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Open Letter From A Mother

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by jayasala42, Jun 17, 2016.

  1. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Cimorene,The best response from a daughter-almost you have answered all the
    Questions ,even the unasked ones making yourself eligible for above centum.The letter shows that you are crystal clear in your views and no longer a confused daughter.You have given a befitting reply almost word by word .No doubt. BUT I fear it may not have answered her fear.anxiety and emotions born out of frailing health.The mother's expression is rather tough and undigestable.But the spirit of the letter,leave alone the words and content-says it all.we don' t need a mirror to see the injury in our arms.Without taking the mom's as well as daughter's letter personally, both reveal the inescapable situation in which both parents and children are placed.No amt of answers and counter answers are capable of solving the issue.The problems have to be seen eye to eye with maturity and correct perception.This is a social menace spreading like wild fire.Open letters are not written with open mind by both mothers and children and this creates no balm,but increases the intensity of wounds .touches the raw nerves and develops more strain in the relationship.Better both understand the practical hurdles .'As you have rightly said'let there be pleasant exchange of.greetings notwith standing suffering.Let there be more thinking before conversing over phone or writing letters especially when both are wounded equally. It may be very difficult for the earlier generation to accept certain things as their thought process is deep rooted in totally different issues.In Tamil there is a proverb'thaayaippola pillai.noolaip pola seai.(the child is the replica of a mother.How can a saree differ from the original thread ) . But as daughters we can copy the good traits of parents and can be successful in creating a better motherhood by our reasoning skills seasoned with our new visions and correct perceptions.Can we try? Jayasala 42
     
  2. Agatha83

    Agatha83 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Jayasala,

    I wonder why threads written by you on similar topics turn out in to super hits, with FBs pouring out from every nook and corner of the world. As such all your threads posted here are of peerless quality but some threads get preferential treatment.
    We give our children wings to fly, by giving them the best education, schools, morals, family values and stand behind them like a solid rock. When they fly out reaching greater heights, we should be happy and proud rather than be despondent and lonely.
    Organizations like Helpage India have come out with contact numbers for any kind of help needed by senior citizens. There are many senior citizens home wher one can live a decent life to some extent, though one cannot enjoy the privileges we get at home. At old age, security and health is of utmost importance, and as long as our needs are taken care of we should be less dependent on our children for our emotional fulfillment .

    Agatha83
     
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  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Basically, there are still too many prejudices about the concept of assisted living or retirement homes even today. Part of the reason is lack of proper information or understanding. Also, we need to have more and more such homes which are well run, provide really good care and are still accessible and affordable for all. It might take a while for everyone to alter their mindset about this subject, but I am quite sure, once they do, they'd find the arrangement perfectly acceptable and possibly even better than leading a life of dependence, friction and bitterness.
     
  4. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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    the ability of an organism to resist emotions that develop in old age with adequate self inculcated anti-emotions and ample psychological support from kith and kin, is the immunity that we ought to develop.

    the fifth sensed are better off than the sixth sensed, not to go through such emotional trauma, be it factual or fictious.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2016
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  5. anupartha

    anupartha Gold IL'ite

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    Precisely..thats the need of the hr. A condition becomes problem only when you look at it in that angle. When we have no concrete solution to this specific problem, say, the children away, parents lonely et al, better learn to live thru it without hurting ourselves/vice versa. Easier said than done, I know. But we shall arrive at it eventually. I dunno where I will be in another 5 years from now. But I train myself to take care of myself first as much as possible. If things go otherwise too, I am mentally 'seasoning' myself to face the situation on my own. Now at this age what seems feasible may be an ordeal later, still I can save a lot of emotional breakdown. I live with my inlaws, both past 80 and I attend to their needs 24/7. But I am pretty sure such service cannot be expected from my son/ DIL..who are away..so no comparison or complaint. For each their own. As some one has mentioned, we must save enough for our life after retirement. Sure it will be a tug of war between the head & heart. Better to go by the head to save our heart.
    Nice reading all the posts.
    Thanks Jayasala.
     
  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    The question we have to ask ourselves in the society for supporting aged parents:

    1) Are old-age homes the right solutions for those aged parents in India who for some reason can't migrate out of India when their children are permanently settled abroad?

    2) Can emotional support be provided through telephonic and Skype conversations with a hope that the adult children could rush to India in case of emergencies?

    3) Can adult children sacrifice their career overseas to move back to India to look after their old-aged parents abandoning their children's opportunity to get the best of education overseas? With reservations, capitation fee, unrecognized educational institutions mushrooming, questionable educators, lack of infrastructure in educational institutions, etc. in India when compared to domicile scholarship, performance-driven scholarship, excellent educational institutions welcoming non-citizens, top ranking educators, etc. overseas, unless one decides to go to private colleges, can the adult children living overseas think of educating their children in India?

    4) Is it right to guilt-wrap the same children who were raised to keep very high standards of education to pursue aggressive career, good life partner, etc.? What is the right thing for the adult children to do without killing themselves with guilt to help and support aged parents other than physical presence at a moment's notice often which is not practical? Can the parents and children communicate effectively understanding each others' difficulties and constraints?

    5) Does possession of wealth work as a protection for ageing parents to look after themselves when they are in dire needs of financial assistance or should it be used as a tool to make the children support the parents? Is it right for the adult children to count pennies when the parents are in dire need of financial assistance? Is it not necessary this kind of interaction in the family should be driven by love more than financial considerations or blaming each other?

    The questions we have to ask ourselves in the society about the parents who abandoned the children:

    1) Is orphanage the right solution for a child who can't even make informed decision at the tender age especially when the parents are present in the very same country that the children live? Is it right for the parents to have children when they are not ready to look after them?

    2) What kind of emotional turmoil an orphaned child would go through despite the institution providing medical, financial, educational and emotional support? Will this children be adopted by the right parents with a good intend to raise the children as their own?

    3) Can the institutions who have multiple children provide the same amount of care the parents could give to their abandoned children? Can they educate the children the same way the real parents would have educated them? If children pursuing career overseas or in other cities are considered as sinners not looking after the parents despite their constant interaction with the parents, what do we call the parents who abandon their children with an intent to never be in touch with them not knowing how they would be raised?

    4) Can the institutions/adoptive parents go back to the real parents after the orphaned children were raised to guilt-wrap them for what they failed to do or should they be in touch with them only if the children want to know about their real parents? Can the real parents understand how hard it is for the orphaned children to understand they have been abandoned by their real parents whatever is the reason?

    5) If love is the only thing that should drive the relationship between the parents living back in India and the adult children living overseas, can any circumstance be so compelling for any adult parent to abandon their love for the child?

    I have seen countless number of posts here in IL about the responsibilities of adult children towards the parents but rarely I come across a post that speaks for those innocent orphaned children. I have not seen an open letter written by anyone on behalf of an orphaned child. If we are ready to defend the old-aged parents with passion why the adult children should provide emotional support despite their presence far away, we should also be ready to defend the orphaned children with the same passion explaining why the society should adopt all the children in the orphanage.

    Is our society ready to adopt all the children in the orphanage and all the parents who have no children? Only time will tell.

    Viswa
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2016
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  7. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Agatha.Thanks for the wonderful response.This is a sensitive issue that is going to be faced by every one of of and our children too.The institution of marraiage envisaged progeny and transfer of values from generation to generation.Mother's expect children to get settled in life and be happy wherever they are.But failing health and dominance of emotions -that is natural in ageing process'make them vulnerable and even matured individuals behave erratically.

    I totally endorse your views onold age homes.This involves not only accepting the concept but results in spending lot of money.For example I give you an idea of expenditure at a decent old age.home in Chennai.
    Even if your children are able to procure home.for ownership.you have to incur the following expenses.
    1.Maintenance at the rate of Rs3.77 per a.ft.If you have a home of 500 s.ft you have topay nearly Rs 2500 including cleaning charges.
    2.As on date they charge Rs180 per day for two coffees.breakfastlunch and dinner.Thiscomesto nearly Rd 6000 per month
    3.Already incurring medical expenses will continue
    4.Doctor's consulting and check up extra
    5If the person is inneed of a part time or full time assistant.it is available but at a heavy cost.
    5.persons who move about freely need to spend about Rs10000 to 12000but total care results in an expenditure of Rs30000 or so.To tell you openly it is really impossible to spend such a huge amt on parents even if the children are well employed.They have a family to take care.Some mothers who are willing to move to old age home are not willing to spend their money or pension and lecture about the duty of children.I don' t know what they are going to do with pension savings.
    The condition of those without pension is still deplorable.
    Moving to old age home requires lot of financial planning.
    Jayasala42


    Dear Viswa,
    Thank you very much for having diverted the angle from deserted parents to deserted children.
    All are reasonable questions:-
    You have asked why the parents should beget children if they won't be able to bring them up.
    Mostly children are begotten as a part of married life and not with any objective of bringing up the children with culture and make them good citizens.
    In the patriarchal society girl babies are second rate human beings;Much against the wishes of the mother the girl child is either killed or abandoned into the garbage or Govt cradle by the husband or MIL.
    In a few countries like Malaysia where sterilization is prohibited and an exceedingly costly affair, the couple prefer to beget children successively and bring them up. Now a days many such children are given to adoption agencies.
    A survey says that there are two crores orphan children in India and nearly two crore parents longing to get babies.If each of them adopts a child, there need not be any orphanage in India.
    But though they say this in such easy terms, adoption process itself is not easy to handle with too many documents. It is more difficult in case of NRI parents and most difficult if they have become citizens of other nations.Rules framed by CARA(Centre for Adoption Resource Agency) in India are very strict and the agencies are prepared to give child to NRI only if the child has been rejected by three parents. Necessarily the rejected children might be suffering from severe ailments and they could not be handled by any NRI parent however rich they be.
    The thought about'Adoption' is not fully accepted even now and the MILs talk about the 'brilliant gene 'of their family and in their mind, children born to their sons alone would be brilliant and the adopted child would definitely be inferior.How can the child be expected to be treated well in such a family.

    A friend of mine after completing all the formalities brought a child home and unable to bear the ill treatment given by the MIl had to surrender the child to the agency.Fortunately the MIL passed away within 3 years and the my friend happily adopted a child now.

    Reg whether to take the child to the original parents, the thing has to be decided by the adoptive parents depending on the temperament of the child.In India all the psychiatrists advise the parents to slowly equip the child with stories of Krishna, Sita and Andal ,convince the child of adoption and emphatically tell that they really wanted him/her to be their dear son/daughter and that is why they brought them up.

    When the inf reaches the child some think of the lovely adoptive parents and never bother about the biological parents.But some children, especially girls start thinking,'What is wrong with me? Why did my mother throw me away?" When the child is over burdened with such thoughts,he/she may not be able to concentrate on studies and refuse to accept the love and affection at home and start thinking that it is artificial love.In one such case the girl refused to go to school and startedfeeling that she is being treated as a beggar in the class.The joy of bringing up the child for 13 long years was blown to pieces,
    A child has every right to know his/her birth details.If the parents are able to keep the information away from the child until he/she becomes a major-perhaps it might work well.The child would have completed graduation and be self standing,Even if the truth is revealed the children may be able to have proper perception and would be able to judge the affection with which they were brought up.

    Many children who are brought to the agencies from'cradle scheme' don't have birth records and the agencies give some approximate date of birth to the child.In such cases the date given in the adoption Court order is taken as correct and is accepted by passport Authorities also.In such cases the adoptee parents themselves do not know anything about the biological parents.There is a possibility of the child thinking that they have been stolen away.

    To adopt a child and bring it up is a happy process until the child is eight or nine.Then the agony starts 'how the child will take if the matter is revealed'to her.
    Seeing all these things many childless couple desist from adoption process itself.
    Bringing up one's own children also has some problems,no doubt.

    Viswa,
    Caring for parents at old age and bringing up adopted children are different issues altogether and they cannot be compared.Both issues need social awareness and a deep sense of understanding ,compromise and sacrifice.

    Jayasala 42
     
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  8. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Akanksha,

    Thank you for your nice response.This is a great malady affecting all the generations.Nobody will be left out.Old people are fortunate if they are blessed with 'Anaayaasa maranam' without depending on anyone till their last breath.Otherwiseboth the parents and children have to suffer -due to inability to help or being helped.
    However just now you have a baby in arms.Don't think of those days.It is far off.Things may change in your favour.
    Jayasala 42
     
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  9. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Poovai,
    Every one has these questions in mind with no one to answer.Let us wait and see.

    Jayasala 42
     
  10. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Periamma,
    Thank you for your nice observations.Even assuming that the mail is afake one, such instances are not rare to find.Sometimes quarrels take such a severe turn that they have not even a 'mukhaalopana' thereafter.Where does love disappear in such cases?Philosophers say that we are born alone and are going to leave the world alone.In the interim short period so much of misunderstandings! What a wretched life this is!

    Jayasala 42
     
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