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Plead guilty once again or not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Peace777, Aug 1, 2009.

  1. Peace777

    Peace777 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks folks for your response. It definitely is a bit consoling and assuring to know these things from someone else's point of view. A few weeks ago until i had not discovered this forum, i was at a point of breakdown, and felt the world is ending coz my in-laws are like this :) When i read the stories of other women who have also been through this, it made me feel i am not alone, and its not just happening to me, and probably not as bad as some of the other incidents i have been reading. This forum definitely has meant a lot to me. :thankyou2:

    My DH has been very supportive in the india trips coz he has seen my 'previous life'. Even in india trips, he always tried to make me comfortable as much as he could. I really looked up to him for doing that. But now i think he has been brainwashed completely. I dont see the point of reasoning or talking to him anything, which by the way in the last few weeks my hubby and i have done a lot with each other but other than arguments no good came out. At this point i feel he and i can never go back to the way we were before they came. They have been telling him that he has no control over me, and whatever he says i have to obey. They basically want me to be a obedient dog and not use my brains and not live life with my spouse as a life-partner. His behavior seems to be deeply influenced by them. For weeks if someone keeps telling you trashy stuff about someone, you are bound to start accepting some of it, especially if its your parents. It will take a lot of time for him to come out of that shell(provided they stop gossiping abt me to him).
    I dont think he will be same again.
    Is there anything that can be done to undo their effects on him?

    And regarding my first post, i did beg for forgiveness. :bowdownMy FIL continued looking at the muted tv, while my mil burst into tears with few emotional dialogues, while my hubby tried to console her. Hubby definitely melted by this magnamous act of his mom accepting her DIL back so loving, even though his wife was so notoriously bad. Does anyone feel there is any truth in her 'acceptance' of me again? It helped apologizing coz now from the "ignore each other" mode we all are now at "fake talking" mode.
    I am being a normal 'DIL' again and being nice to them, and she is trying to show the same. I havent been talking to DH since the last few days.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2009
  2. sonamkumar

    sonamkumar Senior IL'ite

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    Hi peace,

    I feel that you should not plead guilty to anyone if you really do not believe that it is justified. It is not doing any good to anyone and is only meant to boost their ego.

    If they have inferiority complex then any amount of apology is not going to take it away. The fact remains that you were more affluent than them.

    You can try and convince your hubby that you did not mean to disrespect them but had a good intention of suggesting a more comfortable option.

    They should also be more open to your point of view and should not consider any different view as disobedience. You are an individual with your own opinions which should also be respected.

    Again easy to say, as I know that dealing with in laws in like walking on fire and have to be extremely cautious on what we say.
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Peace

    I dont mean to sound all saintly....but after reading your post...what I want to say is

    --you wanted to make the situation better, so asked for forgiveness (whether it was or was not your fault)...very good thought...

    --you had asked for forgiveness

    -- now dont expect them to accept / reject its their choice now...lets not judge / dissect / monitor on their feelings or acceptance levels...this is for own peace of mind.

    all that matters is you wanted to do something, which makes you feel better , the whole situation better, you did it...so be Happy for it and keep your calm...dont loose your mind over whether it was a fake / real acceptance from their front..as this internal debate of fake / real will get over to your head and you wont have that peace which you had wanted by doing this action of seeking forgiveness.

    All is well that ends well..so be happy dear and leave the rest to god..very nice of you to do such an act. also dont keep getting this point of I did this for you kind infront of your husband....

    Good Luck and Be Happy
     
  4. Confused211

    Confused211 Gold IL'ite

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    I am playing the devil's advocate here -

    I am sorry, but class, did you say? You sound like you think you are of a higher class than them because your parents are rich. This, coupled with "crappy living situations" (by which I am assuming you had to sleep on the floor of the living room, which btw, happens very often in middle-level income families) makes it seem like you think that they and their house aren't good enough for you. Could this possibly be true? If it is, and if your displeasure became evident, do you wonder that they don't like you?

    You should ask your husband what he thinks is the trouble.

     
  5. Peace777

    Peace777 Senior IL'ite

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    Sleeping on the floor is not crappy living situation....there is much worse....mostly unhygienic conditions ....

    Simple example of class .... my MIL can wear a saree the entire day that has never being ironed, has food on it from the whole day of cooking, the blouse is torn due to years of use(and she is aware of it, but decides to continue wearing coz it still fits) or the pallu is torn, blouse doesnt match. After being in it the whole,she is ok with sleeping with it at night. She was in a similar state even when my sister and her husband came to visit me here in US. It was embarassing, coz its not like she doesnt has clean sarees. She has lots of them. I have tried ironing her sarees a couple of times but she doesnt like it. She doesnt like cleanliness overall and its evident in the way her own house and bathrooms are.

    Whenever i have visited them in their house, i have lived the way they wanted me to, and most of the time i was alone, so it wasnt like i could even complain to my DH. But now that they are in my house, I try to clean the mess that they make and dont tell them anything. I have never ever pointed out anything to them here. Its their son's house they are free to live however they want. I have tried to never make it evident to them, but they are aware of the financial difference and feel very insecure about it.

    And why is it wrong if i think that the place where they stay is not good enough for me? Even my husband thinks its not good enough.

    The first trip that i made alone with my husband to my in-laws place, my in-laws had a empty ac room where they could have put me. But my father-in-law insisted that i should sleep on the floor in a non ac room. I didnt say anything, but it clearly reflects their own attitude that they want to create trouble for me.
     
  6. Confused211

    Confused211 Gold IL'ite

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    We have different outlooks towards life, it seems. Best of luck at clearing up the differences with your in-laws and enjoying your life.

    Best,
    r2d2.
     

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