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Peculiar problem, need help.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by frndlysgp, Jun 13, 2015.

  1. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Am here to find some solution for my best friend's problem. I have a close friend who had a love marriage around 5 years back. Both husband (say X) and wife (say Y) love each other. They had some issues initially when they got married like every couple but now every thing seems to be fine.

    Coming to the issue now, as Y is in her early 30's there is a pressure for them to have a kid soon. But some how Y is not so keen in having kids. She is not sure if she is not ready yet or she don't want to have kids permanently. But X is very keen in having kids as soon as possible. She is not able to discuss this with X as he is keen to have kids. Today while talking to me she discussed this issue with me. Am not sure on how to respond to this. I don't want to judge her as well. Can any one here tell me if they had this feeling before their pregnancy? Is it natural or should she consult a counselor to discuss further. IL is such a lovely website giving suggestions to multiple issues. I hope you all can give some ideas on how to over come this. Ladies please help. I will wait for your replies. Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance.
     
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  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Talking to a counsellor would be a good start. She needs to understand the implications of her current stance. It is unfair on her and the child to have a child if she were not happy to become a mum. It is unfair on the husband if he wants kids while his wife strongly is against it. It is the couple who can make this decision. A counsellor will help her get some clarity; understand whether she is merely reluctant to have a child at the present time or feels strongly enough about it to not regret the decision 10 years down the line.

    When I got married I wasn't ready to have a child; many many years after I got married I still wasn't ready; I had my great life and career and travel and social circle and everything else going for me that i didn't really want to be tied down. The craving for a child came suddenly; I have no idea how, but it turned my life upside down... I am glad the craving came close to my mid 30s and no later; God willingly things went right. If I'd had a flash forward of my life today 10 years ago, I would have recoiled in horror; yet today I wonder how that person I was 10 years ago even considered myself sane...

    And there is a couple i know who chose not to have children and are spending their time and energies on following their passions of a fine life and travel. They are extremely happy together

    Your friend needs to talk to a counsellor, figure out what she wants and then involve her husband so that they can together come to a conclusion...
     
  3. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks @guesshoo for your quick response. I suggested her the same. She is quite hesitant to open up in front of any one knowing the response she would get from her family/friends. Right now she just wants to live her life travelling and following her passion. But the pressure from her parents, inlaws and husband is confusing her.
     
  4. LotusAura

    LotusAura Gold IL'ite

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    It is equally important for your friend to consult a gynec to determine her physical & reproductive health and to get professional advice on the various aspects and conditions that come with late motherhood, should your friend ever change her mind later in life.
    It is always better to get a health lowdown (especially reproductive, which is mostly a time-bound aspect for women) to be better prepared for future eventualities.
     
  5. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Expectation from inlaws, parents and H is a normal expectation they have in an arranged or love marriage after 5 years of marriage!!! The girl should have expressed her desire to not have kids (or to try at later age with associated risks),UPFRONT to the potential H - BEFORE the marriage decision was made. Its kinda silly to put herself to this discussion after the marriage, since naturally in indian setting there is gonna be TREMENDOUS pressure on her, and an upset H and upset inlaws/parents etc.

    She didnt think marriage is a serious life decision? Just some jolly thing called love marriage? This should be thought before marriage as people should enter marriage with understanding of certain default (and usually considered reasonable) expectations from spouse and close family that may be there, and should have those discussions ahead of time, if they want some thing outside of those default/common.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Having or desiring children after marriage along the line is an expected behavior.
    Not having or desiring is unexpected behavior.
    Any deviation from normal expectations should be discussed before marriage .
     
  7. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op since this was a love marriage they had lots of time to discuss about these things before and having understood that Y is very matured to think so much she should have brought this topic before the marriage . So if she has not done that before now she should give equal respect to X's point of view in this matter. I feel family is a collective decision no matter what.
     
  8. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all thanks a lot for your feed back. Right now she is not saying she don't want kids.She is not sure whether she want to wait for some more time or why is she not having the urge to have kids. She is confused by her self. She is matured enough to understand that it is a major decision and am very sure she will not go against her husband's wishes. Anyways I have asked her to contact a counsellor

    @Ragini25 she never thought marriage is a jolly thing and she has sacrificed a lot (before marriage and after marriage) on getting married to her DH. She is in a state of confusion and may need help at this point of time.
     

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