Over Critical Parenting

@prettywoman2,

It is extremely important to have a two-way communication with your daughter. It is not fair to expect her to keep following with the parents. She is still a child, it is the parents who needs to find out her passions, encourage her to perform well in those passions, and in the process encourage two way communication. First of all, it is important for both of you to sit down with her and listen before you communicate anything to her, leave alone expecting her to follow up on things.

Setting any expectations based on what we believe as a standard is unreasonable. Your husband might have certain interest and your daughter may choose something else. Her credentials and academic performance proves otherwise. Some words of appreciation and encouragement takes your daughter a long way. The best way to encourage her is to find what she feels as a passion naturally and nurture her to develop it. Each one of them have come with their own agenda and they are born through the parents. When we as a parent never should compromise on values, expecting a child to be extraordinary in a space where one of the parents exceled is unreasonable.

Create an environment of love and provide unlimited access to your daughter to reach her parents without any fear of being criticized. When one of the parents criticize her for not having a flair for something, he is encouraging her to withdraw her communication with that parent. We as a parent has a lot of responsibility towards the children in their spiritual, psychological, emotional and intellectual needs. Focusing on one aspect of academic brilliance is simply wrong.

Kindly sit down with her and understand her thoughts and why she is not taking initiatives. Is it because your husband is too critical and her emotion reaction is too high or she is just not interested. She has not even reached the advancement placement courses as yet and her brain is under development at this stage. Moreover, when we emphasize so much on academic brilliance despite her performing well in the school, we are conveying a wrong message that only academic performance matters in life. What about life skills?

You can have a discussion among the parents and decide 4-5 important things you can't compromise and find out through informal communication with your daughter what all are her interest? Unless you meet her expectations, you can't expect her to meet your expectations.
A child still have emotions even though she is obedient and not reactive. What is stored inside affects the life in the long run. A combination of love and discipline are essential to balance her life.

Kindly read the attached article written by me.

Roles Of The Parents And The Teachers

 

I am replying as mother of high schoolers with high stats.
Academic discipline is important.
But every child has their own capacity for the rigor even if they have higher intelligence.They will always need the push but there own pace cannot be outdone.
If the end goal of all pursuance is getting them into good college,the best you can do is shape your child and save tons of $$$.
Nothing will work better.
All the best!

 

Here are my suggestions:

1) Have a healthy discussion over several weeks as to what are her likes and dislikes not only in the area of academic but also in other fields such as dancing, singing, Karate, playing a physical game, swimming, etc. If you feel something that is easily doable with access nearby, you should immediately make it available to her.

2) Involve her closely in domestic responsibilities such as washing dishes, clothes, cleaning her room, etc. This will distract some of her time from social media without her realizing it. You should never share that intent as her peers may enjoy different screen time and access. I would suggest the same even if you have a boy.

3) Collect a series of article on parenting and equip yourself with that knowledge before you engage in a discussion with your husband. This is important for staying together in parenting than showing individual parenting skills. He might be doing a part-time parenting and he would understand the responsibility of full-time parenting only when you share what it takes to raise a child. Mostly, the parents use the techniques used by their parents which may or may not work in the present environment.

4) Engage with other parents in your social circle or even through interaction in parent-teacher meeting and find out what other activities including advance courses the children are engaging. This might make a match with what her peers are doing.

5) Communicating with her is key to her success. She should have a freedom to express her views freely to her parents failing which she would pull out and keep things to herself. It will set up a difficult situation in her upbringing. Even if some of her thoughts were upseting, please don't react. Slowly engage in a health discussion and ask her questions. Your husband by blaming her for not following up, closed her channel of communication with her dad.

6) Take her with you for a service activity that involves some community work. That will help her understand the sufferings of people in the community and bring some great level of gratitute for what she already has. This has worked like a dream for many children in our community.

7) Most importantly, the children are extraordinary good in dividing and ruling the household meaning using the divide between the parents to their advantage. Always be together with your husband in parenting. Don't even accidently tell her that her dad is wrong that would give her the loophole. But there is nothing wrong in stating that you are working with your husband on how to help her in her academics for future.

8) This is the right age to discuss moral values and what is expected out of her to be a good person in the community. As you said she is already well-behaved, discuss this topic politely with her with a smile in your face. Reassure her that many of what you are saying might be known to her already. If you ever teach some Slokas or any religious recitations, always mention the reason for that recitation with meaning of such recitation. This makes the child understand the purpose.

9) Never interrupt when she is having a free flow of conversation. Just listen even if it takes time. The children will shut up once you express a negative view on anything they were about to say. You make a note of it and bring it up at the end of the conversation where you have a different view. Never say her thoughts are wrong but you have a different view on the subject.

10) Many of what you say and do are closely watched by her at this impressionable age. Those impressions have a big impact throughout her life. She will even use it to raise her own children in future. If you make a mistake, express it clearly. You can always say you should have said or done differently. This will develop a good habit to regret her bad thoughts and actions.

Note: I have also raised only one child and until his age of 13, I was traveling internationally so much leaving my wife to do the parenting. She took him to Karate classes, Piano Classes, Tennis lessons, Etiquette classes, Basic financial lessons for children and so on. I did little during this phase. I have participating in parenting only at a late stage of my life. Some of them I have used while parenting and others I learned as a lesson after I had made a mistake in parenting.