Old Age Home? Have a heart!

Cheeniya · Aug 23, 2007

Dear Kamalji
I am indeed overwhelmed by your lavish praise! I only hope that God will inspire me to continue writing that would earn me friends like you.
There are two kinds of people who live in old age homes, one that voluntarily opt for it in order not to be a burden to their children and the other who are forced to live there for having been a burden and a source of nuisance to their children!
My regular visits to these homes always leave me pained. In fact, the Hindu has reported three deaths in the last week of people living in an old age home. Two of the dead had no one from their home present at the cremation. Their eyes were donated to one of the well known clinics in Chennai. The news of their death uncared for by their kith and kin has left me burdened..
Sri

Kamalji · Aug 23, 2007

Dear Mr Sri

Everyone i see calling u Sri, so if u dont mind,i would like to adress u as Mr.Sri.

In Egmore ,Chennai, live my brother inlaw,wife, two grown up kids,and my paralised MIL.My wife keeps coming to Chennai once a year to visit them,but i dont go.I stay in Jaipur.

Now i would like to visit Chennai to them,and u are thje catylyst as they say,and a few good friends from Sulekha, where i regularly blog.I woul;d love to meet u personally and spend some time with u.This will take a few months from now.

I am cvery touched by what u have been doing,And i cant express myself.There are very helping people in the world, and u are one of them,Mr.Sri.

May God always bless u,and keep yr family from harm.Take care good friend.Loves and regards.kamal

Cheeniya · Aug 23, 2007

Dear Kamaji
I would certainly love you calling me sri but if you can drop that Mr. I would be doubly happy!
I am happy to hear that your relatives live here and you would be visiting them in a few months. I look forward to your visit when we shall have a lot to exchange!
I thank you sincerely for your warm sentiments
Sri

Kamalji · Aug 23, 2007

Sri,

Ok i drop the Mr,ok ?:-(

My brother in law has been telling me since the last 25 years to visit Chennai,and i have made some or the other excuse.But now to meet u , i will surly find the time to come there.It will be my pleasure to visit you and spend some time with u,and learn so many things of life.

I am thankful to Sunkan for introducing me to this site,and hence that i will have the opportunity to meet u.I have to read so many of yr blogs,all the topics are of my taste,though what i write is a little different,and naughty at times.

I have post around half a dozen blogs at Middles section which has been alloted to me,and it would be my pleasure if u could read a few of them and comment,and let me know what u think of them.I know u are busy,so i wont pressurise u.

thank u Sri,regards.kamal

Cheeniya · Aug 23, 2007

Dear Kamalji
I shall certaily read your blogs and offer my views. It'll be my pleasure.
Sri

Aarushi · Aug 23, 2007

Hi Sri (and other seniors on this board),

I'm impressed by your intellect and your humaneness towards society in general and animals in particular (because even lesser number of people care for their welfare in this world).

I would like your advise (based on your experience and ability to be impartial) on the following:

What would you suggest for children whose parents or in-laws are verbally abusive to them?

I have seen my paternal grandmother (she must be in her mid eighties now) verbally abuse my mother all her life (my mom got married when she was 16).

My dad is the eldest child (amongst 5 kids). His father passed away when he was just 20. He got married after that to my mom, entered IIT, got a good govt job, supported and educated all of his siblings. Got them married off. All this took place over 15-18 years.

50% of the time my granny would come to live with us. She would make life hell for all of us but specially for my mother. She never spoke nicely to my mom or any of her grandkids.

Now my granny is in her village from where she refuses to come (because she says that her house and farm is more important to her than staying with her kids). My dad pays for a nearby neighbor to come and stay with her and cook for her...but my granny keeps driving her away with her not-so-nice behavior.

What would you suggest for somebody like her in this scenario?

Does a blanket solution - like "all kids should stay with their parents and take care of them in their old age" work here?

Life is not always black or white. The shades of gray dominate.

Is it fair to ask my mom to suffer more (after having done so much already) ??

Thanks for your time in reading this long note..

Aarushi

Cheeniya · Aug 23, 2007

Dear aarushi
The miserable plight of your mom makes a very sad and depressing reading. I never understand why certain human beings behave so atrociously till their very end. Nor do I understand why they never feel penitent. Do they really know how they torture others? What really causes them to behave so atrociously? There can be no answers.
But I am very clear about onething in my mind. Being a parent does not convey any right to inflict pain on the children. Your mother has given her MIL a long rope. There is no need for her to suffer anymore. She has her own children and grandchildren to whom she must look for her safe deliverance from the cruelty of her MIL. Over 5 decades of her slavery might not give her the courage and strength to demand her freedom but the fight for her freedom must be fought by her children. Find a way out Aarushi. Now that you have all come of age, it's unfair to let her suffer any longer. Your grandma had her day and she must fade off. Your mom deserves her freedom now . Let her know what it is like living a free life.
Sri

Aarushi · Aug 23, 2007

Thanks Sri for the quick reply.

I'm glad to hear yr thoughts because that is what I have already been doing. *Just wanted to get an opinion from an impartial person abt the whole scenario*.

We do try to take my Mom out (she's come 2-3 times to the US) of her old memories and make the rest of her life more enjoyable. *she LOVED Disneyland btw*

It is just that your original post (in this thread) made me think about whether my thought process was correct? Or whether I need to tinker with it..

Thanks again for reading all of this so patiently...

Warm regards,

Aarushi

cheeniya said: ↑

Dear aarushi
The miserable plight of your mom makes a very sad and depressing reading. I never understand why certain human beings behave so atrociously till their very end. Nor do I understand why they never feel penitent. Do they really know how they torture others? What really causes them to behave so atrociously? There can be no answers.
But I am very clear about onething in my mind. Being a parent does not convey any right to inflict pain on the children. Your mother has given her MIL a long rope. There is no need for her to suffer anymore. She has her own children and grandchildren to whom she must look for her safe deliverance from the cruelty of her MIL. Over 5 decades of her slavery might not give her the courage and strength to demand her freedom but the fight for her freedom must be fought by her children. Find a way out Aarushi. Now that you have all come of age, it's unfair to let her suffer any longer. Your grandma had her day and she must fade off. Your mom deserves her freedom now . Let her know what it is like living a free life.
Sri
Click to expand...

Vysan · Sep 1, 2007

Dear Sri,

Can I have the details of that oldage home and how to get in touch... My wife and kids are in Chennai, so that I can ask her to visit them whenever time permits.... I will also visit them when I come to Chennai...

During the last days of my mother I couldnt be with her.... She was diabetic and both kidneys failed and her medical exp per month went upto 20-25K p.m.and we would have spent quite a lot as she had Bye pass also... I know we shouldnt keep account of what we have spent on parents/brother/sisters. My brother is in Germany and I dont want the whole burden on him... so I had to take the overseas assignment due to financial reasons.....I came ony for her last rites... being the first son... I dint see her alive... But it was always deep down within me.... should i have stayed with her.... Would that have helped her..... There is always a guilty feeling within me.... I miss her so very much at times.........

I also know few people who being in India dont want to take care of their parents........ Also I am seeing my father who doesnt want to move out of Chennai and come and be with us, because his mother is in Chennai.... So I have to move my family back to chennai.....

So, I would like to spend time with these parents........

Thanks

Veda

Cheeniya · Sep 1, 2007

Dear Veda
Carrying a name like that, I dont think that you need to be told that the entire gamut of our theory of Karma operates not only during one's life time but transcends future births as well. Our Karma theory operates on a very complicated accounting procedure which is difficult to understand unless one is really into that. But suffice it to say that it is a very fair system and ensures everyone gets what he deserves.
You must understand that your presence in chennai might have given some happiness to your dying mother but would certainly not have saved her. I am sure that you understand that your absence at her dying moments and the consequent agony of it were all preordained according to the theory of Karma. You were only a tool used for making a small adjutment entry in her Karma Account. And that you too had to suffer a feeling of guilt was in pursuance of the same Karma Theory. No one can escape it.
Veda, please understand that your continuing to feel guilty will only make your mother's soul anguished and restless. Will any mother feel peaceful at seeing her son feeling guilty after doing so much for her?
You have a duty to your family too. Regarding your dad, it is his choice that he wants to continue in Chennai. There are several old age homes to suit all budgets. Besides that some decent families offer to take such old people as paying guests but considering the strong infra structure that is available with old age homes, I would certainly recommend a oldage home if you can tell me what you are looking for. If you need more details, you can PM me.
Sri