Please advice!!

namitha · Jun 24, 2010

Hi friends, How are you? I am a regular visitor of Indus ladies and I love this site. I really need some advice here, and looking forward to it.

I am eldest of 3 kids to my parents, and theirs is a love marriage, My dad is a hindu and my mom a christian. They brought us up thru many hardships. I love them and they are nice people too. I am married now to a nice guy who loves me a lot, understands me. My in laws are also nice people, even though there are some ups and downs, they are not over bearing or over possessive people.

The problem is that I feel my parents interfere too much in my married life. My dad tells what to do, how to do, when to do and everything. He even tells me not to have kids because we need to settle down first. I feel that is for me and my husband to decide. Is nt it? I appreciate that he cares about me, but dont you think there is a limit to tell things after getting married? My dad always talks low of my husband`s family, bad mouth them. My husband never bad mouths anyone in my family and he respects my parents. I told my dad many times not to speak so, but he never listens. He just keeps on saying they are cunning, bad etc etc. It feels so bad. My mom supports my dad , as always.

whenever I call home, my dad says not to come back to India because we need to look after my in laws. I feel thats ridiculous. After getting married, I am still my parents`s daughter, is it not the same with my husband too? How can he leave his parents just like that? How can my dad even think like that?

We recently moved and we had some need of money. I asked my dad, even though my husband told me not to ask. My dad has money, but he is saying today that he is not sending it to us, cos my husband needs to learn a lesson about saving money, and not sending it to his family. I felt bad, friends! Whatever it is, if he can help, I would be happy or else he can just plainly say no. There is no need of talking like that, is nt it?

I am really confused and hurt now. what should I do? what are the boundaries with parents after getting married? Please some one help me.

I appreciate your time and patience.
Have a great day.

Namitha.

rose8282 · Jun 24, 2010

Ok..there are 3 issues here from my point of view...I may be wrong,but its my opinion)1)COnstant advice from father: I dont think its wrong for a father to advice his daughter..Whats wrong in that?Plus what he's saying is right as to the timing of kids..that first you have to settle down.Just because you are married..doesnt mean you stop being their child,is it?Once think,tomorrow your child will marry and then say ''please,i dont want your advices anymore!""BUT...Listening and implementing them depends on you..whether you want to take it.You can make him understand...or just be calm..Dont take away the right of being a father from him...2)Constant nagging about husband and inlaws: Why?DId something happen? Why is he bitter...did you marry against his wishes?Whatever it is...just explain to him...maybe write a mail/letter explaining your concerns and not to badmouth your inlaws..as this may affect your relations.Maybe speak to ur mother??You would not want a bitter relation with ur DH right....he has some level of patience.Do not convey your father's feelings to your husband either...You must strike a balance and not talk bad about your father to your husband and vice versa.3)You made a mistake by asking money from your father without asking your husband...it will create a big problem and your hubby might feel bad if he knows you did that...PLease..never do such things which hurt a man's ego.What if your father tells this to your inlaws/husband tomorrow?That your husband is sending money to ur inlaws is none of your father's business...Now that you asked him for money...his reply is apt and correct.Anyone would say that...so try to be careful in these matters...oh and i forgot...your father is wrong in saying that dont come to india because you have to take care of inlaws....ask him if he wants to be treated that way.Sorry for the bhashan...i hope i didnt hurt u.Maybe im wrong and someone can give a better perspective!!

namitha · Jun 24, 2010

Hi Rose

Thank you for your advice. May be I am so tiered of getting constant advice from my Dad. He is a nice guy, but thing is sometimes he is like that. As you said may be I need to just take the advice or stay calm. My in laws didnt like me being their DIL because my dad is a hindu...my husband `s family is orthodox christian. so, they did not treat them well. so, things are a bit hard between them, no big fights though.
As you said may be I should nt have asked my dad money. I was wrong. Hereafter I need to be careful with what I am speaking and how I am behaving. I can not hide things from my parents, may be blurt out just like that.

It felt good to have some one to lend an ear to listen and set my thinking straight. Thank you so much!

rose8282 · Jun 25, 2010

Hi Namitha....I hope I didnt hurt you!I could see from the first post that he loves you a lot....thats why I asked you to see in a different perspective.Your father could be interfering...but you as a daughter can really brush it off saying ''ya..ya what else..''.....I usually do that whenever my parents ask me to exercise..haha!!!!!Plus we as women now need to balance both homes...Im glad you found my post somewhat helpfulIm sorry...there is some error while posting in this forum..thats why space or enter option doesnt seem to work and most of my posts dont have spaces,which makes it difficult to understand.

1janavi · Jun 25, 2010

Namitha,
You need to step your foot firmly and tell your dad that his interference will cause trouble in your happy marriage.Tell him if your happiness is what that matters the most to him then he should refrain from giving suggestions.
And it was really a bad decision to ask your Dad for money while your husband din't want to.Tell your Dad not to bring this up anytime again ..firmly.

Vennella · Jun 25, 2010

Dear Namitha,

Asking your dad for help with money, that too, behind your husband's back is not right. From your post i see that your parents tend to look down on your husband and his parents. I can understand how you feel when your own parents make such comments about your husband and in-laws. Especially when your husband and in-laws are respectful to your parents. If I were you, I would limit what i tell my parents. Even if they offer advice or make comments, just take it light. Change topic. Hang up the phone. If it still doesn't stop, take a stand and tell them firmly that you don't want to hear such stuff. Sometimes we need to be firm even with parents.

namitha · Jun 25, 2010

Hi Rose, You did nt hurt me, I needed some one to make me see in a different perspective, Thanks a lot for your advice. Where do you stay? I am in New york now.

namitha · Jun 25, 2010

Hi Vennela and janavi

Thanks a lot for your advices. My husband is a nice guy, he knows that I asked my dad money. I was just trying to help him, as I am not working here, I could not contribute to anything. May its that guilt which made me ask my dad money. I never thought I was hurting him by asking my dad money. Here after I wont repeat that mistake.
My husband is not a money person, nor is my dad. I understood that money makes or breaks relationships. I was not even thinking how it makes my husband feel. Thanks a lot guys! I appreciate your time and help.
Nice to meet you both.
Have a great weekend.
Namitha.

contented · Jun 25, 2010

First of all, I feel that you should tell your dad firmly to stop badmouthing your DH's family as they are also part of your family.

Secondly, you should not ask your dad for money. Show him that you and your DH are capable of solving your problems on your own. So that automatically he will stop interfering and stop telling you what to do.

Thirdly, if he doesnt stop interfering and constantly advising, then you need to tell him gently that you are now a big girl and that you and your DH are capable of doing things on your own.

Lastly, if nothing else works, just think of all the positive things about your dad and ignore ignore ignore the negatives...