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Overintrusive Relative

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sapna56, Nov 3, 2016.

  1. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    I have relative who is also my neighbor. She can get along with any kind of people very easily. I had neighbour who was very closed to me. I then introduced her with my relative. They then became very strong friends leaving me apart. I am little reserved kind of a person and friendships and relationships have not gone very well in my life so far. Whoever I have made friends just used me n left me alone.
    My sil is staying with us and my in laws too came here in USA to stay with us. Within no time that relative became so friendly with them too. Me n my sil are not in good terms with each other. N that relative was blaming me for that. I explained it to her regarding sil. The relative then told evrything to my sil whatever I said. Because of this my sil became very angry on me. Now these relatives are trying to show off their helpful and great personalities by calling my sil to stay with them for couple of days. They are being kind of over intrusive in our family matters.
    I understand that I shud have not called and told my sil situation.
    I personally don't like this couple coz of their over intrusive behavior. Whoever we know they just snatch those people from us and make us bad in front of them.
    And also that relative will not be friendly to me n will not talk properly whenever we meet. I don't know what it is. Is it jealousy or something I don't know. I don't understand how to handle this couple. They are part of most the group of friends whom we do potlucks and get togethers. And also they are trying to become god fathers for my in laws and sil. SIL is unmarried depressed and jobless.
     
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  2. dnormx01

    dnormx01 Gold IL'ite

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    If they are inviting your SIL to stay with them, guess it's a good thing. Let her go, she will have a change in place, might help her mental health and will give you sometime to clear things at your place and live at peace for a while.

    If you are thinking they are going to poison her mind against you, whether she goes there or not, they're anyway doing it.

    Let them take care of her for a few days while you chill.
     
  3. Lakshmi6197

    Lakshmi6197 Gold IL'ite

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    My personal experience is that I should not talk to relatives about other relatives whom they know. Same with friends. If I find someone to be intrusive or deliberately rude, I simply try to keep away from them. That is the only thing that has worked in life consistently. If you want to vent, do it with someone who doesnt know the person you are venting about. In general venting and explaining backfires. What is wrong with your SIL has more to do with her trying to come to terms with the circumstances of her life, albeit unsuccessfuly. Added to the fact that she lives with you. If a relative blames you for your strained relationship with another closer relative openly - then state your contribution to the relationship. Then ask where you are wrong. Next ask them for a solution to make it better. Most people just talk to poke and create further issues. They dont have any solution. Be very guarded with such people in the future - this is the trailer to the movie called them. If asked indirectly - feign that you did not understand the question. Unless they ask in as many words, never reply to these kind of questions.

    ILs have a greater bonding with each other. The DIL invariably becomes a scapegoat in their manipulations. Learn your lesson and try not to mix friendships with IL relationships. Unless an IL has proved to be a friend, treat them only as ILs. Thats my experience and understanding.
     
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  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't discuss your relationship with anyone. Stop justifying yourself. Do what is right and ignore the rest. Be polite and warm. people can judge for themselves. If they can't, you will do well yo stay away from them and lead your life indifferent to them. Do what suits you. Push back what you can't do. Prioritise yourself, your husband and child. Let the rest be in awe or burn with jealousy. not your problem either way.
     
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  5. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    If they invite your SIL and if she wants to go, you have no control over this situation. There is no point worrying over something you cannot control. You discussed your SIL with her and whats done is done. Do not introduce any new friends of yours to her.
    What you can do is distance yourself from this relative/neighbour. If she talks to you, asks you about your family, do not respond or react. When someone asks deliberately about personal matters, it is not mandatory to give an answer all the time. Turn deaf ears to what she says. Be calm and silent. Keep yourself busy and make excuses when she asks to meet up. Unless you make her realise that you are not ok with her behaviour, she will always take you for granted.

    You can be present in the same group and continue ignoring her. Like it or not, be nice to your SIL. Treat her like how you will treat any unknown person. Beyond that she is not your responsibility.
     
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  6. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi guys
    I started talking and taking sil out. Felt good. Now tomorrow she will be going to stay at that overintrusive relatives place. I feel like she shouldn't go coz m damn sure they would gossip about me and she would again be negative about me. I am also scared that they will all together try to bully me when my in laws are also here in USA. I don't like that relative at all. Fell like she should go away from us and don't see their faces ever.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    If you have no relationship problems with others, then we can blindly blame your "relative" for the mess she has created according to your post. But your posts says that you have problems with keeping up the relationships; thus no relationship has gone great in your life so far.
    This shows that you have some problem within yourself to be addressed.
    Perhaps, that's one of the reasons why you are distanced from your neighbor and SIL, and from this relative too.
    Now, adding fuel to the fire, you have shared your frustration about your SIL to this relative, and this got backfired.

    My advice is... If you are not great at keeping relationship, work for that.
    Don't share your personal problems with others who know your family. If you feel like venting, come here to vent.
    Don't try to justify yourself or ask for forgiveness. Leave it, and let it pass.
     
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  8. Lakshmi6197

    Lakshmi6197 Gold IL'ite

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    @Sapna56 some problems take time to get resolved. your problem with SIL is like that only. it will get solved with time. be polite to you nosey relative (NR) but keep away from her. if your friends group is large, you can give NR a slip after saying hello, how are you. it is good that your SIL is responding to your offer of friendship. try to have a pleasant relationship with her. you cannot control where SIL goes. please stop worrying about it. i know you would be, but there isnt much use doing it. i dont know anything about your ILs so would refrain from commenting on it. but if your SIL is sensible and and wants a pleasant relationship with you being generally friendly, things should work out in the long run. thats my opinion.
     
  9. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    when they have blamed you for your SIL situation, you should have told them to stay away from your family matters, instead of explaining them.
    If they want to be god father to your SIL and inlaws and want to host them, let them do it. people true colors come out very soon. they can not snatch your inlaws and sil from you, and if they do whats better than that :D...
    whenever you meet them in get togethers, just exchange formal and polite conversations with them, you dont have any need to be over friendly with them.
     
  10. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    its the wish of many people that some of their relative go away and they dont have to see their faces again :sweatsmile:....but it doesnt happen, and if one goes, some other of same kind arrive, so better to learn to handle these kind of people.
     
    madras2018 likes this.

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