Please advise on relaionship with over possessive mother

wastemoney · Feb 15, 2010

Hello:rotfl
I am new to this site a very good site. I want advise or your valuable opinions.
I am the only child of my parents till 27 I did not get married I dont know why I think my parents were not that keen then I found a good partner and we eventually married. But still my mother blackmailed me or say due to circumstances beyond our control we stayed with my parents. I had my children's while staying with them my mother all the time interfered with our life to a great extend. But because we both were working and were living in India we had lots of emotional outlets and we were busy. so the interference was not felt that much. Then my father died and the question of moving out on our own did not arise. Then we shifted overseas and we along with our children came but my mother followed us within a few days and though we were not that well off we accepted it. Here also she controls our life and she her self does not go out of the house nor does allow us to go for long outings even after coming to a foreign country we have not toured like many of our counterparts. I cannot go out for picnics with out her and if she comes she sits in a corner with out talking to any one. She expects us to behave like her so going out only to work , do all the work fast fast. She always walks about the house as if hunting for some thing or always listening to what we say . I feel so cramped. When ever we talk she always complain about the children or what to make. she insists on doing all the cooking and if I make any dish she will not eat. Our relation is very strained if we talk it is to fight. And all this my children are experiencing. I long to have a good loving talk with her but then I remember even when I was small we never talked it was only her telling me to study and get a job or other advises. What to do will I ever get a day to experience my family with no interferences. What do u say???????? I want to run my house and take decisions while all the time thinking that my mother is watching or will tell me off. Is there any way that I can live an independent family life?

lavii · Feb 15, 2010

hey
usually its from mil but in your case seems your mom
i am a single child to parents too and i am taking care of mom since my dads demise
but good thing is my mom wont interfere in our matters at all
why dont you talk openly to your mom about these issues
i feel its better for her to realise it than you taking the pressure everyday
she definitely needs you now as you being only child i feel its your responsibily to take care of her after your dad
but i know unwanted and unasked suggestions always lead to a unhealthy relationship so better you talk to her once and let her know your issues

mithy232 · Feb 15, 2010

I want to talk about this.....

My grandma [mom's mom] is possessive about my mom and you know what she did. My dad is not educated and my mom is very intelligent & educated. When my dad fell in love [not love, it is lust] with my mom, my grandma asked my mom to marry him and my mom blindly obeyed that. To the world, it is a love marriage. My grandma thought that my dad would also obey her and my mom will always stay with her. We all stayed together. But nothing worked out btw my dad & mom. My dad is not a good person and he married my mom with a calculation that my mom would earn so much...She does....but she enjoyed nothing in her life. she doesn't know how it feels to be in love or what happiness means....She will tell everything to my grandma and ask her to decide things for her. Same way, I was also brought up but now I changed.

When my mom got promotion & transfer, I asked her to take it up and start a new life far away from my dad. Later me & brother joined her and we are a family today. My mom started living her life in her 40's....thats ok...I want her to be happy at least now.

A person has to follow his/her own heart...not always living by others views even it is his/her MOM. There is a limit for everything! You are grown up and you can live your life. Talk to her...first time she won't understand you. You live your life and one day she might realize....BTW what your DH feels towards your mom??? I really want to know how he tolerates her......

Take care!

wastemoney · Feb 16, 2010

Hey thank you for the reply
In my case my husband tolerates her because he loves me very much he says that she should go to India onces in a while for holidays at least, so as to give us space. My mother listens to every thing but does what she wants she will never go , if we bring up the subject she says that we dont want her and all the emotional blackmailing stuff and now a days she says that if she goes she will not return. I have no idea: she acts all docile but only we know what lies underneath she is so possessive that I cannot even clean the fridge alone singing because she will be in the background watching what I am doing for goodness sake I am nearing 50. I tried talking to her but she will put a stone face or start crying or making me feel guilty . ???????????? Because of her my in laws have never visited us ,in the initiall stages they did not want to come over now they want to but mother is there. All a catch 22 situation. We love traveling but due to her we cannot she will not come nor will she allow us to go . Now my children will fly away and we will be alone so the joy of travelling along with our children will be lost. Advise

sonusun · Feb 16, 2010

Dear Wastemoney,
did I read you are nearing 50 & still let your mom run all over you. I am also only kid for my parents & my over possessive & over the top parents did not even bother to get me married........They did not even bother to find a groom.
At the age of 28 I happened to finally fall in love or shud I say I was chased across entire US by my present dh & we got married.
My parents especially my mom always tried to control me, dh now my kids & always always carried tales to my dh against me(when I am off to work...I leave home for work by 6am & dh drops kids at school at 845am & then goes to work).....dh told her off saying shes ur daughter u brot her up so u just need to put up with her nakras, behaviour just like I am.........& shes also putting up with me.

now I have completely cut off relationship with them for last 6 months......no contacts..........why u must be wondering.dad & mom landed up in USA last summer saying they will come for a visit & expected me to do her permanent residence & when I refused she went around telling all my neighbours I dont care of them...........between my neighbours are all indians so everyone believed her .........poor old lady why cant me(her daughter) take care of frail old parents.

Please pack up your mom to india & Please please relax & enjoy ur life before its too late.
I am saying this from my personal experience.

Take care

wastemoney · Feb 23, 2010

Thank you for the advise I am relieved that there are many like me that is similar situation. I my case I lost my father nearly 16 years ago and now my mother is alone and she is not close to any relative due to her own will and wish and she cannot stay alone she is scared, very tricky situation. Any way need to find a way out.

regards

Foundlove · Feb 27, 2010

Dear Wastemoney,
Please don't loose any more time or precious moments in your life.

have a sit down and talk to your mother.Tell her how this situation is affecting your marriage and inform her that you don't want to not take care of her but need a break once in a while.

Suggest that she may take a tour of all relatives places in India and you can pay for that.Go on a packaged tour of europe or something like that.

no mother wants their daughter's life to go bad...talk to her she will undestand.Please try to enroll her in some senior voluntary activities..

maybe even story telling in library or gather some Indian kids and mom can teach Indian stories,songs,etc....

Good Luck..

rexamus · Apr 15, 2010

Bro, you're not living in Mom's house any longer, she's living in YOUR house. That means the rules change. Frankly, you need to grow a pair, be a man, and put your mom in her place.

If her actions are doing serious damage to the happiness of your family, it's your responsibility to deal with it. Your obligations should belong to your wife and children first.

Besides she'll get over it--my mom did and our relationship is better than ever.

Sarnika · May 6, 2010

Dear Wastemoney,

OMG I totally understand your situation because my parents are exactly like that! I really feel for you. Being in this situation, it's real difficult to step back and think clearly for a solution. Honestly, you have to take the best advice people have for you here on this forum because an outsider looking in can give you insight into understanding your problem and finding a solution.

I say you're a married adult, you have the right to make decisions in your family's best interest, so DON'T FEEL BAD! You have the right to tour or go out with your family, to cook what you want, and to run the house the way you want. Your mother sounds like a very controlling person. Could it be that she's acting this way because she feels like she doesn't get the kind of attention she's seeking? It also sounds like that's just the way she is, like it's impossible for her to make an issue out of everything. Some of it also sounds like just bad habits. It's hard to change people like this because their past experiences or the way the grew up made them the person they are.

All you can do is explain to her lovingly that the next time you go out, you're doing it to spend quality time with your family. Establishing communication and understanding is the key here.There's nothing wrong with relaxing and enjoying life. If she continues with her ways, ignore her negativity. Be strong in your decisions, but be kind and respectful to her. This way if she is ever comes to understand you, she will respect you for being a good daughter and will have nothing to speak ill of you. You also will have peace of mind that you didn't do anything wrong. I'm guessing this situation can get pretty bad at times, I'm speaking from experience. If possible, remember to never say anything to her out of anger. Just treat her well, give her the care u can give. Anything else, try not to worry about it.

If it seems like things still don't improve, then you have to make a decision to have your mother live seperate from you. My parents forced my older siblings to this decision several times. But if you have to make this decision for the sake of your sanity and your children, then that's what you gotta do. It sucks, but you tried.

Sarnika · May 6, 2010

Dear Wastemoney,

OMG I totally understand your situation because my parents are exactly like that! I really feel for you. Being in this situation, it's real difficult to step back and think clearly for a solution. Honestly, you have to take the best advice people have for you here on this forum because an outsider looking in can give you insight into understanding your problem and finding a solution.

I say you're a married adult, you have the right to make decisions in your family's best interest, so DON'T FEEL BAD! You have the right to tour or go out with your family, to cook what you want, and to run the house the way you want. Your mother sounds like a very controlling person. Could it be that she's acting this way because she feels like she doesn't get the kind of attention she's seeking? It also sounds like that's just the way she is, like it's impossible for her to make an issue out of everything. Some of it also sounds like just bad habits. It's hard to change people like this because their past experiences or the way the grew up made them the person they are.

All you can do is explain to her lovingly that the next time you go out, you're doing it to spend quality time with your family. Establishing communication and understanding is the key here.There's nothing wrong with relaxing and enjoying life. If she continues with her ways, ignore her negativity. Be strong in your decisions, but be kind and respectful to her. This way if she is ever comes to understand you, she will respect you for being a good daughter and will have nothing to speak ill of you. You also will have peace of mind that you didn't do anything wrong. I'm guessing this situation can get pretty bad at times, I'm speaking from experience. If possible, remember to never say anything to her out of anger. Just treat her well, give her the care u can give. Anything else, try not to worry about it.

If it seems like things still don't improve, then you have to make a decision to have your mother live seperate from you. My parents forced my older siblings to this decision several times. But if you have to make this decision for the sake of your sanity and your children, then that's what you gotta do. It sucks, but you tried.