Parental Support During Child Birth

Sweety2016 · Oct 29, 2022

Hi all,
I am perplexed and never thought that I will be starting such a thread.
I love my parents dearly and so do they. I have seen parents supporting their daughters physically and emotionally during childbirth irrespective of the nature of relationship they share. I delivered a beautiful baby few days back at my parents place. Except for my husband, nobody was there to support me in the hospital. My heart ached when patients, attenders and even doctors questioned why no elders from our side were present.
Reasons
1. My mom is a chronic patient with several interconnected auto immune diseases. So, to prevent infections I told her not to visit hospital premises. My dad visited me sometimes as he had to support mom with household chores ( we have 2 maids for cooking and cleaning) and looking after my elder daughter.
2. Relatives are too busy with their own lives that no one was willing to stay even a single day at hospital.

Now, I have got discharged from hospital and at home. My Mil visited me and took my elder child with her to SIL's place so that we get some breathing space to take care of the baby. To my surprise, my parents have long faces for the entire day and keep talking amongst themselves. They interact well with maids, entertain visiting relatives, buy sweets to share the news with their acquitances. Mom doesnt come near the baby as she has cold and cough. They provide me healthy food for which I am indeed grateful.
Me and my H takes care of the baby. But since H works from home, I don't trouble him in the night. I manage the baby alone at night. My parents sleep in the adjacent room and not once have they asked whether I need any help when I would be dealing with a crying colicky baby. I hardly sleep for 2 hrs in the night. It would have been so helpful if I had someone alongside who can help me burp the baby once I have done feeding. In addition to severe abdominal pain and bleeding, I also have developed swollen feet suggestive of DVT. All this is making my life so difficult.
My parents indifference gives me immense emotional pain. Should I have a talk with them? Am I behaving like an entitled person and over reacting? Pl share your inputs.
Thank you.

MalStrom · Oct 29, 2022

First of all, congratulations on your new baby!
I would advise against confronting your parents. It would be nice if they could offer you more support but they probably don’t feel up to the task because of your mother’s health condition. If you raise the issue they will become more defensive and upset and it will lead to hurt feelings all around. Another possibility is that they have simply forgotten how challenging the initial days can be with a newborn, and may assume that you and your DH have a handle on everything.
You are not wrong in feeling upset and you are not entitled, but you are facing your expectations colliding with the reality of the situation.
You can ask your husband to take at least a couple of weeks off to help you recover from the delivery. Then you can focus on getting some rest for yourself too. If possible I would try to move back to your own house, unless you are following confinement customs at your parents place.
In the US it is possible to hire a night nurse who will take care of the baby at night so the parents can get rest. I don’t know if something like that is an option for you, just throwing out the suggestion.

Rihana · Oct 29, 2022

Sweety2016 said: ↑

My Mil visited me and took my elder child ...
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Congratulations to you and all in your family. When my second child was born, one of the inexplicable side thrills was referring to my first one as my elder child. : ) I quite overdid the "you are now a big sister" thing.

Am I behaving like an entitled person and over reacting? Pl share your inputs.
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There's this popular saying: "Don’t promise when you are happy, don’t reply when you are angry, and don’t decide when you are sad." I like to add to that: The thoughts, feelings and emotions that we experience when in hospital as a patient or with a loved one, are very complex. Don't examine them too closely and don't act on them..

Hosting you all and providing healthy food is quite a bit of work and disruption of routine for older parents. Ignore the long faces and their not checking on you in the night. Talking about it will not help in any way. Don't bring it up now or later.

Frankly, if your husband is getting uninterrupted sleep each night with a newborn in the house, that is rather odd. Even if you shoo him away, he should insist on sleeping in the same room (on the floor if needed) and doing whatever he can to help.

Anisu · Oct 29, 2022

Congratulations !!
Now a days these are common. It is not that parents do not want to help. They will be helpless due to their health condition. Taking care of new born is very very tough. Helping with food and other work in the house itself will be a lot of relief.
You have to concentrate on your health and the baby now. Ask your husband to take couple of weeks off and help you with the new born.
Do hire another help atleast for 3 months who can help you with the baby.
Do not expect any help from parents.

hrastro · Oct 29, 2022

Your parents are taking care of all the peripheral chores... so all you are left with is your baby's activities...
Do appreciate them for what they are doing, so that your mind is clear of any negative thoughts

Your husband works 8 hours a day, even if he sleeps 8 more hours, he can still spend 8 hours with your baby - ensure YOU SLEEP during these 8 hours - it is probably lack of sleep and rest at your end which is making you all weepy about parents so called negligence!

Even if you cant sleep, ensure you rest and close your eyes and not think anything.....
Your parents love you and are providing you with peripheral care, your MIL and SIL have helped with your older kid - you can take care of your baby with your husband's help, if not, arrange for a nurse (you can decide their time based on what time you are tired and have no one to help)

After the evening feed and dinner, go to sleep for a few hours, while your DH can stay awake for a couple of hours if baby is awake - that way your sleep gets covered early in the night and DH can sleep later in the night, while you wake up for any necessary feeds...

I would finish all the chores (including making breakfast, lunch and snacks time food for baby and me) before my DH left for office. He would massage and bathe the baby before office... Then when baby slept in morning, I would put clothes for washing, other housework etc, after afternoon lunch baby would sleep and I would sleep along with him, so, I would be fresh in the evening when he would be active... till DH would return from office!

Even then, I would long for a cup of coffee with someone at 5pm - one of my cousins or aunts used to visit me few times a week to just chat and spend time!

Have someone (even if paid) come over for a few hours a day! That will give you some much needed breaks... and you will get over what your parents do or dont do!

I totally understand immunocompromised - and they are not concerned about themselves falling sick - they are probably more concerned about what they will pass to you or your baby! So, please have a positive mindset about your parents help!

Keep smiling
HR

Laks09 · Oct 29, 2022

Sweety2016 said: ↑

Am I behaving like an entitled person and over reacting? Pl share your inputs.
Thank you.
Click to expand...

Congratulations on the new baby!
You are behaving like a new mom who just had a baby! Your hormones are doing the talking here. You already know from experience that postpartum your feelings intensify. That clubbed with the fact that your immunocompromised mom isn’t being around the baby is not helping matters. Don’t feel bad for the feelings. Give yourself some leeway here. You are probably overwhelmed with the baby along with postpartum hormonal upheaval and recovery from what seems like a c-section. It’s a major surgery, so give yourself time to recovery. Not everyone can deal with it all and have energy to feel good or blessed or look at positives. Give it time. Hire help and ensure you are taken care of. I feel like all those postpartum massages and other things our grandmothers prescribed is also for emotional well being. Try to get all that done with a hired helper. So many are available in India especially to take care of new mom.
Your parents are doing the best they can. Give them also credit for everything they are doing. Let go of the small things. You are in their home and they are ensuring you are taken care of. That’s a positive in itself. See it as such.

Good Luck! In a year’s time you will be running after a toddler missing all these baby days. In no time, she will be in school and you will wonder where all these baby days went. Take a ton of photos and videos. They grow up too fast!

drdiva · Oct 29, 2022

Congratulations for having a second baby..
These feelings come to your mind even when everyone is doing the best to support you in the postpartum period..So ignore these feelings..Bcoz we have very high expectations. Yo and your husband taking care of the baby is great as ultimately you have to take care of the baby.Parents and inlaws willb there for few months or days only.So cheer up..Everyone loves you.

shivanya07 · Nov 1, 2022

Congradulations OP for the new baby at home! I can relate to your situation as I faced the same. I would say one thing for sure , your parents are not hurting you intentionally. Its just their age that makes them think that you are handling the baby very well and they only need to help you with other chores. In my case , they would give me healthy food, my father used to wash all the baby clothes , dry them and fold them... everything used to be ready but I desperately needed help at night with the baby. Because of their old age they couldn't help me with the night duties. Early morning I used to wait for someone to get up and hold baby for sometime since I wouldn't have slept for the whole night but as soon the get up they would go around with their chores. And their chores was washing my baby's clothes,giving me healthy food. So technically they were helping me in some way .But at that point of time I felt they could have done more to help me physically. My kids are grown up now and my parents are an adoring grandparents to them. OP, so dont think too much about this and if possible get little more help from hubby. I would recommend not talking about this to your parents now.
Hope your situation gets better!

Sweety2016 · Nov 2, 2022

I am overwhelmed! Thank you so much ladies for your inputs. I feel so bad on realizing how mean these hormones have made me into...I kept arguing with them on silly issues...my dear parents are sincere and with all that pain still struggle to provide me the best possible care they can afford. I will not bring up this issue with them.
Regarding husband, his company is actively laying off people in managerial positions. His otherwise decent boss has become a bully nowadays putting my H down in all possible ways. He is worried of being laid off, hence took 10 days leave and joined back to work. I don't want to stress him further. He did offered to help me at night but I told I will summon him if needed. He takes care of baby activities in the morning while I sleep. He also takes care of elder child's morning chores.
Dad and mom I am so sorry for not understanding you. I don't even have the courage to look at their faces and say this.

MalStrom · Nov 2, 2022

Sweety2016 said: ↑

I am overwhelmed! Thank you so much ladies for your inputs. I feel so bad on realizing how mean these hormones have made me into...I kept arguing with them on silly issues...my dear parents are sincere and with all that pain still struggle to provide me the best possible care they can afford. I will not bring up this issue with them.
Regarding husband, his company is actively laying off people in managerial positions. His otherwise decent boss has become a bully nowadays putting my H down in all possible ways. He is worried of being laid off, hence took 10 days leave and joined back to work. I don't want to stress him further. He did offered to help me at night but I told I will summon him if needed. He takes care of baby activities in the morning while I sleep. He also takes care of elder child's morning chores.
Dad and mom I am so sorry for not understanding you. I don't even have the courage to look at their faces and say this.
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Don’t beat yourself up. You are all under different kinds of stress and you also have to deal with postpartum hormones. See if you can hire more help. This will soon pass.