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Parental Favouritism

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by sln, Mar 5, 2020.

  1. sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    Parental favouritism


    When we ask parents whether they are partial to any child they are quick to respond and say no.My mother used to say “rendu kannum onnu dhan”[both eyes are the same] .This is incorrect, barring exceptional cases. Majority of parents play favourites some time or other due to various reasons.

    Chandran 74 recalls that his younger brother enjoyed more privileges than him due to a strange reason.His ailing grandfather passed away within a month of his arrival and his grandmother used to say [thathavai muzhungitan] as if chandran was responsible for his grandfathers death.Added to this, his father lost his job and they had to face financial difficulties,As luck would have it, things changed for the better after his brother was born.The difference in treatment was palpable till the very end.Chandran finished his graduation and took up a temporary job in a textile shop to call and invite customers to the shop.He felt that this was better than facing criticism of vetti choru[free food].I asked Chandran about his favouritism.He said he is partial to his daughter as she was the first and provided emotional and financial support to him.

    What exactly is favouritism?

    More and friendly communication,consultation,more privileges.less discipline and less scolding and sometimes irrational division of properties.

    Generally the first one enjoys all privileges and the last one all affection from not only the parents but from other siblings also[kadaikutti-last one]

    There are many examples of fathers supporting achievers and mothers supporting weaklings both physically and financially.

    There is Mr.Chary[ 70] has three sons.He openly says that he is more fond of his first son[45] because he consults him on career change,investments and educational goals of his chidren.His second son takes decisions and makes it a point to inform him.His third son does not care to share any information with him.The reason perhaps Chary says , is that he tried to discipline him for his wayward behaviour as a teenager..

    Narayanan[85] says that his finances were weak when he sent his first son just to get a degree and employment.On the other hand, position and finances improved by the time his second son went to college and completed Engineering.He is very well off.The old man to compensate, built a house for his first son and also managed to get him a job in a navratna PSU on his retirement.Inspite of this his first son holds a grudge against his father and does not take care of him as his second son..

    My sister [70] is partial to her son compared to her daughter because only her son has to carry her on her final journey.Another sister [5 chidren ]is more sympathetic to her second son as he has two daughters entailing higher financial commitment. The son also cleverly repeats the sob story to get financial advantage from his parents.

    There is a peculiar case where the parents favoured the son compared to the daughter.The father,an army man tried to discipline his daughter right from her dress code,studies,behaviour etc.After the girl got employed she scoffed at her father and one day went and quietly married an out of community boy.She openly said that she wanted to punish her father for deriding her when she was growing up.

    Now I come to the difficult question.Am I partial or show favouritism among my two daughters.It is a difficult question as Mythili has left two angels to take care of me.My first handles me like my mother and the second one as a head master.Both shower affection you can experience only in a dream.First one is a home maker and goes even into small details to make my life comfortable. I therefore call her Thalli [mother[Second one is an achiever with quadruplets and running an NGO with commitment and compassion.No one can beat her services when some one is sick or hospitalised.Rightly therefore she is referred to as Sister Therasa in our family circle.

    There is a general rule that fathers like daughters and mothers, sons.The story goes like this.The father thought that he married an embodiment of femininity but in course of time she was wearing the trousers at home. Mother thought that she married a chivalrous and courageous man but found him to be insensitive and scared.The father and mother therefore have high hopes on their daughter and son respectively.One night the daughter had planned to elope with her boy friend who shouts from ground floor –come fast-we will miss the train.The daughter says-don’t shout –you will wake up my father and he cant sleep once he gets up. The boy replies –don’t worry –your father only is holding the ladder. There is also another saying that daughters choose some one like their father and that is why mothers weep when their daughters get married and go.


    “Nearly all parents worry about whether they play favourites. But even when parents vow to treat their children equally, they soon find that this is just not possible. Every child is different and parents must respond to their unique characteristics appropriately. You shouldn't react to a 3-year-old's tantrums in the same way as you would to a 13-year-old's. You can't deal with aggressive children in the same way as passive children. Even identical twins can't be treated identically. When it comes down to it, every child wants to feel like they're different, not clones of their siblings. The best parents can do is stay aware of any differential treatment they give and try to be as fair as possible”.[ Joshua D.Foster and Ilan Shrira]




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  2. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear sln sir,

    that is a question we, as parents battle all the time. I think anyone dealing with children have to answer that every now and then. I always tell my students that I am doing what I think is right for that child at that minute even if it looks like I am showing some favoritism. The examples you have provided are interesting and true in many cases. I think favoritism stands out when there are just two kids. In the days of my grand ma, perhaps the not-so favored children had the company of other not-so favored siblings :)
     
    satchitananda likes this.
  3. sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    QUOTE="Srama, post: 4178043, member: 8183"]that is a question we, as parents battle all the time[/QUOTE]
    We debate this all the time and yet we develop a soft corner for some one.As long as there is no attempt at comparison ,this is proof that we are only humans.
    SLN
     
  4. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear SLN sir,
    I think parents pay more attention to the weak child....may be finances, health or for any other reason. The child in difficulties gets more attention not only by parents but siblings also. I know quiet some families where siblings have requested parents to give their share of property to the brother/sister. Parents love all children alike.
    Syamala
     
  5. sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    You are right in saying that parents care more for weaklings healthwise.On the other hand fathers put the blame on sons who are financially weak stating that they should have studied well,worked harder etc.On the other hand mothers have a soft corner for sons who are financially weak irrespective of the reasons.In the case of daughters the story is different in the sense both parents support the weak.There is no universal rule as our understanding is based on live case studies we see around.
    Regards.SLN
     

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