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Older One - Not Like Gifting Others

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by sanjuruby3, Aug 4, 2020.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    My older one has issues and covid and stranded in india just worsened. I do not understand her personality, she is not interested in anything.
    All she wants or like is people giving to her but she hates giving away specially if it is something she does not have. Her enmosity is particularly with her siblings or close friends. She becomes quite shy and submissive and easily bullied over or pushed over outside.

    Anyways, i ask her to make bday card for her friend. No.. she did not make me card. She did. But it was not a good card.
    We need to buy present for friend. Buy this.. do not buy that. They did not give me good present..
    We were in India at in-laws. They do not give her anything. At my parents, she gets showered and pampered. So she is telling me, why no one gives me anything here.
    Anyways current situation is - how to deal with this situation of giving away or buy something different for her friends that she does not have or sibling. She is very hard to talk to and gets offensive and raise her guards and voice if i try to reason with her. Same like her father.
    I am sure many kids are like that.
     
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  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    I am sure all kids have some issue like these. If you are buying gift for her friend, let her pick out the gift. Take her to the store tell her how much money you will spent and ask her to choose. You shouldn't be stressed out this much on things like this. it might be a stage it will pass. Talking to kids is not easy, parents always have to put a lot of effort to keep the communication lines open, easy and on going. it needs constant and conscious effort. Don't worry, keep talking to her she will be fine. Don't be intimidated if she raises her voice, tell her to calm down and listen to her only when she is calm. She will come around.
     
    sanjuruby3 likes this.
  3. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    actually i was getting worried if she is like this. But I rembr, my little sister was also like this as a child. I probably too had similar traits but not for my siblings atleast. Thanks for the words.
    i actually am afraid to buy any gift for her friend, because she says i want this, she can not have it..etc so whatever if buy, i buy 2 so same i give to her, then later for friends bday i give to her.
    I have to make adjustments here for ex. my LO has too many backpacks. I want to buy some fancy for friend, but do not want another one at home. so I can not buy just for her..can i no..
     
  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    of course you can. You are the adult here and you are the one who spending the money. In that kind of situations, I usually explain to my DD why we are doing this. the honest reason. Even though she won't comprehend it completely, it helps with the situation. That is also a way of building up the communication lines with the child.I usually do not buy two exact gifts so that I could gift one to another child. This is where the trick of letting her spend the money and letting her pick to gift helps. She knows this is to be given away, and she will learn to accept it. It will not be a smooth journey, but you will get there.
     
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  5. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    so what if your kiddo picks something that is not good. Lets say your budget is 50$ she picks something 10$ and that is not also good. You want to add something for 40$ but she looks at it if she does not have that thing, there is drama.
     
  6. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    You do not add anything, if the budget is 50, she has to pick something for that price (or 45+ taxes, mine is 9, she can do some math, but depending on the kid set the limit accordingly)!! I tell her it's her responsibility to give a good gift to the friend. Also, you cannot ask her to pick for the kids she doesn't know. It works in a few different ways. i was just giving you pointers on how it worked in my household. if DD I have to buy a gift for a kid who she has not seen before, I show her a picture or get her familiarize with the idea why we are buying a gift like "This is my best friend's kid, so and so, h when we visit you get to play and share his toys too, but since we visit/they visit, giving gift is a good way of get to know each other" something along the line. No matter what we provide them, the kids will not have everything in life, they need to learn that. She will see that some kids have more toys or exotic ones than she has. She just have to get used to it. Be ready to withstand a fair amount of drama, but they won't get away forever, it will pass! Every kid is different, so the length of the stage is different. This is just my perspective and it worked for me.
     
  7. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    This is a good teaching moment. If she did not like a gift her friend gave, tell her that her friend gifted something that she thought your daughter would like and we should always, *always* gift what we think someone would like, within budget. Some of our gifts may be a miss just like some of their's to us. It is OK. But the thought behind each gift is what counts.

    When my kids were younger they would express their interest in getting the same gifts we would give to others, I would ask for them to wait until their birthday or some other occasion. May be even fib that your current budget does not stretch for 2 of those.
     
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  8. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Clearly identify what it is that you are disagreeing with her? Is it the cost or her selection choice or something else?

    You will have to calmly discuss with her without criticising her even unintentionally. Low cost products are sub standard and they will break soon and hence do not serve the purpose of gifting. You can also come to a middle ground of ~25-30$ in terms of budget. Do not fret over this too often nor think long term on how this will turn out. It is not in your control.

    My daughter does not match my thoughts exactly on gifting. I like to give quality gifts but sometimes she feels it is excessive. At the same time, she is really happy when the friend expresses that she liked the gift very much. My daughter has learnt to ask the birthday child about her preference first before we decide and it certainly helps. I ask my daughter to pick her choice first and then we improvise from there. We didn't have a smooth ride from day one. Initially I used to enforce my opinion on her and she hated it. She didn't like my choice either. I like to go for educational stuff whereas she was after fun stuff like nail polish etc. I gave in a few times. There is no one answer and you have to take it as it comes. Even today, my husband and I prefer she behaves differently in certain mannerisms but I stopped thinking about this as it's not the end of the world for anyone.

    More importantly, only you know her personality and sometimes we imagine too. So get her to talk to you on general stuff and open up with her about yourself. Slowly she will come to understand your side of things. I find that the kids are easy to talk to do if they are not looked upon with authority.
     
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  9. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    Why are you giving 5 year old the lead to pick toys gift for her friend?
    My kid turning 5 in few months. He doesnt pick gifts for his friends. He draws for his friends thats about it. He doesnt have a clue what is given to his friend.
    They are too young to make a good decision.
    I would give the ability to choose for friends when my kid turns 12, as they b have better idea about money, understand their friends better.
     
  10. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    She does not pick . She likes to know what we are gifting to her one particular very close friend and if it is something that catches her fancy, she needs to have it. Not like I gift her some Elsa doll that she does not have it.
    Other than that, to others she does not even care.
    She loves her friend a lot and also like sibling rivalary or something like we adults also have.
     

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