Old Wounds Revisited

paru123 · Apr 8, 2022

I had been to a Birthday party last week of a kid in my society. Many kids and few mothers were present for the same. There, I was put in a tight spot by my friend gossiper X. She just made me revisit my old wounds I had with my another neighbour A, who was absent for the birthday party.

Three years back, I had a problem with A , because of some misunderstanding. A as a revenge ,did not invite me for her sons wedding. It was very insulting moment for me as she had invited many Tom and Harry for the wedding but not me. Many didnt knew (or acting as if they dont know ) the actual reason and kept asking me why I was not invited. I expected an invitation, but she played a mean game. The incident was very painful for me. I had literally cried many a times for the insult.

Later during covid we had a situation that I had to interact with A and it was win win situation for both of us. Because I had helped A during the covid time, she kept a hi bye relation from then on.

I assume that the gossipers (X) dont know what happened between us during covid.

Now A's daughters, engagement n wedding is fixed. Most of A ' friends including X had been invited for the engagement n I was not. During the birthday X asked me in front of everyone why I was not invited for the sons wedding. I wasn't expecting a question on the past , but when she asked me I was not prepared for the question and I replied enemies are never invited for weddings. I should have said past is past, why bother about it. I feel sad that, I said a wrong statement and these gossipers would definitely pass it on to A. When I am with people, I get so excited and talk too fast without thinking or taking a pause. I had forgotten about that insulting incident, but when X asked me in front of all as to why I was not invited, I started feeling the same animosity towards A once again.
I feel so disturbed after this. My ego was hurt a lot when I alone was not invited for the sons wedding. X's unnecessary questioning opened the old wound. Also I keep asking myself that if in case A invites me for the daughters wedding, should I confront her about not being invited for the sons and start ignoring her again as the wounds have been re opened. I have literally cried when I was not invited for the sons wedding. I know it is very silly but I was hurt a lot.

Gossipers dont let others live in peace. X and A are good friends. If Xwanted,
she could have directly asked A then, but her careless enquiry now just irritated me again. I again feel bad about the old insult. Also not sure whether A will invite me for her daughters wedding. Gossipers will never help people forget bad incidents. Would u attend wedding if you were in my place. Also now I feel very disturbed , when I accidentally see A or her family while moving in/out of my society.

How would you deal with your mind especially when the gossipers dont let you forget the past.

SGBV · Apr 12, 2022

If I understood you correctly, I think your problem is not X, not A, not your hurt, but your own insecurity.
You believe, an invitation from A can boost your ego.
You badly wanted to patch up with A, not because you like A, but you believe the connect with A can make you feel special, feel included.
It is because, you feel rejected, when you were not invited by A. You started doubting your self worth, when A included everyone except you. That's why the hurt.
Now that, you started fearing, what if X gossips with A, and what if A excludes you again.

See... it is important to feel equal in any relationship. The feeling of wanted should be from both sides.
If A truly appreciates your presence in her children's life, she will invite you no matter what.
If she doesn't appreciate your presence, she will not invite you.

She can just throw an invitation for the sake of it too, but such invitations doesn't change your equation with A.

Think about it....
If someone asks, why you are not invited... Dont panic. Don't consider such questions as intimidating. Don't feel insulted for not being invited to a party.
It is not your fault.

Instead give them the direct answer. Look at their eyes, and speak firmly like this: "Yes I wasn't invited because A & I do not get along well. We are not in talking terms"
It is simple as that.

They won't probe for further questions if they sense that you are OK with this.

paru123 · Apr 12, 2022

Thanks for replying. You have assessed the situation correctly.
I am a very private person and personally going through hell lot of problems in my life. I do not share my personal problems with my neighbors and they all feel like I am on cloud nine. I am having a perfectly messed up life now and could be because of that, I feel hurt for such silly things . Now ,since I am not a working person I do not get to interact with like minded people often, and so these 5 minute or 10 minute talks with neighbours matters a lot to me positively. And then, if I become the topic of gossip for such silly petty things like non invited for wedding etc, it hurts me a lot.

Eventhough I also dont care much about invitations and parties, A'sons wedding incident hurt me a lot as she was my next door neighbour then, not now.

SGBV · Apr 12, 2022

paru123 said: ↑

Thanks for replying. You have assessed the situation correctly.
I am a very private person and personally going through hell lot of problems in my life. I do not share my personal problems with my neighbors and they all feel like I am on cloud nine. I am having a perfectly messed up life now and could be because of that, I feel hurt for such silly things . Now ,since I am not a working person I do not get to interact with like minded people often, and so these 5 minute or 10 minute talks with neighbours matters a lot to me positively. And then, if I become the topic of gossip for such silly petty things like non invited for wedding etc, it hurts me a lot.

Eventhough I also dont care much about invitations and parties, A'sons wedding incident hurt me a lot as she was my next door neighbour then, not now.
Click to expand...

I can understand your feelings.
It happens! Especially when you are living far from your family & friends, plus the stay home loneliness could affect more.
For me, on-line friendships help a lot.
You can find like-minded woman in FB or anonymous forums like this & start communicating.
The more you are desperate & vulnerable, the more our society will you.
Act as if you don't care about their interactions. They all will come around.

Amica · Apr 15, 2022

The past is behind you and cannot be changed, you have to find a way to let it go. As long as you hold onto this grudge, your friendship can't move forward. Wish A and her children well, and move on.

paru123 said: ↑

Would u attend wedding if you were in my place.
Click to expand...

Yes, absolutely. If for some reason you can't attend, send a gift and your blessings.

paru123 said: ↑

How would you deal with your mind especially when the gossipers dont let you forget the past.
Click to expand...

Don't let other people control your feelings. If you like A, renew the friendship. Your original quarrel with her was over a misunderstanding. It seems silly to still fight when you know there was no malice, no?

Let the gossips keep wondering what happened. You do not owe them an answer.

If I had to guess, I'd say X is feeling threatened by your reconciliation with A. X is afraid that A and you will once again become close friends and cut her out. Don't let X make her insecurities your problem.

If X pokes you again, ask her why she is so invested in A's personal relationships. And also ask where she was when A needed help during the Covid incident.

Good luck, @paru123. Relationships can be complicated and sometimes hurtful, but the rewards of good friendships are immeasurable and worth pursuing.

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