Pillow Talk

PILLOW TALK
I boarded the flight from Bangalore to Mumbai and found my seat. I had sported the Vaishnavite straight red line on my forehead. I started this after a nonagenarian assured me that the red line would help me avoid the ICU in my final journey. When this gentleman tried to extend his advice to adorning two white lines that would make Garuda help me find my way to heaven, I stopped him, saying that as a marketing man, I had traveled quite a bit by myself and could find my way without help. Sorry for the digression.

Seated next to me was a dhoti-clad gentleman in his seventies, similarly sporting the red line on his forehead. It was chemistry at first sight.
"You are from...?" I asked. It was clear he was waiting for this question.
"I am from Bangalore, staying with my first son, and traveling to Mumbai to be with my second son for some time. I hate staying in Mumbai in summer but am helpless due to the machinations of my daughter-in-law. [Thalayanai Mandhiram Pottu Ennai Kilapivittuta]."
Having been away from Chennai for over three decades, I failed to catch the nuance of this double entendre. Seeing my puzzled expression, the gentleman became agitated and explained, "It’s called pillow talk, where a girl can easily influence the male species. This is the biggest weapon in a woman's arsenal. In fact, God has equipped women with this self-defense cum offense mechanism." I felt turbulence in the air, even though the flight had not yet taken off.

Ramanujam continued after the flight had taken off. "Four days back, that is, Sunday, my son, daughter-in-law, and grandson didn’t wake up until eleven in the morning. They had watched Mission Impossible the previous night. I went to the kitchen to make coffee. With great difficulty, I located a coffee filter with both chambers intact. I took a milk sachet and tried to cut it open, but something went wrong, and the entire milk spilled on the floor. Imagine me, over 70, mopping the floor on a Sunday morning while the entire family slept happily. I waited until my son left for the office on Monday and then gave vent to my ire. I pointed out that the fridge was stocked with half-eaten items, smelly pizza, two or three cups of cooked dal, and different chutneys that had outlived their utility, along with half-eaten fruits. I almost made a PowerPoint presentation on wastage. She didn’t reply, just gave me a scornful look, and slammed her room door. Too late, I remembered my brother’s advice to watch my words when Rahu and Ketu are in transit. Throughout the day, my conversation with my daughter-in-law was limited to sign language. On Tuesday morning, my second son called me from Mumbai, saying he needed my help and had emailed me an air ticket for Thursday. So here I am. His final remark was that both his sons were partners in conspiracy [kootu kalavanigal]."
We parted company in Mumbai with the usual pleasantries: "I enjoyed your company, and let’s keep in touch."

This rant reminded me of conversations I’ve had with seniors over the years. Some of their grievances I share with you now.

Mr. Sadagopan once said, "My daughter-in-law never tells me anything directly but conveys it through her husband. Why can’t she be open and discuss the problem with me?" My response was that perhaps he hadn’t made her feel comfortable enough to belong. Plus, there’s the age difference. Remove the perception of a barrier and make her feel like she’s as much an owner of the home as anyone else. Too often, senior friends give wrong advice to keep a distance to maintain control over the daughter-in-law.

Another gentleman complained that his daughter-in-law asked him to wash his coffee cup when the maid was absent. I told him that in a similar situation at my daughter’s house, I not only washed my cup but also other vessels to ease her burden. Why should this be different with a daughter-in-law? The man had no answer. To drive the point home, I mentioned that my daughter called me "mad" when I wanted to travel alone. Would he tolerate it if his daughter-in-law called him mad?

In one more interesting case, a young couple planned a holiday trip to Greece two days after the father-in-law left for his daughter’s house. What hurt the father-in-law was that all the discussions between the couple and their seven-year-old son were held in whispers, and the packing was done secretly. The lady next door, who knew more about others’ houses than her own, spilled the beans to him. Had he known earlier, he would have stopped it. "My son is already groaning under the weight of EMIs for a house, car, inverter, fridge, etc. If he wanted a change, he could have gone to our village and visited our family deity’s temple. And to top it off, their trip starts on Ashtami, which is inauspicious. I would have asked them to postpone it." I counselled him that these were probably the precise reasons for their "surgical strike" to Greece and that he should refrain from giving advice and just wish them a safe journey.

One more example: A daughter-in-law set the table and then disappeared, asking the elderly man to help himself. After he finished, she would come and eat. The gentleman’s grievance: was he untouchable? On complaining, his neighbour told him that his daughter-in-law couldn’t tolerate him spilling food all over his kurta and smearing the dining table. Furious, the gentleman retorted, "Did she know I washed her husband’s underwear until he was ten?" The problem could have been solved by getting a bib and helping the old man wear it while eating. The last straw was when he heard his daughter-in-law refer to him as "immovable property," which was why they couldn’t go on holidays.

Unsurprisingly, these are cases where the men had lost their wives and were staying with their children. This is significant, as one gentleman mentioned that if his wife had been alive, she would have ruled the roost.

MY TAKE
[I am imitating Rajdeep Sardesai]
When a girl leaves her comfort zone and enters a new environment, she comes with anxiety and apprehension. Seniors should extend the comfort zone of their home to her. They should not give her a detailed presentation of their son's likes and dislikes. At best, they can offer an executive summary or a foreword. Given women’s keen observation and intuition, they will quickly compile their own comprehensive understanding of their man.

Accept her as a daughter, and behold—half the problems are solved. The same applies to the girl, who should mentally accept the seniors as her own parents. Direct communication avoids distortion and misreporting. Girls should not be abrasive but assertive. They should also be sensitive to the fixed notions and idiosyncrasies of the elderly, who are, after all, keeping the seat warm for them.
Create a home environment that feels like a golf course—with friends, humor, music, and good food. If a girl makes up her mind, there are no boundaries for the golf course. As for seniors, remember:
"The tyrant known as man thought a woman’s place was around the frying pan. It was good enough for his wife, but it’s not good enough for me."
Never underestimate the power of touch, a kind word, or a listening ear. An honest compliment can easily turn a life around.

 

Thanks Thyagarajan for your comments.At considerable sacrifice and with understanding cooperation from Mithila I conducted the marriage of my five sisters,This was followed by the marriage of my daughters.As luck would have it I had to make arrangements for two of my brothers' daughters.I have enough first hand experience to write a novel on the subject. Things have changed.Today boys parents are OK as long they are economically independent and the presence of the lady makes hell of a lot of difference.