I am maintaining distance for myself also. SIS2 was very close to DH before marriage and he used to think that she is same after our marriage but NO. It took DH about 6 yrs to understand this:bonk. when DH slipped his tounge about how I don't like SIS1 when he was talking to SIS2. DH always talks openly. SIS2 is very talkative and always tries to grab new things from us nd passes them to IL's.

    Anyways, coming to current issue eventhough I didn't wanted to talk to SIS1 even on her marriageday, after reading all of ur replies made me think that I should take first step in initiating talks and I did. I am glad that I did that, eventhough I don't want to see her or talk to her in my life ..I have to :spin.. I guess u can't escape from some relations..even if u want to.
     

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