Partial and selfish PILs - Looking for ideas

sruthiroopini · Jan 30, 2015

Hi ILs - I have a problem and wish to get suggestions on how to deal with the stress that I am facing.
My FIL is retired and MIL is working. FILs mother stays with them. She can get by with minimal care. They all live in their hometown. They have two sons - my husband and his younger brother who is unmarried. We have a 2.4 year old son.
These are the occasions my PILs did not care to attend.
1. When I went to the US - not even a single call
2. My son's Annaprasanam
3. My son's Aksharabhyasam - This day both of them went to my MILs sister's daughter's baby shower function.
4. My brother's thread ceremony.
We called and begged them to come for 2,3,4. They told they need to take care of the aged woman or that my MIL did not have leave or no tickets. For 1, I think they have some obligation to come but that did not happen.
I am deeply hurt by their attitude but me and my husband are terrified of them. If we ask, they might get angry and stop talking to us altogether.
Now, my BIL is going to the UK. My MIL took 4 days leave and she is here in my house. She even brought a full bag of home made stuff for him. She did not bring ANYTHING for my 2.4 year old son. Now, my FIL is leaving his mother also to a neighbour's care and getting ready to come here without any worry about ticket/mother's care.
I feel this is gross injustice. I feel they are utterly shameless to show their faces here when they did not attend for anything else. It is burning up my heart that me/my husband cant ask them what is going on.
All I need to do is let them know what we think.
My husband is a coward who cant talk to his parents looking into their eyes. Instead he is telling me to adjust and compromise.
What shall I do?

nb25 · Jan 30, 2015

OP,

Your husband is right. Please don't react to these things. They are not worth fighting over. Just give a formal invitation next time. Don't beg them to come. They will come if they want to. You can not force them to come against their wish, as bad as it may feel. They are your PILs, not parents, OP. Keep your expectations minimum, and maintain formal relationship with them.

yellowmango · Jan 30, 2015

Let it go.
Firstly ,give them the benefit of the doubt. Having an old mother at home is not easy ...specially when mil is working.

Their choosing to attend sil's dd's Birthday could be because of their role as girl
s parents.

Their not getting anything for you or your little son is ...very silly.Maybe they think your child has a very capable mother who takes good care of his needs....while their little baby is going away from his mother.

Let it be OP. Think of the dils...who have to bear with irritating Ils on special occasions.You don't have to bear with that.

Why don't you call your parents over for special occasion ? It will be more enjoyable without the tensions of having both sets together.

Joyoflife · Jan 30, 2015

OP I wouldn't be too bothered. Infact I find it quite relaxing when mil does not show up on my family functions. She did not come for my only brothers wedding, I was very relaxed coz I did not have to run around her to make her feel special. Now nobody even bothers her to invite at my family functions. My mil is partial towards her sons as well. She treats her nieces better than her own sons. Never leaves any occasion to extract money from her hard working sons to support her sister and nieces. Feel lucky that you do not have to support them, but at the same time be bold. You do not have to be scared but do not be bothered. Your sons primary need is to have caring and loving parents. He can do much better without toxic grand parents.

Rihana · Jan 30, 2015

sruthiroopini said: ↑

These are the occasions my PILs did not care to attend.
1. When I went to the US - not even a single call
Click to expand...

There are women here who'd go down on their knees and pray for the above to happen to them.

soulful · Jan 30, 2015

Let it go OP. Count your blessings. They are here for a few days. Like someone said, next time just invite for the sake of formality. If they come fine. If they don't you enjoy.

Their not bringing anything for your child THEIR grandchild, is kind of a mix cheap+silly+narrow-mindedness (sorry I can't think of a word to describe that attitude)

Try to remember this for everyone, not just PILS

How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer

pear · Jan 30, 2015

Love and affection should not be demanded. Dont pin for the people who dont care even to make a call.Learn to accept them as they come and move on.Keep them at a distance they wanted to be.If you wanted to, you could show the photos for (1234) those occasions to them without commenting about thier absence .You didnt call them for blessings when you started off abroad?

You could ask your son to help dadima and forge friendship with her.In our houses little kids are advised to invite guests home and when they leave kids are again supposed to ask them when they would visit again.Most elders find it difficult to say no to kids love.

MalStrom · Jan 30, 2015

OP,
You cannot control how others behave towards you, but you are in charge of how you react to them.
Many women posting here would be delighted if their in-laws left them alone. For whatever reason, your in-laws prefer a different sibling or have their own reasons for their behavior. If they don't interact with their grandson it's their loss.
Don't expect anything from them, and do not talk to your husband endlessly about this.
Be polite and formal, and focus on your own immediate family.

sheztheone · Jan 30, 2015

Why don't you also place them lower in your list of priorities? Believe me, you will be very stress-free and relieved then.

You will also be better prepared for DIL and grandchild favoritism after your BIL gets married.

sruthiroopini · Jan 31, 2015

Hi ladies - After reading your replies, I understood that I am over reacting and nagging my husband. I am just ignoring their over love towards my BIL.
Thank you all very much.
My FIL offhandedly commented today that my husband is under my control and scared of me. I replied that it is for good and if he would have taken care of my husband properly, I need not have to step in everytime. I also asked him to be prepared for the same situation from my BILs wife.