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Old Story new Cover... MIL dramas... how to cope

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by liberatedpearl, Jun 5, 2014.

  1. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Hello b'ful ladies here...
    I am writing in here for the first time but have been linked with Indus Ladies for last couple of years… I have been a quiet spectator and so far have enjoyed my association.

    My story – myself a working professional, earning really well, married for close to 9 years now and blessed with an angel who is turning 7 this year end. Living with in-laws, have one SIL – married for around 3 yrs and has conceived lately.

    same MIL story – may be in new wrapper.

    Initial 2 years of my life were full of pain as me and my DH never went along with each other due to him being big time mumma's boy and other common MIL issues and I used to cry big time due to dramas played by mil. I never opened up in front of my parents with the issues going on – reason being – my father was too short tempered, he would have taken me back home and would have got into an ugly fight – which I never wanted – and my mother is too week emotionally and somehow is not too good in taking sound and firm decisions. Honestly, I never got any emotional or strong support from my parents. I being their child knew all their nature very well, so I never expected anything from my own parents but on the contrast at my ILs place, my MIL is too strong personality and is a really good mother I have even seen. She is the one who is ready to go to any extend to help her kids, to give them all kinds of comfort, make their life easy and hv boosted them with loads of confidence and strength. I admire her for this but as a MIL, she is worst one can dream of. From the very beginning, she started playing games with me which I never understood initially as I was clear hearted and could never imagined her doing so with me. All her stages dramas ended up in drawing rift b/w me and my DH and me leaving blank thinking what went wrong!! As I was the one who used to be too soft in replying them and like adarsh bahu following every single line she used to tell me. Since I never got any care and affection at my own home, I thought life has given me another chance to get it at my new home after marriage and so, I tried and started putting in efforts to keep my ILs happy and comfortable by showering all my love, time and respect towards them. Despite being a working lady that too 6 days a week, I used to manage all house hold chores + social activities nicely. But, fact never changes, MIL can never be a mother, no matter how many efforts, energy, love & affection DIL tries to put in. She loves her DD so much that whatever I do is worthless, even if I die for her, she’ll never consider my love and respect for her!! I have given up lately on this front now.

    Things started getting changed after my angel came in our life. I got to see something good in my life – my DD and that my DH who never used to listen to me, getting completely changed:). He started lovine me and DD a lot, started paying attention to our needs and slowly also started taking his stand for me in front of his parents as he saw me hundreds a time in past becoming scapegoat by my mil and despite that I taking her side and fighting with DH to do good with ILs. He has seen me sacrificing my own comfort, happiness and wishes to pamper my Ils and to keep them happy at any cost. He is a changed man today after spending so many years with me and knowing me completely as an individual. I have never opened my mouth in front of all crap ILs do or say to me. My DH knows very well that no matter what, I will never answer back his parents and so he started replying back on my behalf and with all this, my Ils especially mil became worst to me.

    Lately we had a family fight – in the sense that my ILs were on one side including my sil and me & my hubby on another. It was a fuss created by my MIL which my DH knew and that’s how he stopped talking to her and all those who supported her in that drama. All in family went against me that I have poisoned my DH mind and he is a changed person now who doesn’t respect his parents and sister anymore and I am the culprit to do all this. MIL spreaded this fight scene amongst our relative as well over phone in her own sweet way!!!

    Me and my sil used to gel well with each other – just like friends/sisters. But slowly after marriage, she changed as my MIL brainwashed her as well by telling her cooked up stories against me. I guess she believes in divide and rule.thinkingsmiley Can you guys believe, my mil and sil talks ATLEAST 10 times in a day and trust me, I am not saying it for the sake of saying it.

    Coming to my current problem areas where I seek your valuable suggestions as to how to deal –

    1. Too much importance to my SIL – as if she is new born baby who cannot do anything (she is also working) and over pampering her with all the stuff.. Even buying grocery, fruits, veges for her, picking up her stuff from local vendors, taking her and bringing her back from places, taking her to shopping etc etc…. She stays nearby, just 15 mins distance, have a full time servant at home, her mil does not stays with her and she does not goes well with her MIL & SIL – reason, she is too short temp. and had serveral fights with her mil and sil. Every other day she is at our home for no good reason – just to have her dinner, for her hubby and bil - she tell her servant to cook or get it packed from our dinner. At times, she tells them to eat outside. Mostly, I reach home from hectic schedule, i find her at home. Since now we do not get well along so well, it’s a sheer formality to sit with them in one room, despite of me being deadly tired. I feel like an outsider in my own home + I end up wasting my time. I hate that time!

    2. Whenever sil comes home, my mil cooks for her but remaining cooking part, she leaves for me. i.e. I reach home at 7 or 9 pm, I Have to cook except meek occasions when I get the food ready & on top of it, she keeps telling everyone around that she is the one who is doing everything at home & I do not have any time to do anything. My DH comes late at night . We have full time maid but she does not involve her in anything and neither let me do that. Just complaining about her saying she is good for nothing. And whenever I propose to change her, she denies saying that she cannot train a new one.

    3. All of them (fil/mil/sl) ganging up together whenever my DH is not around (especially at weekends) and bullying me on petty issues :hide: . I try to avoid either by keeping myself busy with work or stepping out for some pending chore but what’s the best solution as home is home for all and we go there to relax and feel rejuvenate … isn’t it!! How far I can run from this. My DH is busy most weekends due to some of his part time job come hobby.


    4. My mil is working & comes back by 12:30 pm but she hardly takes care of my DD in my absence. My DD comes back from school around 2:30 pm, from her food, to change of clothes, to tuition…..nothing is done in a proper way despite of having a maid with her and she keeps tell me over phone that she cannot do anything as my DD doesnot listen to her. Most of the times, DD ends up missing on her tuition & me getting 10 nagging calls in mid of busy working day. :bangcomp:


    5. Most imp – I want to plan for 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] baby but my mil has openly told me her intentions of not looking after my 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] kid and has asked me to leave my job and take proper care of both the kids. Most of the times, she kind of brainwash me telling me that I should quit my job for give quality time to my kid as she cannot take care of my DD anymore and on the contrast tells her own DD not to quit the job even after having kid and she is there to take care of her kid!!! She tell her own DD that for anyone, it is imp. To work, learn and grow and when it comes to me, she tell me other side of the story saying that I m wasting my DD time by doing job and that I should quit . Witsend

    Ladies, I have been independent since I was too young. I used to give my school, college and tuition fees by working part time. I got no luxury in my life but now, I am well off as I have made myself capable of taking care of my family. I am stable and an efficient professional. I want to give all those comforts to my kids…. Which I never got.
    At this point of life, I m so confused, whether to plan for 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] child and quit job or continue with job and quit thinking of having 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] one!! my MIL has put all this in my mind that i am not a good mother as i do not give much time to my kid.... what about her own daughter and for that reason son!! only mother has to give time to kids!!!


    I understand my post is way too big but pls. help me by giving some of your valuable time and suggestions. I need them !!
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2014
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  2. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    why are you having a second kid? You don't seem to have any time for your elder one. Sorry if I sound a little rude. Your mil will love her daughter more than you and her daughters kids more than yours. So think about it.

    Anyway having a kid and then letting in laws bring them up, tutions take care of studies is hardly parenting. Even if one of you was spending time with your kid things could have been worked out. But in the current situation, from what you have written you are in no position to have a second one.
     
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  3. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Parvathi
    I was not in favour of having a second one but my baby desperately needs a sibling... so innocently she prays to god (in front of me) that "Bhagwaanji mere ko bhi ek bhai/behan de do na pleeeze" and then ask me so many questions with innocent face. Her hunger to have a sibling is pushing me to have another one.
    Also to mention that my job has got flexi working hours i.e. work from home. i use this option many a times to give quality time to my kid.
     
  4. han412

    han412 Gold IL'ite

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    You can NEVER match upto your MIL daughter. No one can. Can you love some other child more than your own?
    Well I cant comment on a Joint family scenario but that is exactly what my mom says. She says my younger days were tough and now I want to relax, my child rearing days are over. I will play with my grandchildren, teach them but I am not upto taking care of them.
    Whats wrong with your MIL telling you she is not upto taking care of your 2nd child. How old is your MIL? maybe she has health issues? Playing for sometime and being responsible all the time are 2 different things.
    Oh and I am a SAHM and my SIL is a working woman but for my MIL she gives much more time to her kids, is a better mom blah blah blah.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2014
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  5. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    I don't see any problem in planning for second kid. Its your MIL's way of making you feel guilty and you are falling in the trap.

    These days, almost every lady is working full time and you are no exception. But almost everyone plans for kids also! Every child brings in his/her own fortune. Please do not feel guilty over anything and accept that you'll always have time constraints.

    These days not many moms can give 24 hrs to their kids like in old times. Many return to work after 2-3 months of delivery..!! This does not make them a bad mother at all!

    Please do not throw away your ~10 years career for these silly remarks. Train your maid to take your DD to tuitions regularly. For second kid, you can hire extra help/ day care.

    Remember, studies show than working mothers have more disciplined kids with equal amount of pampering and responsibility than molly-coddled kids (no offence to housewives/ SAHMs).

    Every mother loves her kids.. Working/ Non working does not make any difference!
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Stop trying to please people who can't be pleased.

    1) Don't bother about how Sil is treated. Her daughter...her problem.As long as she is not asking you to treat her like princess....don't bother.If she expects you to do it too...don't.She is an adult and should be treated like one. You are not on good terms...you don't have to sit with her and entertain her. Acknowledge her presence and move away .Do your own thing. Stop trying to please people.

    2)Stop trying to please mil. If she says she does all the work...let her do it.
    Give your instruction to the maid. If you have to cook...involve her in chopping and helping in the kitchen.You are also in the house like your mil.She got married and came from outside...so did you. Make your place there or move out and make a home for yourself.

    3) If they gang up against you...it is domestic abuse. Your husband is not around to help. Tell him to either get it stopped or get you a new place. You can't be a good wife and good dil in a bad home. Get over this compulsion to be good. Just because you feel you didn't get your due in your parental home doesn't mean you will sacrifice yourself hoping for a miraculous change in the marital home.

    4) Don't expect your mil to baby sit your DD...make some other arrangement. Get the maid to help out .Once your sil has a baby...your mil will have even less time for your DD.Make separate arrangement.

    5) Don't expect your mil to take care of your children. Think like a mother who lives in a nuclear family.Solve the problem like other working women do.

    As for daughter asking for a sibling...your sil will have a baby soon. You may not get along well.....they may.
    A child is a big responsibility...not a toy for the elder child. Have one only if you can do justice to the second child.
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    First thing first... It is not your home. It is your husband's home, where you are staying.
    It is the home where your SIL was raised up. She will have all the freedoms and luxuries in her mother's home. Just because you are living there, doesn't mean it is your own home.

    Other persons' home is just a house for us. We can stay there, but finding happiness and peace in our stay with others in their house is temporary.

    If you are earning good, and you can work towards your kid and her life alone, then go to a separate home. That will be yours. At least your kid can live a life at her own home by seeing happy and respected parents.

    How long can someone adjust like this despite of being financially independence.

    Give 2 open choices to your H. Either make sure that you are treated as a special guest at his parents' home, or have his own home for his immediate family.

    It seems your ILs are not your dependents. They have a maid too. Further SIL stays close by. Look for a home close by, and live your own life happily at least from now onwards.

    If ILs need help from you after a while, you can think of moving there. But that time, they will become your dependents, so less issues.
     
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  8. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    thanks beingloved and yellomango for your time....and valuable comments here.

    you are right, i also know that i should not be pleasing those who doesnt value it all the time but somehow my de-fault set up is like this... .it will take conscious hard efforts to change my nature. I am trying to work on it... my DH scolds me at time for being too nice.... but i just can't help it doh1

    I am not expecting my mil to take care of my kid but she is the one who keeps on giving me lectures all the time, stopping me in doing whatever i want to do indepently without involving/discussing with her - to prove me wrong & indirectly taunting and cursing me for what all i do. If i do it without discussing with her then she makes a point to mess it up in all possible ways and means to show that i am good for nothing and cannot take any decision. for eg. - i opted for home tution for my kid, she started kind of scolding me saying she cannot go out as she cannot leave home when an outsider is there while the matter of fact is maid is there, the girld whom i appointed as home tutor is a well known girl by my family members (lives 2 blocks away) also, my fil comes back by that time, so what's the prob., she can go wherever she wants but NO, she made a big fuss out of it and bound me to send my daughter out for tution.
    i do not have a cook. i do the cooking in the mrng and than at evening. Mostly, i reach back home at decet time where in i can cook and give time to my kid once she return from her study class. it is only afternoon time when my kid needs little attention in terms of eating afternoon food and going to study class (all by herself) on time. Is it too much to expect?? What's the point and meaning of living together when a grandparent can not take care just this much - that too not alone, along with a domestic help!! I really do not bother my mil at all and stretch myself more than possible to make sure she enjoys her freedome and comfort zone. What's the point letting her take all the lime lite and false appreciations when she really do not do anything and on top of it, shows my wrong picture to our relative saying that i do not do anything at home as i do not have any time :evil:
     
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  9. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV
    I am sorry but do not buy your statement that it is not my home. If it’s true, then why I am here?

    In India, after marriage, every girl leaves the home where she is born and goes to her husband's place which becomes her new home. With this feeling, no girl can adapt her new place!! At least in India, this is the culture.

    I am contributing every month financially, emotionally and physically to this home (which is my home). I do not care about my mom's house the way I care and about this house where I live. If this is not my home, this is not even my mil's home.... right?? If I am an outsider, she is also an outsider.

    We can easily afford to shift but I am not from a family where such things are digested easily. Staying separate can only happen in extreme situation after which there will remain absolutely NO contact and concern b/w us. I am not a home breaker!!

    And just to clarity, I have hired a full time maid and I am bearing all the expenses at home - not my ILs. I have made this arrangement to make life for all of us little easy. My ILs are earning and so, they do not need anything from us but still they DO expect and ASK for our contribution which we happily do. They DO expect us (and at times tell me directly or indirectly) to pamper my SIL and mil with gifts and outings, which I more than my husband do....... In short, i try and fulfill all their desires with smile, then is it too much if I expect little bit from my mil for my kid, who is her Granddaughter too?? She is not only my DD, her Grand Child but her son’s DD as well!!
     
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  10. RedRuby

    RedRuby Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    might be a weird question but i understood you knew your SIl before marriage? coz you said before your relationship was like sisses and afterwards it freezed down du to Mils interference. Was yours love marriage or how comes it you where that much close to Sil?

    1. Do not consider women who prefer to live in nuclear families and stay seperatet from IL´s as homebreaker.
    2. Dont expect your Mil to love and pamper you or give same importance or attention as she gives to your Sil, she is her daughter.... might sound harsh but thats reality and the faster you stop hoping the sooner your hurtings coz of it will stop.
    3. If you plan for second child please dont do coz your daughter wanted a sibbling, but i guess actually thats not the real reason you added coz its really cute (it indeed is) anywhays if you go for a second child decide only with your husband together - with no one else! IF you plan for a second child make sure you arrange everything in a way you can remain independency. I agree with the others who mentiond yur Mil will have less time for your kids after your Sil child is born - so be aware of it and plan in advance.
    4. Dont do things coz you expect something in return.....
    Once a friend told me to do something good for a person, may it be favour or anything else is like throwing a gift peasecully into a river and simply devoting it, the river will take it slowly away... and it will never come back again.. always keep that picture in mind whenever you do something for anyone.
    That leads to 5.: Dont do things and feel later you deserved something for it or feel exploited used or anything bad, if it leaves bad taste for you just simply DONT DO IT
    6. You said your hubby changed a lot to the positive, which is great. If he protects you in front of IL´s what is making you hesitant to inform him that you are bullied and they gang up at the weekends`? inform him and say you wish for peacefull solution, you beliefe they shud be happy but you also deserve happyness.
    7. Tell your child clear borderline that she has to listen to maid. If your maid is trustworthy and you are asure she can handle a child very well allow her lil punishments which you inform her to do for specific things daughter does, your DD needs to listen to the person who is taking care of her, its important for her education she visits tuition and studies well (thats affecting her future so be taking very seriously). For example tell maid she is allowed to tell DD she wont be allowed to play with favourite toy or not given any sweets if she doesnt do but if she does she will get this sweet etc. ... (just per your wish)
    8. If i understood right and you pay for the maid decide by yourself if you want to keep her or need a better / different one, your money your choice, train next one yourself or inform this one what you need and how to be done. Dont be shy, its your money and your right. If you cook alone let her help you in kitchen with cutting veggies etc. as your DD is 7 (if i remember right) you can ask her to put plates on table for example (lil task for lil kid), dont be shy too to involve other ladies who are arround (Mil, Sil...) if this wud coz clashes and you have less stress without them helping just skip it and ignore them.
    9. You are a selfmade woman, be proud of yourself! You dont need anyones nice words of appreciation to know you are able to work hard and be successfull :) be proud and happy :) :cheers

    Edit: This all is just my 5 :my2cents maybe nothing of it is of use for you, just you know your exact situation
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2014
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