Obsessed mil

happylife · Mar 4, 2010

Friends, help me in thinking straight. we are planning to return to India soon. Deep in my heart, I am so desperate to go back as I can see my parents frequently and I will get my freedom of working back. I never liked staying abroad. But experiences with mil has made me like staying here. I live here just because I dont have see mil everyday. Every dil has issues with mil but that doesnt mean one should cut off the son and mother just because dil does not get along. My case is vey different, the very first time mil visited us ,I was the happiest person and within few days it turned into a nightmare for me. I realized mil is obsessed with my hubby dear and cant stand me getting close to my husband. She tried n number of tactics to keep me away from my husband. She has two sons but she is obsessed with only my husband. She has issues with me over me going out with my husband, spending time alone with my husband in OUR ROOM, she even does not like if hubby comes to drop me off or pick me up from somewhere. Where as she has no issues with other dil, she encourages them to go out together , goes out on weekends so that they can get time,never interferes them when they are talking or in their room. She never gave that chance to us when we were together. I think it is only because she cant see me with my husband. She acted so possessive about him when we were together. I will highlight an instance about her weird possesiveness and obssession...we have a 2 bhk flat and one bathroom is attached to bedroom while other is not. She uses the other one which is not attached.My husband was not feeling well and slept in another room which mil uses as it is little quiet. Mil took a bath, wrapped in a towel and straight went in the same room, locked it and came out only after she changed all clothes. The whole time my hubby was sleeping there and she knew about it. I was fuming the whole time as she could have used other room to change clothes. Her 35 year old son was sleeping there and she did not think once that what her grown up son gets up and sees her naked ! I dont even know if I am thinking straight. There was no one except me and my little boy in the whole flat. This was just a small incident and there are many more but I dont want to discuss them here.
Now I am going crazy over the idea of returning back and start living with her again. She intrudes in every small matter right from when we should sleep and when we should get up, when and where we should go out. She even tells maids to get a holiday so that I can be in the kitchen whole time and do all housework and she gets her son all for herself. She doesnt like if we sleep in the afternnon on weekends. She starts crying and creates a huge drama about we neglecting her. Fil never supports us and just nods head or starts yelling at us to make her happy.I am worried if the obsession creates problems between me and my husband. Tell me ladies if I am just overreacting.

Priya16 · Mar 4, 2010

Re: Obssessed mil

happylife,

My MIL who is windowed and hair looks all white and she is 60+.She doesn't feel any different before son and even I never felt any odd about it too. Most of the times after bath she never wear her blouse and she roam around the house like that.
I don't think you have to feel any bad about it having dressed up while son sleeping. You know in public places, we can get dressed in a minute(like where we have to travel like Tirupati).So she might have done it very fast. Once they were under arguments then they can wear sari easily right.
Coming to her visit, when my MIL visited first time she missed her son so badly and not wanted to lleave him anywhere. Since you may be her new DIL they wanted to act little bit weird first time.
But once you live with them or they see there sons more often that crazy ness will go away.
Don't live in same house.Take another house and live near by.
Just my 2Cents.

happylife · Mar 4, 2010

Re: Obssessed mil

Thanks Priya for replying. Mil is not widow and she never allows even her husband in the room if she is changing clothes. She will ask small children to go out if they are in the room. And she could have used other room. That was unusual behaviour for me as she generally is over conscious about all this stuff. For you, your mil roams like that in front of everybody, she does not behave differently in fron of you. But here mil suddenly got so brazen which ticked me off. There was no reason to shut the door off and change the cloths. The obsession is not for the short period, she has this obsession ever since we got married and still going on. It continued for continously 1 year when we were together. I am sure if I have to fight for my husband every day in and out I will go crazy and soon will detach myself from him and let live him with his mother.

Priya16 · Mar 4, 2010

Re: Obssessed mil

Do you have option to live seperatly?

happylife · Mar 4, 2010

Re: Obssessed mil

Well, we really dont. MIL will never agree to that. She always says she cant live without her ( my hubby). She says this in front of other son everytime. Now, my husband is also aware of this problem but he ignores my reactions and will never agree to live separately. If we go back anywhere in India she is going to come and live with us forever. I have other problems too if she starts living with us. I have no freedom of going out, I should inform each and every activity of mine and my husband to her, I should ask her which clothes I should wear, If I wear clothes without asking her she starts taunting and fighting and makes me wear clothes of her choice, I should cook food of her choice and in her way or she will not eat it. I can not call my parents at my place and even if they visit I dont feel like to ask them to stay for a lunch or dinner because of the way mil behaves with me and them.My kid is always in her custody, but the picture changes when my husband comes back then she wants to be with my husband and asks me to give her break from my son or simply sends him to the neighbours house as I am busy in the kitchen cooking food without any help. We dont have any privacy and personal life. My husband is ok with it. He never says a word against anything while it is totally different with other dil. She wears clothes as she wants, she does not cook nice food so most of the time mil cooks, she visits her parents and stays there for days and even calls her parents. I might be little jealous but why can I live a peaceful life when she is around. Why I have to adjust and live according to her wishes. Why I have to fight for my husband.

Priya16 · Mar 4, 2010

Hmm.
First thing tell clearly your husband that you want to live in seperate house and not with in-laws.
Other son where does he live?She knows her tantums can be listen by your husband but not with other son.
How long have you been married?Did you stayed with your in-laws before coming to US?I think you need to keep your foot down and ask for what you want with your husband.
Your husband doesn't understand your pain.Why doe she leave her own house and come and stay with you?Once in a while ok but how long she can stay in your house by leaving your FIL?
Do you work?If you can find some work in india then I beleive they may not expect you to cook right or you can hire some maid.
Why do you have to listen on your cloths.Just say ok and go and wear what you wanted and inform your husband about it.
Atleast you need to express some of your concerns to your husband and see what he says about it .
I think you need to check with your co sister about secret ingredient about your MIL and how to handle.
I believe you have been very nice to her that's why she was able to walk on you. So stop being nice to her.
If you want to go your parents palce,just tell your husband that you are going and don't have to take any permission from your MIL and ask your husband to inform her.Just stand up girl and you will be ok.

happylife · Mar 4, 2010

Its been 6 years now and my husband never says anything to her and never really cares what I have to say about his mothers behaviour. It is always me and her. Many times I tried asking my husband what to wear so that mil can not ask to take those off but to my surprise she found those clothes inappropriate for that particular time and started shouting and yelling and ordered me to change .My husband didnt say a word and just left the room. I am under pressure every day when she is around. I get the worst nightmare in the night. It is very suffocating to live on her terms. I have tried not listening to her or just ignoring her comments but the moment she realises a rebel in me her BP shoots off and she gets all kind of health problems at once. I am scared one day I will be blamed if something bad happens to her. Sometimes the only way out I can see is detaching myself from my husband and just live everyday like a maid for the sake of my kid. I am well educated and can get job but then she will create hell for me. I tried once that and it was so difficult to manage her tantrums, all household work and my kiddo. her son is her world and I dont think she will think twice to leave fil and come live with her son. That has happened before also.

deepshikha · Mar 4, 2010

Have you guys allready decided to go back? I would say stay in US for some more time, unless your parents don't have anyone to look after them. If you have siblings in India who can care for your parents try to stay in US, and lead a happy married life with your husband instead of going back and ruining your life and health because of MIL's obsession.

If that is not the case and its inevitable to go to India now, start looking for jobs. Before you land in India, look for a job and immediately take it up when you are there. Ask your parents to visit you to help you with your child while you take up a job. This way your MIL would not get a chance to be-little you and you will stay away from her for most part of the day.

Also try to stay detached by her drama, if she does it , once you learn to stop giving MIL & her drama undue importance you won't get upset anymore. Once you get to India, get a job, make friends, ask your mom dad to visit you frequently, stop getting emotional about MIL's tactics, let your husband handle her himself. You just try to be a smart, beautiful, independent wife&mommy and try to be happy.

Hope this helps, all the best to you!

happylife · Mar 4, 2010

I wish it was that easy Deepshikha. The moment she sees her son she clings to him and my husband never minds it.There is no way I can call my parents to stay with me. All these years I dont remember even once I was able to invite my parents and ask them to spend time with me.That is whole different issue. I am just concentrating on keeping my mind cool and have my sanity around her. Even if I get a job, I am suppose to cater her wishes no matter how tired I am. I have been through all kinds of things and really scared to death to go through them again. I dont have choice but to go back. There is no way mil is leaving her son even for a moment after he lands there !

deepshikha · Mar 4, 2010

Happylife, why do you have to cater to her wishes even if you are tired. Ok leave her obsession for her son aside for a moment and lets talk about your self-esteem here. Why do you have to think that you need to serve her and your husband all the time when all they both do to you is to treat you like a doormat.

Get a job whatever, in India you can easily hire a maid to do household stuff, tell your MIL that she can make the maid do all the work and you live your life. If you give into their suppressing attitude, they will continue to treat you like that. Forget about your husband giving you attention and all, you take charge of your life first. If he cannot see your troubles you too can ignore him and move on with your life. It is his duty too to see that the marriage prospers. Ignore him and start living. Be happy with your child.

And what is the reason that you cannot invite your parents even in India? Is it not your house too? You have every right to invite your parents to your house and treat them well, unless they are interfering in your married life of course.

Don't be meek, take charge of your life girl, have courage.

If my advise does not sound easy, it is not completely impossible too. Once you stop getting upset over MIL and learn to stay happy without your husbands attention, he will be shaken out of his mommas boy dream and see that you are his wife and not his Mom.

I know its easy to advise, but unless you do something about it people will always try to trample you. You are the wife, in the end your husband will realize that it is you with whom he has to spend his remaining life and not his Mom.