on the verge of divorce....please help us

Dear OP,
It appears that everybody accepted the proposal in haste.
The lifestyle which you have described could be normal to equally religious girl but if your sis cannot spend her life doing this then divorce is the answer.
Its a cumulative effect of several things , not just one. Hopefully she is working and does not have kids. If her mind is made up then they can try separation for a few months and then start the proceedings for Divorce.
Living apart will make things clear to both and maybe they can make adjustments or split.
Abuse need not be the only reason for a divorce.

 

I think op's latest post has shed more light on the issue. We need to stop going into "why you got your sister married to this guy"...let us be a little more constructive and try to help.
Have you tried to sit and talk to him? He seems to be abusing her in the name of religion. In this case I think you and your parents need to meet him and convince him. It will take time but it might work. I know another girl who got married into a very conservative family...she was a qualified doctor. She is now living separately from her husband. She has a kid as well. Your sister definitely needs to avoid a pregnancy.

 

when she asked about honeymoon...she will get a straight NO...again fights....

Not going for honeymoon though somewhat disappointing to new bride, there may be several reasons for this. In my opinion, if the initimacy is there honeymoon is not a big deal...there are many couples who may not go for honeymoon because of job schedules etc.,

finally they go but he keeps cribbing about that he did not like to go also money wasted...

So, poor guy has to finally cave in... may be he is right that money could have been saved, if that is important to get other necessary things in life.

then he starts putting conditions...we can not have maid int he house against his culture..

Everybody wants to keep the house according to their tastes...

with work u shud b able to manage both work n home alone with doing dishes and washing clothes...

economy is at work here i suppose... But the guy should also help in house hold chores... if there is resistance then girl knows how to give treatment to her hubby on this front...with time guy will himself recommend for maid...just have patience..

he asks her not to wash vessels in kitchen sink..asking her to go out n wash...

sounds reasonable...as this is better way to do...

then clean house with cowdung etc to purify if done by mistake...

do you mean clean the floor with tiles with cowdung? The actual situation is not being visualised clearly...First of all in cities getting cowdung itself is difficult...

when some one from my relative visits her..he scolds her for serving them food in same plates..

this sounds ridiculous as the guy married girl from that family...how frequent your relatives visit them... if it is once in bluemoon, then let him his way...but it seems the guy is against the girl's family and does not want to maintain contacts with her family... it looks he never accepted the girls family in the first place...--jmo

does not eat for days in the house...please note he is ok eating out...

what is the reason for not eating in the house? let him eat wherever he wants...but is he restricting the girl not eat for days in the house? let her join the hospital immediately and tell the doctor that she has fainted because of lack of food...

when asked for a wooden cot/bed..he agian fights asking her to sleep on mat..

if the guy is sleeping on mat, let her adjust to sleep on mat...or let her arrange them on her own...these are manageable i suppose...

same for tv/fridge..goes on n on........

these can be planned slowly as situation changes and when the need is felt by both...

alwaz wearing his traditional dress except for work

it is his own headahe...leave it...

n asking her not to touch...keep enchanting...discussing nothing about any other aspect of day/life...

not to touch in particular time is ok...may be because of puja etc., enchanting by him is ok...asking her to enchant means ---she need not do it...let her refuse...and if she wants to discuss about other aspect of life...let her find appropriate time and keep bugging him...at some point or other he has to listen...

alwaz meeting /online chatting with similar people from his community and moderating their website problems...here she is left alone in her own world....if she says somehting then fights

let him do whatever he wants...it is his own headahe...all she needs to do is keep off from these things...let her find her own space...let her have her own activities which do not require his dependence...it helps in the long run...

He is not ready to discuss this with any therapist..not even with their common manager who is willing to talk.

No need to make things worse...just prioritise the irritating aspects...which aspect or thing needs to be focused 100% --you just work on it only and nothing else...that way you will be more focussed instead of generalising and creating confusion.

now do u still think is there any hope in this relationship? still its my sis attitude/adjustment issues?still think we have changed?

yes there is hope in this relationship...just take up single most important thing and work on it to change, next other things will fall in line...

wat are we asking...not onsite or more money....we knew before marriage they are financially not sound...we are asking soembody who has some aspirations in life..who does not strive for Moksha from the very next day of their marriage...

good that you are not money oriented...if there is intimacy between couple, then we need not worry about Moksha thing...

Are we wrong?

Everybody will have their view points...No body is right or wrong.. It is all perception...

 

Moderators: Please choose to edit/delete this post or Ban me out of this forum before publishing this post.
I've been reading this post and replies etc for the past few days and cant resist to reply..

Personally, I cant trust OP words...
Its very clear that OP got that boy married to his sister with a very clear objective in his(and his sister's mind) and such objective is not getting to the reality and now picking up VERY LAME reason(no one can accept it) to get out of the relationship and find their way towards THEIR objective.

Whats their objective? This guy needs to earn money for them...

Get a life.. people like you are the cause to degrade the individual values and personality and dignity of the others. Whats your problem here? Its his life and her life, He is well educated, its his need to work out his career and finance.. why do you put your dirty mind in it and mess it up? You have no right to direct or insist him to go onsite or off site or to the hell or heaven. If my BIL asks me this, what he will get is a kick out of my house for life..(but fortunately no one should find such personality in their relatives or friends.. for the Gods sake)

This is one more of your OBJECTIVE which was not fulfilled, get out of their way, its THEIR life.. if your sister wants her to be taken our to tours, you both might have asked this while THEY ARE IN LOVE.. stupid reason..

Tell me few things that he is asking her to do which are illegal, abnormal or others say "He is stupid to ask her to do that... " tell me few for example..

If so, its YOUR problem out of your STUPIDITY.. to be get married to a different cultural family..(your Original OBJECTIVE might have blind folded you)

You are a stupid to support a divorce for silly reasons, that too your sister's life...

Certainly you both(your sis and you) are worried about what would happen to YOUR BOTH objective if she got divorced.. Dont worry, you may get his property share.. poor guy...(your sis hubby, not you)

Cant trust these words...

You or your sister are STUPID.. to be get married with an unknown community.. take its results.. now whin ..

Here whats your problem? He is an IT guy, smart, must be earning good money to feed, shelter his dependents, having good personal life with his wife. On the top of this, he is religious as you know before the marriage. You know very clearly that he is into poojas etc.. Then what he is not into a normal 25 years boy? Doing more poojas is not a quality of a healthy 25 years boy, and you want to use this as a reason for DIVORCE ? Again, get a life.. I dont need to repeat that who is STUPID here

Respect him for your life... If I am in your situation, I do consider him just next to the God who has taken care of my life's fears about my sister, if I really love my such sister and her future.. just respect him for ever.

You are having two versions here.. What do you need Him to Take care of her? Is she a baby? Is she a mentally challenged kid? Why to take care of her? Its the life she is taking care of herself and her family. Its his life that he will take care of him and his family , they both help one other, he was not born to take care of her from your care. Just avoid forcing a healthy independent person to be a dependent on others.

Thats his problem, as long as he is enjoying or suffering by himself with that, its his STUPIDITY. (but I dont trust your statement here since he is reasonably educated, employed and handling very good job which needs a healthy mental situation in IT job)

If he is really doing this, its not correct. He doesnt have have a right to force some one to do the things that the way he likes. If he is that stupid, put him infront of ealders and theraphists, its an easy fix in my view(only if these words are EXTREMELY true)

Besides mentioning this, you contued to prove him as a stupid. The reality could be, he is smart, healthy family life, kind hearted person, can command the family with respect and pride, take care of his responsibilities and at the same time VERY NORMAL religious (for his religion) with his own culture(if he is stupid with those pooojas etc, how can he become brilliant, graduated to work in IT industry, definitely got a respectable social status, brave(to marry a non religious, challenged gurl out of his own love by convincing very traditional family).. what are you looking for you and your sister more than this in this world. God is also busy, He got a very limited kindness to shower, You are lucky that you got more time of His attention on you to bless. Enjoy it and be respectable for the God and your Parents for this.

I dont think she needs to adjust first. Its YOU to start thinking about ADJUSTING with the Luck and Blessings of the God so far on you and your sister. Its you to start getting convinced. Once you are smart enough to re-evaluate yourself, you will become a perfect brother to fix your sister family. Speak to her with a clean mind and explain her how lucky she is and explain her what an average person would have the problems MUCH LARGER than that on daily basis. Every one life got a package of very complex issues on each day. This is a very common and solvable issue. Ask her keep working on her family with a wise and practical manner. If the other end is super stupid moron, She can come out of such relationship, if she belives that she can find a better option later.

Solution:
Go back to your favorite God or elder's memory in silence, thin deeply whats the normal thing in the socity for a family and life of a couple. Re-evaluate yourself what you are thinking and whats the right thing. get yourself very clear. Talk to your sister that we got lucky to get this life on this earth, we are fortunate to get a life mate out of our odd situation like this. Tell her to be more confidant, courageous, and accept the reality and support her family and husband to get their life built on the VERY NORMAL Grounds and Healthy foundation(not weired stones and bricks of expecting him to be a money machine and comfort factory). Then GET OUT OF THEIR WAY for the God's sake. Everything would be normal.

If you hate my post, you got few options.
1) Ignore my posts
2) Recommend the mods to ban me out of this site..
But I stand on my comments above, unless and otherwise if the real situation is opposite to what you have mentioned in your posts above.
Good luck for a normal social life for your sister family and for YOU as well.

 

Hi valli,
Divorces are happening in all the religions. Coming to srivaishnavas they come under brahmin community, they are bit rigid.. To be honest my grand parents never eat some thing cooked by others, because they do it on their own and serve it to god. We are not like that as time and habits change as per generation. Regarding washing utensils, yes ur sister can keep a maid let the maid wash it and your sister can just wash those again by sprinkling water on them with out again using detergent. This is what my grand parents do. There is no objection for washing clothes by any one because they get dried up.
If your sister gets a guy who is flurting with other women,smoking/drinking habits, physically/verbally abusive can she tolerate? There re different set of problems one face if divorce happens.
I dont see any problem in her wearing traditional clothes at house as he is atleast allowing her to wear her wish of clothes outside house.
Life will be happy if she has minimum expectations.. Things will change over time . This guy is used to such type of attitude, slowly he will change. His parents will never support your sis, it is the case with any inlaws in many religions. I dont want to offend any one. These are my views.

 

See if your sisters husband is a drunkard or physically abusing her or other issues it is a problem. Being too religious is not a problem its just his way of living. Well if your sister does not like religious things then she better stay away from that and follow her own way of life.Is your BIL threatening or forcing her to follow religios customs? If no then whats the issue. Stop being selfish.Life is not a bed of roses living abroad. If your sister gets an oppurtunity to come onsite then let her come and experience only then she realises what life is. If he is not interested in buying flat screen/car/flat then why cant she buy as she is also working in IT. Even if your sister divorces her current husband do you think you can marry her off to a dream hero who goes abroad buys flatTV/car/flat . Imagine a person who can buy all these and cannot take good care of your sister,hurts her everyday which path do you want to choose?..
Infact most of the poeple in todays world are trying to be religious atleast spend little time to god in these hectic schedules but not everyone has time and chance.Do you know people living abroad want to visit temples but due to time/distance/busy life styles they hardly get chance to visit once in a month.Several people volunteer for religious activities to attain peace and to help others.I am not trying to say turn religious but I am giving some positive views of being religious it sounds really silly thinking of divorcing beacause your BIL is religious. I know a person who is a director in federal govt.Her husband died last year from then she turned religious she is earning nearly 150K or more every month she has just may be 5 or 6 years to retire and get good pension her whole life. But she resigned from her job to perform church activities and attain peace.I am not saying become sanyasi leaving all pleasures.You have all rights to enjoy life just come into reality only then you can lead good life.

 

agree with SreeSRI- What's your problem??? Isnt your sis an adult? can she not manage her husband and her marriage and her own life? She seems to be educated and working, presumably with a brain of her own and an ADUlt. So let the guy and the gal handle the marriage on their own terms.

By the way, I generally support women to be more assertive and share their points of view with their husbands etc and stand up to some of the really bad treatment meted out by some inlaws, however this is really ridiculous - the reason you have come here to explain the reason for divorce (that too not your own, but your sister's !!!) is beacsue he is not going onsite and not buying tv and becasue he is a vaishnite or shivaite or whatever!!!! this is seriously the craziest reason for a divorce I have ever seen!! Granted financial goals are important, but seems to me the guy and gal knew each before marriage - didnt they discuss all this stuff abt their future??? Not as in an interview like question"so tell your goals for next 5 years", but in general in a conversation like - so what are your dreams, what do you like, what things do you just dont like, etc....like through everyday conversation .

As SreeSri said, some people are just dumb and just jump into things without thinking ahead of impact of actions, and then when the troubles hit them, they are like all at sea.

I am not saying that all problems can be seen from before, of course not, but in your case, it was a simple case of asking what traditions do you follow at home, which temple do you go to pray? I go to x temple, do you go there too...etc - and then the guy wud have answered - oh i go to z temple, becasue i am vaishnavite or sumthing, and at home we do the cowdung thing etc....and then ur sis wud have thot before marriage- cowdung every day??? oh god cant do this..better look for another guy...; Then your sis might have picked up another conversation saying oh you know my friend loves to go onsite and her hub too wants to go - wht do u think - your frnds also going to onsite? wht abt u? u interested...and so on......



Anyway, you keep out of your sis's business, in case your sis asks you for advice ask her to be mature, act like an adult, communicate with her hub, get help of marriage counsellor if possible

 

I think the only way out is talk to him. Maybe thats the reason he married your sister - thinking she was having polio and not getting anybody (i mean a groom as per ur preferred choice) - so she would be willing to adjust to his rigid lifestyle.

But before you guys intervene, have your sister ask her husband why did he marry her? what were the qualities he saw in her when he went against everyone.

for a guy who went against everyone to marry your sister, something seems to be missing from big picture. Was there a big exchange of property and the likes since you guys are affluent?

 

this is the exact reason why people are giving you diff. angles on what may/may not fix the issue.

If you are better off, then why worry about divorce!!! if you need other thoughts n angle on what or how to fix this and if there is a way out etc....,take the inputs...basically I have not seen posts bashing you or your sister..or using abusive words....I dont see wrong with the posters....


but when you said you n your family can buy his entire family.....thats what worries me more

There are women on this forum who are physically, verbally and mentally abused, whose husbands dont let the wife talk to her parents or want her to give away all her earnings to him, not let her spend money on basic needs, not take care of kids, or help wife..but want every facility and freedom from the wife....So think and read all those threads and come back and post !!!!

There are women who are the only child to their parents, never lifted their finger and everyone was at their beck n call...and still these women after marriage... make changes in their life style...learn to cook,clean and serve inlaws and husband inspite of several grins that were thrown at them....they push tehmselves to do better...not because they cant go back to their parents or buy anotherguy n his family...but because of commitment..no one is 100% good all the time and everytime....there are some drawback n negativities in each person. he may not see your sisters point now...he is new to this entire marriage thing...your sister (who may actually feel lost) should be the one to find solutions and work on fixing it..provided...she loves this man and wants to live with him....if she doesnt feelthatconnection....no one can force her....and its her life..and it should be her decision.

You can be protective about your sister. nothing wrong. but sometimes love blinds us. you have to udnerstand that.
you are in such a hurry to get approval and sympathy from everyone...remember that after your sister separates...do you have any future plans forher?? ok if your parents dont go to her house, atleast once in awhile she can visit you guys...or may be slowly with patience this guy may be changed...your sister is married just not even couple of years and you are already thinking only of divorce as the solution...

being ladies....people here are suggesting you to think twice before pushing for divorce. its just 1 and half yrs of marriage and seems like they havent worked on tehir issues first. whatever you guys did in hurry...do not do th same mistake again. and repent later. take it slow is what people are suggesting.

if you dont like it..I guess thats ok...finally..last but not least...my sincere advice...DO NOT INVOLVE in your sisters life. let her make her own decisions. things like these have to be handled by someone who is patient enough to see both sides and suggest work arounds...and not by people who add fuel to the fire.

still not satisfied, may be later you can buy another guy and his family.once you are done with this guy .