Old Age Home? Have a heart!

Cheeniya · May 3, 2008

Vysan said: ↑

Dear Sri,

Let me add some controvery to this beautiful blog!!!!!!...

"Gone are the days when parents desperately longed for sons. That was a time when girls were powerless to take care of the needs of their parents. It was, therefore, the security fear that made the parents long for sons. The situation has changed now."

How true... Now, you should be happy to have a daughter... Now boys love to take care of the girls parents than his own parents... They are ready to forego or neglect his parents... to please and accomodate his wife's parents... This is the fast changing trend... I am not against taking care of girls parents... But I couldnt digest, the boy leaving the parents on the ditch either.....

So, what do you think of the emerging trend??????...

Jhoot!!!!!!! My job over Guruji!!!!!

Veda
Click to expand...

Dear Veda
You naughty Narada! The issue here is not who takes better care of the parents, boys or girls. I have no doubt that the concern for parents' happiness and welfare is common both in sons and daughters. We can not generalise either way on the basis of a few examples.
Having said this, I'll also add that the treatment that the parents get would also depend on their own attitude towards their children. Let us examine this aspect.
A girl's parents are mentally prepared to write off their daughters after marriage and hence never feel any pressure about what would be the treatment they'll get from their sons in law. But a boys' parents, having grown with a lot of expectation about what would they get in return for whatever they do for them before marriage, start eyeing the dil as a potential threat. This is a manifestation of their security concerns. The resultant cold war takes the dils away from their husbands' kith and kin.
The problem is more psychological than anything else. If you can show me a hundred cases in support of your view, I can give a 1000 in support of mine!
Sri

mkthpavi · May 5, 2008

Dear Sri..

Thanks for your warm reply to my response

Love and regards
Pavithra

Mindian · Jan 22, 2009

dear cheeniya sir,
a very touching post with a hint of being practical too........loved your last para especially...yes it is true in the years to come, more such places are going to emerge and we are going to have an option depending on our capacity to pay ....and why not/we can have the company of like minded people in the same age group too...i can imagine myself living quite happily in one of these ,YES provided my dd is in touch with me regularly and atleast enquires after my health....i cannot imagine people like u have said exist...

I appreciate the fact that both your mother and MIL live with you(really,not many can boast of this)..more than anything else hats off to your wife for this......i am proud to say my mother is also someone who has done both for her MIL and mother and i know it can be quite difficult to look after both of them the same time..

and your mothers query of have u eaten reminded me so much of my grandmother who couldnt even move in her last days but would enquire if everybody had come home and finished eating...their life is only for their family.....

regards
Mindi

Cheeniya · Jan 23, 2009

Dear Mindi
You say you would be happily prepared to stay in an old age home provided your dd is in constant touch with. This implies that it is more for convenience you would go for such an option. But I was talking about those who had this thrust upon them with their kith and kin deserting them. There are many such people languishing in old age homes.

On the other side, we see quite a number of old age homes coming up with literally Five Star comforts. The ambiance is excellent. Rooms are air conditioned. The infra structure is terrific. Food as good as what we get at home. Of course these are expensive but ideal for doting children who would love to see their aged parents well looked after. These parents are reluctant to leave their places and settle down in foreign countries.

You are perfectly right about these old people. They would be concerned with our eating even if they become so sick that they have to be fed intravenously!
Sri

ojaantrik · Jan 27, 2009

Dear Sri:

I agree with every word you have spoken. Yet, I know that your post does not contain the whole truth. Not because you are hiding anything, but because you are not familiar perhaps with the exceptions. And the exceptions can be horrifying.

I know of a son who gave up everything in life to be with his parents. His wife sacrificed every form of worldly pleasure to support her husband and keep the family in peace. Not once did the parents appreciate the son or his wife. They ruined his life, his career, his faith, his innocence and finally his wife's health.

Most parents are made the way you describe them and deserve care and sympathy from their children. But, as I said, there are exceptions. To the children who have to deal with the exceptions, life can look different. Since I have known this person very closely, I can speak as though it had all happened to me personally.

Nothing in the world can compensate a person for the pain inflicted by parents, since those are the only people on earth whom one trusts completely. Hitting a person who trusts you innocently is the worst crime one can commit.

oj

Cheeniya · Jan 27, 2009

Dear oj
That story really shook me. I have come across a few self-centered parents but this one is an extreme case. I know parents who have wage earning daughters and have no sons, showing great reluctance to let their daughters get married for fear of being deprived of their financial support. But the case that you have mentioned is indeed cruel. We have not been told the rationale behind the parents' actions. If they did it for some sadistic pleasure, they can never be pardoned. In the light of this incident, I can fathom the depth of anguish that Caesar must have felt when stabbed by Brutus. Your words "Hitting a person who trusts you innocently is the worst crime one can commit." say it all!
Sri

iyerviji · Feb 26, 2012

My dear Anna

A very thought provoking post. Your mother was very lucky that you were there to take care of her. You will get her blessings always. In old age only they require some support especially when they are not so healthy. She has also been a loving mother to you taking care of you. I am so glad to hear that you go to old age homes and talk to them.

Actually when old people are at home they take care of everything and the children also grow with good values. In Modern age both the parents are working and it is the grandparents who take care of their children and teach them good culture etc.

As Srini has mentioned I also feel that we should do our duty and should not expect anything from younger generation. Times have changed now , children have tension of their work place, their family, so as far as possible we parents should not give them problems because of us and as far as possible take care of ourselves , only thing God should give us good health to pull on our lives.

My niece's father in law's father completed 100 years last year. He is hale and hearty only he cant hear properly. His son and daughter in law look after him very nicely, especially daughter in law. He is lucky to have a daughter in law like her.

We also did not want to give trouble to my son , so before his marriage only we brought a house for him as we had only one room , kitchen with a balcony. Now a days so many comforts are required. Whenever we want he is there. Our life and their life are different in modern times. We go to bed early and rise early and due to their work they came late from work and so get up late. But at times they have to get up early also.

One of our relative told her husband I also want retirement from kitchen and so now they are staying in an old age home in Coimbatore where they get everything and have social life too. Now a days even if children are there to take care of them, many people opt to stay in old age home because there they dont have any responsbility and after struggling a lot in life they want to lead their old age comfortably.

P.S. Sorry my post is long and I dont know whether I have posted correctly.

Cheeniya · Feb 27, 2012

Dear Viji
You have made some excellent observations there. As you say, there are two types of people who live in old age homes. First is the voluntary kind. They reach a stage in life when they find it increasingly difficult to take care of themselves and feel lonely too. Their children may be far too away where these people cannot relocate to. They may love to be with their peers in an old age home where geriatric care will be excellent.

The second kind is the more pitiable one. They are forced to live there thanks to their intolerance of the way of the younger generation. At the old age home which I often visit, I can clearly see that they have brought this fate upon themselves. It is their habit of poking their nose into everything that happens around them that alienates them from their kith and kin. They do not understand that they have lost the authority that they have been wielding for a long time. When this gets out of proportion, they land themselves in old age homes.

Growing old thrusts new responsibilities on us. When we understand them well, we'll never be a burden to our children
Sri

justanothergirl · Feb 27, 2012

Dear Cheeniya Sir
Very moving post and this issue is very close to my heart. I have seen a few of my aunts and uncles spend their last years in old age homes. My visits there have left me with a heavy heart....and I completely agree with you.People in their sunset years dont need tasty food..they want to be around their children and grandchildren.
"Dont we owe more to our parents?"
Yes sir ...we owe them this and a lot more .

Cheeniya · Feb 28, 2012

Dear jag
Some people move into old age homes of the posh kind because they want to be independent and not a burden on their children. Some old people are sent to old age home much against their wishes for many reasons. In my young days, there were no old age homes but difficult parents were left in the front portion high and dry. There was even a story of a well known officer of Indian Civil Service (ICS) who got married into a very affluent family because of his job. Once when a British official visited him, he saw the ICS officer's old mother sitting outside (thinnai) and inquired who she was and this man introduced her as his cook because of the rags in which she was attired.

This story pained me a lot and I could never comprehend such inhuman behavior.
Sri