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please advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nebpharm, Jun 8, 2013.

  1. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,
    I am living with my parents from last 6 months. during the period I met wid DH once n talked few times. we met at the mediation cell in the presence of our relatives. basicaly i am against of involving the relatives or anyone n have a chat one -o- one. but both of the parties are high on emotions so they joined. after the meeting he called n we talked about 5 hrs. he repeated the same things n wants me to come back in same circumstances which i denied ofcourse. I told him my conditions .the chat was unproductive n he said he will never ever call me again call me(though he messaged the next day ) now some daz back my uncle called him at his home. I was not there. my dh said lies n opposed the exact things which I asked him as my conditions. I mean he just brainwashed my uncle too. for eg I asked him to have atleast one meal wid me as a family. he said to my uncle that ria dont make dinner or breakfast so i had to eat out:spin. It is a big fat lie. but my uncle trusted him as i was not there to explain. there are so many examples like this.
    Now my problem is that after goin through 6 years of physical , verbal , emotional abuse I want to quit. But my family wants to give this marriage an another chance. I am doin this for their sake but dont want to explain everyone again n again that i am right , he is lying , he is acting bla bla. My uncle said that in next meeting he will talk to both of us face to face. Ok! but again this tamasha n same lies. I am fed up. should I refuse to go for second meeting??? I am hopeless about him. or should face him n explain everyone what the reality is. he is saying these things to my other relatives too.should I askfor his explanations in front of every one. My uncle is educated but conservative so he is playing that card wid him.

    one more thing , why he wants me to come back as it clearly shows that he have no respect for the relationship n he is still hurting me. and why he is telling rubbish n making me more angry if he realy wants me back???
     
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  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP,

    Hugs to you. I remember reading your other posts too. Since he's clearly being manipulative and is keen on showing you in bad light, just say no. Please just leave him.

    I got this from a lawyer. Once you've mAde a decision, don't tell anyone details of anything or incident. As a girl, you will be blamed ALWAYS for not having reacted properly to diffuse that isolated incident! Just keep repeating that I want to leave. This is beyond explanation. Don't let wellmeaning but clueless relatives come in between sweetheart. You have been really strong till now. Dump this tosser and carry on with your life.

    please continue to be strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Hugs again
    G
     
    6 people like this.
  3. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    I know that he is manupulating. but he knows me well. why he is makingme more angry?
    whats his intentions. he didnt saw his son from last 5 months. I mean my son looks a duplicate copy of dh. I am now unsure about his love towards my son too. then why he is showing that he is trying to get me back. why he is not saying to me that ok go to hell. I ddont want you back . he is showing this to me again n again by his gestures.
    I want to have peace. either way. I am too unsure about his intentions.
     
  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Maybe he is playing with your emotions,certainly its not love.
    Stop reacting and cut all emotional cords with him.
    He wants to see you in pain, let go.
    Sometimes a man may not be interested in his kids , he can always have more with another woman, remarry.
    No expectations, no disappointments.
     
  5. RadiantFlower

    RadiantFlower Platinum IL'ite

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    It's because he knows that you have no choice but to accept him just the way he's always been - then why 'change'?!

    Change must come from within, and your husband even after a cooling-off period of six months seems not to have changed at all or even tried to make the slightest effort to value you as a wife and what you brought into the relationship.

    If you choose to go back - it's to the certainty that you will receive more of the same treatment.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. positivegal

    positivegal Gold IL'ite

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    I hate this relatives surrounded during these kind of meetings. I experienced this with my ex, and I can say thats the most dreadfull thing in my life, where a relative of his side asked, how can you kiss your husband infront of your in-laws ??? I felt like slapping that guy but couldn't..:rant
    Yes, I kissed hum...so what...I didnt kiss some stranger on road..and moreover I didn't knew inlaws were watching.

    Please have one to one meeting, and solve the problem. When you both got in to a decision then involve elders. I guess your dh is not ready to accept his faults, wants to prove you are wrong...feeling that you will go back to him.
     
  7. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear nebpharm,
    Never go to him. The mind-set of your parents need to change.It is you who will suffer at the end tolerating the tortures. Don't care a damn about the relatives.
     
  8. today123

    today123 New IL'ite

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    i agree with one to one talk and relatives of both side out.
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Since he has no intentions to change himself for you..... its clear he's yearning for his SON... for the basic reason that his SPERM was involved.... not sure abu his parenting skills tho... most of the fathers have to impose their parenthood of the child for the contribution of SPERM and genetic lineage...........

    He's giving crap to your extended family and family becos he knows that they'll believe in him by all hook n crook and u'll be sent back sooner or later... and he has to show that he made the efforts to call you back "ON HIS OWN TERMS".
    Now always remember its you who'll have to again face the abuse ... neither ur parents or your extended family... is your life so meaningless to be abused time and again just becos insensitive ppl around you feel that a 2nd, 3rd or Nth chance shud be given for the marriage to work...

    I think its best to become independent and move out or parents and such relatives clutches who have the same mentality as your H and feel that you should be going back to such a H.... Now since you also call him DH stilll...... ur parents and family can't be blamed alone.............
     
  10. MrsPotluri

    MrsPotluri Senior IL'ite

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    Hi nebpharm,

    First of all, I must commend you on your courage and strength. You should always feel proud of who you are and what you stand for.

    It's a sad truth that family comfort and happiness, esp in our culture, tends to trump the betterment of an individual. Your situation is a true testament to this. It seems from what you're sharing with us is that your family wants you to suck it up and turn a cheek to all the suffering and manipulation you've endured, just for the sake of their comfort and possibly image.

    I agree with the other IndusLadies postings here that you have made up your mind and nothing can change it. So why, like you said, continue the drama? I also agree that your decisions are yours and yours alone. I know you want to turn to your loved ones for support and naturally we feel security in numbers by confiding in mom's, dad's, cousins, uncles and aunties...but when it comes to marriage, even the ending of one; its between two people and that's the husband and wife.

    My advice, stop telling your family about your marital decisions. Soon as possible, try moving out of your parents home as it is easy to be vulnerable around your parents. Don't get them involved and don't let them manipulate you like your soon-to-be ex into staying and fighting the fight. Extended family will constantly ask, interfere and "advise" but you need to gather your courage, your confidence and will power to draw the line in the sand and call it quits. On your own!

    No one should ever tolerate abuse, in ANY form. Leave. Do it for you, do it for your future happiness. Everyone should live their life in peace, you included.

    If by chance, you still need that support look into a 3rd party support system. There are many women's activists and advocates who are also lawyers who would even do a case like this pro-Bono. Have him/her sit with you can coach you through your game plan to start over as well as the mediation process.

    A lot of people will say the obvious, and sometimes the obvious is the hardest thing to accept. In your case, don't let anyone or anything stop you. No words, no actions. Just stick to the plan to make a better life for you. Uncles, aunties and every other Tom, Dick and Harry in the family will want for you what they feel is in THEIR better interest but remember in the end the only one looking out for you is you.

    I send you love, white light, positivity and nothing but good vibes through this difficult time in your life. You have it in you to do better for you....don't give up!
     

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