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Perhaps I was a British Officer who hurt Indians in my last life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ChennaiExpress, Aug 1, 2014.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Many of you know my story, otherwise you can see previous threads.

    Just when I was starting to trust and like Indian culture, and be open to the idea of marriage, everything fell apart. My husband was cruel and abusive.

    I tend to be absent minded just like Jessy in this serial,Jassi Jaissi Koi Nahin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. And just now my Father was saying, what will you do once I am gone, how will you survive. If your husband didn't have bad habits (going to prostitutes), and if you didn't have miscarriage, and if he wanted to stay and take care of your child, he would have made you clean his **** and kept you in a corner as a slave.

    So does Indian culture think a wife deserves to be brutalized because she is absent-minded?

    What does it take for a wife to get respect in Indian culture.

    When my relatives were searching for me, they got someone with less money, less education, but same community and were convinced he would care for me.

    I just want to know .... or maybe I did horrible things to Indians in my last life and that is why I am being punished now. I neither fit into US society, so I have some gravitation towards Indian culture, and Indian culture hates me.



    I mean, just tell me, if Indian culture doesn't like me, I won't ever bother again, I'll just mind my own business.



    And the dialogue my Father would use with me, i.e. I am trying to correct you, if you don't want me to tell you anything, I wont, is the same dialogue my husband used when he was emotionally abusing me.

    My husband would always find the tiniest faults with me and make my life miserable, but he was not perfect either. He had faults but I never criticised him.

    And now my father keeps getting upset that I am continually crying because he says I am damaging my health.

    I don't need to buy anyone's love or friendship, I would rather be alone and have the company of God than have false friends...
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2014
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  2. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    CE, I am sorry for the pain you are undergoing. From your posts it appears that the wounds of your failed marriage are still very fresh, and continue to hurt. You are working through the grieving process and naturally seek answers for what happened. All your posts are explorations of flaws, your own and of those around you, with which you hope to rationalize the unthinkable that has happened to you. It is natural.

    But I feel that going through this in isolation, and incessantly searching for an answer within yourself will drive you crazy. It will only worsen your fragile state of mind. I sincerely suggest you see a professional counselor. Someone who can dispassionately listen to your internal reflections, and objectively help you get past your grief. You need to do this for yourself, and for any future chance at happiness. You will have to lay this pain and anxiety to rest, before you can look ahead.

    Your father's words are cruel and hurtful. They don't reflect anything about you as a person, or India as a culture. If it is happiness in India that you seek, you will find it. There are millions of happy marriages in India, just as there are anywhere else in the world. Don't tie your future to a country or a culture. Open your mind and accept the possibilities whether you find them in the US or in India. Your happiness is in your hands, but you need to heal before you can exercise control over your life.
     
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  3. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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    CE forget the book you were reading and the worst chapters it contained and imagine they were Latin & Greek which you never understood. It's high time that you shred that book. Look for a new book of your liking and in the language that you will understand.

    Killing yourself for what had happened is truly just killing your own better future that is waiting to embrace you.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2014
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  4. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    yes this person abused for for several months and he left the premesis over a month ago

    these wounds are still paunful

    im highly educated and my family thought if they get someone who is highly educated, from good family, has money, and is handsome he will treat me like garbage

    instead they got me someone who did correspondence course, poor family, no money, but handsome and since day one his intent was on,y GC, and abuse ... he wanted to hide he is married to me so when he gets GC he can say he was never married and get a girl 20 years younger than him


    and he pressured me to get pregnant (to show immigration this is true marriage)



    when i told ob-gyn about the abuse the doctor was nice but the lady at the office didn't understand our culture and asked "how can you invite someone into your home?"

    im more ore comfortable talking here because counselors just follow a script and don't understand that people get married and then live with each other, have sex within marriage, and elders to to find best match to avoid all drama that US culture goes through

    but this is worst than any failed US marriage drama ... he never even took me for honeymoon and when I asked he would threaten physical violence ........


    and and when I had miscarriage only my Father gave me sympathy ....,,



    i think think I was punished even more because I am more educated than this person (he did equal to high school education in US, yet he showed he is hardworking and ambitious) and his ambition is to be truck driver and he was boasting to his friends in Indiawhen he got a drivers liecence

    so a girl can be educated, beautiful, have some money, and because she cannot do simple things illiterate people can do (I.e. print address on envelope instead of write with hand), does she deserve to be abused?


    next time I am getting married (I will get married and God is bringing us together through His Love) the person must have job, some money, decent education, be kind, caring, worship me (and of course I worship him too, it goes both ways) ....

    even if the person is nice but not educated I no longer trust someone who is uneducated ..... then they get jealous because he is male who he considers himself to be like god but a wife who is supposed to be a slave is educated and knows things he doesn't know


    while iwas married to this guy I was actually jealous of lady baristas at Starbucks and waitresses because he had more love and respect for these ladies who cannot get education, but who put on tight fitting clothes and lot of cosmetics



    i know my father wanted to correct my mistakes but he went below the belt by bringing up my abusive ex

    and when I was intimate with my ex, and in mist vulnerable state with no clothes on and my heatprt open he would mentally torture me .,, and if he wad doing sons thing to me that caused pain and discomfort he would get irritated and say no other girl cries and screams in pain like I do ... now I know he was comparing ne to prostitutes who do this as a profession, not out of love for a marriage ......


    i want to get married again, and I am starting to have normal sexual desires as I did before marriage (during marriage I was scared of sex, I did it to try to get along, it was worse than any household chore ... and least doing chores is clean, this was dirty)

    only God knows how I will trust someone and let him close to me ......
     
  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    you are right google glass .... I am working to to forget this horrible thing .... even while going through the legal proceedings I hope I see little of this minster as possible ....

    the devil is fighting me very hard because he knows God always wins .....
     
  6. Ninfa

    Ninfa Senior IL'ite

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    Dear CE,

    Take this time as a test , you cant fail as you have an ability to overcome all barriers, dont get disturbed , they were different people with different background and different belief system. Adjustments doesnt mean that we kill ourselves.Have faith in divine , this too shall pass soon.
    bless you with all happiness you deserve.
     
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  7. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    i think may be by looking at the positive side of things might help u...

    there r many people who go thru physical and mental abuse and never have the guts to come out of an abusive relation...

    u have taken the right step in getting out and now u seem to realize that u need to be with some one who is well educated and normal person...

    abuse is not just restricted to indians.. even there are cases in US among jews, english, black or others...

    try to forget the past as it will not bring any joy or happiness.. it just will trigger misery... and forget ur dad's words... some people from older generations they will never change and u shud not give so much importance for their words.. just ignore..

    realize that it is ur life that u r trying to correct, and no matter what others say u deserve to be happy and u shud look forward for a new life...

    and one more thing try marrying some one who is in US, not from some far other country who wants to be with u for GC or money or for status... try some one who is born and brought up in the same culture like u, who is well established... who doesnt have a reason to mess u up for GC or money...

    all the best..
     
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  8. FromMars

    FromMars Gold IL'ite

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    CE,
    For now, don't think about moving to india.

    Let this phase pass by. You have to feel blessed that you were in a situation where you could walk out of tyranny. There are lots who didn't have a choice.

    Also, just like its the darkest before sunrise, your most difficult time in life is this. The sunrise is just around the corner. You will be free to lead the life in your terms, to make a fresh start.

    The past will come and haunt you from time to time and during those times, you have to ask yourself, where am I going to go from here.

    You are young, educated, smart person. You can take care of yourself and others. Kiran Bedi says that if you have your 5 senses, that in itself puts you ahead of so many people who find life difficult.

    This too shall pass. You have no idea, that inspite of what you have been through, you are lucky to be here, the way you are. You can make a difference to lot of people in this world.


    ----
    The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. Mahatma Gandhi

    ----
     
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  9. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Awwwwww thank you all for your sweet and wonderful replies..........

    This haunting does come in waves so every time it peaks I have to train myself to ask, "where do I go from here" .....

    And I'm fortunate I was able to get out of this situation .... my heart breaks for all those women (whether in India, USA, regardless of race, color, religion) who are compelled to stay in hellish marriages ......


    And I do deserve to have a nice guy who has similar upbringing, who is educated, has financial security, is kind and loving ......
     

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