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please advise...left husband home...no contact

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rookie000, Oct 20, 2012.

  1. Rookie000

    Rookie000 New IL'ite

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    hi....i really need advise from you people about what should i do? I have been married since two years and had an arrange marriage. Me and my husband had a long courtship in which i had felt a number of times that he and i are very different people but still felt that time changes things and got married. he had been an aggressive and short tempered person. However in two years os marriage we both had a lot of arguments and fights on small issues but often reached dirty level. my in laws mostly used to keep quite or support my husband indirectly and always expected me to adjust. The family enviornment is very different as well in which each person live thier own life unconcerned about other whereas i come from a very affectionate family. even i saw my in laws fighting and having cold wars for as long as 4 months with each other which i used to find really strange. I was also mostly left alone with an indifferent attitude without any support from anyone as a result i came back to my parents house a number of times, but after week or two, both families talked out the issue and i used to be sent back hoping things would be better.

    however this time i had an issue with my husband cause of which we again had a fight. He made it difficult for me to stay by giving me silent treatment for weeks despite of my continous efforts to have a conversation with him. As a result i gave up again and came back to my parents house. As before i was leaving i front of my husband and in laws and no one made an attempt to stop me or have a talk. Now i am at my parents house since a month and there has been no contact by my husband or anyone else though i didnt had any issue with the family. I still do have feelings for my husband and want our marriage to work but not by totally surrendeing myself and things seem hopeless from that pov.

    i am really lost as what sholud i do as i dont want my family or me to initiate the talks again as then they expect me to adjust and compromise in everything which i have done and cannot do more.

    please help and advise me as to what should i do? should i jst wait for more time or think about divorce as an option. Kindly help
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2012
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  2. BharatS

    BharatS Gold IL'ite

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    Try marriage counselling. Hope that it works.
     
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  3. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    What was the issue? Why did your husband stop talking to you? This silent treatment I simply fail to understand...
     
  4. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    In such a family environment please don't expect them to call you back. His parents too have such mind set. There is no way anyone from family will ask your husband to call you back. Try if any friend can help you. Some common friend or a family person whom you can trust. If he was silent you should have given him same treatment, he have that type of atmosphere so he will be like that. I hope they don't create any scene for your coming back. If you think you can mange all well, then don't wait. Go yourself, no worries as you left yourself and no one stopped. I wish you can go there again. If you can't go then try to speak to your husband somewhere near his workplace. You can find some ideas to speak to him out of house. At least once you try and tell him all your feelings. He may think about both of your life leaving his parents stressful ideas behind.. I think if you post about the fight issue for whihc he stopped talking to you.. many ILites here can suggest you wonderful ideas.
     
  5. navyar

    navyar Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Rookie000,

    Can I tell you something ...

    Mostly in arranged marriages, you encounter many things that doesn't match between you and your husband.

    You have to adjust n compromise a little and work towards 'being together'. I mean you shouldn't opt to run away each time you and your husband fight.

    You said "number of times" you went back to your parents. Think from his point of view also. He must be embarrassed to bring you back all the time involving the whole two families in the scene. May be you need to also understand him.

    You said "I had been an aggressive and short tempered person" - May be you have got to do something with yourself. May be you aggressiveness and short temper were the major reasons for your fights.

    Also understand a point. We see many sweet couples, who shared good understanding and love between them, falling apart because of the too much interference n manipulation of the In-Laws, esp MILs.

    In your case, you said your inlaws are quite. Supporting your husband indirectly is negligible when compared to influencing him.

    One more thing - you said fights and arguments on small issues. Just think whether you can ignore them for the sake of your relation.


    If you really want your marriage to work, sometimes, You need to push yourself to the 'uncomfortable zone' too.

    Anyways, you haven't shared the actual problems between you and your husband.

    You are the right judge. If you think you have adjusted and compromised a lot and you can do no more .. then think of the other options.

    If you want to work it out then try getting in touch with your husband - And be humble as much as you can and try understanding his discomfort and how you both can work out differences.

    Good luck!
     
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  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    You are lucky that your inlaws dont interfere and mind their business.
    Any parent would take their child's side.
    Since you have had a love marriage its your and your hubbies responsibilty to hold on to it.
    Dont expect your parents or his parents to step in , your choice , your life.
    Also dont expect DH to come and beg youto return, its your decision.
    You can go back if you wish , its your home.
     
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  7. shreevidyagreat

    shreevidyagreat New IL'ite

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    Hi

    I am staying separately for the past 4 months. And there is no calls/msgs. And i feel ur is simple. U be patient.
    Many families think guy are strong. I mean guy family is strong. so they wont initiate. But not everyone. time will heal. just wait or call him and talk. but dont leave more gap.dont think of divorce.
     
  8. Rookie000

    Rookie000 New IL'ite

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    thanks for replies...
    first of all i had by mistake written i had been an aggressive and short tempered person.... i meant to say that he has been an aggressive and short tempered person.

    secondly there is no doubt that we have had small arguments on which he often used to say very bad things which are beyond acceptance for any female. Often i used to feel that maybe i have instigated him to say such things but it had become our daily pattern to fight. I don't know but this time my conscious is not allowing me to initiate a talk with him as when i had done that before i was always insulted by him further which really made me feel miserable.

    i m lost as to what should i do but right now i m sure about not initiating from my side. One of his relative with whom even i m close to knows about the whole thing and spoke to me the day i had left and told me that he will talk with my husband also. i dont know what happened there also.

    nyways i m jst lost.....
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Meet your DH and talk to him about the issue. That's the only way this can be sorted. Ask him why does he says those things and give explanations if required.
    Don't be scared of being insulted, at least you would have tried your best.
     
  10. insha

    insha Gold IL'ite

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    I can understand how low you feel when your DH abuses you for no big reason.I think you should ask your parents to talk to him rather than you initiating something.Let them firmly say that you cannot be treated badly,and ask your inlaws what further plans they are having..If even this doesnt work out,try involving some elders in his family who they are in good touch with.
     

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