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please advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nebpharm, Jun 8, 2013.

  1. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Relatives hardly solve problems, they usually contribute to them.
    Why not have one-to-one meeting with H without family?
    Then you can tell him your terms and conditions about no abuse.
    Maybe relatives are influencing your parents to send you back.
    Similarly your H could be pressurized by his relatives not to bend etc.

    But at the end of the day both you and H are wasting precious time.
     
  2. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    dear all,
    thanks for the suggestions.My parents are wid me especialy my mom is more than 100 persent wid me. my father is still in hope but he never pressurize me. its my uncle(mt father's elder brother)who is the person who took the responsibility to unite us. actully he is also very egoistic like my h. may b he relates wid him. my sis is wid me but everone want us to talk before taking any further action. there is no harm in this but i want to eliminate everyone else in this . I had asked so many times for councelling for gud or bad. But he doesnt want to , so I asked my relatives to ask him . Now he is taking my relatives on the ride too.
    Ok my plan. I will meet him . I know relative of both sides will b there. I cant said to them to leave immidiately out of respect. I will first clear out all the lies on his face then will demand a proffessional councellin as my condition. lets see what happen.
     
  3. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    Please understand one thing clearly, Ria. Your man's emotion and expression of needing you back in his life is 100 % GENEUINE.

    A man needs companionship , love and affection from the partner as much as a woman.

    So, trust his feeling............of needing you back in his life. But, unfortunately, however genuine this feeling may be, that does not guarantee that the future togetherness of you and him will be free from the old issues.

    The old issues, which made you come away from him and live separately for the past six months, may very well crop up again.............in a lesser degree , at least.

    But, do not suspect his intentions and emotions of needing you back in his life. They are 100 % genuine. There is no double-speek at least in this emotion of a husband.
     
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  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Of course H wants his punching bag DW, she should cook, earn, bear kids and get abused again.
    Please be strong and try to keep your uncle out of negotiations, your H must be happy to find a kindred spirit in your family.
    Your parents may get your H to reform and if you have to stress that the there will be no next episode .
    Even counselors cannot do much if the person is stubborn and unwilling to change.
     
  5. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    @Indianguy- The reason that I am doubting his intentions is my son. he is just 2 year old . so far I am fulfulling all the responsibilities. he is very young so the chances are that I will get his full costudy. But if I go back n this thing repeats after say 5 years(my H can do this very easily), then the fight would be very difficult for me. He knows it well. he never mention even the name of my son during our talks. he doesn't show his vulnerability towards him . this makes me more suspitious. yes, the things are this bad. lack of mutual trust is main thing. By councelling I can know about his real agenda. I think he may brainwash my son as I will obviously working in near future. I cant make my son his tool to satisfy his ego. I want to give him a normal life , with or without father. I can do this. But cant allow complexities in his life.
    I know the councellors cant change a person if he is not willing but in that case my doubts will be cleared. May be its his ego that how could she left me??? I will bring her back n leave him when she will be good for nothing??? Ya I am planning to take out my uncle respectfully. today I talked to my father n made him aware of my doubts n feelings. he is very upset about my future as we are small family. I am youngest one and all my sisters n brothers are busy wid their life. But I cant ruin my life like this na??
     
  6. Wondergirl137

    Wondergirl137 Gold IL'ite

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    His subtle showing that he wants you back or wants peace is just a big facade. If he wants it so so much then he should come forward and state it in clear words and accept his fault as well. He is playing mind games - he knows that by doing this he can manipulate you (even if only a bit) and he has succeeded you see...he has made you re-think about your decision. He knows you are still emotionally connected to him and he is making use of your good feelings for manipulation. This manipulation is like a remote - controlling you even when he is not with you - he is ruling what and how you think and ultimately your decision. I don't think kind people or people in love manipulate this big-time. We females take even these subtle hints seriously and take the whole and sole burden of making the relationship alright on ourselves when in actual it is possible only in movies. I have read your other posts and feel that you have been really strong and I am sure you would take a fair decision :)
     
  7. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    I am stressed out. big time!!! I dont want meetings and all. I have to meet wid him n his bodtguards. he is busy that day so wants to meet a day before. now i hav some plans relating to my jobb that day n my folks r suggesting me to drop everything n meet h. y??? he his earning for himself n i have to start my job for me n my baby too. y shld i always prioritize his needs, his job ???
    i m going as per my plan. if he want to meet to meet he shld figure out somehow . n no its not my ego. i m tired putting his wishes forward everytime. no meeting can b more imp that ur life. this matter shld b his priority.
    sometimes, i feel that i shld say that i dont want councelling or meetings. this guy will never change n i want to quit from this marriage. i m so frustated n hopeless. but something is pulling me back. may b lack of trust on myself. a job can help in this. being independent is very imt now. my mental peace is shattered.
     
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  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Stick to your plan, he is trying to put you down , to show that his work is more important not yours.
    Your people are not supporting you, they seem to want you to go back at all costs.
    You can lay down the condition that you will meet him if he comes alone.
    Tell your parents that they can hope for a reconciliation only if they allow you to meet alone.

    He knows that you are cornered as your people want you to go back to him on his conditions.
    It would be good to let parents know that you plan to move out as soon as possible, this will make them realize that you are serious and will not be pressurized to go back to lead a life of abuse.
     
  9. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    hi flowerlady,
    actully nobody is asking me to go back n deal wid abuse. they want me to meet him alone. but I dont want it. I want to meet in front of some nutral person. who can account for wat he said n what I said. He simply refuses anything as per his convinience. so I asked for a councellor. My parents want me to meet him n also concerned about his work(becoz of his earlier brainwash mission) I am sticking to my plan . meeting or no meeting i am not concerned much.
    I am very upset as I thought my folks will be stronger thatn this.
     
  10. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Perhaps your family feels that giving importance to your H will soothe his ego and make things easier.
    If you want a neutral person he can insist on his family members to witness and standby his conversation.
    If there is so much of distrust and enmity how can anyone think of surviving for decades in such a marriage?

    Your parents are playing it safe, they are supporting you but also want you to have a happy married life and are playing along with H.
    Its sad but true that even educated people holding good positions feel that a woman should tolerate abuse and sustain the marriage .
     

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