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Parents And Money

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Angela123, Apr 26, 2021.

  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    @nuss yes, I am learning to let it go. I have sent money in the past, so I have set expectations. Now, I can’t at least for the next few years, because we need the money. I want to send them something once in a while, H is completely against it. He says they will use our money for household expenses, which sis and BIL are not sharing.
     
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  2. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel that when we send money to our family, we should do this with no expectations! If they want to spend it on household- so be it. You gave it, t's their money now and their choice to spend it whatever way they feel like.
    Your sis and BIL are sharing the responsibility of being with old parents and dealing with their mood swings. It is not a walk in the park!

    That's my philosophy and what I have learned in my life!
     
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    And they are right too. o_O
    You seem to want to give them money for the effect that has on your own psyche. This has nothing to do with their financial situation. In all contexts, means-tested grants tend to annoy both the receiver and the giver..... even when the two aren't trying to scaffold some relationship with the fund transfer.

    You have two options: (1) give money to the extent that you don't need it for yourself/your-family, and take the abuse they dish out on video calls (2) don't give money, and take the abuse they dish out on video calls.
    I liked this.
     
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  4. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I understand your situation and in my case as we are settled here in usa only my sister takes care of them.personally, I have an emergency fund and I keep some amount in that , account is on my name and I left ATM card with my parents. They don't touch that money for house hold stuff unless it is urgent but in case of hospitalizations they will use that card. It is like a prepaid card, we don't communicate about it at all, even if I don't fill they don't ask but I will keep tab on balance and every couple of years I will put an amount, In that way they can immediately pay for medical stuff.

    We never talk about that account or card at all.

    Not even my sister, but they know if an emergency arises where to look for hope this helps.

    Every family, every situation is different

    I have seen my father doing that with his parents and still does that

    When parents grow old, get hospitalized it is very hard for children who are physically present , I have seen(still seeing) my parents dealing with their old parent health issues along with their own aged health issues.

    So who are there physically will know the pain, it cannot be replacable with money.

    Still I have made a choice to move abroad, and this is only I can do. Hope this helps
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2021
    Angela123, Anusha2917, Meghaa and 2 others like this.
  5. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    The children who are physically present with parents cannot be replaced by money....very very true. The money that is sent by children abroad can supplement but can never be replaced by the care at home which other children are taking. And many parents do not like to give account of the money they are given....leave out asking for money. It should be done in a subtle way as you are doing. So that nobody feels hurt and do not lose their self respect.
    Syamala
     
  6. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    I don't have brother, so I find really amazing when I hear a woman staying with parents after marriage and taking care of them. I don't know how your sister convinced her husband for it, but really hats off. Because majority of guys /their parents will never agree to this .

    I feel they all are doing fine , and they dont really need money else they would have asked you directly that time. I can understand your agony - but I think they seem to be self sufficient monetarily - that's why they are avoidiing the topic.The resentment may not be due to money but something else, otherwise they would have told you their financial difficulties.
    But still I feel, getting two daughters married does create a big dent in parents' finances - so maybe you can send them some appropriate amount of money during festivals or in form of gold, so that they should not feel embarrassed.

    Why they are taunting you suddenly could be because of some other resentment. Maybe they wanted you to offer money during hospitalization as that would have made them feel good, or taken leaves during hospitalisation . I don't think they actually want money, Maybe you could invite them to your home for some months and try to repair the relationship.

    Avoid asking too much about their property and who is handling it- it can be taken in wrong way. Your sis /BIL would be handling fine.
    So forget the money matter for now, try to show your concern in other ways if possible. Offer to take leaves and visit during their hospitalization etc. And if they continue to be passive aggressive, then better to maintain some distance. As you said your mom has tendency for giving silent treatment. So do whatever is right for your mental health.
     
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Certain PSU banks in India insist that atleast a transaction takes place in a quarter in the form of withdrawals or fund transfer online in the account every quarter lest the account turns inoperative and to make the account functional one has to redo the KYC formalities. In the case of senior citizens, many complaints have been doing rounds for return of cheque’s unpaid to third parties for signature mismatch.
     
  8. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    @Angela123 I hope you and lil angel are doing good...
    I have learnt this from this forum when I was facing similar issues with family .
    1) Help (if you can) but do not expect them to come back and tell you where they spent . Parents will not disclose such expenses to their kids just because we are grown up, independent and can manage finances better than them. Your sis staying with them will have some idea but trust me not the full picture.
    2) Pranavi's suggestion is really good. Perhaps depending on your family situation you can try that.

    Trust me when I followed the suggestions given here in IL (mostly something based on point 1) I was at a much better place mentally. The post partum struggle is REAL. Just concentrate on your family and help them if you can but do not expect them to acknowledge your help or let you know where they are spending. It will give you the muc needed peace of mind
     
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  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all for the suggestions. H and I were talking constantly about this since I had the conversation with the parents. We are going to talk in detail with my parents about this. We have decided not to send money until we know some details about their finances. A few reasons to this. Ever since H and I got married, we treated both sides parents equal no matter how they treated us. if we send something to one side, other side got the same including sharing any details of our life. If I send money to my home, my MIL will know because my parents cant stop talking about it and they talk to MIL every week. So we have to send to MIL too, same amount. She is old and need treatments, she uses her money and some we sent in the past, her savings remain the same from the last 5 years. She is taken care of by relatives who gets paid for that, but like many of you mentioned, taking care of elderly is so hard. I have done it myself, so I know first hand. as soon as MIL gets money the relatives will ask too. They have a way of extorting money from us, it is constant calls and other things. on top of all these, we have a BIL (H's bro) constantly texting that he is in financial difficulty, need at least 10-15 lakhs. So things are not as straight forward as one would think. We are looking at spending 3-4x money that I will send to my home. This is why we are hesitating to initiate this. We are tired of saying no to people, while they don't even ask us how we are doing here. Yes, we are in the US which doesn't necessarily mean that life is a bed of roses here.

    I am planning to have a sit down with my parents excluding my sis and BIL. We will go from there. My parents are famous for dodging any serious conversation about anything. Let's see how that goes.
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Instead of giving lump sums can you establish some investment that will throw off interest that they can use monthly? Some modest amount within your means. Then they can’t complain that you don’t do anything and you will not be surprised with sudden expenses. Almost no one in India understands how expensive child care is in the US.
     
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