Old Story new Cover... MIL dramas... how to cope

Hello b'ful ladies here...
I am writing in here for the first time but have been linked with Indus Ladies for last couple of years… I have been a quiet spectator and so far have enjoyed my association.

My story – myself a working professional, earning really well, married for close to 9 years now and blessed with an angel who is turning 7 this year end. Living with in-laws, have one SIL – married for around 3 yrs and has conceived lately.

same MIL story – may be in new wrapper.

Initial 2 years of my life were full of pain as me and my DH never went along with each other due to him being big time mumma's boy and other common MIL issues and I used to cry big time due to dramas played by mil. I never opened up in front of my parents with the issues going on – reason being – my father was too short tempered, he would have taken me back home and would have got into an ugly fight – which I never wanted – and my mother is too week emotionally and somehow is not too good in taking sound and firm decisions. Honestly, I never got any emotional or strong support from my parents. I being their child knew all their nature very well, so I never expected anything from my own parents but on the contrast at my ILs place, my MIL is too strong personality and is a really good mother I have even seen. She is the one who is ready to go to any extend to help her kids, to give them all kinds of comfort, make their life easy and hv boosted them with loads of confidence and strength. I admire her for this but as a MIL, she is worst one can dream of. From the very beginning, she started playing games with me which I never understood initially as I was clear hearted and could never imagined her doing so with me. All her stages dramas ended up in drawing rift b/w me and my DH and me leaving blank thinking what went wrong!! As I was the one who used to be too soft in replying them and like adarsh bahu following every single line she used to tell me. Since I never got any care and affection at my own home, I thought life has given me another chance to get it at my new home after marriage and so, I tried and started putting in efforts to keep my ILs happy and comfortable by showering all my love, time and respect towards them. Despite being a working lady that too 6 days a week, I used to manage all house hold chores + social activities nicely. But, fact never changes, MIL can never be a mother, no matter how many efforts, energy, love & affection DIL tries to put in. She loves her DD so much that whatever I do is worthless, even if I die for her, she’ll never consider my love and respect for her!! I have given up lately on this front now.

Things started getting changed after my angel came in our life. I got to see something good in my life – my DD and that my DH who never used to listen to me, getting completely changed. He started lovine me and DD a lot, started paying attention to our needs and slowly also started taking his stand for me in front of his parents as he saw me hundreds a time in past becoming scapegoat by my mil and despite that I taking her side and fighting with DH to do good with ILs. He has seen me sacrificing my own comfort, happiness and wishes to pamper my Ils and to keep them happy at any cost. He is a changed man today after spending so many years with me and knowing me completely as an individual. I have never opened my mouth in front of all crap ILs do or say to me. My DH knows very well that no matter what, I will never answer back his parents and so he started replying back on my behalf and with all this, my Ils especially mil became worst to me.

Lately we had a family fight – in the sense that my ILs were on one side including my sil and me & my hubby on another. It was a fuss created by my MIL which my DH knew and that’s how he stopped talking to her and all those who supported her in that drama. All in family went against me that I have poisoned my DH mind and he is a changed person now who doesn’t respect his parents and sister anymore and I am the culprit to do all this. MIL spreaded this fight scene amongst our relative as well over phone in her own sweet way!!!

Me and my sil used to gel well with each other – just like friends/sisters. But slowly after marriage, she changed as my MIL brainwashed her as well by telling her cooked up stories against me. I guess she believes in divide and rule.thinkingsmiley Can you guys believe, my mil and sil talks ATLEAST 10 times in a day and trust me, I am not saying it for the sake of saying it.

Coming to my current problem areas where I seek your valuable suggestions as to how to deal –

1. Too much importance to my SIL – as if she is new born baby who cannot do anything (she is also working) and over pampering her with all the stuff.. Even buying grocery, fruits, veges for her, picking up her stuff from local vendors, taking her and bringing her back from places, taking her to shopping etc etc…. She stays nearby, just 15 mins distance, have a full time servant at home, her mil does not stays with her and she does not goes well with her MIL & SIL – reason, she is too short temp. and had serveral fights with her mil and sil. Every other day she is at our home for no good reason – just to have her dinner, for her hubby and bil - she tell her servant to cook or get it packed from our dinner. At times, she tells them to eat outside. Mostly, I reach home from hectic schedule, i find her at home. Since now we do not get well along so well, it’s a sheer formality to sit with them in one room, despite of me being deadly tired. I feel like an outsider in my own home + I end up wasting my time. I hate that time!

2. Whenever sil comes home, my mil cooks for her but remaining cooking part, she leaves for me. i.e. I reach home at 7 or 9 pm, I Have to cook except meek occasions when I get the food ready & on top of it, she keeps telling everyone around that she is the one who is doing everything at home & I do not have any time to do anything. My DH comes late at night . We have full time maid but she does not involve her in anything and neither let me do that. Just complaining about her saying she is good for nothing. And whenever I propose to change her, she denies saying that she cannot train a new one.

3. All of them (fil/mil/sl) ganging up together whenever my DH is not around (especially at weekends) and bullying me on petty issues :hide: . I try to avoid either by keeping myself busy with work or stepping out for some pending chore but what’s the best solution as home is home for all and we go there to relax and feel rejuvenate … isn’t it!! How far I can run from this. My DH is busy most weekends due to some of his part time job come hobby.

4. My mil is working & comes back by 12:30 pm but she hardly takes care of my DD in my absence. My DD comes back from school around 2:30 pm, from her food, to change of clothes, to tuition…..nothing is done in a proper way despite of having a maid with her and she keeps tell me over phone that she cannot do anything as my DD doesnot listen to her. Most of the times, DD ends up missing on her tuition & me getting 10 nagging calls in mid of busy working day. :bangcomp:

5. Most imp – I want to plan for 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] baby but my mil has openly told me her intentions of not looking after my 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] kid and has asked me to leave my job and take proper care of both the kids. Most of the times, she kind of brainwash me telling me that I should quit my job for give quality time to my kid as she cannot take care of my DD anymore and on the contrast tells her own DD not to quit the job even after having kid and she is there to take care of her kid!!! She tell her own DD that for anyone, it is imp. To work, learn and grow and when it comes to me, she tell me other side of the story saying that I m wasting my DD time by doing job and that I should quit . Witsend

Ladies, I have been independent since I was too young. I used to give my school, college and tuition fees by working part time. I got no luxury in my life but now, I am well off as I have made myself capable of taking care of my family. I am stable and an efficient professional. I want to give all those comforts to my kids…. Which I never got.
At this point of life, I m so confused, whether to plan for 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] child and quit job or continue with job and quit thinking of having 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] one!! my MIL has put all this in my mind that i am not a good mother as i do not give much time to my kid.... what about her own daughter and for that reason son!! only mother has to give time to kids!!!


I understand my post is way too big but pls. help me by giving some of your valuable time and suggestions. I need them !!

 

Hi Parvathi
I was not in favour of having a second one but my baby desperately needs a sibling... so innocently she prays to god (in front of me) that "Bhagwaanji mere ko bhi ek bhai/behan de do na pleeeze" and then ask me so many questions with innocent face. Her hunger to have a sibling is pushing me to have another one.
Also to mention that my job has got flexi working hours i.e. work from home. i use this option many a times to give quality time to my kid.

 

thanks beingloved and yellomango for your time....and valuable comments here.

you are right, i also know that i should not be pleasing those who doesnt value it all the time but somehow my de-fault set up is like this... .it will take conscious hard efforts to change my nature. I am trying to work on it... my DH scolds me at time for being too nice.... but i just can't help it doh1

I am not expecting my mil to take care of my kid but she is the one who keeps on giving me lectures all the time, stopping me in doing whatever i want to do indepently without involving/discussing with her - to prove me wrong & indirectly taunting and cursing me for what all i do. If i do it without discussing with her then she makes a point to mess it up in all possible ways and means to show that i am good for nothing and cannot take any decision. for eg. - i opted for home tution for my kid, she started kind of scolding me saying she cannot go out as she cannot leave home when an outsider is there while the matter of fact is maid is there, the girld whom i appointed as home tutor is a well known girl by my family members (lives 2 blocks away) also, my fil comes back by that time, so what's the prob., she can go wherever she wants but NO, she made a big fuss out of it and bound me to send my daughter out for tution.
i do not have a cook. i do the cooking in the mrng and than at evening. Mostly, i reach back home at decet time where in i can cook and give time to my kid once she return from her study class. it is only afternoon time when my kid needs little attention in terms of eating afternoon food and going to study class (all by herself) on time. Is it too much to expect?? What's the point and meaning of living together when a grandparent can not take care just this much - that too not alone, along with a domestic help!! I really do not bother my mil at all and stretch myself more than possible to make sure she enjoys her freedome and comfort zone. What's the point letting her take all the lime lite and false appreciations when she really do not do anything and on top of it, shows my wrong picture to our relative saying that i do not do anything at home as i do not have any time :evil:

 

Dear SGBV
I am sorry but do not buy your statement that it is not my home. If it’s true, then why I am here?

In India, after marriage, every girl leaves the home where she is born and goes to her husband's place which becomes her new home. With this feeling, no girl can adapt her new place!! At least in India, this is the culture.

I am contributing every month financially, emotionally and physically to this home (which is my home). I do not care about my mom's house the way I care and about this house where I live. If this is not my home, this is not even my mil's home.... right?? If I am an outsider, she is also an outsider.

We can easily afford to shift but I am not from a family where such things are digested easily. Staying separate can only happen in extreme situation after which there will remain absolutely NO contact and concern b/w us. I am not a home breaker!!

And just to clarity, I have hired a full time maid and I am bearing all the expenses at home - not my ILs. I have made this arrangement to make life for all of us little easy. My ILs are earning and so, they do not need anything from us but still they DO expect and ASK for our contribution which we happily do. They DO expect us (and at times tell me directly or indirectly) to pamper my SIL and mil with gifts and outings, which I more than my husband do....... In short, i try and fulfill all their desires with smile, then is it too much if I expect little bit from my mil for my kid, who is her Granddaughter too?? She is not only my DD, her Grand Child but her son’s DD as well!!