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Parent child relationship

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by oldgold27, Mar 24, 2009.

  1. oldgold27

    oldgold27 New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I am a new member of these forums and at the outset must tell you all that I am a MIL to a very good DIL.

    Have been reading many of the posts here with a great deal of interest.

    Some posts are negative and some are positive but all , I am sure ,are straight from the heart, giving their own viewpoint.

    One thing we as parents need to understand is that like any other relationship, the parent- child relationship also changes with time and circumstances. And to be able to appreciate that and change accordingly will cause much less heartburn and unhappiness.

    The relationship between parents and children is one of the most important relationships and can be also one of the most volatile.

    The parent /adult child realtionship is very different from the parent/ young child relationship. While the parent /young child relationship is more of the young child being subservient to the parent ,the parent /adult child relationship is between two inividuals.

    The relationship undergoes a change again when it is between an elderly parent/ adult child. The parent here is like a child and needs to be looked after.

    So at different stages of life our responses have to change and our responsibilities also change. How we deal with our responsibilities depends on us.

    Adults, normally have responsibilities towards their own children and towards there elderly parents. Two individuals bound together by marriage have to shoulder these responsibilities together and should not ignore them. How successfully we discharge our responsibilities is the measure of a successful life.
     
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  2. saikeerthana

    saikeerthana New IL'ite

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    Dear Madam oldgold,

    Very truly said ,i agree with all your point ma'am.Adult child should understand and look after their Elderly parents and children as an responsible individual .And to this ofcourse the spouse should support .
    Everything is fine ,but even when the son is doing all his duties and responsibilities ,the parents should also not look / observe and count his changes after getting married.

    As an individual and adult will he have no aspirations to go out with his wife and enjoy .Why they are not given spaces.Why thei good acts are not counted and only mistakes are pointed out and make a big issue of it. They would like to see their daughters enjoy with their DH and feel happy and the same way if the son and DIL are happy why is that they are J.
    OK all this while it was Inlaws house ,i agree they would have built ,they would have decorated all this while /years .But if son/DIl gets something ,why are they angry about it.Why is it not their's house also.Just while cleaning they say it's our house and when DIl want to decorate they say it's my house.infact my DH wanted to get geyser-no,solar-no,bamboo swing -no. U know for all this what they say -'neighbours will feel envy itseems and they'l laugh all of a sudden why are they buying all this'.is this the reason ,is it not bad on their part to break their son's dream /wish to decorate the house when he is capable of all this .We Dil would have left our house and come to a diff totally diff place with so many dreams.When MIl's don't accept them into their house /life where will we go .
    And one thing i really don't agree with you ma'am that elderly people are like kids ,not at all . Physically they'l be weak but mentally they are very much matured and their thinkings are un imaginable. I have experienced this not with one person but many incidents.
    Good ,bad,kiddish,jealous etc all this are the nature of the people which won't change with the age/growing old. They will be acting kidddish but their thoughts are totally different.


    I really don't mean to hurt any good MIL's here but i'm putting all this to make understand those MIL's ,that their's son will not run away with their wife anywhere leaving the responsibility .
    Mother is always a mother,wife is always a wife .We should allow the character son /DH to play his role comfortably with no restrictions.

    regards

    sai
     
  3. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    oldGold ma'm Welcome to IL. Thanks for putting your thoughts across. I understand completely that in your case you are a good MIL to a good DIL. But unfortunately not all women are gifted with good MIL's. Though we hear now and then about MIL being great - it is just 1 in a 100 cases I guess. So let us not generalise that all parents and all MIL are like kids as they grow old, as Sai said (I am sure many ladies will agree to her), there are MILs like hers who just cannot share her house with the DIL, let alone allowing DIL to decide on somethings in the house.

    We live with my MIL :cheers. I dont have problems with her. Believe me, (touch wood), she has never interfered in any of our major decisions like finances, how long I will stay in my parents place, my work, my decision of leaving my kid in my mom's house etc etc...

    But watever little differences we have, it revolves around the house we live it and relish, I used to discuss rarely with my DH, once he said, if you want, you can change things to your way.. dont wait for MIL to do it. You do it yourself without disturbing her (i.e w/o getting her permission)bonk.

    I have noticed that I share a portion of Sai's problems with respect to me and DH buying things for home and my MIL not ready for any change. For nealry 2 yrs after my marriage, it was worse. I cannot interfere in what is cooking, I cannot suggest a dish, even if asked and I tell, it will still zero down to what she prefers (missed my MOM then), I cannot decide on what bedsheet I should use on my Bed, what colour buckets go in my bathroom Drowning. Sometimes, casually I tell her we will wash the sheets in the weekend and change to new ones, in a day or two before I am back home, she will change it to something of her choice (I do appreciate her in doing my bedding BUT :spin), it would be her stuff n her choice. Why would I sleep somewhere where nothing belongs to me. Then after some tips from my DH (he adviced me so I wont find all this a big issue), I started doing things ahead of her, Didnt tell her when I was going to change my bed covers, I change it to my choice (she comments politely asking me to change - I used to obey and would change to her choice earlier, but now NO NO, if someone likes it or not, when it comes to my bed my choice is final now, I still obey by saying I will change it in a week and conveniently forget abt it :)), To an extent, I cook whatever veggies my DH buys, first one or 2 times, my MIL was unhappy, then she was ok with the little changes and has even started liking it now. Atleast my MIL could accept such change, there are so so many MIL out there not willing to change, not willing to give their DIL a chance to live their life!:hide: Recently I questioned my DH on some work happening around our house compound (for safety purposes, my MIL suddenly decided to put aluminium sheets above the compund so that no one can see even little of the house from outside - actually even from inside you cant see a single thing outside the house leave alone see who is on the other side of the gate :spin), my DH didnt comment on her decision so I was asking him why dont you tell her not to cover fully, there will be no ventilation. He politely said it is not our house, we cannot comment :confused2:. I was dumbstuck!

    I fully understand it is their house and they (particularly MIL) have been in charge of it all along, but when it comes to their newly wed son n DIL, there needs to be a little freedom for them to decide what to do with their rooms, their stuff and the way they live in that 'room'.

    Sai, as you said, reasons like neighbours will envy is just to avoid them in bringing a change in their home. I agree they are not kids, mentally they are very very matured and know exactly what they mean, watever they say will have a meaning (direct or hidden).

    No Offense to MILs but we should agree that there are 2 sides of a coin, some are lucky to see the good side of MILs, and some are definetly NOT.
    I love my MIL for her innocence, she sometimes tell me franly that she didnt like her MIL :thumbsup.
     
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  4. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    sorry ladies for sucha BIG post :bowdown. Didnt realise I said so much.. just spoke my heart!
     
  5. oldgold27

    oldgold27 New IL'ite

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    Dear Arthidiva,

    I am touched by your post , (and , no it is not too long.) for obviously I can see that you are a very thoughtful person.

    Sometimes we cannot understand others whether they are DILs or MILs.

    I will just cite here an example from my own life. BTW, my MIL was my role model. She had so much love and affection to give to her children.

    Everytime when she and FIL would visit us we were always looking forward to the visits. I would not let her do anything around the house or in the kitchen thinking that she should get all the rest and change that she could get, till one day FIL actually asked my DH to tell me that she was looking forward to doing something around the house. It never crossed my mind that actually doing something for the g'children or for us would give her so much pleasure.

    As far as my DIL is concerned, they are living quite far away so I try not to interfere in their day to day lives. Very seldom I ask them any questions too. We raised our son to be a good husband, a good father and a good son and we are confident he would be fine in each of those roles. If there is anything they would like me to know they can tell me otherwise no interference and no criticisms. In fact there are a lot of things I appreciate in the way my DIL runs her house.

    My 88 year old mother lives with us now because she is physically not capable of running an independant household. This is another stage of life when the parent needs a child's help. Before this my MIL went through similar stage and they needed us.

    One day we too will be needing help. Whether my DIL will be able to do so I do not know. Who knows?

    In general, if the relationship between parents and children involves mutual respect and trust, things should not be bad.
     
  6. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    I couldnt help but comment on the sentence from Arthi's post .. where her hubby said that the house doent belong to them and it is his parents !!

    Fair enough.. But then.. they dont let go of the son and his wife to make their " own " house too.. It is not fair to poke your nose and decide on what sheets your son and DIL should sleep on too !! God !! Somewhere there needs to be a line drawn. maybe till then the MIL doesnt really decide on what sheets the son should sleep, as either he maybe travelling extensively or he may not care. But when they get him married , they need to let go of their baby to be an adult..

    Few MILs do not let go their sons and dils even if they are healthy enough to take care of themselves .. They also see to that they dont give them space to lead their life under the same roof ! They ensure they stamp every detail in that house as belonging to them. They say they are getting the sons married so that he will be happy.. but the defintion of his happiness is
    " defined by them " .. They feel he could be contended with just that. When they could be so.. so can their DILs.. ! So wrong ! What you are.. neednt be expected out from their sons or DILs !

    So when can the DIL call her husband's parents' house hers ??? When the PILs are no more.. So does that mean she needs to wait for it ?? Now, by the time she can start calling that house " hers " she would be quite old and may be around the time getting her son married !! Now, she starts feeling the house as hers.. and her DIL gets irritated !! SAD STATE !!This reminds me of Lakshmi's post where the pocessive MILs are " made " !!!!

    The cycle never ends.. probably people like you Mrs.Oldgold have started to change times and make way for the next generation...

    Hope the troublesome MILs think about it too !!! I agree that any child( regardless of gender ) must take care of their parents by being available to them when they need physical support.. But when they are healthy enough , why cant they let go rather than fighting morning till night with
    the new member they themselves choose !! Then they blame the DILs and not that their decision was wrong !!! ;) Funny women !!
     
  7. vidhyaramkumar

    vidhyaramkumar Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Oldgold mam,
    What ever u say i accept. I am now a dil of a good mil. Touch wood, till now i have no problems. whatever small trivial things come up must be because of my kids and that small difference of opinion. Yes, ofcourse we both will have our own opinions, but after sometime we come to our normal state and clear between ourselves. I know for sure, that my mil loves me the same as her daughters and she knows that i also love her too. I very well understand her feelings to her son as she lost her husband very early. I will inform her whatever i do and same she also does. We never conceal anything. Respect the elders and understand their feelings and to a great extent talk to them and clear their doubts and insecurity. Finally that is the driving factor.

    cheers
    vidhya:thumbsup
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Have you and your DIL ever shared a house, like sharing a kitchen, drawing room, dining room? If so, for how long?

    A lot of the problems posted here are a result of living with in-laws.

    Rihana
     
  9. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Oldgold mam,

    You said "Adults, normally have responsibilities towards their own children and towards there elderly parents. Two individuals bound together by marriage have to shoulder these responsibilities together and should not ignore them".
    You are true that it is the responsibility of children to look after their parents.But why this applies to only boys??Girls parents..aren't they need help when they grow old.Are women heart made up of stone that the day they get married they should forget about their parents.Girls parents don't become kids in their old age?Has God given different heart and brain to women?All i want to say is why is this one sided in Indian culture.Isn't this hypocrisy?
    Have you seen any girl who can help her parents in any sort financially,morally without any tension created by in laws and husband?
    Forget about helping.....even if we come back to India for a short visit to India ...Our in laws make a scene whenever it comes to meeting them or spending time with them for some days.If only this was the case then also it was bearable.They treat our parents as they are meant for their service only after they got their daughter married and spent all their money on her education and marriage.Still they are not left alone.Aren't they old also like them?On every occasion they are expected a lot to do.Girl mother has nothing left than shopping for her married daughter and her family for every occasion no matter how old she is.Her father is expected to visit them regularly no matter how far they live.
    And how can we accept these people as our parents?They expect everything from our parents and us but never sacrificed anything for their DIL themselves.
    And on the other side our parents who spent their life for us...still listening harsh words from our in laws and then they love us and ready to do anything for us just for out one smile.Who is great in our view?How can we respect a person who claims he/she love us but insult our parents?
    If our parents don't do their service...they create problem for us by not letting us go to their home.Do these selfish people deserve our love and care?They expect us taking care of them because they are old(yet capable and healthy) and don't show the basic humanity to people who are same as their age or even older than them.
    Please pardon me ...i am saying all this in general and not intended to you or your family.You seem like an educated and mature women.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2009
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree 100%.

    Rihana
     

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