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Old Wounds Revisited- Involuntarily! :(

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by nayidulhan, Jul 5, 2020.

  1. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Everybody!
    I am working on addressing all my open wounds these days and seeking closure so that I can "heal"and move on with life. I want to change as a person. I want to take charge of my life!

    I had a best friend in school. She and I were inseparable. She was the more dominant one and could take all the decisions for the two of us- crucial decisions back then like which "proposals and advances" by boys to be complained about to the authorities, which ones to ignore, etc etc etc. I was always secure that there's someone to lean back on.

    We were being raised in quite a similar way with the major difference being that my family is transparent and open about everything - all our info is in public domain- whereas her family would not do so. Despite being my best friend, I had no whiff that time that her brother is a substance abuser and that he creates scenes in the neighbourhood. Obviously, my family too was completely unaware of all this. And surprisingly, we lived in a place where almost everyone knew and respected each other (and so I assume that nobody wanted our cordial relations or my precious friendship with her to get ruined.)

    When we were just a month away from our board exams, one of their neighbours (whose family was associated with us through occasional business transactions) told my friend's mother that the whole world knows about her son's addiction and misbehaviour and that my mother has spread the gossip around. The friend and her mother must have been obviously hurt and decided to abruptly cut ties with me and my family. Several attempts to address the issue were responded with a cold reply or not answering phone calls or changing schedules so as not to cross paths, etc. We were completely at a loss to understand what was happening. I was affected badly. Despite being an excellent student, I underperformed in my exams. Several of my other friends distanced from me. I was being subtly avoided from being a part of any conversations/ hang outs. I was dropped from the list of invitees at all the birthday parties back then. Birthday parties were very important social events back then and i was devastated.
     
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  2. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Bronze IL'ite

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    College happened next, all of us were scattered in different directions, and all of lost touch with each other. The friend and her family have continued with their cold behavior with us, over the years.

    Once in the intermittent years, by the grace of God, that lady who created this nuisance for us was exposed about her wrong doings in multiple such cases. Everybody was actively confessing how she has spread rumours and gossip. And we were led to know about the real culprit behind our pain. The friend and her family too know about it all now. But they don’t seem to have “forgiven” us!

    Recently, a What’sApp group was made for all my schoolmates. This friend does not leave a single opportunity to bully me. Whenever I post/ reply to anything, she immediately posts a contradictory message. Whenever I wish her on any occasion, she does not acknowledge it but thanks everyone else profusely. Whenever it’s an occasion for celebration for me, she invariably posts some sad news and spoils the mood on the group. She’s otherwise a lively person full of humour and great persuasion skills. She’s sweet and helpful to everyone else. So nobody seems to realize what’s happening.

    Last year, on my birthday, I was told later that all the friends were planning a surprise get together for me but she convinced them against that idea by telling them that a teacher’s spouse (who none of us are in touch in anyway) is on his death bed and so it’s immoral to celebrate at that point!

    Sometimes, I feel all my friends are foolish to dance on her tune and that now I must distance myself from all this. But that my heart aches at the thought of being alone and sailing against the tide! What should I do?
     
  3. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Bronze IL'ite

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    Just for the record, that friend has a successful career (like me), her kids are doing very well (like mine) and our husbands too are doing reasonably well. So no strong grounds for jealousy??
     
  4. netflx

    netflx Silver IL'ite

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    That's the main point of it all. First is to accept that this is the reality of the situation, and she is not going to change. You have a couple of options, one is to remain in the group, but mentally ignore her tantrums regarding you in the group. You can continue to interact with the rest of them and have to endure some irritations caused by her. If its really affecting you, the second option is to take a break from the whatsapp group, you can exit it citing some busy work schedule for a few months, Getting that break can help clear the mind for sometime. Many people do exit groups for short (or long) term and nothing wrong with that option either.
     
    nayidulhan and Needtobestrong like this.
  5. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    ND,
    Sometimes we do not understand why the friendship ended. Sometimes we do not understand why a friend is jealous and of what
    But believe me, everyone is your online group understands what she is doing. Though they are not telling her to stop, they understand. She ahs decided that she will not let you get a enough foot hold. Why- we might not know. I would suggest, please cut her out of your memories and current mental bandwidth. Make her non existent for you.
     
    nayidulhan likes this.
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    It’s time to move on.
    Your friend and her family have decided it’s easier to blame you and your family for their embarrassment than deal with the issue honestly. There is no point in wasting any more mental energy on her. Focus on making new friends and interacting with others in your group one on one. Don’t engage with her any more.
    It looks like she has a strong influence on others in your group since no one stood up for you. In this case I would focus on developing a new circle free of drama and toxicity.
     
    startinganew likes this.
  7. Saahasi

    Saahasi Bronze IL'ite

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    Just ignore and move on.I know it’s hard but that’s the only way.Life is too short to have people in your life who play blame games!
     
    nayidulhan likes this.
  8. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Netflx! I will try your suggestion. What I will do now on wards is mute the group every morning and not participate at all except to send birthday or other wishes to my friends there. I will do this for quite some time. I think this will bring a lot of peace to my mind. :)
     
  9. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you, hermitcrab! You are correct 100%. Some friendships come with an expiry date, no one knows why! :( May be because we are done with whatever learning we had to gain from that association. Just may be.

    I only wish everyone on my group really understands what exactly is happening... like you think they do.

    I am doing just as you said from now on. She will be completely non-existent to me from this moment. I will ignore all her posts on the group. (Do I wish her on her special occasions / respond when and if she sends wishes my way? What do you think, hermitcrab?)

    Also, what should I do when I hear some gossip that she has spread about me? Should I ignore and move on or should I do something about it? Please guide me, hermitcrab.
     
  10. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Saahasi, life really is too short for all this drama! :( I should ideally move on and I hope with all your help , I will move on! :)
    Just that it really hurts when you have invested some of the best years of your life along with your energy and emotions in someone who has now turned 'morbid' and who's unnecessarily trying hard to turn everything in your life on its head! :( I really wish good sense prevails in her!
     

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