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Parents first......alliance called off!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adara, Oct 8, 2010.

  1. adara

    adara Bronze IL'ite

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    After a really long time I am visiting this site. Hope all are doing great!!

    This is about my elder cousin's daughter. My cousin is looking for her alliances and due to some or the other reason it is not matching. My cousin is feeling tensed due to this. The daughter is 25, well educated and working.

    Recently, the man's side came to meet them. So, as in every arranged marriage settings they saw each other and then they were left alone to talk and interact. It seems the man talked well and they both conversed for long time. Finally, I hear that the match is cancelled.
    In the course of their conversation, the man said that even after marriage his parents would be his highest priority, they would come first and next his wife. This irked my cousin's daughter and she called it off.

    My cousin asked me to call her daughter and talk. My neice told me she did not like the way he put his parents first. I asked whats wrong in that? That does not mean he will not care for you. She said "Why did he have to say so specifically. I have not even interacted with his parents yet and he brings them into picture, if this is the case now then I know what after marriage.
    I do not want to marry a person who cannot see me equally placed with his parents".

    What do our Ilites say to this? Want to hear from you.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2010
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  2. SreeSri

    SreeSri Gold IL'ite

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    I am the sole of THAT MAN!!! Good job "That Man"!!!
    OP: You are correct...
     
  3. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Good for your niece. Wise decision. :thumbsup
     
  4. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    If her gut feeling is saying, that this man will not be a good husband to her, I think she made a very wise decision.
     
  5. adara

    adara Bronze IL'ite

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    SreeSri, Why do you think that man is correct? Just your thoughts. Though I feel that my neice over reacted but you see so many things happening these days too.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2010
  6. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    I think your niece has a good instinct here. It seems like the guy is already thinking ahead of the situation and perhaps is making some assumptions here. Analysing the situation from what you have written here, it seems to me the guy has already put the girl on defence here: his words could easily be interpreted as a warning, "I like you, but don't come between me and my parents." Of course, I dont know the context in which the prospective groom had said those words. But it seems to me he is expecting adversarial relationships between the in-laws and not one of harmony.
    To me, it is not a good idea to start off on a relationship on this footing. Were he to have instead spoken about how strong his bonds are with his parents and how much love he feels for them, it would have been different, no? That would have only demonstrated to the prospective bride that he is capable of attachment with her also and that she would be very important in his life, if not the most important. I know that was what I went looking when I was in groom searching mode - a healthy relationship between parents and adult child, tempered with an ability to think for themselves.
    I really do think the prospective groom took the wrong tack with your niece. For all that he knows, his parents and she would have gotten along very well and he would never have had to put one ahead of the other... When you love your family, one person cannot be more important than the other. It should be situations which demand such prioritisation not people, methinks.
    That said, it is possible the young man said something not quite right because he was nervous. If that could be a possibility then I think a second meeting and a more elaborate conversation could set things right - if she thinks they are compatible every other way.
    Just my two cents.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2010
  7. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Quite possible.

    Very hard to interpret on messg board without their body language and context.
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Adara,


    Good to see you after a long time. You still in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on">atlanta</st1:City> or moved to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region>. You have plans to move <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region> right.

    I believe this has been a common trend to convey girl message about taking care of his parents. I don't know whether the boy has this thinking in the mind or that get injected by parents. But at least quite of them would tell the same thing, but at this stage they really don't know what does that means. You might see Ajan35 post but he quite well know what does that means but some, I believe they don't know what does it really mean.

    There could be two chances, he can really turn into great husband. There is proverb, the person who takes care of his parents very well responsible to take care of his family.
    I believe it's signal for the bride that he is responsible to take care of his parents and his needs.
    If you cousin is wise, she should have put the same words with him and see how it goes and she would have tested his maturity to deal with the things.
    Anyhow it's called off. No use of discussing. She knows what she is looking for her. Best of luck.
     
  9. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with the part that why did he have to say specifically?Recently a poster had the same problem...her would be said the same and after marriage he showed his true colours.
    I wish all girls are strong like your cousin's daughter...when a girl gets an intuition,it is better to stay away.I can understand if the boy says he wants to take care of his parents and never leave them.that is acceptable and gives positive vibes.This line of parents first and wife next is suspicious...you never know heat the man actually means.that being said,the man cannot be judged on this aspect alone.the girl should have probed further.

    I think you and her mother are worried unnecessarily...she will get a wonderful man who understands her well.she knows what she is doing and she's just 25.she has another year to go...give her mother some confidence!
     
  10. reverie

    reverie New IL'ite

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    Hi Adara,
    I feel she made a bad decision, which was premature. She could have spent some time with her potential in-laws & the rest of the clan and met him a couple of more times before making the decision.
    But it may not cost her much as there are billions of guys still left. But the bad part is, she came out of the whole exercise feeling like a sprint champion, high on Gatorade and adrenaline. Life is a more than a marathon. You don’t judge a person based on one conversation. He was not reading from a well-prepared speech on a teleprompter. Men mature over age & women continue to make emotional decisions althroughout their life.
    Wish she spent some time with her potential in-laws & the rest of the clan before making the decision in haste. Any way life goes on…Wish her luck for finding a perfect one…:)
     

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