Overwhelming Socialization In The Community ... Please Give Me Advise

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Nov 7, 2024.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I seriously need help on this issue.

    I am in a group in my community who are mothers to kids of the same age group as mine and so all 8 to 10 families are added. Once in a while get together etc. is fine..

    Now separate men group and separate ladies group have started..

    And all of these people are extreme extroverts, they socialize every weekend am not kidding!!

    We just met last weekend and today they messaged in the group another place to go for the weekend!

    Already ladies alone go out a lot and men alone and now group and every weekend ...it’s draining for me as an ambivert/introvert..

    Seriously people should u seats d not everyone is cut out for socialization...I already refused few times and indirectly let them know am not interested in parties that way..

    every week is a nightmare for me and it creates anxiety and heart palpitations. I loathe it!!

    Yes people are gonna say they are being nice and inviting but I don’t want this social group dynamics and that too every weekend!

    Things are worse as they are in the same community and kids same class..

    Anyways I can’t see myself doing this for more number of years..

    the men seemed to get it! They actually formed a subgroup and only four men are there now who wants to party


    Ladies absolutely don’t understand! Myself and another lady but lucky her ..she is too homely and they automatically decided she might not socialize but I want them to just let me go


    I don’t want to ruffle any feathers as they r in the same community and shouldn’t affect my kid..

    How to handle?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 7, 2024
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  2. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    :roflmao:

    you somehow seem to get into unique troubles. first work and now this.
     
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  3. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Yeah maybe but can u help?

    I need some suggestions
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    On a serious note..my suggestion to people is create a watsapp group separately for socialization.Then in the general group ask people if they are interested then they can join the socializing group.

    This is better than blindly adding everyone in the group..if it’s like 100 ladies then it won’t be obvious.. when the group is small,it’s so obvious when one person doesn’t wanna go..
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2024
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  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    This is a Good idea.
    Tell them that
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    First some unsolicited advice - consider this version of your quandary:

    I’m feeling overwhelmed by frequent social events in my community, where most people are extroverts. As an ambivert/introvert, the constant invitations cause me anxiety. I’ve tactfully declined a few times but still feel pressured to attend as all the plans happen in the main group. The men who like to party often formed a smaller subgroup, but the women don’t understand my pace of socialization. I’m looking for advice on how to handle this without causing conflict or affecting my child's social or school life.

    This wording avoid judgments like "these people are extreme extroverts,", "they socialize every weekend, no kidding", "the ladies absolutely don’t understand", "she’s too homely,” and some seeming overstatements like nightmares, heart palpitations, loathe it.

    I learned it the very hard way that I often speak without a filter, and my words come back to bite me. I now try to keep judgements out of my talk, even in the most informal or private setting. Just shortening my sentences goes a long way in softening the overall effect. You might end up discussing the group's dynamics with one or more of the women, and unwittingly some judgements will pop out if you are not careful. My biggest mistake was to let down my guard and speak informally when talking with 1 or 2 of the group who seemed different than the others.

    I know you don't mean to judge those women at all, but our thoughts and feelings tend to show up in our body language and facial expressions like subtitles even if we don't voice them.

    OK - done with random ramble. : )
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The method suggested below may not align with your organic approach to forming and managing friendships, but here it is:

    Back in my day, women joining a new company were advised to prove themselves first by making valuable contributions, then ask for accommodations like WFH or flexible hours. Using this strategy, if I were you, I’d attend events regularly, participate genuinely, and become a valuable member. After that, I’d gradually reduce my attendance and strategically increase it around festive times. Have a good reusable excuse to skip events such as an online class you attend with an instructor based in India.

    You’d need to stick with this method for just another 1-2 years. Once your child is in 7th or 8th grade, their social life will no longer be tied to yours, allowing you to detach more easily from such community groups. In fact, in the intense high school years, I'd suggest actively avoiding community moms. : )

    I’ve seen this strategy work firsthand in many local groups. Women actively participate for 2-3 months, then disappear, only to resurface when fun events are planned. No one scolds them; they get multiple warm welcome back messages. Such patterns of participation are also useful in FB groups and online forums too, where less frequent posters often stand out more than daily attendance ones. : )
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2024
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Very valid suggestion. And quite easy to implement with the WhatsApp "communities" feature. For example, for my local area we have a WhatsApp Community called "Parkview", and in that we have regular WhatsApp groups named "Parkview all streets", "Parkview - Johnson elementary", Parkview - Desi moms", "Neighborhood Night out 2024", "Garage Sale 10/25" and so on. Some groups get archived after the event. The groups under a Community all show up like bullet points.

    In your neighborhood's case, there'd be one Community, and under that "Main group", "All men", "Partying men", "All women", "11/9 party", ...

    Done. : ) I will go sort my closet. : ) That thread has been nagging me in my head since I read it. : )
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @anika987

    You’re not alone in feeling this way. I also find frequent gatherings a bit overwhelming—especially when you’re perfectly happy in the comfort of your own space.

    Not everyone will understand, and it’s completely okay if you’re not comfortable joining in. They shouldn’t label you as “too homely,” and even if they do, it’s best not to let it bother you.

    Consider connecting with one or two approachable people in the group and asking them to update you on any key decisions made in your absence. That way, you can stay informed without having to attend every informal gathering.

    If I were in your shoes, I’d try to attend the most important gatherings now and then to make my presence known. I’d make an effort to stand out in some way so that people remember me, but I’d also make it clear that my attendance is selective. That way, they’ll understand if you decide not to attend every time.
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks for understanding .As u mentioned I go for all pooja as a family and infact also get some food I made from
    Home.I wish I can learn better to No and as u said make my attendance selective
     

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