Parent's house or in-laws house

Hello Kalai,

I'm married for 8 years and same situation as yours... meaning my in-laws and parents home just 3 kms apart. My first trip to India after wedding (1 yr after) was the most terrible. I ofcourse landed at my in-laws' home and everytime we went out had to pass through my parents' home (on the way). I longed to stop by for a coffee. Ofcourse my husband conceded and we did that. He'll leave me and finish errands come back and pick me up on the way. So I ended up spending like couple of hours everyday with my parents. And when the time came for me to spend a week with them my inlaws created such a big scene. I was really hurt.

Then for couple of years my parents moved to Bangalore and if I travelled alone i landed directly there. But even now if we travel together i land at my in-laws home then go to my parents place. This is to avoid unnecessary confrontation and spend peaceful time later with my parents. But these days I decide how many days I spend at each place. And my husband understands that perfectly.

Each individual is different. Even though the situation and circumstances might look similar you have to make your own decisions and then remember to stick to it.

All the best!
Latha

 

Hi kalai,

This is an old thread but Traveller's post made me read it again...Computer Typing

All I can say is that one should do what she is comfortable with. Traditions are created by humans FOR humans. Not the other way round.

Just as my husband wants to spend time with his parents after not having seen them for 2-3 years, same is the case with me. However, the instant I mention that I would be leaving for my parents place, my MIL would start creating a scene, dropping caustic and sarcastic remarks like "this girl is so eager to go to her parents place..as if we mean nothing for her". Or "THIS is your house, or have you forgotten?" etc etc...

Now recently with a baby in tow, I decided that enough is enough. After a long US-Delhi flight followed by a long train journey, I saw that MIL couldn't care less about my jet lag or the baby's jet lag...our kiddo suffered badly from jet lag and was staying awake half the night...leaving me to catch up on my sleep in the afternoon...but was this understood? No way! The moment I stepped into my MIL's house, I was supposed to take over the kitchen reins and give her some rest...make breakfast, lunch, dinner etc...and take care of the baby also btw...and not sleep during the afternoon...(once I slept for 2 hours and woke up to baleful stares and long faces from in-laws).

If during my vacation also, I don't get any rest, then what is the point? And nopes, I cannot think of my in-laws as my parents because simply put, they definitely do NOT treat me like a daughter..rather like a proverbial step daughter.

So what I did was I went to my parents home and visited in-laws for a few days...my hubby supported me thankfully and told his parents quite clearly that with a kid, she needs help and rest and she will only get that in her parents house because obviously she is not getting it here.

My MIL bad mouthed me to her entire clan...but I did not budge. I would go there to visit, but I spent most of my vacation at my parents place.

And as far as my SIL is concerned (my brother's wife), she goes to her parents place first...and then comes for a couple of days to spend time with my parents...and they do not mind...my mom says that it is perfectly understandable that if someone is coming home after 2-3 years, they would want to spend time with their own parents.

My 2 cents.

love,
Aarushi

 

With all due respect to the senior ILits here, it have a serious problem with your comments especially when you say " go to ur inlws place bcz after marriage ur place rightfully belongs where ur husband is orlse u cud have stayed wht ur parents life long isnt it. whn they have give u in marriage means they want u to setup ur own family"
are you serious? is this how you really feel that our parents have 'given us away' in marriage? what century is this and are daughters a commodity to be given away?

I am all in support for showing utmost respect to in-laws and treating them the way we treat our own parents, but when it becomes an expectation that DILs will have no life of their own and that once they get married they pretty much have to do what the husbands family wants is just ridiculous. women should be advocating euality, not submissiveness. this is not what indian marriages should continue to be. I agree entirely with Mrudula, Lavanya, and others. i hope that when the younger generation of women (myself included) become MILs, we provide our daughters in law with a relationship of equality and mutual respect.

 

I agree completely with you, Aarushi. One must do what he/she is comfortable with. If the husband is not understanding the situation then it's better to put down your foot from the start.

Latha

 

Every time I mention "India trip" to my friends its the same thing... fights and negotiation with husbands and IL. I learnt from thier experience and and now plan where I am going to stay and for how long before I go to India. I do not let my IL make decisions for me. Just like my parents they give me their opinion and favourable dates ( around say a function) and I make sure I show up for it. Same goes for my parents. If for say my parents visited me that year in the US then when I go to India I stay longer at my IL and vice versa. However for all that I complain about my IL, she is a gem when she understands that I need to go and see my parents first. I respect her for that..even though I do not expect her permission to do so I respect her for understanding my need to see my parents first ( there is nothing like landing into your parents house in the middle of the night and catching up thro the night). I come to her house the next day or two days later.
I think she knows this feeling since she has a daughter as well and would love her to come home as well and spend more time with her ( esp after my SIL inlaws treat her real bad she has no business spending time with them).
I hope all the senior members see this and understand that a small gesture like this would help bring their daughter in laws closer to them and respect them . Putting tradition and "showing off daughter in law" in front of other people, and ignoring your DIL simple request to see her parents first really undermines the relationship. It blatently shows that there is no consideration for feelings. You will notice that your daughter in law would also start respecting your sentiments as well esp those that are true to your heart and not "tradition" or "custom" driven.

 

@jamuna

well said jamuna....It is still going same in some families....I can say mine is the one...

 

well said roses_bloom....nice post