Open Letter From A Mother

@Rihana ,
thanks for your response. My only point is that the instances of children neglecting their responsibilies to wards their parents also needs to be out in the open and there was nothing wrong in discussing this like so many other social evils. If such were not the case in recent years, there would not have arisen a situation or a need for a LAW to be enacted for maintenance of parents.

 

@Rihana ,
in addition i used the word 'injustice' specifically in a situation taken to be, where the matter in the letter is true and
the children have not responded to the mothers pleas for more than 3 years- which itself lead me to believe it may not be true!

 

Dear Joylokhi and Rihana,

My apologies Smt. Jayasala for my cross-talk here in your snippet. Of late, there is a very special interest in highlighting the wicked nature of the NRI adult children in neglecting their parents systematically. In my view, this general letter can't be any more than a fiction as you have rightly mentioned that no adult child would ignore the pleas of a mother for 3 years. Will there be situations where parents were neglected by NRI adult children? Yes. There could be a few instances of the children mistreating the parents. But vast majority still feel very connected with their parents, in fact travel to spend time with them at least once every 1-2 years, moving away from their professional responsibilities, taking their entire family home, send money to the parents to look after them when they are not financially independent, etc. despite having so many financial commitments in the country in which they have settled in the process of realizing their dreams.

I am 62 years old and find it really hard to travel to India at this age but never failed to travel to India every year to spend time with my ailing mother. Until my parents-in-law lived in Chennai, I have never failed to send my wife (only child) to spend time with them or ask my parents in law to come to the US so that they could spend 6 months with the daughter every year.

Such open letters which should be handled within families is nothing but too much of generalization painting the picture with the same brush for all NRI adult children. In fact, I can give a few examples of adult children treating their parents badly in India as well but rarely such subject is spoken.

I have already written my example in my previous response. In addition to enjoying the hard earned wealth of my parents including pension funds, jewels, silver vessels, savings, a very high value real estate all to himself, my brother has not given any medical treatment to my mother for the past five years who is crippled due to bone density issues. When I interfere, my mother supports him because of the stupid sentiments of him performing her last rites. In our family circles, besides me, including her brothers and sisters are trying to fix this situation for years helplessly as she is a person who has helped raise many of her brothers and sisters besides her own children being the eldest in her family.

What use is the enactment of law in India if we can't apply this to give some treatment to my mother who is crippled but supports her ill-treating son to buy peace for the rest of her life? What kind of mother would ask her youngest son to pray for her death to happen quickly? She doesn't want to throw her son out of the house so that I can appoint caretakers to look after her round the clock. She doesn't want to move to a private home where home care can be arranged paid completely by me as it would bring bad name to her eldest son. Can you now tell me what this NRI child at the age of 62 is supposed to do for the suffering mother?

Ours is an arranged marriage and despite me marrying the woman she chose for me, she ill-treated her for the entire life because she is from outside of her family. She didn't spend a minute with our only son from his birth (he is now 27 years old) and till today her position is that she needs only me and not my family. Despite all that, my family consisting of my wife, son, mother-in-law are advising me to do everything possible to make my mother's life better. I am one of Rihana's example in her last message.

Viswa

 

Good evening Mr. Vishwamitra

To be very frank, everyone has his own story to tell. One has a story does not mean, others do not have have different stories; issue is which of more regular occurrence, that is called redeeming feature. You have a story , does not mean, the lady's letter, to which we are responding here, is wrong !!! I have so many examples in my own areas which have almost the same sequence of events.

What you wrote , as your own story cannot be ignored either. But, the way you have reacted to the post, appears to be stemming from a sting feeling, which you could have avoided , if facts were otherwise. Nobody is absolutely correct. Everyone has his own perception/conception about the world. Biggest teacher is experience and own sense of reason and correlating facts. Opposite stories cannot confuse them

I really did not like , the way you made some of the remarks about family members so openly, especially own mother. The tone was unkind. Even if an aged mother is somewhere not being very kind to you, take it in your stride and be aloof , because you have other siblings and sufficient financial wherewithal.

I do hope, you get peace and all your discontents are amicably settled. But this has nothing to do with the acknowledgement of contents of the letter of the respected Lady. It displayed the general truth.
hank you and regards.

 

Dear Viswa,
thanks for the detailed response. Reading thro' your reply i could gauge the extent of helplessness of your situation and i empathise with you in total. Yes, there are plenty of instances where the parents themselves are to blame and equally numerous cases where the children are guilty of neglect in spite of all that was done by the parents for them. So, we definitely cannot generalise and each individual/family situation is different.
Many parents by their overbearing attitude when they are hale and hearty create the break in relationships, and at the same time expect caring as and when they are old - with the age old premis of being a child's duty for having raised them. I am totally against this. However i have personally come across families where there has been total neglect by the children who are away(whether abroad or in a different city) and the parents inspite of everything will not go to court against their own children and are suffering unrelatable hardships.

 

Dear Somsar,

Did I ever dispute the existence of negligence by the NRI adult children in some cases? Did I ever say that I am the only one who has a unique experience with my mother? If you have an experience, why don't you go ahead and share it. It is a free world and each one of us have a right to express views. I have not disputed what that mother said in her own words but all I was trying to mention is that it is not the universal truth.

Feel free to judge my words and actions based on what I had written as my response here. It is natural for anyone who doesn't know the truth. I will not feel offended as I chose to share it in a forum. What amazes me is your decision to believe an unknown mother writing about her NRI child because it matches your perception of NRI adult children but when I express my mother's will to live a difficult life only to protect the reputation of her son living in India, you find it offensive.

What makes you think a mother can express her views in an open forum affecting the emotions of all NRI adult children whereas a NRI adult child can't express his emotions about the mother suffering silently without reacting to the atrocious behavior of an adult child in India? If mine is just an aberration, what is expressed in the open letter written by a mother about her NRI child is also an opinion expressed by a single mother.

You can't even comprehend what I had been through because what I have expressed here is only 10% of what I had been through.The last paragraph I have written is very condensed to give a little background and not the entire situation.

I don't like your conclusion that the open letter of the mother written here reflects the general truth. That is just your perception and not the reality in majority of situations in my humble opinion.

Don't worry about me. I know how to love my mother and also address all my concerns about her health issues.

Thanks and regards.

Viswa

 

Good evening again Mr. Vishwa.
Please do not feel bad about my independent opinion. I never meant any offence or disregard to anyone intentionally. But, if you have reason to feel aggrieved, apart from apologies, my only submission is , that it was never intended on any particular person at all.

Now coming to the issue, please see your line,

No question of knowing anyone personally. All the characters here, in all narrations, are to be taken as representative sample characters for discussions. So believing an unknown mother and and unknown son is not the issue at all. As a man, I think we have some little extra constraints about not making known the extra hard-feelings and need to show a little equanimity. After all mothers are mothers in spite of lots of alleged injustices done by them. But if you ask, who are more often the the offenders, I shall say again, the children. This has nothing to do with a mother or son, known or unknown to me. I don't even consider the NRI status for this. For practical consideration of an old mother residing in a village, her son of Kolkata, residing in Bangalore is no less than an NRI, barring the earning in Dollars.

There be no hard feelings across the table.

Regards.

 

But if you ask, who are more often the the offenders, I shall say again, the children.

No offense taken from your earlier response and no apologies needed. I agree with you that whether a person is NRI or living far away from mom within India, the situation is still the same.

But your above statement startled me again. Do you know how many children are abandoned by their parents in a year? There are thousands of children waiting to be loved and adopted every year and there are many who end up being raised in the orphanage itself. There are equal amount of parent offenders as adult children. If all adult children are responsible, there will never be old-age homes and if all parents are responsible, there will be no orphanages in the world.

Viswa