Now what??

kpavi · Nov 16, 2009

Hi Stillagirl,
Its good that u r working on ur career.
Dont worry much about your FIL's words about divorce.Its not a matter of a days job.. Lot of things should be considered before u reach that point.When your husband talks about divorce, then may be u should start thinking about the decision but not for ur FIL's words...
As of now, ur important task is to be independent...If you start earning, may be there is a chance for your husband to change..So wait till things happen...
All the best..
Love,
Pavi

vijaybhas007 · Nov 16, 2009

hi

sorry, for the deliemma you are facing, the full world faces this day in and day out.
But, whatever others say, you solely are responsible for your future life, wheather good or bad, only time will tell.
First thing first, find out what exactly your husband feels or has in his mind, through his friends and wellwishers.
Taking that as base work up, suppose he loves you and wants to spend rest of his life with you, then forget FIL wealth, tell him to get out and both of you start from scratch and build your lives on love and share.
suppose, he does not want you, play a trick,so that he moves first and applies for divorcee and you just fight it out for namesake and get some compensation and then move on with your own life and just pray for god to get a good life partner.
This is a practical solution, life is short , be happy.

sandu · Nov 18, 2009

I just happened to read this thread today, Stillagirl. You are an amazing lady with great clarity of thought on going through this!

Is it possible to take your husband to a counsellor? Looks like his brain is all screwed up. Lying, smooth talking is his nature. Cannot change that. BUT, giving respect to the spouse, not doling out any abuse, preventing others from abusing her, trying to stand on his own feet, cutting the apron strings, etc. can all be achieved. BUT, only through a professional, as he would not listen to you or you mother or anyone else who comes to him with advice. So, kindly give it one last try. If you have not sought the help of a professional, now is the time to do it.

Good luck!
Sandhya

omnam · Nov 18, 2009

Hi,

Whatever happen between dh n wife, his parents shd be there to patchup u ppl, n giv advises to both rather than rushing to pin point on u. If his parents are asking for legal seperation rather than asking to come back, now i can imagine ur situation at their place. This shows their state of mind.
Its really difficult to change a guy if he is brought-up with such ppl. I know u shd have tried alot to save ur marriage, shd hv tried to patchup with ur dh but the situation might have gone worse.So no advises for u but only wishes.

All the best for the decision u have taken. God bless u with happiness n prosperity.

Love
Omnam

Stillagirl · Nov 24, 2009

Thank you, each one of you, for the support and comfort you all have offered. In this otherwise terrible time, your advice is a solace.

I have tried communicating with my husband stating that if he can and is willing, then maybe we should try to make it work on two terms: 1) He should become more compassionate and understanding a husband as it is not possible that he keeps taking and I get nothing in return 2) That we should move to a place far away so we get a genuine chance to work on building a bond.Unfortunately, I have never been his priority per se...I am not saying it out of emotion but being very objective...His priorities have mostly been defined by his father, how he should think, what he should do, what he should eat even and he is very proud of this fact since he believes his father to be a demigod. So naturally, he responded saying that I will have to come back and that is the only option to which I refused ; all this was over the e-mail so that there are no unpleasantness. He has not made any more contact after that.

I am thankful again, to each of you who offered your advice.

indyudoy · Nov 24, 2009

LOVE IS BLIND WHEREAS MARRIAGE IS EYE-OPENER.... Anyways, be bold and courageous woman...

fudge · Nov 25, 2009

Stillagirl said: ↑

Hello Fudge,

Thank you for taking the time to post your response. I understand that your intent was to help. However, I do feel you are unjustified in some of your statements!

That is a very strong statement. There is no one who claims to understand someone else 100% , Fudge. Whether the marriage is love or arranged, it is not possible to know your spouse's way of thinking on every issue. I certainly did not analyse in our college days whether in a situation when his father would yell at me, he would support me or not, because there was no way of knowing this would be possible , is there? There is no % that can be alloted to knowing a person...I fell in love because I believed him to be a good person and that he loves me.

Again, I firmly feel that such a comment should only be made after a little consideration on your part. It is sad that even in this day and age a boy's parents, similar to my husband's, will encourage their sons to leave their wives for something as trivial as wanting to wear salwar kurta in places of saree since they wud regard it as uncultural but women will advice other women to not break a marriage "at the drop of a hat" even if that "drop" is emotional and physical abuse!!! Indeed, if this is a "drop of the hat" issue, I reallly do not know what can be major issue.

I have been taught by my parents to never let someone insult my dignity and stand up for myself and hence, I feel my FIL's and in-laws behaviour is barbaric...Nevertheless, understanding that it is a marriage that is at stake, i am seeking out to some of the wiser lot here to help me with some pearls of wisdom...Like I mentioned, even when I tried to talk to my husband, all he said was that it was all my fault since i do not do exactly what they ask me to do...so I stand helpless! I do not know how to salvage this marriage inspite of my best intent (((
Click to expand...

Hi Stillagirl, I dont understand your allegations. Because though not all but def atleast some would agree with me that when we are in love we can judge the other person's character. This is what I mean be saying percentage of understanding. Dont tell your hubby's character was all but surprise for you after marriage, that is little hard to believe. I def buy your statment on
Whether the marriage is love or arranged, it is not possible to know your spouse's way of thinking on every issue. I certainly did not analyse in our college days whether in a situation when his father would yell at me, he would support me or not, because there was no way of knowing this would be possible , is there?

But,to understand a person we dont need to experience each and every scenarios with him, his way of defending you in other matters would have given you a little insight on how he would be after marriage.

And again I think you are all offended by my statement 'drop of the hat'.
It is sad that even in this day and age a boy's parents, similar to my husband's, will encourage their sons to leave their wives for something as trivial as wanting to wear salwar kurta in places of saree since they wud regard it as uncultural but women will advice other women to not break a marriage "at the drop of a hat" even if that "drop" is emotional and physical abuse!!! Indeed, if this is a "drop of the hat" issue, I reallly do not know what can be major issue.
That is a statement to emphasise the importance of marriage but not to take all emotional and physical abuse. And that is why I also stated breaking the marriage should also be meaningful that is say 'Never take any form of abuse in marriage even if it is to keep the marriage alive'.

Stillagirl · Nov 25, 2009

fudge said: ↑

Dont tell your hubby's character was all but surprise for you after marriage, that is little hard to believe.

Click to expand...

Dear Fudge,
Firstly, I did not make any allegations on you but merely expressed that you should probably be more open in your thoughts and less judgemental...there is a difference in allegations and opinions.

Yes, my husband's behaviour was certainly shocking and it is shocking that you assume that since it is a love marriage, I would have been able to predict it! I already stated this before, that alloting % to the amount you know a person doesn't really make much sense since people themselves are so dynamic and everchanging....don't we all often wonder if we know ourselves? Then why is it so hard to understand the same for others...?
Do you believe any sane woman would marry the man she suspected would treat her badly later? No dear, they wouldn't.

No my dear, i did not predict nor see signs of abuse on anyone's part before marriage.

Stillagirl

sandu · Nov 28, 2009

Stillagirl,
I feel you must just wait. He will eventually come to you himself. He is losing a precious wife, whom he found and loved and married. When he realises that YOU are the one who will be with him life-long, and not his parents, he will come to you. Might take even months... Please be patient and indulge in other activities. May be, set yourself a time limit for his arrival.
Good luck!
Sandhya