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Parents interfering in family life!!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ais_1982, Apr 23, 2010.

  1. ais_1982

    ais_1982 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am the only daughter and married since 2 years. My husband is very supportive and understanding...And my in laws are good too.. Though there have been some petty issues, apart frm that they have been good...They never interfere in our life(They stay in another city). Even if they have any suggestions, they just give it and stop there.

    On the other hand, my parents plan everything for me and keep instructing do this do that and force...That was fine before marriage...These 2 yrs my husband just kept quiet and now he has started to get angry on this issue...For example...i and my hubby were planning abt attending a function, my dad cald and makes out all plans as to how i shud attend(My hubby had offc so he cudnt cm) so my dad was forcing me to go along with a relative, who had their own plans...my hubby comfortably put a driver and sent me alone...He got angy, saying "Were u not alone when u were working in another city? Y cant we make our plans even for small things lik this? Nothing is going to happen if u attend alone".

    In all matters they r giving their opinion and just not stopping there, but keeping on pestering whether we did that or not...

    I dont knw why, my mom doesnt like my husband or my in laws...He is a very nice guy and i love him and he loves me a lot...(Ours was arranged Marriage). I understand its their possessiveness for me...But i am worried it will take a toll on my family life going forward...

    I have tried to make my mom understand that she is wrong...my hubby is gr8..But she's lik, u have changed after marriage. u wil leave us in streets for ur husband...u r not at all respecting wat i and ur dad tell u etc etc...If any time u hav any small problm also u come home dont stay with him and ll"...i just dont know how to handle all this...Both my parents r working.. My hubby respects the ma lot...He has understud my mom's indifferent attitude towards him but never once he questioned her bad behaviour towards him....Kindly give ur suggestins...
     
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  2. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear ais_1982,

    you are now married and have your own life, talk to your parents tell them that now you are married woman and you need to lead your life your way, yes you shall always go to them advice as they are elders, but they cannot rule your day to day life and you on the other hand stop discussing with them.
    Your mother told you that you have changed so tell her that after marriage things change and obivously your priorities have changed but your love for them will always be there. If they call you and advice you listen to them but its upto you to follow or not.
    If they keep on calling you draw a line somewhere and sometimes we need to put our foot down i know you love your parents but your husband is your 1st priority in your life and sometimes parents do mess up married lives for their daughters. I had a friend who was the only daughter and her parents were interfering in her life and it broke her marriage.
    so its up to you.
    i am sorry for being harsh.
    love
    alpa:cheers
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Isolate them from details of your daily life.
    Tell them they're important to you & you'll be there for them..

    When you tell a lot of details to parents, the over caring ones see issue in everything and they feel its their parental responsibility to pull you out from a future problem that has not yet happened :thumbsup...........

    Very few are easy ones who let you swim peacefully.
    Quite a few keep monitoring, throwing life boats & pulling you out even when you know you're safe swimmer.
     
  4. ais_1982

    ais_1982 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Yes i also understand and have tried to tell them...For some time things will be fine...Again back to same point...I once lost patience and shouted at my dad too and told him not to interfere in each and every small thing and he stopped calling me from next day....

    We stay in different cities and every day we share our day to day activities with in laws as well as parents...If i dont call one day, my mom gets angry ... she talks very rudely to me... when i cal and talk and argue, immediately she asks is ur husband near yyou, u dont hav respect for us etc etc...i had 2 missed abortions aft marriage..she thinks all bad things r happening to me aft marriage and is due to my husband :bonk...I do love them and just dont knw how to manage this emotional struggle...
     
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Ais,
    Please calm down. There are many in your situation in one way or other.Look at this thread started by another ILite.

    www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-parents-and-siblings/85829-please-advise-relaionship-over-possessive/


    I know it hurts when its from your own parents. Please be aware that they can destroy your marriage so you need to chant this mantra in your mind " I love my married life" always so no one can create any rifts for you.

    They love you and their lives have revolved around you so they cannot think that they are doing anything wrong.

    My suggestion write them a letter so you don't get emotional and bungle up the content.Put it in a touchy Hallmark card and send it to them.Please refrain from yelling at them.Talk like you would with your boss ,without emotions and fighting ,if you need to convey something.

    The content of the letter should be how much you love them and appreciate all they did for you.Also let them know that you will always be there for them and take care of them.However tell them that you need to make your own decisions and live your life according to your choices.
    Also let them know that you respect their opinions and consider them always but the decision will be always yours and your DH's.

    Hope this helps.

    FL.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
  6. ais_1982

    ais_1982 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,


    Again i had another argument tod....we were told to do some puja and yanthram for which we have to spend abt 10k..my hubby just joined another job and 2 mnths we had to manage with my sal...i quit wrking earlier...i had to pay my notice period amt...so we decided we wil pay that off first..then aft sal cms, we wil go to astrologer....

    My mom told i am not taking money frm them...i said we will manage ma...u keep that money i will get it when we are in dire need of it...she started shouting u dont respect us...some stupid astrologet told i will leave them to beg in streets thats wat i am dng etc etc...i dont listen to her...all that

    Tell me ppl, aft married for 2 yrs, dont we(i and my hubby have the right to plan our finances , plan when we can do what thing)...she told me to take money , i said we can manage its just a matter of 4 days....i just dont know wat to do....
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    In the first place why do you have to tell all these details to your mother :idontgetit: She wouldn't know if you don't pass the details right.
     
  8. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Ais_1982

    Priya16 has raised an excellent point. In this "battle" for control with your parents, consider information as a type of ammunition. The more ammunition you supply them with, the better they will be able to control you. From what you say, your mother is emotionally blackmailing you, and using guilt and histrionics (overly dramatic, highly theatrical speeches and displays of emotion) to get you to do what they want.

    If you keep indulging her, she'll keep up the bombardment. A married couple has every right to keep their private lives private - this includes anything THEY decide they just want to keep to themselves; finances, baby-making schedules and practices, even simple things like what you eat for dinner - whatever it is.

    This does not mean that you do not love your parents, or that you are not grateful for what they have done for you. It simply means that you are a grown up, who has thrown in your lot with another grown-up (your husband), and that you've decided together that you're going to have a life and a family. Excluding your parents from certain aspects of your married life is not only acceptable, but it is desirable in so far as living independently and assertively goes.

    What an astrologer has told your parents, the tantrums your mother throws, the accusations she makes, and all the rest of the drama is inconsequential. What you really DO matters the most - so, if you can treat your parents with love, respect, and consideration WITHOUT compromising your and your husband's privacy and the sanctity of your marriage, then you are doing a good enough job.

    The problem with demanding people like your mother is they are very rarely satisfied. Her list of hoops you have to jump through to please her will only grow, not get shorter, no matter what you do. Reassure her, if you must, that you will be there for them in their old age, support them financially, etc. These are just examples - only tell her the truth about what it is you are prepared to do for them in your specific situation. Beyond that, her out-of-control emotions and insecurities are her problem, not yours.

    If you have been and continue to be a good daughter, and it sounds like you are, then you have nothing to lose sleep over. You are lucky to have a good husband and understanding, non-intrusive in-laws. Don't let your dysfunctional parents ruin your new marriage. Now is the time to invest emotional energy in your husband, and work on your relationship with him. Your purpose on this earth is not to rescue your parents or act as their emotional crutch or punching bag. Your primary purpose is to live the fullest life you can with your partner for life, your husband.

    Please draw some respectful boundaries between you and your parents, and observe those boundaries even if they won't. Read all the stories here on IL about husbands/in-laws who ruin their wives' lives, and count yourself lucky you are not among them. But don't give your own parents a chance to cause that same kind of damage.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  9. ais_1982

    ais_1982 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,


    i never told anything abt salary matters...i just told we wi do the things one after another...For that itself she got angry....Yest again my dad spoke to some other astrologer regarding when we will get a baby and some other pariaharam and puja was suggested...Yest i clearly told my dad its up to me and my hubby to decide this and we dont want any more stuff like this.,...

    I have PCO and alrdy 2 abortions...my hubby is so supportive in the treatment so far....yest when i told him abt wat dad told, he got very angry and told enugh of astrology and if any more stuff like this comes i wont tolerate....

    Anyways i clearly told my dad to stop pestering us and put a full stop there....
     
  10. ais_1982

    ais_1982 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    How is it possible for u to stop providing information abt day to day activities? I dont provide them all info if i need to refuse i just tel we will c what can be done i will discuss with him and let u know../..That offends her...and starts arguing...nd nowadays i dont bother much i just cut the call...,

    Problem is that my mom takes my elder cousin sisters as examples...they r all married since 15 yrs and have children ... she says see they r staying with their parents...their husbands listen to them....u dont knw how to do that...


    I told her...ok i wil do like that....In turn u shud let my husband to start drinking and start beating me like their husbands do....these days i hav started to talk back a lot due to irritation frm being bombarded with so many questions....
     

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