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Orthodox MIL please help me

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pranavi1987, Jul 7, 2015.

  1. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Friends, Let me share my story here. I am a very liberal and sometimes traditional girl working in USA. my husband is sweet person I have absolutely no issues with him. we got married for couple of years back and we dont have kids. my MIL is very very orthodox, initially I was okay for that because I thought they are a generation ahead of us, their MILs would have forced them to do so. Sad part is I miscarried my baby late ,I was so thankful for them, she came to help me( I was so thankful for her initially because she took an extra step to come here and help me). Don’t ask the question “Why didn’t your mother come?”
    USA is heaven on the earth, its first time for both sides of parents, inlaws want to see this heaven because “Mother of boy” they took lot of pain to send him here. My parents didn’t take any pain to send me here, I got my VISA just like that because they are “parents of a girl”.sometimes I laugh inside had my mother would have come here first time MIL wouldn’t have slept for her six months.
    Problems started after few days, I delivered my preemie baby very late and I had to go through the process of labour completely. You can assume my pain here, my harmonal changes, post partum and losing a child at delivery as preemie which was completely unexpected huge shock to us. Slowly I have accepted fate which we can’t change.

    For few days I was working from home, she used to cook afternoon lunch for me(with all food restrictions after delivery) , (normal food for my husband and FIL) .I thought she was taking good care of me this was for very few days 10-15 days after my delivery. then slowly she started her tantrums I took rest for 20 days and started going to work. After coming from work I had to clean vessels help her to make dinner( I am very happy to do as this is my responsibility though I was physically weak). one day I asked my husband to take dishes from dish washer as I was suffering from severe back pain she yelled at me , if you want help you should ask me not your husband I told my back ache is severe so I asked him to remove vessels from dishwasher she said "He is boy" you cant ask him to do house work. I was calm. My husband helps me a lot in day to day activities.

    I used to get up cook for myself in morning and pack lunch, she used to ask son and husband what dishes they want to eat that day(My husband used to feel guilty all the time as I was sick and with food restrictions and he doesn’t felt like eating good food) and she used to cook in afternoon and say my son like this like that I am happy they are eating what they like as I am not a foodie. One day she prepared savories for which I was helping her standing in kitchen whole day she says “My son” love this( I feel like crying Is this time to celebrate?, I am not saying we should not “move on” but it is not even 15 days she should step into my shoes and think How on earth I will have interest to make special sweets/savouries in this situation).Daily after I come from office I used to make dinner( sometimes she made I do every thing rice/roti cut veggies she would just switch on cooker) and then do dish washer and laundry for everyone. I am okay doing all this, if I am tired and sit for a while at night she used to yell go and fold your clothes. Friends I felt atleast she should think the situation I am in, this is the time where I need moral support. sometimes I used to say I will fold it tomorrow then she says this is our "family rules" you have to follow. my husband poor guy used to help me without his mother seeing.

    If it is weekend I want to cry friday night, she used to say this weekend its rest time for her( she is tired cooking lunch for her son and husband afternoon, making tea for husband evening because I will be in office at that time. Weekends I make tea). She says “I won’t enter kitchen”, I have to get up early in morning make coffee/breakfast/lunch and dishwasher and she never allowed me to take nap afternoon as she says it is not good for health strech marks will never go away , I used to feel horrible with backache/mental agony and then from 2 pm she used to tell to make roti dough/idli batter them make sambar/chutney/laundry I used to feel like servant maid. I am okay doing all this but she says its "your duty" I used to feel bad( I used to feel after shift is over for a hotel cook they will hand over shift to others every Friday night I used to feel this). she used to feel she is working too much as she is preparing dishes her son whatever he like for lunch.

    During periods it was a hell for me, I didnt menustrate for 3 months because of late miscarriage, she enquires me daily did you did you ? before my FIL and husband. I had some pains in my ***** , she used to ask my FIL for suggestions which embrassed me a lot, first of all I never asked her help Doctor told all pains go away after a while .At last I menustrated ,she shouted on top of roof whole apartment complex can hear all her orthodox rules wash your clothes/tiffin do head bath now at night 9 /10PM dont touch this/that. after 8 PM/9PM do headbath and cook for them( that was my working day in office too) I dont know how they eat if I cook ?doesnt that food become impure?. on my 4th day she hit bed room doors hard at 5 am on weekend its late to get up do bath/go and throw trash( all become impure) I want to sleep for some more time, she says its sin if sun rises and you dont take bath with cold water. if she is not here in USA, she shouts before my FIL/husband/other male members of family did I get my period on skype which makes me embrassed?

    Daily I have to broom kitchen floor early in morning and balconies in USA,follow aacharam( if we touch rice/cooker vigil/cooker lid) we cant touch other items, take bath and lit deepam( which I usually do, if its late to office I wont its sin for her), offer prasadam then eat and then prepare breakfast( I m okay to do all the things if she is a bit affectionate). she loves her husband and sons but never see affection on me according to her girl should be slaves to boys. she says everything "Our tradition" , you are "Our girl", those may be true her "Our" means that should come from her MIL. But all come from her mouth only , she never ask/care her MIL. if she gets any doubt she makes her decision on her own never ever ask her MIL why should I?. one day she picked up a big fight with me I didnt clean bathroom, I told i can’t i am suffering from multiple pains in body I can’t bend and do now. she said its "Our tradition" to be neat.

    Coming to food habits obviously different for two families, she would expect that I should ask her everything and cook, i started doing that, if she doesnt like taste she throws away food before me in dustbin. I eat even though I dont like food she prepared because I dont want them to feel bad. I am not saying I am great cook atleast for my sake she would have ate :( . one day she shouted I gave some old chutney to husband, she shouted we are women we are slaves to them, we should eat yesterday left over food and make hot food for husband. I didnt say any thing.
    she always says she is "MOTHER OF BOY" I understand she took lot of pain to bring them up , but even mother of girl took same pain, she feel girls came from air just like that, we studied so much ,even our parents took so much pain to bring us up. I want my husband to be happy with them, I dont have any insecurites about our relationship, I know my husband loves me truly and I enjoy his love. she is so insecured . I dont know when these MIL understand, "Love for mother" and "Love for wife" are different you cant compare or constantly feel insecure that he might love wife much more than mother.

    I was vexed for their whole period of stay, she never care her in laws(no one told me this my observation), they never even visit her/even she never visit them. I am good with her inlaws/extended family. they are good to me I am good to them, she is constantly scared that they would bad mouth to me about her and she would bad mouth about them to me. They all talk to me nicely and never said any single thing "bad" about her in her absence, neither I, infact we never spoke about anything ill about her.we talk generally about temples movies blah blah all general topics. I dont know what is her insecurity about.
    She picked up a fight over phone in my pregnancy regarding some unwanted things, I broke out and after that I lost my baby, I forgive them for that. It was my mistake I wouldn’t have taken stress happened is happened, when someone is in pain you should lend your hand not hurt them more. This is what I felt please suggest me how to handle her trantrums? I don’t know whether she came to help me or teach me traditions in this time.
     
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  2. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    So sorry for your loss dear. It's unfortunate that this happened. Just focus on getting better both physically and mentally. don't worry about your in-laws. Hope you feel better. Take care
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very painful process. You did not loose your baby because of stress (does not cause misscarriage) but there was some medical reason behind it. Either something wrong with the baby or for example your placenta did not work properly. You can discuss this with your gyn and they may be able to give some information. Please also check that you are fit to work and take sick leave if needed. You may also want to get some counseling if you feel the need for it.

    Good thing that you have a good relationship with your husband. And good thing you live in the US with its visa restrictions (6 months for visitors) :p. Distance yourself from your MIL and try to exclude her from your mind.
     
  4. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Crayo ness. yesterday doctor did check and they didnt find any issues and they just put me as "Unknown cause"
     
  5. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Pranavi..

    Tears in my eyes as I read your post. I am so sorry about your loss.

    Can you talk to your husband about what you are going through? He has to support you. Most Indian men in US can cook...ask him to stand up for you. There is no way around this.

    If she gives you any lecture on your "duty"...tell her in a nice way, "you are right aunty, I am not able to manage both work and home due to my health..hence I am thinking about quitting my job"....seriously..how much do women have to give? I am so sorry to say this, most Indian men would die a virgin if it weren't for arranged marriages...and Indian women are much much more beautiful than the men...we give them everything..now we are working as well...they cannot take all this for granted
     
    sindmani, vnkarthee and yellowmango like this.
  6. pranavi1987

    pranavi1987 Gold IL'ite

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    Correct Jasmine I agree with you. My husband helps a lot when they are not around. Even if they are around he helps with out her notice, if she see that he is helping me she starts yelling. According to her Boys are working hard as they going to office. They should come home and watch TV. she almost cries " We treated our sons like gods they never worked hard in their life always we worked hard for them now they are working very hard". Its a cycle now he has to take your role tomorrow we do that our kids why dont they understand that, even girl was brought up like princess before marriage, But things change a lot for her too after marriage. If you do not want your sons to work hard( work hard means getting groceries/taking responsibilities). if MIL wants sons to be free always better do not get them married and you serve them all their life till they get 60 years old . Taking wife to doctor when she is sick, pick up/drop, buying veggies from shop, doing all this additional to office work is working hard according to her.
     
  7. ramyav_cse

    ramyav_cse Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry about ur loss Pranavi. When I read this my immediate thought is does she not like you to work? Is it her secret way of making you quit ur job?
     
  8. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    :(

    sigh...when I hear this, i tell myself in 15 years that generation will be gone..I know, that is a horrible way to think..but we really cannot fight with them and win..even if we fight, the husband will be caught in between

    I think your hubby does not want to fight with your mom so he is keeping off the radar. Makes sense.

    I am curious to see what suggestions other ladies out here have for you. Cause the only thing I would do in your situation is threaten to quit my job citing my health. Not that I will quit but just throw that in there to see her response. Or I will fall "sick" or I will sign up projects that will squeeze the life out of me

    Hang in there..hope we have some better suggestions coming up.
     
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    OP,
    I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and you cannot even process your grief in peace.
    Your husband has to stand up to his mother. Is he still six years old? What is he so afraid of? How can he just watch you slog like this after a late miscarriage?
    As for the posters suggesting OP give up her job, it might be best for her to retain her financial independence with such in-laws. She might have to listen to comments about how she is wasting her DH's money, if she has no job of her own.
     
  10. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    No No...I am not suggesting OP to give up her job..

    I am just asking her to throw a hint to her MIL...kinda like a reality check
     

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