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Parental favoritism

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by sanarthi, Nov 14, 2014.

  1. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Greetings.

    Since i cannot vent it out to anyone, i am writing it here.

    I am 33 yrs old. Let me give you a brief on my childhood. i am the first child for my parents and they had high hopes on me. they wanted me to achieve something. My father tired to put me into many extracurricular activites like singing , dance, sports etc ,. In all those what all he put me up, i was a average on but did not excel and it happened that i did not meet their expectation.

    This non acheivement of expectation made them stringent the rules and that eventually made me to take the other path.. I will try to avoid my stauts/marksheet of curriculam fearing punishment. i will lie as report card was not given, i will sign my report card and give to teacher.. usual student things.

    They will find out and it will flare up often. i even feared returning back home because the pushinmnet would be beatiing me with belt will start from 5 to 7 or making me kneel outside the house for say 1 hr. And after then it will be told many times again and again to me.

    But i agree they did not do it intentionally. Somehow they wanted me to excel in any thing they chose for me. And with all these mental turmoil i did not even try to excel - mistake on my part too. i was an average student and more over went worse.. to say it simple made myself worst .

    Later my sister was born. As usual since she was a new baby (7 yrs younger) she had bit more consideration. but then comparison happens rights.

    With her the picture was different. My father tried her too in many things and she was interested in basket ball and was stable to say more than average. And another thing was that my parents reduced the expectation on my sister.

    And time went by, i am now married with a kid. My parents have moved along with me to take care of my kid since i am working.

    But still i feel my parents compare everything between me and my sister. It will come in mid of some conversations or other. My father feels that she responded well and i did not respond well to his trainings he tried to give us. but gone is gone. Earlier when i was punished i would be treated like a **** for say till 2 days after punishment. So it all made my hand low in my parents house. What all my sister says they will accept until it hurt them.

    My sister is about to get married.

    Now what makes me to feel so depressed is that they often compare my in laws family with my sisters.
    If my mil does something then it is a mistake and they talk to me that she did like this , that till they feel bored;

    If my sisters future family does the same thing, they see it positively.

    And same happens with husbands also.

    Mine is a love marriage in this case and my sisters is arranged. So now it started to happen.

    Comparison. comparison. comparison.

    When i tell my father that for you your second daughter is favortie in certain situations he tells that he feels ashamed of raising me.He tells me you could not take the comparison in right sense. All words can be taken wrong if wanted. As a parent no one will think one child to be good and other to go bad.

    He further more curses me that one of my daughter will say the same. They tell me that my sister till now have not even compared her with me. not even once. Why should she when she gets all love....

    Though they love me , the way they show it to me hurts me.. I really cant tell to any one even to my husband fearing loss of my parents dignity . I fear that my husband should not see my parents down. But he too can see the difference of the treatment.

    My mom tells though i did not excel they made me study till college and i did not get a good job, agreed for love marriage whcih made them face many problems and now shifted location to help me with raising kid.

    But my sister got scholarship at schools, studied in SRM in sports quota and into a good job immediately

    Regarding job when i was about to venture of job serch there were financial crisis and now it is reduced.

    I really feel very depressed. In all these 33 yrs cannot my father and mother see a single positive thing in me and apreciate it. When why father told that he feels ashamed of raising me since i told that his second daughter is his favorite, i felt or even to say had a silent question " when did you feel high because of me to make you feel ashamed".

    I really did not do anything intentionally. I might not have excelled in studies or extra curricular activities... but that i wonder the level of "Excellence" they expect only will make me their favorite child. i dont want to be a favorite child. let my sister enjoy it. But i wanted my father and mom to understand that i am hurt and i love them and i am not hallucinating that my sister is their favorite.
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    You married a man of ur choice, may be deep down u did not wanted ur parents to involve in ur marriage.

    Ur parents behaved very harsh in ur childhood, by giving such punishments. Tell ur father that childhood chapter is over, now u will decide for your own life, success or failure, if he says anything that u didn't do well in ur childhood etc.


    Now u r doing well withjobetc, take in charge of ur kid upbringin, only involve ur parents where it is really needed and show them that how to raise a child with love and support , and fulfilling kids wishes , show them that not other way, we parents fulfilling our wishes through kids.

    Now as they r at ur place, I would suggest don't involve ur self in such of their discussions, just negative energy, leave the place, by saying same discussion, umm.
     
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  3. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    stop trying or needing your parents approval..things will fall into place..nothing will matter.

    sometimes when things don't happen right even if it is parents, letting it go is the only way forward. remember, though parents are not supposed to show favoritism it is sometimes not the child who is at fault. it is the inability of the parents to understand a child who is beyond their boundaries of understanding and tackling. your testing limits as a child was not looked at as a child who is trying to seek attention and trying to grab attention to show she needs something more and different. it was taken as a failure by your father. while with your sister, he had you as a experience of trial and error to fall on to.

    and also understand it is not going to change. it is a way of perspective that has been set in them, and it would take a lot to make them change.

    so it is not you alone, it is your parents too who are at fault. so accept it and move

    you only can learn from that and not follow the same with your kids. learn to forge better bond with your kiddos and have a wonderful life..

    and hugs.
     
    4 people like this.
  4. sripree

    sripree Gold IL'ite

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    How is your relationship with your sister? If you are close to her, maybe you can open up about how you feel. If your sis understands how you feel, then she can make your parents stop when they say bad things about you / your family in the future.

    I read another case like yours. In that situation, the sister was able to take the lead and make the parents realise that what they were doing was not correct.
     
  5. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    sripree,

    i would not try this idea right now. the sister is in the euphoria of getting married and will be in her own emotional state..this could go eitherway.

    op if you have a good relationship with your sister, try it but not right now.
     
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  6. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Kashmir flower. I am vacating the place in case of unnecessary conversations. But it happens like my father tells me that i am scared to face the truth or i am unfit to have a healthy conversation. :-( But i believe in God. This same father who is ashamed of me and my question of this favoritism will surely be proud of me. I am sure God is with me to make it happen. Thanks for your time.
     
  7. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Shanvy. I agree with you . i cannot change my parents. That is the reason i am staying silent. But sometimes it hurts me a lot. Irrespective of place, they will talk high about my sister. Even to my inlaws they will praise my sister. My mom cites my sister a example to my child to tell achieve like your Chitti. These kinds of things all i took it lightly . But i am directly attacked , it makes me to feel the above small things as things of high weight.

    I love my parents and i know they are intentional and also i cannot change them .

    As you told learn from them not to show this to my kids.

    Regards,
    Sandhya
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    then if this is making you lose your sanity, better to move away from toxicity, sometimes even if it is parents.. if you can't it is better to just accept. maybe you wear your emotions on your sleeve, and remember showing your weakness to the world is handing over a weapon to hurt you with. maybe you react too much when they do it, and they do it again to bring out that reaction...

    i know it hurts but it hurts only if you give it too much importance.
     
  9. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sripree,

    My sister is not that mature. Even though our relation is not bitter i can say she feels that most of what she does is right more than me.

    So she wont solve my problem and it will make worse. She will even feel that i envy her.

    Let me be silent until they realize that a child that cannot achieve dont deserve criticism.

    Regards,
    Sandhya
     
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  10. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Yes Shanvy. Usually i dont consider these kind of talk a lot. And in any case i dont want to leave my parents. Because i am indebted towards their relocation for my daughter. That really shows how much they look for me too.

    In my earlier message i told they are intentional . "Not" got missed. They are not intentional. To be frank when my mom tells something i will think she is used to "loose talk". when my father tells i will sway away thinking he is used to it and some one will teach him in his life.

    But when i heard him saying that he is ashamed, i really cannot tolerate.

    That is why i poured it here. But i am sure, at any point i cannot or will not leave my parents.

    We are only 2 daughter. And in my sisters future family there are 4 elderly persons to be taken care off. So it is like i have to care for my parents. What ever they do to me, i wont leave my parents until they wanted to move from me.

    Thanks Shanvy for your time.

    REgards,
    Sandhya
     
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