Old Age Home? Have a heart!

Kamla · Jun 12, 2007

My dear friends,

I have nothing but the highest of regard and respect to all those who are taking care of their parents/parents-in-law.
What more can any one wish if the child is taking a good care of the parent?
In spite of what I write here and say, it is the most natural thing to do. True, we were not asked to be born, yet, we are. That is the nature's cycle. All of us become parents too and every mother and father knows what love oozes out of every pore for their offspring. In a perfect world, caring of one's parent is the norm.
I am also aware that in India, that is the done thing. Exceptions are those when they have ungrateful kids and send them into such homes.
But having said all this, times are changing.
Cheeniya, Chithra, and Chitra.......it is not that I want to advocate old peoples' homes as the natural option.
You people may not even know how delicate a situation is when the older person is not totally welcome in a household. Not because they are mean or bad...but there are many many reasons for it. If you are not aware of it or have not witnessed it, you are fortunate and blessed.
I still wish and hope that India will be able to provide a good alternative living for older people who wish to live on their own. I also wish that with time, the stigma attached to it will reduce, if not vanish, making lives for such families a little bit more easy.

L, Kamla
PS: Cheeniya sir, sorry to be occupying your space

Manjureddy · Jun 12, 2007

Hi All
Old age, infirmity and geriatric care are vexatious matters in our society where we have not made a clean cut with traditions like the west has. In the west no guilt is now associated with admitting old parents to retirement homes, though I'm sure in the past, perhaps distant, old parents were looked after by their children there too. We are neither here nor there due to the funny dynamics of our present society.

I know two cases where the parent of the wife resides with the family. In case A, the old mother is 102 years old, weak but not bedridden and adhering to her orthodox Acharams. Her daughter ( only child) and son-in-law, themselves senior citizens and also orthodox ( moderately ) are keeping her in comfort and to her satisfaction, carrying it on as a ritual of their dharma. And not giving it another thought. Of course the mami ( arthritic and diabetic herself) has to do everything for acharam's sake, and it is to the credit of the mama that though he does not help physically, he does not interfere or comment on anything, except contribute monetarily towards the medical bills.

In case B, the old parents of the wife are kept with the family because her brother, her only sibling, has emigrated to become a rarely visiting American Citizen. The Son-in-law has just retired and I dont know if its all that free time he has now that makes him grouchy, but he has started making life difficult for the two old people at home, not directly, but in many indirect , irritating ways. He constantly berates his b-i-l for abandoning his parents, not contributing towards their upkeep, making him a burden-of-beast ( "thalaiyila kattittan) etc. Its all so pitiable. I feel so sorry for the old people having to put up with all that indignity ; as well as for the ever depressed wife. It would be much better for everyone if the old people were admitted to some decent Home.

manjula

shreyasri · Jun 12, 2007

dear sir,

your association with Vishranthi is commendable! so, you are not a man of 'nothing but words'.

considering all that has been said by our fellow-ILites, old people certainly require more sympathetic attention,except some genuine cases. we all have examples in our environment of both the opposite situations-old people at home vs in a Home. i had heard of a martyr's parents,retiring to a Home- what an irony! they raise a son to give up his life in defence of the country and imagine their plight -that was heart-rending.

your post has subtly touched on a human tendency : to neglect what we have on hand and crave for something else. this is a widely prevalent tendency which, perhaps, ought to have a place in the Genesis or elsewhere as a curse on mankind,subsequent to frustration of a covenant.

in our younger years, when surrounded by family&kids, we seek a change in pastimes or socializing with people outside the family. i am so addict to carnatic music that when i am listening to Kanakangi or Vijayanagari, i can hardly pay attention to what my kids are saying. when the children have grown up and have their ways to go, we, surprisingly, are no more satisfied with music,friends,etc. We yearn for time with our offspring.

Going by the theories of ADAPTATION and THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, the forthcoming generations will learn to overcome this craving in their older years, (like have most people in many other parts of the world).
learning to engage oneself in several activities will keep the mind preoccupied all the time in our evening days. i am sure, IL will contribute a great deal in this regard in future, when i will be old, too.

namaste

Cheeniya · Jun 12, 2007

Dear Chitra
What you say is very true! When we attend the funeral of a friend or relative, do we ever think that we would be lying on the pyre someday? It is a natural tendency for everyone to think that nothing that we witness or a party to will ever come to us. The treatment of parents fall into this category. But unfortunately, no one wants to think that he could be subject to the same fate.
That's why, I keep repeating that the people who forget history are condemned to repeat it!
Sri

Cheeniya · Jun 12, 2007

Dear Kamla
Last things first!
My mil has four daughters of whom the third is my wife. Three are in Chennai and one in Bangalore. My mil spends about 9 to 10 months in a year with me as she has a great companionship with my mum who she calls as her Akka! My 95 year mum and 88 year mil have made the average age of my family incredibly high! Not just my mil, even my fil spent most of his time till his death with me. His reason for doing so was his great admiration for my mum's cullinary skills. I belong to the school of thought that professes 'more the merrier"
If you read through my thread again, you will find that I have admitted that finding an alternative place for our parents will become imperative in the years to come. I have only pleaded that if such a need arises, what are the minimum things that we should do as their children must be done.
I too have seen how parents living with their children are treated cruelly. Such cases are not new. They existed even in the last century! I have heard of an ICS officer who introduced his mother as his cook to a visiting British Governor! Let us not waste our time on such soulless folks. My thread essentially is meant for people who continue to cling on to certain basic values.
Sri

sudhavnarasimhan · Jun 12, 2007

Dear Cheeniya,

Another well written article on a heart touching subject! I did read all the fbs and the discussions. Well it is good when all the different generations living together, can adjust and give space to one another, ....life goes on smoothly....if not , like Kamala and Manju have rightly said it is better to be able to llive in dignity in an old age home!
But i agree to your last few lines that we need to stay in touch regularly, since in old age that is the only satisfaction , happiness to feel wanted and loved by our own children! Other than that i too feel that our generation provides or should provide for their retirement properly and not depend on children, except for if possible emotional fulfillment! ( seems to be a well learnt lesson fromBaghban, another of Amitabh's tear jerkers!):mrgreen:

Cheeniya · Jun 12, 2007

Dear Meena
Yours is a clear case of letting the mind rule over the heart. That's why you have taken such a rationalistic view of the whole issue.
But Meena, I must make two things very clear.
1. We are now talking of tending a generation of old people who grew up in a traditional way. To them, family bonds are very sacred. Even if they are not treated well by their children, they prefer to cling on to them rather than spending their last days in an alien atmosphere. They have seen only such a kind of life from their childhood. If, for example, you suggest living in an old age home to my mother, she'll perish instantly
Our concern is how to make them continue to live in the manner they are accustomed to. I have never said that they should not be left with aliens but only suggested that if it has to be resorted to, some minimum things need to be done.
2. The generation of people who would love to be with their children till their dying day is fast becoming extinct. My mum is the only surviving member of my previous generation! When we started getting advanced in age, we trained ourselves to get mentally prepared for the eventuality of being away from children. Younger people like you have even started making preparations for it. To some like you, the choice of staying in an old age home wont even come from your children. It will be your own decision!
You will agree that this change of thinking is the compulsion of our migratory tendencies.
Notwithstanding your rationalistic thinking, there is a dying generation to whom all you say will be greek and latin. Let us make the late evenings of their days happy and comfortable!
Sri

Cheeniya · Jun 12, 2007

Dear Sriniketan
I am happy that you have understood the spirit of my thread. As you have rightly pointed out, when I wrote this I had in mind the dying generation who have spent an entire life on nucleus pattern of families and to whom the concept of old age homes would be totally new. If you decide to send them there, they may not look on it as a decision in their interest but only as a way to jettison them.
We have all realised the inevitability of it and started preparing adequately for it. Even our mindset vis a vis our children has undergone a sea change! So my concern is only for the dying generation and not the future senior citizens.
As regards our sacrifice for our children, it is not for the parents to feel that they have done it. But that doesnt mean that the children should be oblivious of such sacrifices.
Sri

Cheeniya · Jun 12, 2007

Dear Sudhak90
It was indeed nice of your husband to have spared you to attend to your father for a long period of three years. I have no doubt that you will have the blessing of your father for the rest of your life. There is a Tamil film song penned by Vaali which says 'Neril nindru, pesum deivam petra thaayandri verondru yedhu?'
You are refreshingly humane! I have seen many people who spend lakhs of rupees visiting temples and performing poojas leaving their parents in a bad shape!
Sri

Cheeniya · Jun 12, 2007

Dear Chithra
You have written almost as my alter ego! I fully agree with you. The present generation conditioned by the western thinking does not find it difficult to think of ways and means to be proactive with emerging situations. It is not uncommon anymore for the parents to teach their children to be on their own almost from a very young age, to start with , letting them sleep alone! But such a thing was simply unheard of a generation back and if any parent tried it about 50 years back, he would have been branded as highly sex-oriented!

Vanaprastham is an apt name for the retreat! Even kings of yore went into Vanaprastha after crowning their children. It was wonderful how such kings showed us the way! Somewhere much later, this overdepependance on children came into vogue. I am happy that people are ready to adapt to the changing scenario!
Sri