Overstimulated Tired And Mentally Worn Out

Hello Laides
I dont know where to start , I am so exhausted mentally and phsically with my situation , its been building up since pandeminc and I feel I have reached to a breaking point where I dont even feel like trying to make things work with my husband
To give a backstory
I am almost 40 yrs , I have a 2 kids , elder one is 10 younger one is almost 2. I delayed having a 2nd child becuase I wasnt mentally or financially ready , and we planned for a 2nd one later , I have no regrets of having a 2nd child , but ever since he came alsog , I feel my dynamics with my husband and inlaws have changed , or rather I am done taking their crap!!!. My inlaws were never very great to me , esp my mil is a typical mil , over possesive , jealous , narcissistic , and always find ways to give subtle taunts , she is selfish and always puts herself and her needs first , she doesnt even care about her own son or his family , she has been this way always , my fil is just a quiet spectator , I just know that now there is no point expecting her to change . I workfull time and manage kids and hoseold chores , Husband pitches in but he does it as and when its convinient to him .
The porblem is now as I am raising a toldler its getting really difficult for me to manage alone , if I ask help from husband he says he is busy with work and procastinates, I feel few days am drowning with the amount of things that I have to do , my ils are so useless and lazy , they can see kitchen is a mess , or things are lying around but they wont lift a finger , they will come to dining table eat dinner , not bother to even clean up , if I say something then my husband will immediately jump in and tell me its ok I will do it , but I will come to living room after putting my son to sleep and see hubby is nicely watching tv and having his dinner and house looks like its hit with tornado , I will get pissed and tell him to clean up , this will lead to big argument , my ils are in the other room hearing everything but not once they will come out or offer to help , infact I know they are very happy esp my mil when we fight , she gets some sadistic pleasure when she knows my husband is angry with me , or if we or not getting along.
Similarly she is so selfish that she deprives my kids as well , she will have my fil cut fruits and bring it straight to her room , not a piece of it she will share or give to my kids , but if I cut a furit or make snack for my todler or my older kid she wants share of it , infact she will shamelessly ask . I have hired a cook and a maid to help me during the day , the cook will cook in the morning and my maid helps me to take care of things during the day they leave by 6 pm and house in order by then but from the time they leave till 11 pm in the night I dont know how my ils manage to ruin the kitchen and on weekend my maid is on leave , i feel like I am only working in the house , there is no down time for me
To top it , my Sil visited us with her kids and husband for vaccation , it was a night mare for me , my sil would just run off leaving her 2 kids , imagine me working form home managing my older kid , my tolder and her kids . To top it , my mil decided to get her knee replacement surgery done , mind it she is not having that much pain , she is over weight , as she just eats and sits in her room all day , she has no issues going to all kities , family function trips , outings , there not once she will complain of painm ,but my sil insisted her to get her surgery done during her visit so that she "can take care of her" , which was absolute crap as she left 2 days post her surgery , leaving me incharge of her care post surgery and this was in middle of my son exams. I took care of her meds , diets , post operation care for 2 weeks as I would have done the same if it was my mom , but in turn there is no gratdude , infact she was acting entitled , making demands for food to be cooked certain way, not healthy way , she wants sabzi to be crisped , nuts to be salted , panner to be spices and added , like i am a chef and she is ordering hotel food , I would give her food in her room ,give her meds , clean her room all of it i did , but not once they felt like pitching in or helping me , alteast my fil can watch my todler when am attending to her , he would just sit on couch watch tv , and my toddler would be unattended , as that time my maid was also not hired . Few weeks later my parents visited and my mom fell sick to the point that she was admitted in hospital , I had to stay with her for 2 days in hospital , to that once I came back my fil did not even bother to ask my mom how she is doing , my mil taunted me how you can leave your younger kid like that a and stay in hospital ,when my husband was taking care of the lil one . Plus my ils behavioir and my husbands behavior with my parents was so bad , my dad and and mom are well educated and independent people , they dont take nonsense from any one , for my sake they had to adjust and stay quiet , I had shared few of my issues with my parents but they never thought that my ils were this pathetic , it was a shock to them as well to see this behavior . My ils acted so cheap , they were hididng eatables like snacks in their room so that my parents would not eat, purposely they will eat lunch and not even invite them to the table , or if my parents are eating my mill will annoucne why the rice got over , it wont be enough , we did not have much , who is eating so much , at one point my maid had prepared rotis , my mil took all of it in her room saying she gets hungry later in the day , so I had to make it again as there was no food left for my kids myself and and my parents. Its so pathetic and disgusting.
While my mom was unwell my mil wihtout consulting me invited her brothers to visit and expected me to entertain them , when I said how will we manage as I need to work take care of my mom n kids and you she is acted all pissed as if I am being mean to her ,She is like "what are you doing?" anyways cook will cook and go and maid is there so you are not needed, I am the one paying their salaries but they dictate terms as if they own them ,I have hired them to help me , but they use them for their services . Even MY maids are fed up , my cook keeps complaining that she is getting overburdened and threantening to quit Also mind it my ils stay in a house that me and my husband have bought jointly, my ils have done zero investment in this house , they have their own place in the same city that we live in but they only go there when they have some work or when they need some down time away from my kids or when my mil has her kitties. when my son was small they never came to help me, But the expectation is I have to be at their beck and call . My sil have never stayed with her mil even for a day , or done any thing for her , but expectation is dil shoul be a servant .
After all this I have had enough , my sons holidays have started and I flew to my moms place as I need to getaway I needed few days of dowm time. I asked my husband to come and pick me up once its time for the school to reopen , but I feel my older sons vacation is now ruined as he is uprooted from the comfort of his home , he misses his firends and gets bored here even though I have tired to engage him in activities and books. We cant even plan any hoildays as My mil gets super jealous , she wants to join us ,n keeps is hinting that she will join us . I dont want to go on avacation with her , its no point going on a hoilday with her.
I feel my marriage is non existent , Only conversation I have is about bills , chores , zero intimacy as I dont feel interested, as he behaves so badly with me esp when my mil is around he wll yell and speak rudely to me , I feel used .I dont feel like we are a team . I dont know how to build on my marriage any more , I dont see how things will get better , Husband wants to sleep in my sons room , as my toddler keeps waking up,so husband doesnt want to get disturbed , He is asking my older son to sleep with my toddler and me , My husband on many occasion intiated interest to get intimate ,he expects me to spend time in one room and then go to sleep next to the kids as if I am some one to service him , this makes me so mad , the thought of him touching him makes me irritated , dont feel sexually attracted to him , I feel cheap and used , because in my mind , marriage is a partnership I dont feel valued , he yells at me , never shows any interest in kids activity , never ptiches in any of the kids duties , everything has to be delegated , and told , he will not spend any thing for the kids , but when his sils kids come he will paln outings , take care of booking , so I feel we are of no value to him . I am so pissed at my husband right now , My ils are useless but my husband is also behaving like this . Kids fees, maids salary , kids extrcurricular activity , lil ones food plan , yonger ones activity, toys , play time , baby needs items , even lil ones diapers , crib , all things I have bought , he never feels like buying anything for the kids , even now when I want to take kids for holidays he is asking me to book tickets plan itenary and pack and plan travel he will just show up it seems and stay for only vacation days and go back as he doesnt want to leave his mom alone and doesnt want to stay with my parents. place .

I am so pissed , I feel burned out and exhausted , I dont even have the mental strength to try to fix things , I am jsut done .....

What can I do get my mental peace back , its making me very depressed , I see no light at the end of the tunnel , I feel doomed to live a life of adjustments , I dont think my toxic inlaws or husband will ever change. This is impacting my productivity at work and in being a present mom , I dont enjoy things I used to any more , even the kid activities which I was engaged at doing feels like chores now . I feel bad for my kids , as I have grown up in a envrionment where my mom n dad had equal partnership even to this day they do all chores to gether and are a team I wanted that kind of life partner but sadly all my efforts or care and concern and love I have shown is never been valued by my husband , he has always undermined me and now I have reached to a point that I dont think I can ever forgive him or move past all the hurful things he as done.
sorry for the long post , I had the write how I feel as I dont have any other outlet

 

I dont think he wil ever change , I have never met a human in my life who is so egoistical and lack empathy , he does what he likes and never stops to think why or what the other person feels , its his upbringing , his sister is also of the same nature , so is his mom , the three think they are entitled bunch and who worl revolves around them

 

I have explained to him manytimes , but he feels Its not a big deal , he doenst understand the amount of stress and depression I have , according to him its not that big deal , I dont do much , cook cooks and maid helps so why are you whining it seems, My calls and work is not a priority but my salary is , all my work calls are always disturbed , kids yelling , ppl talking mil interupting ,they have no respect for my work , they feel I am doing timepass , infact if I get aprreciated or awared for work I feel they get jealous as there is no reaction.
Thats why I packed my backs and flew to my parents place , my work was getting effected , I was actually recently aprreciated for work and recieved an award at work , when I shared it whith my husband there was no reaction , or rather a shrug , he never told any one I was apreciated at work , but be it him or his sis who would have got awareded it would be punlished in entire family but my achievements or accomplishments are never appreciated, so I felt really bad , he was not this bad , but lately he is been very distant , dono whats going on in his mind, he is always irritated and angry , and expects me to be perfect wife, partly could be that there is no intimacy between us , its been very long ,I am not going to unless I feel ok with him , his dad is a mere pupet at my mils hads , he has no relation ship with my dh , they never have conversation or bonding , their idea of quality time is watching tv , fils day just encompases of watching tv , taking cat naps on the couch , serving my mil , she will kepp calling him for giving this , that , she wont get up and take it herself under the pretext of having her surgery whcih was 2 month ago , and doc has given clearance to do all her work
Sil is another ideal wiitch , she is very smart , she left her kids saying her husband will be here to help , but he did no do anything to help , her kids would just walk in wake my sleeping kid, run aroun make a mess, shout cry , keep asking form things , and he would just direct them to me , so its just for name sake , whole burden was on me to manage them , I had to be on my toes as they kids were around my lil one and I was scared to leave them unsupervised.
The enitre familyi s oversmart they very nicely manupilate the situation and somehow I end up with doing all the work . But as you mentioned I am going to develop a thick skin now and not bother about any one except my kids .I have to ensure they have a good childhood
I live in a different city from my parents hence cannot go and stay there for long , At my place ufortunately I dont know much ppl and not have many firends ,infact post marriage I dont have any one I can socialize with , I dont feel like going out and talking to anyone , and being wfh since pandemic there are days when I dont even get time to step out of the house . I need to make changes to ensure my sanity is maintained , because my unhappiness is now hovering on my kids , that is very unfair to them