passive aggressive husband

My husband is very passive aggressive. I come from a fairly conservative family and I don’t drink or smoke. My husband does drinks often (but always moderately) and smokes may be a handful of times throughout the year.
Well, few months ago my younger brother was visiting me for a day, and my husband asked him whether he wanted to try smoking (fully knowing that I would not want my brother to smoke). My brother said ‘no’ but my husband kept repeatedly asking him that may be can smoke in front of me as he probably already smokes with his friends in college. I said ‘no smoking in front of me.’ And left the conversation at that”

Then this weekend, my brother was visiting me again, and my husband asked me in front of him if they could go out and have a smoke. Since my brother has found a job in my city, he will be visiting quite often. I did not want to make it a habit for him to smoke in front of me nor do I want to send the message to him that I am okay with him smoking. So I said, no to my husband.

Then my husband asked him two other times in front of me if he wanted to smoke. And He said no.

I went to another room for an errand and when I came back I overhead my husband telling my brother to go out and have a quick cigarette and he can keep me distracted. When I walked in, my husband changed the topic and started praising my cooking. He has repeated this same pattern with my two other cousins primarily because he knows it would bother me if my younger brother or cousins smoked. ( I did not know before my engagement that my husband smoked. After engagement, I was told he does but very rarely and never at home.)

Throughout the weekend, my husband put me down a number of times. Like when I suggested cooking xyz for dinner, my husband said oh don’t worry about that or why would make that… I will just make ABC instead. So I asked my brother do you feel like eating xyz or abc...he said anything is fine. I said okay I will go and cook xzy and as I was walking out of room I overheard my husband telling my brother hey why dont you just tell her you want to eat abc...that way I (my husband) can cook it and you will be saved from eating xyz that she cooks.

My brother is looking for a rental home near his job. So I suggested him a few good locations, and my husband said oh forget that…don’t even look into all that. Look into xyz areas instead.


In addition, he is always doing the following:
1. Correcting how I pronounce something or my grammar.. (I speak English fluently and work in marketing/communications).
2. Constantly trying to teach me how I should communicate, in facts if I need to talk to his family…he tells me exactly how I should say it…he will formulate the sentence that I need to use
3. Will lie willingly. I caught him red handed telling my brother to go ahead and smoke while he keeps me distracted…but he now denies it and is saying that no actually I was telling him that he should not smoke. And he will swear on God/Mom/Dad anyone and stick to the lie based on my experience with him.

4. He loves correcting all the other work that I do as well. If I wipe a kitchen counter, he will find something small that I may have missed and without saying anything he will vigorously start wiping the counter again indirectly sending the message that I didn’t do a good job.

5. Even if I say that Dr. told me to do xyz for my aches or for my ailment, he will say right away “oh I had told you same thing and you didn’t listen.” Even though he didn’t tell me same thing….he loves to show that he knows everything.

6. He will make weird demands from me…of how I will be nicer to his mom etc (despite his mom being verbally abusive to me)…and I will say okay lets see improvements need to happen from both side. Next day he will say something like “oh you promised me yesterday that you will be nice to my mom.” And I will “when did I promise…” and he will stick to words that “ you promised…” “you promised…” to the point that now I have started writing down conversations that I have with him immediately just to make sure that I am not insane.


Worst of all, I have begun to fear confronting him...and many times just accept ill treatment instead of confronting him. if I disagree with anything he says, or if he has put me down and I bring it up, he will start arguing loudly right away and not even let me finish my sentence. Then anything I try to talk he will say “blah blah blah” over it, so that I cant be heard. Ultimately, as he is not going to let me talk or finish my sentence, I give up and stop talking. After that, he will go in silent mode and not talk to me for weeks till I apologize and agree to his terms which are usually the following:

1. Its my mistake…that I doubted him/didn’t trust me/accused him
2. I will never do it again
This is followed by nice behavior by him…extra caring for few days…till the pattern repeats again.

One another observation about him, he will be extra extra nice if any of my friends or family are visiting. I will be asked over and over “do you want to eat” , he will open doors, pull up the chair, offer to do errands, will wash dishes etc. At the same time he will subtly put me down like dismiss my suggestions, taste my cooking make a quick face and add something to it like salt or lime, etc. Behind their backs I am treated nicely only if I constantly agree and massage his ego….and no would imagine that this same person doesn’t even talk to me for weeks.
Any insight/input will be appreciated.