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Planning for baby!! Tough decision to make!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nrp, Oct 27, 2015.

  1. nrp

    nrp New IL'ite

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    Hey Ladies,

    I am follower of indusladies, lot of things changed on me personally by following this group(ie: mental pressure management, time management on daily cores,relationship)
    Thanks to all ladies for sharing there experience!
    I really need opinion on this from you all!!
    Its been a year after my marriage, obviously its an arranged still i feel my relationship not strong enough, no planning , no future plans!! messuy still!!
    My DH isn't that responsible, he never plans anything just does whatever comes in his way...no preplanning for anything not even daily tasks, mothly tasks, year plans etc....
    After marriage everyone has plans to get settled !! have house, plan for baby,sexual realtionship,etc...I am trying to work on it on daily basis to improve it!
    My DH doesn't have plans for anything!! I always had dreams that relationship means sharing!!!in each and everything!!
    I am unlucky in that part, my husband doesn't help me any cores even though i am working wife, Now its been a year initially i used to crib, but now i am used to it as i have time management in perfect place which works for me.
    Even though my husband doesn't share anything with me not even in humor sense /not even in serious notation. Sometimes i feel I am I thinking so much!!!
    Sometimes i feel yes(My DH is not trustable at all, he has so many debts which i didnt know before, he hided me and finally told me after 8 months and when I ask him for what you had spend, he says its not necessary to explain you in what i have spend, home loan both in-laws and he hided)
    I dont know what he does with his salary, just pays rent and do spend sometimes in grocery if needed!! or otherwise i will tc of it too...
    I always have a feel that i wish i could have been single!! My life would have been mast!!!:)
    Anyways after a year analyzing him i understood that i should leave him on his way instead of quarrelling advising him randomly..anyways he is not gonna listen me!!!
    Doing the same from last 3 months!! It works a little, We both are totally different in every aspect!!
    Suggestion i need from you guys is i always have in my mind that, i should at least have some security if i have to plan for baby, like financially(house/expenses for a year to hospital/post delivery expenses) personally(good understanding between us, not much at least little, he should be responsible(because i believe in face that children will observe parents in daily basis on what we do and how we handle the daily stuffs and learn the same) enough to take care of me and my baby during pregnancy and post delivery)
    He is totally irresponsible like couple of bachelors..no savings in hand, spend lavishly dot think about future...
    everyone in my family says u are already 27 and i have thyroid(which i am taking medication) if delay more its not,, so plan early types..which i is not satisfied statement for me...
    I am thinking too much... I have plans to save money for during pregnancy/post delivery expense because I am 100% sure that my husband wont help me at that time, even if he helps he is gonna a scratch credit card which will again lead us to debt, and capital amount for buying, i am stubborn with my plans.
    Need suggestion on it, whatever i am thinking is it bad idea or good idea, is it not enough if we plan before my 30 year!
    Is there anything which i can do like fertility check or take precaution that my plan works!!! Please help me girls!!
     
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  2. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    OP, consult a gynaec ASAP and get a full checkup done..(blood tests, pelvic ultrasound etc).
    That would let you know if u have any issues that can delay conceiving..
    1 reputed doc whom I had consulted long ago has suggested "AMH test" for any lady who wished to delay starting family for long time..I do not know much about it but heard it can assess fertility.
    http://www.advancedfertility.com/amh-fertility-test.htm

    I suggest you google it for more info, and take it if required and follow up the results with a good gyaec who will advice you the pros and cons of delaying.
    Once you have the medical part done with, sort out your relationship issues..as some matters get worse with time. Some men change after having a baby, some don't.
     
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  3. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi nrp,

    Some men may change after having child. The child can change its father. It is a good decision to have a baby.

    What i would suggest, since you wanted a savings, let him scratch the credit card or take loan somewhere, let him spend for your delivery. you have your savings for your baby. This might be bit diplomatic. But if i am in your shoes , i would do it.. As a husband he has to spend for his baby..

    I was in a similar situation 2 yrs earlier. What i did was that i never spent my savings and made my husband to take care of house expenses. And after a baby he has changed a bit..
     
  4. khuriniji

    khuriniji Senior IL'ite

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    NRP,

    Some men are like that only.. (including my DH..) based on my experience.. women see the other guys from movies/colleagues .. and get inspired keep it as role model.. and dream DH also need to be like that.. but God thinks in other way...

    my friend told me once.. God plans in such a way that in a family.. either one person will be low on planning/finance matters/lavish.. other person will be perfect in planing/saving.. its soooooo true.. i have seen in many couples.... So in your case also god has planned like that..

    Regarding pregnancy.. i suggest forget about future planning/ finance all these things..(I think you are planning too much about after delivery..even i was like that earlier.. which delayed my pregnancy.. finally ended with fertility treatments..)..

    I made a strict rule.. that i should not use credit card..(cancelled all cards.. since i too had sessions with my DH like non payment of bills.. getting bank warning).. if money is there in debit card.. will use.. at no point of time will not take gold loan/ personal loan/credit cards..

    my advice to you is ... please come out of your imaginary world.. DH is not humurous/perfect.. accept the way he is.. and Please consult some good gyne..(take him also - its must).. you both need counselling...Plan for pregnancy soon..
     
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  5. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

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    @nrp,

    Most of the men are like your DH only. They are not responsible like ladies and they will be playful always... So dont worry about it...

    But you need to take care of few things.

    Your DH may not share everything to you, but you need to bring up the practice. You need to know what he is doing with his salary. Start planning monthly budjet and plans together, so that he will understand his part. Dont do anything on your own. Even if it involves your money, it should be a decision of both you.

    Next, your relationship with DH should be smooth. Dont try to change him as this phase, take it slowly. Dont advice him as men dont like this.

    Dont postpone baby. Baby brings lots of responsibility to father. He will understand the difficulties that a mother faces!!!..

    All the best!!!
     
  6. twinklingstar

    twinklingstar Gold IL'ite

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    i feel that boys in our culture are brought up in this way only (few exceptional are there too). they are taught to be free bird and hence all this mess is there.
    anyways if only irresponsible and not helping is ur problem i dont think that should be the only reason for not starting up a family. there are bright chances for you to deal with him tactfully. u r working and seems smart enough and u only have idea how to make things done from him. always work on solutions rather that seeing problems.
    still if u feel that he wont change and wont be a good father than also have plan B for it.
    but first work for plan A and lets c where it goes....
     
  7. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    How does your H feel about having a baby with you. Leave finances etc out.... is he excited ?

    From what I understand, you both need more time to connect with each other. Do not rush into having a baby. Both of you undergo medical checkups to rest your mind.

    Work on your relationship. People will ask...let them. Will these people come to help you when you are pregnant and vulnerable and craving your husband's love and attention.
     
  8. nrp

    nrp New IL'ite

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    Hi sanarthi, Thanks for your suggestion!! But its always like he asks money with me,says he would give next month and never gives back!! I agree with your way, as a husband he has to spend when all the life I am working for him inmaking breakfast, lunch, dinner without any arguments!!! But you know what the worst part is , he isnot even considered about it, few days back I had really bad backpain and when to hospital for check up and few other things...he didn't even care about it or neither bothered to ask what happened in the blood test, touch hood everything seems to be good, then I realized in case if something goes wrong, he will never bother. Credit card he hasn't cleared from a year which led to debt of lakhs...in this case how do you tell me to believe that he wil change after baby!! Again its difficult for me to handle everything and the pressure, work, household, hospitalization all together.. Money doesn't bother much to me, but debt is what matters!!! If the person is in thought that all the life he will get money from others and he will live in it!!! do you thing he is responsible!! So I have set up in my mind that I will give 1 more year to clear everything as we both are working on it now, which he really didn't want to a year back...
     
  9. nrp

    nrp New IL'ite

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    @twinklingstar,

    I have already worked on plan A which didn't work, so executing plan B now, for paying his debt from his hands I had to do so much of natak(God Know) somehow God has found someway and I was part of it, which is in execution now!!

    Guys are always irresponsible I know, few basic things should be known don't you think so!!!He is so lazy to even for his work, that what matters, usually I think ppl who are in marketing will be more organized than other industry, in my case its going otherway... So I have thought that at least let him be aware of basic needs and things for daily life rather than bachelor all the time, even I was spinster, I learned everything to deal with that doesn't mean that I am telling to be like me or expect to be like me!!! For everything he just gives reason I don't know to do, moment he says that I get so irritated, I will be like its not a rocket science you can learn it(eg : putting clothes in laundry) may be its very small thing, but persons attitude with dealing is what matters!!!

    Its been 1 year I have been working for solutions, in different ways with love, respect, anger, emotions etc....
     
  10. nrp

    nrp New IL'ite

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    @Brevity,

    He is not even telling his opinion on it, if you have read my post....fully, I have mentioned that he never shares what he wants or never tells.....for everything silent or anger is only reply!!!

    That's the reason I had my decision that first we should be good enough to understand each other!!From my side I have put 100% efforts from last 1 year on analyzing him knowing him... but you know what if I tell this everyone tell that I am expecting(my husband don't even know which color or food I like)...but sometimes I feel that Y I should expect in relationship, when he is expecting from me to be an ideal wife!! He has never tried to know me, analyze me, talk to me share to me enjoy with me ....except Harharone thing hope u understand!!! which I always be in thought what might be the reason!!!
     

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