Plead guilty once again or not?

Peace777 · Aug 1, 2009

Hi ... I had a intercaste marriage with a lot of drama, but inlaws “showed” that they have now accepted us. :kissCame here to visit us in US. Caste and class difference seems to have really messed things up. I agree i was at fault at many places coz didnt know that as per them its “catastrophic” to do certain things. I should have known and I am definitely at fault at that. :bonkAll things were blown out of proportion. They didn’t ignore even the smallest things.

They stopped talking to me, and avoiding me in the same house. I tried to talk to them and apologized to them. They infact exploded and abused me abt me, my husband, my marriage, my parents and rest of my family. :rant:rantI remained calm. However little i tried to share my point of view, my words were picked up and butchered and thrown back at me, indicating how dare i tell my inlaws this. I still apologized multiple times, but even my apology became an item of taunt and they didnt accept it.
I tried to be normal with them inspite of this, and told my husband to not tell his parents anything. But they continued ignoring me in my own house. Finally hurt immensely, i stopped trying to still be the nice dil, and stopped trying to make conversation.

After a week they once again exploded, indicating i dont have even basic respect for them. :rant:rant:rant:rantAgreed i did that coz my brain was messed up with all previous drama and the hatred they have been showing towards me. I apologized once during the explosion, but it seems at the end of the discussion they were expecting me to fall to their feet and plead guilty, which i didnt coz i knew they would pick words from my apology too and heat up the discussion.

Now their ignoring me is getting worse. And i see her playing some small tricks around the house too. :boo:
My husband is getting crushed at both sides and doesnt know what to do.
They head back soon.

My question to this group is should i fall down to their feet when they are leaving and take up all the blame and rub my nose on their feet to fix things? :bowdown Knowing them, i know it wont help to a great extent, and they would insult me further, but atleast they will leave with the satisfaction that i apologized. Also, my husband will probably feel better if I do so.

mlk2009 · Aug 1, 2009

Hi
Really sorry for your plight dear.
I would suggest that if they really really expect u to fall in their feet and ur husband will be really really happy and u dont have a problem with it (I wouldnt do it if I were u, due to my stubborness) then touch their feet when they are leaving in the airport where no scenes can be made and utter "Sorry if I have done anything wrong" ( since u accept u did some mistakes too). And leave it at that, dont talk elaborately and give them ammunition to fire back.

But in future ask DH not to invite them for months to US, instead just a week trip when u guys are in India.

Send them off and have fun with DH, dont think about this too much. Sometimes when inlaws are too insecure seeing the couple happily married, this is the reaction they give to express their insecurity... Seeing that u guys had a love marriage, this insecurity is already programmed in them the moment they saw u.

good luck.

Drpreethis · Aug 1, 2009

If we are conviced that anything we do is going to start peace and IS going to make a very POSITIVE response, then maybe going an extra mile to make people around us happy or for that matter our spouse happy would be acceptable.. BUT, never do things FOR the sake of others much against your inner most mind !! By just doing something assuming they maybe happy or may make your hubby smile but feeling bitter within is defintly not going to help you in the long run..

Let us say, they simply dont react positivly ( which you feel they may ) to whatever white-flag treaty you do.. then what ? Again, you will just land up feeling bitter and carry that your inlaws have forever been heartless to you ! If you have the world's patience to digest even that, then maybe you could do what you really can ! Their bitterness will stay in your heart forever and you may start to feel like hating yourself for bending backwards so much.

Bottomline, you know yourself well.. If you are the kind of person who will be able to digest one more insult and wouldnt carry it forever in your heart or feel a little low about yourself in the future.. then you could go ahead with your deed. But, think hard before you do anything.. It may work or may not. If they want to hate you, they will no matter what.

Your hubby needs no extra assurance about you I suppose since you have been holding on your tongue since sometime and have been enormously apologetic too..

So, if you think JUST ONE MORE APOLOGY will do wonders, then go ahead.. else just say a good bye and take care !!

bhuvnidhi · Aug 1, 2009

If you think you are at fault , then apologise.OTW, I would say "NEVER EVER" do that.

Touching the feet is too much according to me.If somebody expects an apology by touching their feet , I really doubt if they are good.

Peace777 · Aug 2, 2009

Thanks for your thoughts and advise ... i just fail to understand how can parents show so much hatred against their son's marriage and wife in their first ever visit.... i will try showing them the white flag today and will let you know if they think its a red flag and charge at me ....DISHOOOOOM

arthidiva · Aug 3, 2009

Hey Peace, Can we know what 'mistakes' you did? Atleast one or two typical ones? If you are not comfortable sharing it here, np. Just ignore my post. Else it would help us understand your position better. I really want to know what you could have done that worse to plead guilty over and over again? I am sure they are not being reasonable to you.. but is there anything at all for you to feel guilty?? Whats your DH's stake at this? Does he think you are at fault and feels apologising to them is better?

Peace777 · Aug 3, 2009

Ok ... here's the filth.... you asked for it
As i mentioned its the class and caste difference ... Not bragging here but i come from a family atleast 100 times more affluential and broad minded than his, probably more.
Being in US and with all the legalities around an overloaded car, they wanted us to travel 4 people in the back seat in a half a day trip, coz they are used to it and prefer travelling together, rather than being safe, comfortable and legal. They refused to listen and were trying to force me to sit in the car. By the way, we did travel 4 people in back car seat for a couple of days coz it was for shorter durations. I had never travelled like this, but was ok in shorter distances coz didnt want to offend them. I refused for this long trip and took a second car, and had to drive it alone and folks stopped talking to me for weeks. I agree i refused to travel uncomfortably coz i didnt want to, but apart from that the main reason in my head was that i dont want them to travel like this. I knew all their life they have travelled this way, and i was stupid enough to think that as their children we should make sure that if we can we should have them travel with dignity and comfort. Initially my husband was supporting me, but half a day trip with them alone corrupted his mind and he blamed it all on me.
Bunch of such crappy issues where they insisted on creating uncomfortable situation for all of us without even asking our opinion whether we are ok with it. This was even if it didnt cost anything to anyone. They simply don’t listen to what their son says or decides either. Even if he was supporting me or doing the talking, they decided to simply ignore it.
What would you have done, if you were me in this situation? Taken a second car or dont?

Another reason, is that I am not yet fluent with their language. This is my mistake. My husband didn’t seem to take this seriously. But they did which I can understand, and I believe its my fault. There is a still a way to express your disappointment, and specially as elders you expect them to maintain their own dignity in doing so. As elders, least we expect of you is, please dont go in the gutter and throw dirt on others.

I have earnestly always thought of them in the good sense and respected and loved them as my own parents. Not once did i think ill of them or lose my love for them, even though we were put up in crappy living situations in our india trips and they werent very nice to me either. But they have clearly behaved as "in-laws". Its actually how they are, and i know they dont have cordial relations with most of the folks in their family too(they blame it all on our wedding!!!). I feel so lost, that people whom i gave so much love and i was so patient with them had so much dirt in them. I was really treating them as if they are my parents. I have never come across such people who have so much hatred in them.
I am so stressed, and havent been able to eat much in weeks... my mind is so messed up, i am not able to even think simple things straight. With all this daily drama in the house, i have simply lost any love/respect for even my DH. Is this how marriage is - just existing with each other and not being happy or in love with each other?

I really miss my mom!

sathyanjali · Aug 3, 2009

Peace,
You havent done anything wrong to fall on their feet. If you feel you wont feel like losing your self respect if you do so, then you can do it for hubby's sake.
But my personal opinion you havent done anything wrong. If I had been in your position, I would have fallen on their feet only if my DH had expected it. I am sure he wont allow me to do that for such silly things. If your hubby expects it nothing wrong in doing it. But be sure that it is first and last.

scorpiogal · Aug 3, 2009

Hi Peace

Looking at all your reasons I don't think you did anything wrong .I feel your INlaws have inferiority complex because yiur are from an afflunent family .You did the right thing by renting a second car .If just falling on their feet satisfies them go head ,But don't feel guilty and also not learning their language isnot ur fault .MY SIL is married to my Bro for 17 years and she cannot speak our language and that doesn't make her a bad or adamant person .

So please don't feel guilty and when they leave talk to DH calmly ( I hope u had love marriage and he loves you very much and understands ) .The first inlaws visits are always like a litmus test and needs a lot of patience so if they have unreasonable demands bear with some of them and don't follow somethings that are totally against your principals and be a silent spectator .People sometimes change with time and when they leave don't complain to your DH like they did about you and forget and forgive this one time and next time whether before you go or before they come here have a frank talk with him and I am sure he will understand you and when you don't make any complaints about them your DH he will definetly come to your rescue next time

asuitablegirl · Aug 3, 2009

Is this how marriage is - just existing with each other and not being happy or in love with each other?
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Sometimes it is. But, that's not how it's 'meant' to be. A married couple should have a close enough bond with each other so the love is not spoiled just by some stubborn inlaws not wanting to ride in seperate cars.

See, I don't think you can blame your dh. You have said yourself...

Even if he was supporting me or doing the talking, they decided to simply ignore it.
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They don't listen to him, so what more do you want him to do? My inlaws are the same way. No matter how much dh supports me, still they will keep on blabbering. I know it would be great to see our dh's take the step of whipping out the duct tape and forcibly sealing their mouths shut, but something tells me... it's not gonna happen! So, if you see your dh trying to support you but not making any progress, at least give him credit for trying.

You mentioned that learning their language has been a point of tension. But only for them! To your dh, it doesn't matter! So if it doesn't matter to you, and it doesn't matter to your dh... why do you care? I know there is always that internal desire for people to accept and like you, but when you've tried your best and it's still not happening... leave it!

You are stressed out because your inlaws are not living up to your expectations. You expected to love them and that they would love you back, or at least treat you nicely. And now that it hasn't happened, you are confused wondering where you went wrong, what more you could have done. You are also probably angry that you have ended up with such mean people as 'relatives' for the rest of your life. I know, because I went through these same feelings. I tried EVERYTHING to get them to like me, but it never happened. At first I felt sad, then I felt angry. And then I got stuck in that angry feeling for a long time. But eventually I realized, 'who cares if they like me or not?'. If they don't want to be a part of your life Peace, stop trying to include them. If ever they change their mind and make an attempt at a relationship, then go ahead and try again. But until then, forget about them and live your life happy with dh.

Now that they are gone, try to rebuild your relationship with dh. Focus on your relationship with him. Good luck!