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Parenting a Toddler and a PhD - Can it go together?

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by preethiitech, May 29, 2014.

Parenting a toddler and PhD

  1. Yes can be done

    10 vote(s)
    76.9%
  2. No, Impossible

    3 vote(s)
    23.1%
  1. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friends,

    I am here in a confusion. I want to get some suggestions, opinions, tips and tricks..friendssmiley

    My DD is 1.5 years old and things are such that I may plan for a PhD anytime soon.. Is this possible? I am a working mom, flexi timings, but actually I still don't manage to find time.. I am in a hurry always.. My DD is like 'mummy, mummy, mummy......... for everything' . The moment I wake up she will wake up, and she goes to bed by 11 nowadays.. Dh is very busy Mon-FRi at work. Weekends are what we spend happily as a family.. Some days I have backlogs at work and house also.. But I generally get it going.. I am super-stressed that I have to do it all alone sometimes because I want everything to be perfect..I lack the 'me-time' on most days..doh1

    Now, I am thinking of pursuing a Doctorate..I am quite interested to do this, as the time is nice in terms of career, the team which is starting now sounds so helpful, the peer group which supports and encourages kind of things..But they are all full time students pursuing this.. while only I am the mom, wife, working, maid, driver, on-call nurse etc kind of person.....thinkingsmiley

    My questions:

    Is this the right time?
    Can I manage on top of baby, house, work?
    Will I not perform as good as the others as I dont have enough time?
    How to manage baby and time?

    There is no one around in our location like parents, in laws, full time maids etc to take help from.. I cook twice a day on weekdays and 3 times on weekends. and generally do everything myself. 2-3 weeks once, we call in a maid for 4 hours to mop, wash toilets etc kind of work

    I understand this commitment , if I take it now, it will be for a good 3 years atleast.. So how do I cope? Is this a bad idea? or Can I do this?

    This thread is in the parenting forum, because at the end of the day,my DD is more important for me.. So parents, expecting your replies..:Bow:
     
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  2. DrPreetha

    DrPreetha Gold IL'ite

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    Hai Preethi,
    Don't worry dear start phd,you would get used to running your schedule soon!This is of course the right time!Do not worry regarding your performance with regular friends, as you prefer perfection in work you would absolutely be perfect.Of course within a week from start you would schedule looking after your toddler!Go ahead! Best wishes!
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2014
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  3. Nitha J

    Nitha J IL Hall of Fame

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    Trust me, Yes, you can if you find a good daycare for your kid.
    I am not sure how is the ph.d timing at your country; here you need not go everyday. I know a girl who does ph.d. She started when her kid was 6 month.

    I am another example.
    When I returned to college, my first one was barely 4, and second one 1.5 years. In a class filled mostly with early 20's, I am still surviving grandly, with highest GPA in my class. I do my coursework at night, after putting my kids to bed. Some days are light, and certain days, I get barely 2 hours sleep.

    From my personal experience, motherhood never stops you from doing what you want and excelling in it. I feel being a mother has empowered me a lot, and my ability to multi-task is multiplied.

    Best Wishes.
     
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  4. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    My teacher in college got married, got pregnant and nursed her little child, all in the process of getting her phD in pharmacology.

    And the good thing is she got it in the stipulated time period, did not have an extension.

    She was a wondeful teacher as well, she managed a new home, a new life, her pregnancy, then her baby, while being one of the excellent teachers we had, AND also pursuing her phD!

    I was totally in awe of her!
     
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  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, you can! Being a mother doesn't mean you are leg shackled for life. You should be able to do whatever you want to do. I'm the mother to an autistic toddler and tween. My DH is away most of the time. It's like being a single parent in a very difficult situation but I still manage fairly well. On top of everything I have going, I recently started training for a half marathon. I know I can't keep up with the rest of my group in terms of weekly miles but I still train my hardest. I don't want my daughter to think that having babies is the end of my aspirations. I don't want her to think she cannot do what she wants to do because of babies. We are mothers who should be teaching our kids that we can achieve whatever it is that we wish for. We have to teach by example!
     
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  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Preethi, I am sorry, my opinion is a little different from others. I dont think it’s the right time for you to start PhD now. I understand that having a baby doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be successful in career/education etc. However, given that you are already finding it hard to manage a toddler/job, how are you going to find time for this huge commitment? I don’t believe in jumping into something this big (it may take 3-5 years if I am not mistaken) without making sure you really can do this; especially when you don’t have a support system.

    Always remember, just because someone else did it, it doesn’t mean we can too. At least that philosophy didn’t work for me. So, consider the pro’s and con’s. Write down what you are doing currently and where you are going to find time to do it. Are you OK with working 18 hours a day? The reason I say 18 hours is, you may get time only after you put your DD to bed. And you are saying she wakes up the moment you wake up. So, how are you going to manage it?

    Don’t jump into this. Schedules will not fall into place. We need to make them fall into place. Are you planning on quitting work? Are you planning on getting a nanny or sending DD to daycare? Where are the extra hours? Think carefully.

    At the end of the day, only you can decide if it’s the right time for you.
     
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  7. Chitravivek

    Chitravivek Platinum IL'ite

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    Preethi: I beg to differ from all the ladies here and say its not the right time to start solely because of you last line ( your DD is more imp). She is barely 1.5yrs and at 2yrs terrible twos will start where in you need to give her more attention and mold her. When you let these moments lose believe me its hard to bring the kid back on track. She is too young to lose your attentions. PHD is huge responsibility by itself and from your post I can see you already have enough on your plate. Adding one more huge responsibility will make you stressed and at the end the kid will suffer so my thought is if you can defer it for few more years you should consider it.

     
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  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly my thoughts Chitra. Even if she is able to juggle everything, she will be left burnt-out/ and stressed most of the time which will eventually MAY boil down to being stressed out with DD.

    Like I said Preethi, think long and hard and if you think you can manage, by all means you should.
     
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  9. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Can it be done? Yes. Is it easy? No.

    I worked on my PhD with a baby in tow. My husband had graduated and moved to another state for work. Initially, I had help from my mother but after she left, it was just me and my 9-month old. The first thing I did was plan my work day around my son's routine, then I found a reliable babysitter, and finally I had a talk with my advisor about my situation. Thankfully my advisor was very cooperative and gave me the flexibility to work within the restrictions of being a full time single parent.

    My babysitter came for 5 hours a day, during which I used to go to my lab, attend classes, meetings, complete my TAing hours etc. I aimed to put in at least 5 hours of research work a day. This meant waking up early and working until my son woke, using every minute of nap time to work, and sitting beside him on the floor and working as long as he played by himself. There were days when this strategy didn't work and I would get as little as an hour or two of work done. But overall, I managed.

    However, you cannot do this without some sort of support from your husband or extended family. There will be conferences to attend and papers to write. You will have to pass at least three exams — a qualifier, a comprehensive and the defense. You will need to write and perfect your dissertation. All this cannot be accomplished without some help. You will need people to watch your child while you attend to these tasks.

    It is absolutely possible to work on a doctorate while being a mom, however it will take immense discipline, patience and perseverance to get through it. The are a few extrinsic factors that will determine how well you cope with this endeavor.


    1. a cooperative spouse or occasional support from other family members
    2. an understanding PhD advisor
    3. preferably some form of part time daycare
    4. a manageable workload. Maybe fewer credits per semester. It might take you more three years to complete the degree, which isn't an altogether bad idea since it will mean a lower workload. As I was in the US on a student visa, I had no choice but to maintain a full time course load
    5. your own desire to succeed. If you want it badly enough, you will find a way to make it work.

    There is no 'right' time. There is only now. If this is what you want from life, grab it with both hands. There will always be another excuse to not do it. If getting this degree will make you more fulfilled and happier in the long run, then it will only make you a better parent and a role model for your daughter.
     
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  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Gauri, excellent post. Nominating for finest post.

    I probably would have advised the same if OP is also a full time student. She is a full time working mom (unlike you) and wants to finish in 3 years.

    But Preethi, I dont mean to discourage you at all; by all means you should do it, if you think you can manage. Just write down how you can find extra (at least) 4 hours a day and you should be able to do it.

    Good luck my dear. You DD will be proud.
     
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