Obsessed mil

I am just so so sad reading this, happylife. You really need to take a charge of your life here. You just have to stand firm come what may. For how long will you keep catering to her whims and fancies. Its difficult I agree but you need to take the first step here and stop this. I don't know what advice to give here but I just thought to give you a big hug and wish you that things turn around somehow for you.

Hope other Ilites will be able to give you some advice.


Jaya

 

All I can say is that though you lost your financial freedom and have to stay away from your parents, still if you consider you life in USA and in India, I think you should not think about going back to India unless you hubby agrees to make separate arrangements for you and your son .Marriage is about adjustment and compromise to some extent, that is true, but this is just too much.I had to face the issue with my DH after my marriage that he didn't even think that we are all adult people, we need our own space and freedom and most importantly we are matured enough to become the master of our own house, specially when we didn't have any financial dependency on my in-laws to stay togther and vice-versa.I had to argue with him for years that I can only think about going back if our house is just ours bla bla,I had to be very very stubborn and stick to my point.My inlaws always looked houses for us whih are big and specious for joint family.Eveytime we bought house, they compelled and influenced my DH to buy big one.Imagine you plan to live in a house, that should be big.but others are investments. why would you go overboard and put your blood and flesh to buy properies which you are gonna sell out and never gonna stay, specially when you know that it is always difficult to sell big places.Because they thought if we go back and ask them to live one of the houses and live in any other house, they can live with us.To destroy that possibily they played all the tricks.Everytime I go to India , I don't show any interest about there matter now,barely stay with them for a night or two, don't ask them for anything, don't discuss anything about my family or how I am spending my vacation.for a 15 days vacation, they initally had expection that I'll start cooking for the family from day 2 f my vacation. I cared a damn, didn't bother to look into the kitchen or what the hell cooking maids and mil are doing...I had to maintain that stranger like distance to keep them from invading in our life.Now I guess they don't even expect that they can stay with us if we ever go back and turn me into their full-time maid.I had to behave a little stubborn and rude with them though I am not like that with others.They think my SIL also must not live with his in-laws as they will make her life hell:biglaugh. Now that they know staying together and bossing around are not possible, they always discourge my DH to go back .

 

Happylife.. more or less I think we have similar MILs who're really obsessed with their son.
I haven't yet seen her changing clothes in front of her son but yes there's another diamension added.. where she always wants her son's bed to be placed in her room... and wherever but we shudn't sleep tog.

She also mentions that she cannot live without her son & how has she managed so far being without him... she can also leave FIL to be with her son... She just serves food for herself and her son & is least bothered abu FIL... yes in her presense even I have to remain like a docile maid.. this's been running over 6 yrs for me as well.

All I can say that miracles do happen & GOD knows what max he can put us thru & then you get a well deserved break from these unbearable folks... when things are really not control.. why not take the plunge & see if there's any life boat ahead.

 

Hey Happylife,
i can understand your position completely.
Even my SIL is like that. she is too possessive with her brother.
She shares the same room with us(me and my husband).
She sits on the front seat with my husband.

I am not saying her anything yet. Once i asked her to stop telling me that how lucky am i to marry her brother. she made huge drama out of it. start crying in front of my husband.
But it put break on her. She never repeated that again.

I think you have to raise voice against her , i know its very difficult as i m also struggling to stop my SIL from her crazy behavior(somewhere i do fear that my husband and ILs will get upset with me).
I dnt want to break harmony of house. But i m sure abt it that you can talk to her one on one without involving your husband. you can tell her indirectly like
"" u know mom(MIL), there is one very shameless lady in our neighborhood, she change clothes in front of her adult son, she has no shame. His son also dislike her behavior but she doesnt understand""
This is one example i m giving.... so u can use indirect ways.

And one more thing- Your husband should support you in that.
Tell him straight way that you are nt going to live in the same house with MIL. you have buy house nearby or in neighborhood but dnt stay in the same house.
If he doesnt agree with you then better you stay in US only..
All the best!!!

 

Hai Happylife,

I had read just 1 page of ur post, i want to reply as soon as possible....

1. if possible try different ways as per ur dh's thoughts..to stay as long as possible in u.s.
2. dont come back for sure as long as ur needed for ur in laws s( if health problems arise in future)
3. even then after ur trials if u have come back.... just u get an job immediately

i'm telling from my own experience i have returned back to india thinking we will take care of in laws.... which has become very worse situation.... i have become no one in their family member just to show the society i'm dil thats alll... i really regret for coming back...that time i couldnt calculate my mil's deeds....

but u know her...so better follow my 3 rules to be urself .

 

Dear Happylife,

I am new here and I totally sympathise with your predicament. It is unfair on you to just stay out in the US as if on exile just because of a temperamental mother-in-law! I would suggest that you go about tackling this issue systematically.

My personal experience is that our Indian men either do not see the undercurrents between their mum and wife or they choose to act as if they do not understand. I am giving you some suggestions here which have worked for me.

Get your husband on your side.

You have to be firm and assertive here. So, prepare a short and very neutral speech. Rehearse it in front of the mirror to make sure that your body language is neither defensive nor aggressive. [I have in fact once gone to the extent of recording my voice to ensure that the tone is friendly!!]

Do not get into too many details with your husband - choose the exact incidents you want to use. For eg: please do NOT talk to him the change of clothes incident. He will only get defensive/ angry. Also, it is best not to compare him and his brother/ you and his brother's wife.

Sit him down, make sure that you maintain eye-contact. If he looks away, insist that he look into your eyes while you are talking and he is talking. Set the ground rules. Start off like this

"There is something I want to discuss with you. This has been bothering me for a while now. So, can we talk uninterrupted for 15 minutes? You might not agree with all that I'm saying here, but please allow me to finish what I have to say. After I finish we can discuss it. "

Then, assure him that you are not trying to be biased. Eg:
"You must first understand that I do not have nothing against your mother. However, I feel very sad about the way she treats me. "

Then, take just one or two very minor incidents which happened when he was around. Make sure that you use simple, non-confrontational but powerful words.

Tell him that the way his mother acted during these really hurt you. Also let him know that his non-interference hurts you - you got married to him and moved into this house with the hope that he is going to take care of you. So, when he doesn't stand up for you even when his mother is being unfair, you feel very low.

Now, with your move to India coming up, you are feeling very nervous about how everything will be. You want to live life happily with your husband and that is why you want to discuss this with him.

Then, ask him how he thinks the issues can be resolved. If he says ignore the issues, tell him that you have for the last 6 years but you feel you will explode if you ignore them any further.

If you feel he will not take this seriously and will not interfere when his mother is making you upset, then, let him know, "I can understand that if you openly support me, it might backfire. So, I will try to deal with these issues very politely, but to my satisfaction. Will you make sure that you do not go against me at that point?"

I feel this should set the ball rolling for you. When your move to India seems nearer, I could share some of the things I did to handle my mil.

All the best!

 

First thing try to get a job.
Don't expect anything from your husband nor care for your MIL.If she shouts then just ignore and move on.Even if something happened to her that's fine and don't worry about that.At that if your husband ask you anything then stand up and ask him you are not there for me and how come you are taking side of your mother and ask him to be fair.
Even if MIL moves with you,give your son to her and look for job seriously.
Here itself negotiate with your husband you stay at your mothers place and look for job.Once you got financial freedom then your role will change in the house.
If you have to go some place,before that tell your husband that you are going to wear what you want and if any one interfear you are going to drop out the function and stay strong.
Don't think your husband and FIL doesn't know about her.I am sure they will but as long as things go smooth and other person in hell typicall these will not worry because there life is not affected.
If she wanted to stay with her son,tell that FIL will be alone and you will be with FIL and take care of him and look for job.Let son and mother live wherever they want.

 

Lot of times more than surrounding issues, we will have issues our self. It's very hard to realize and look at us. So please take some yoga classes and improve your inner strength. Why do you have to shout on your kid.
You are grown up adult and you were not table to tantrums of your MIL and how come your kid can take your tantrums.
So make your family happy and you only can do that. I don't know what health issues your husband had. Just regular ones both of you can start exercise that way mind and body will get some peace.
So first please work on you and then think about other issues.