Patience is getting on my nerves

lovethesky2013 · Apr 11, 2013

Please find the original post below.

lovethesky2013 · Apr 11, 2013

Patience or Decision? OR both

Hi All,

i always read the IL forums to be aware of the kinds of problems a married women can face. I know every one has a different equation that makes it uncomparable with others. Here again I am back with my unusual problem- If you do not want to give a positive response or want to help please don't reply.

I came to US with my husband six months (7 years now)after marriage and since then I have been reminding my dh to have child and to get my masters once we become financially independent. I wanted to assure that he do not take me for granted.

As he is ending this long project in some time I yesterday, reminded what I desire in the next phase of our life-dh became angry and had a different stand. He told me either we can have a child or your education first but not both things simultaneously. I have to do bith things simultanously as my FIL has given a sermon that we should return back to India once our kids are 4 year old to avoid them from being spoiled from the western culture.
Dh do not want to send our children to daycare. He was very very rude to me when I talked about our future children to send to daycare. This had broken my heart. I do not want to live this life as i think it is getting useless.
I have mentioned my situation in my previous threads. For some of you it might not feel like a serious thing. But trust me i am getting really depressed and
Since past so many years he has been making false promises. His parents have used me to get support from me in this tough phase by getting him married to me.
My mother has told me "that every thing will be resolved with the time and I have to wait patiently"

ILS please suggest-

Should I go ahead and plan child and once I have a child then start talking about my education and dont care about fil's sermon. What do you think? Or
Do you think there is something wrong with my husband? Please help me to handle this issue?
Do you think my husband will care for me and our relationship more when we have a child?
Please tell me how much patience should i have............???????????? I am getting out of my mind

Swasha · Apr 11, 2013

Re: Patience or Decision? OR both

Dear OP,

I feel, it is better to plan a child. Pregnancy is the time where you should be tension free. Planning Studies along with pregnancy is not a good option in my opinion as you have to study late nights and give exams. These type of pressures effect the pregnancy. So, I suggest you to plan for a child first then after delivery plan for your studies. Dont bother about going back until ur child reaches 4 yrs. By that time, things may change depending upon the comforts of your kid.

lovethesky2013 · Apr 11, 2013

Thank you Swastha for your reply. My husband is really freked out at the idea of having kids so it os going to ne a full time job to convince him.for kids till i conceive. He is not willing to let me send our future kids to daycare.so that i could take classes at that time.

Swasha · Apr 11, 2013

If your husband is not willing to send to daycare, then you can ask your parents or In-Laws help to take care of your kids. But who knows, your mind also may change once you have kids and you might want to take care of your kids.

Cuteprincess · Apr 11, 2013

It depends on your age andd health. If you are in your early twenties then go for higher education and then for a kid. Or else go for the kid first. And take your parents help as swasha said. And some ppl dont prefer sending kids to daycare. I am one of them. Nothing wrong in it.

RamyaSridhar1978 · Apr 11, 2013

I think set your priorities straight ... May be your husband tod that you cant do both because it's really not easy ..
A baby really changes your life , sleepless nights, tantrums, feeding etc .. Plus since you are placed abroad you may not have ny help for the household work too . Till the kid is relatively big enough say 4 yrs it's really difficult to manage studies with kid .
I see nothing wrong in what your hubby says ... Finish of your studies first in my opinion ... If you are in your twenties . If you are in your late twenties/ 30 .. Think of a kid .

imeandmyself · Apr 11, 2013

Even i felt it right yaar...its better to opt for one thing at a time, becoz just imagine,
- If you join for masters, in the morning itself you need to do all household chores at home and had to go to classes then come home and again had to cook and then you should read and had to spend some time for you nd ur hubby ? on top of it pregnancy ? hufff ? why this all physical , mental , emotional stress ? just finish one by one

dont get depressed just becoz nothing is happening according to your wish, just think once and respond according to it ....gud luck

lovethesky2013 · Apr 12, 2013

Thank you for the relies.I am going to be 31 next month(

soulful · Apr 12, 2013

Honestly, it depends on the person. I know people who got pregnant and delivered their baby and yet completed their rducation - All while working full time. it is tough, no doubt...but not impossible. you can take fewer courses so your load will not be heavy. hence I say, it depends on you. Are you willing to do it?

can you ask your parents/inlaws come over and take care?

another thing you must keep in mind is that once you start your degree, you will have 5 years to finish.. which means you can take a break after delivery, for a semester or two. That is true for my univ, check out the rules of univs that you intend to apply.

if you can't take the stress, I would suggest you go for a baby since you are turning 31 soon. you can study at any time in your life, but have a limitation on the other front.

what you can do now, is give your GRE, GMAT an start the admission process. At the same time plan your baby. Whichever happens first, give your attention there.

Forget about your FIL and his sermons. We'll cross the bridge when we come to that. 4 years is very far.