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Old Age Home? Have a heart!

Discussion in 'Cheeniya's Senile Ramblings' started by Cheeniya, Jun 10, 2007.

  1. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear TDU
    I dont think that you need to feel guilty at all because you communicate with your mother regularly and her material requirements are looked after by you.
    You being away at a far off place is the compulsion of Time and nothing can be done about it.
    I can really understand how much your mum will be looking forward to your calls and how satisfied she must be feeling about them.
    I can tell you this from my personal experience. I have an elder brother who lives in Chennai too but my mum has been with me since 1965. She gets so excited when he calls on her or phones her and talks about him for hours about him after that. Any one can see that she misses him so much that just a phone call makes her feel a lot more closer to him than me!
    Mothers are like that!:)
    Sri
     
  2. gayathriar

    gayathriar Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sri

    A very touching post!!! An unusually serious post from you - bringing out the loving son and a humane person in you, so compulsive that I could not leave it unresponded.

    I have had the good fortune of my grand parents living with me, my maternal grand parents live with my mama( uncle ), my aunt's mother-in-law lives with her. My paternal father and his elder brother lived in the same house for over 50 years. Both grand-mothers have a sisterly bond. My periya patti's( my grand mom's co-sister ) mom lived her final years with them. She was a Sanskrit-Tamil dictionary and I still cherish my interactions with her. The presence of my grand parents only made our life richer and I wish the same for all the kids.

    It is alright to plan for a dettached old age like olden days Vanaprastham, but to force helpless parents, who did not plan for a lonely life into old-age homes is totally unfair. No matter how bad the parents were, or how difficult they are to get along. Caring for old parents is a very very small pay back to whatever they did to raise us. That is one of the dharmas prescribed and used to be a unique feature of our culture. Now, all I can say is 'May your tribe increase Sri..'

    -Gayathri.
     
  3. lalithasai

    lalithasai Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I'm 25 years old and I just wanted to mail in my views abt Old Age Home. We are three girls and I'm the youngest. I always get concerned when I think of my parents and In-laws. My husband has 2 sis's and a brother.

    I just have one question... why is Old Age home considered cruelsome? Isn't it better? It's like kids who hate boarding school.

    I love my parents and in-laws and my husband too loves them a lot. We live a world which is different from the previous generations. I lived in a joint family with my uncles, aunts and cousins until both my father's parents passed away, . I had a lovely childhood. But the situations were such that we could live together. My Mom's parents had a tough time as my maternal uncle was irresponsible, a drunkard.. but that's life. My Mom was helpless though she very often worried about them.

    All of us can be happy only if we live life the way we want. If we want to live like prisoners of bondage in a single cage, I'm disappointed. We can do better than that. My parents and in-laws both want to spend time with us and the rest of the family but how can we bring every one under the same roof.

    When I get old I will surely live in a kind of a community where I can find people like me. Old in age but young and happy like a child. I'm sure love will always keep us together and the time we spend with eachother will have more value and bonding that when we live under the same roof.

    Please do enlighten me with your point of view, if I'm wrong.

    Sai Lalitha
    See Always Inside
     
  4. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Gayathri
    I should say that you are indeed blessed. It is a pity that our lifestyles and the compulsion to migrate to far off places for a living have resulted in a lot of people being denied of the pleasure to live with their parents and grandparents.
    It is not a question of what is right or wrong here. It is purely a question emotional vacuum being created in our parents. They dont show it because they dont want their offsprings to feel guilty. But like TDU, if we continue to show our concern for our parents through little gestures like calling them once a weekfrom wherever we are, that should go a long way in filling that emotional vacuum.
    Sri
     
  5. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Lalithasai
    No one can say that living in an old age home is cruelsome. But comparing this scenario with that of girls living in hostels is a bit unfair. These young girls have so much of diversions and a heavenload of dreams they may at worst feel a little homesick initially but once they find their groove, they are unlikely to suffer any emotional vacuum as their grandparents living in an old age home. I can state this authoritatively being 40 years senior to you!
    When such girls grow up, get married and have a family of their own, their hostel days help them to feel highly independent and perhaps to plan years ahead for their old age. Their family values are conditioned by the kind of life they may have to lead. I know many of your age group who take the concept of living in an old age home in their strides and even plan for the same!
    My thread is not aimed at focussing our attention on such people at all but on the hapless old people who neither had time nor cause to think of a Home for the aged until it is thrust on them. My personal encounters with quite a few of them have shown me how shattered they feel.
    All I can say is that seeing them is believing. One interaction with them will possibly change your view of this issue
    Sri
     
  6. Ushakrishnan64

    Ushakrishnan64 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Sri Sr.,
    Food for thought!! I am from a family of 3, though geographically distant, we are very close-knit. My parents visit us in Dubai, every year for 3 months. My children stay with their grandparents for two months every year. My father says..this is what keeps me going..Even my aunt (father's sister) visited us from US when my parents were here...Paasamalar was a sight to see..87 year old with her 85 year old brother!!
    Basically, the point is the elders crave for to-getherness and attention..My parents standard dialogue is.."What do I want in life at this stage..just your love..We feel immensely happy when you call us from time to time.."
    Same with my My MIL who used to proudly talk about us..how much we care for her and take care of her..though it was only financial supprt & frequent telephone calls.
    A little bit of caring pleases the OLDIES a LOT:-D I am averse to the idea of Old age home..

    Regards
    USHA
     
  7. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Usha
    Thank you for agreeing with me in toto on this issue. Compulsions notwithstanding, a healthy alternative can always be found that will make everyone concerned happy and satisfied. What you have been able to do with your elders can be considered as a very good model
    Sri
     
  8. lalithasai

    lalithasai Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Sri,

    No offense in comparing boarding school to old age home... I understand the difference between living in the old age home at will and being forced to live that way. My close friends granma chose to live in a old age home. She enjoys it there and she's gets so eager to go back when she's comes down to stay with my friend for a while. Infact some of her friends visit my friend and we all spend good time together. But, there are many of them very depressed. I' do visit old age homes and orphanages and I see a lot of similarities in lifestyle but difference in their future.

    The really forsaken old find it hard to accept the truth and move on, the rest though atleast a little fortunate for being able to spend sometime atleast with the close ones only crib and the one's who are happy try to keep things going on as much as they can. But the orpaned kids have none to give them even hope, totally dependent on the Trusts, where in most cases is only chaos. I feel instead of thinking of the problems around us all the time, we should learn to be happy and try to do something good atleast in your twilight years rather than wasting it thinking of what has happened. Old people who have atlease a old age home to go should be happier and helpful to people who are left to nature's mercy. Even when we are old we remain selfish thinking of only ourselves.

    "What happens to one, is no one's fault but one's own, if we can't make it better no one can." Expectation can only bring disappointment.


    I'm sorry, I apathize, I've given a lot of thought for couple of years. Read a lot and discussed with many people. Not that I care for the old alone but for the humanity on the whole. There's no excuse for just getting old, there are old people who lead a quality life and we must encourage that and give hope to live better, than to just feel sad. I know it's painful but there is no point in blaming one's family. We got to move on.

    I would be happy understand your views.
     
  9. lalithasai

    lalithasai Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Sri,

    No offense in comparing boarding school to old age home... I understand the difference between living in the old age home at will and being forced to live that way. My close friends granma chose to live in a old age home. She enjoys it there and she's gets so eager to go back when she's comes down to stay with my friend for a while. Infact some of her friends visit my friend and we all spend good time together. But, there are many of them very depressed. I' do visit old age homes and orphanages and I see a lot of similarities in lifestyle but difference in their future.

    The really forsaken old find it hard to accept the truth and move on, the rest though atleast a little fortunate for being able to spend sometime atleast with the close ones only crib and the one's who are happy try to keep things going on as much as they can. But the orpaned kids have none to give them even hope, totally dependent on the Trusts, where in most cases is only chaos. I feel instead of thinking of the problems around us all the time, we should learn to be happy and try to do something good atleast in your twilight years rather than wasting it thinking of what has happened. Old people who have atlease a old age home to go should be happier and helpful to people who are left to nature's mercy. Even when we are old we remain selfish thinking of only ourselves.

    "What happens to one, is no one's fault but one's own, if we can't make it better no one can." Expectation can only bring disappointment.


    I'm sorry, I apathize, I've given a lot of thought for couple of years. Read a lot and discussed with many people. Not that I care for the old alone but for the humanity on the whole. There's no excuse for just getting old, there are old people who lead a quality life and we must encourage that and give hope to live better, than to just feel sad. I know it's painful but there is no point in blaming one's family. We got to move on.

    I would be happy to understand your views.
     
  10. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Lalithasai
    I too have never intended to fault your arguments and I strongly support you when you say that the old people too should cooperate and accept the facts of life. I am with you when you say that some old people can think of only themselves and hence can never adjust themselves. I have even seen some old people even at the ripe age of 80+ want only their will to prevail in every issue. They never realise that they are at the mercy of others.

    Most of these difficult persons go by the belief that death happens chronologically and they always think that, being the oldest in the family, they may kick the bucket first and hence must be given maximum consideration! They forget for the moment that age has nothing to do with death. Secondly, to them quality of life means nothing but being given the maximum importance in the family.

    What you say can be truly an ideal set up but unfortunately the feeling of insecurity and the feeling that we may be considered a burden if we remain passive change our thinking and attitude as we get older. I know of some of my peers who kept insisting a decade back that they would never expect anything from their children now complain non-stop about the indifference of their children! And there are people who are only too happy to whip up the feelings of such people with the tales of how some of the children adore their parents and would lay their lives for the parents if necessary!

    It's such a complex situation Lalitha. Blessed you will be if you can live a life of your own without expecting any material or emotional support from your children
    Sri
     

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