Parental Threats

Dear Satchi
What a timing. I used to always do this with my boys telling that if they don’t do their homework they won’t get their iPads or their pocket money. After speaking the. I will feel guilty about the discussions. Last weekend one of my friend told me that she attended a parental tips meeting of some sort. There they have pointed about discussing the results and consequences of the behaviour. Since then, last two days I have changed the approach by discussing then with their behaviour’s results and it’s consequences. I felt 8 year old is getting something for the 6 year old it is going over his head. I am trying. We will see how it goes.
I loved your desert idea. You just have been a cheeky child too. Thank you for the lovely post.
Vani

 

I am a mom myself now, Inspite of that my mom keeps telling me the same thing in a different way now
“If you dont call and talk to me tomorrow, i will get a terrible headache and then later you will feel guilty”....
If you dont eat all the items that are cooked on a festive day, it means you dont love me....
Looks like i do the same to my dd....
If you dont sit in one place and eat, mumma will never talk to you

 

Isn't it look like a emotional blackmail? sorry if I misunderstood. I never told like this to my kids or my parents to us so confused.

 

Dear Satchi! You reminded me of all the threats my Mom used at me!

When I was in Kinder-garden, as I was leaving for my science exam, my Mom said, "If you don't get 100 marks, I will not let you in". My little heart took it so literally and when I got 99 marks, I sat crying outside my classroom thinking that I cant go home without a 100 on the slate. After some crying and thought process, I proceeded to erase the 99 and make it 100 with a little help of my saliva and duly caught in the act by the teacher! I told her with all innocence, "Amma will not let me in. Please put 100" Then my Mom got a huge lecture from my teacher it seems

Even today, we laugh about this and whenever my Mom blackmails me I would quote this and we both would laugh!

 

All I can say is, kids these days are too smart to give into parental threats! In fact they are intelligent enough to manipulate parents into giving them what they want!

 

Both bribes and threats are counterproductive. If the kid is made to expect ice cream or pastry (as in my case) if/he/she did the homework they will end up being obese (like me once). Even threats don't work. In my case thge threat to sell me off to a cowherd or shepherd had no effect on my poor academic record.
Wjat the kid needs is an honest talk about how IT companies hire only those w9ith high grades or how they would get medical or engineering college admmissions only when they study hard. (That didn';t work in my case. The only thing I learnt well are languages).

 

Dear Satchi,

This is not fair; you pick topics that just makes me write a looooong FB!

Yeah, we have all faced it and somewhere used similar threats on our kids too. Parenting is like a double-edged sword; No matter what you do or how you do, there will always be some negative impact and comparatively little positive impact!

When we associate good behaviour and marks with threats, some sensitive children take it to heart and suffer a lot as @Rajeni quoted. I was visualising little kid @Rajeni going through that immense pressure at not managing to score cent percent. Similarly, I had internalised that I was good for nothing because my parents compared me to my elder sister, failing to see my own special talents.

On the other hand, when parents don't use any such threats, I have seen children develop a Devil may care attitude and even that has its own repercussions. When we use reasoning/ consequences, after a point depending on their sensitivity, children may either develop a good logic in future or cringe with complexes, as at a young age they try to evaluate themselves wrongly and slot themselves. This is more so with late bloomers and kids with a non-academic bent of mind. They give-up pushing themselves totally. The future targets/repercussions appear too big and challenging to some!

Highlighting the need for academic achievements to be an achiever-doctor/engineer again demotivates some children. Lately, psychologists advice against pushing children to have high achievers as role-models!

Huh! Under such mixed advice Vs children's performance scenario being parents of good children is in itself an award for the parents. Perhaps parents must place least expectations on children and focus more on building their good character, smartness and make them strong on emotional skills. Academic performance-based evaluations or future ideas must be given in a very subtle way. Maybe when the children are at the high school level, after ascertaining their aptitudes and capabilities, they can be motivated to perform better and even parents must be prepared to accept their children's alternate career choices!

At present, I believe we have to focus on raising happy children and parents must be very careful especially while dealing with sensitive children.

Just my two cents, I don't know if I make any sense.