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Now what??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Stillagirl, Oct 18, 2009.

  1. Stillagirl

    Stillagirl New IL'ite

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    I apologise in advance for the long post. Its been a while since I posted here. Thats since my personal life was going through some turmoil....it still is. Here's a round up: If you have read my previous posts, I married a man who lived in a joint family. Ours was a love marriage and I made many changes to myself to be a part of hs life. His family is very orthodox and huge (15 people live in the house together) The problems started from day 1 and unfortunately my husband turned out to be an MCP in that house. He was careless with my feelings and didn't seem to heed to any of my requests...things were so bad that he started becoming verbally abusive and when i threatened to walk out he told his father who came to me and yelled horiible. Tremendous problems with in-laws and husband led me to walk out of their house. I had to leave my job a long time ago because of family requirements and my husband's work. When I walked out I lived with my family and tried to get back on track in terms of my career...I started preparing for a life again. After a few months of this, my husband came back and made huge promises to me saying that he would move out and that he would change to be a better person and that he would no longer involve his family in our life. I didn't believe him but everyone close to me were of the belief that i should give the marriage one more try. So this time I took in writing from him that he would stick to his word. He asked me for a month's time and begged me to come back to his house and promised that after diwali, we would move out...but when I went back he was back to his old ways. When I confronted him, things turned ugly and he asked me to leave. I prepared to and then he cam with his whole family to my room and they tried to lock me up! His father hurled the worst abuses at me and my soon to be ex-husband was adding fuel to fire...I fought my way out of that room and made a run to the airport. I am now at my parents' place and it was aweful what happened. My mind knows that it is now over but I have some issues to sort:

    1) How to move on from here? I cannot forget the scene where my husband who made sweet promises to love and care joined his father in abusing me...My logical side tells me he is not worth more thought but the anguish i feel inside is very painful...One side of me does not want to see him again and another side is bleeding for the man I loved so deeply that I want to run back even though he abused me..I cannot understand it.

    2) My mother feels that since I have been independent and opinionated, I am not being a "good wife"...she blames me for my situation. I do not know how to make her undertsand anything since I myself am still trying to deal with my situation.

    My gut tells me that I should not look back and it is never ever ok to do what they did....but the crazy part in me makes me want to run back to him. Kindly advise as to what i should do from here..
     
  2. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Girl,

    Regarding your main query, many ILites will give you very good advice.

    But regarding the above statement, i would say your mom is wrong in thinking so. I think she is more concerned about what your relatives and the society will talk about you. There are many ladies who are going through hell in their life and CANNOT come out of the marriage even if they want to. Why? Because they cant take care of themselves financially if they walk out.What will moms and other people do if something happens to such a lady? NOTHING.. they will not be able to do anything because by then, it would have been too late.

    Being financially independent and strong willed gives you the strength to fight for your rights and your dreams. Why should anyone live a life of misery or shattered dreams just because they are married to an MCP? Marriage is just a part of life, not life itself. End of marriage shouldnt mean end of dreams and life. It is high time the elders and the society understand that.

    -Lakshmi
     
  3. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    hugs to you gal for whatever you have gone thru.

    I would say since this incident happen recently give yourself some time to cool down. Meantime find yourself a job and be financially independant.

    Wait for some more days may be month or two. Think yourself if you want to give your marrige another try and if yes on what condition. See if your DH comes back and want to give your marrige another try. You can tell him to find another place and you two can live seprately and you can give one more try only if he start living seprately from day one.

    If he does not come back then wait for some more time to see what he's planning to do next. Based on that you can decide what you want to do next.

    About your mothers comments, i think most of the people of previous generation has similar thought process. They are more afraid of the society and relatives and they are constantly thinking about what relatives would say if they get to know about this. I do not think you can do anything to change their thought process.
     
  4. Stillagirl

    Stillagirl New IL'ite

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    Thank you LAkshmi and Kinjal for your advice....
    Let me tell you more than happened during this fight that happened and the situation there on. My FIL is a very dominating man and is used to getting his way in life, always. He's self-made and very rich. My husband who has recently started a business of his own (taking money from his father) is not yet financially independent and since I left my job because of family pressur, there's is no alternative source of income. We were going to move out taking a loan from my FIL. During the fight when they locked me up in the room my FIL called my father in front of me and told him the following:
    "Your daughter is ghamandi (arrogant), adiyal and ziddi (stubborn). You didnt raise a daughter right, you didn't teach her to shut up and behave like agirl should....she has the nerve to talk to us, how dare she...if you cannot control her I will, I will teach your daughter the right way to behave in my own way" He followed this with words like saali and kamini (which are really bad words in Hindi)
    My husband, through out was like a prop, just saying "Haan dadddy, haan daddy" I was so unnerved, I didnt remember the other stuff they said

    Even if my husband came to me and offered apologies (which I am sure he wont) he has no way to support me without his father...plus his father holds all the control over him, financially and otherwise....So the problem is ladies that even if I want to give this marriage a chance, there is no way I can without the FIL involved....and my husband is too much of a yes-daddy guy to stand up for anything, he does not understand difference between right and wrong....

    I do not have a solution to y husband, but I know that anything involving my FIL now will not be ok for me!!!

    Please ILites, HELP with some wise words!
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2009
  5. Stillagirl

    Stillagirl New IL'ite

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    I am eagerly waiting to hear some words of wisdom from anyone out there...kindly offer advice :drowning
     
  6. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    Hi stillagirl!
    read your post and feel really sad for what you have gone through! But again I must say that you have some luck in your favour! After all, you can become financially independent soon and really do not need your hubby who never left a chance to insult you and in fact, left you in a ditch! Now, as you are financially capable, it is your emotional self that is hurt and shocked...as I see from your post! You need the love of your husband and are confused what to do! Now, to answer this question- introspect a little-

    Would you be willing to go through all the torture again just because you want the love of your husband (who apparently changes colors in front of his parents)?

    Think it over and then decide. If you ask my opinion- it is very very difficult to live with MCPs who have some convoluted notion about how women should behave, simply because they are women! Regarding you being alone and lonely, try getting busy with something that you love doing most- painting, reading, going to gym etc. That would make you more confident and soon you will attract positive people. Maybe, then you will be in better frame of mind to decide whether you really can live in that house!
    Take care...and spend some time on yourself! Regarding what your mom says, as most old-timers (that MCPs just love to have) she is not at fault. Explain to her the importance of a short life and that you can not spend the whole of it in a family that ill-treats you simply because you are a woman! Well, thats my 2 cents...
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2009
  7. umasridharan

    umasridharan Senior IL'ite

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    You are still a girl.

    You are educated and financially independent. Then why should you depend or go back to your hubby? You have already tasted the bitter fruit of your marriage. Better stay away from them my dear. Even if your hubby came and apology and asked you to come back to their house, better avoid. Stay away from them. All the best
    Regards
    Uma
     
  8. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    gal...after you explained your DHs financial dependency on his father...I think you are in much difficult situation. Since your DH is financially dependent on his father he will never go against FILs wish. From the incident you narrated it looks like your FIL does not respect women and want to control every woman in his house. Since he's self-made rich person I would not expect that he will change anytime or he will ever realize that his views are incorrect.

    If I were you I would have concentrate on my carrier, find myself a job and be financially independent. I might even take a job in altogether different city so that even my parents will not feel I am putting burden on them. Once I am financially independent and if DH shows any signs to work on this marriage I may ask him to come with me and we can live together and we can work on marrige. This time I will not quit my job and will not go to FILs house.

    However if DH still want to depend on his father and don’t want to work on this relationship then probably I would come out of this relationship legally and emotionally and will start my life again. After all it’s my life and I have all rights to be happy in my life.


    I think right now your topmost priority should be financially independence.


     
  9. PetiteFashionB

    PetiteFashionB Senior IL'ite

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    I think you husband is very much a momma's girl and stays under the influence.
    Since always lived within the family.

    Your FIL has said too much and your husband is not able to take a stand,he is kind of confused.He loves and wants to stay with you but parents corrupt his mind.

    You should move on with your life...unless you love him deadly and want badly this marriage to work .
    Even if you guys get together today ..this story is gonna repeat...
    You husband is immature,irresponsible and more childish.
    He cant cut off his parents completely .

    So make the decision now and tell him.
    Discuss all the things with cool mind.Emotions dont let us think /do straight.
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Yes he does. Your husband could support you independently if he wanted to. Maybe he could not provide you the same standard of life you had before, but, he could support you. He could go drive a taxi, or a rickshaw, or he could make pav bahji on the side of the road. Whatever! Point is, it is his ego and own lack of self confidence that keeps him dependent on his dad.

    My dh's dad owns a business in India, a very famous restaurant in Chennai. My dh could have gone to work for him. But he came here to U.S. to make a life for himself. And at first he stumbled, especially after his divorce. He lost his immigration status for a while, but instead of returning to India to depend on his parents, he took up odd jobs to get by. He waited tables. He cooked food. He managed a motel, which included helping to clean the rooms and do repair work. He painted walls and fixed toilets. And then, he went to work the late shift at a gas station, where some customers screamed things at him like "Go back to Iraq" (thinking that because he was brown he MUST be a muslim from the middle east). Today that stuff is way behind him and he is working a good job. But point is, when push comes to shove, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE if you put your mind to it. My dh has MBA from a good Indian college, but he never let that get in the way of providing for us, even if it meant catering to people with half his education or class. If his parents are causing so much problems, he should likewise supress his ego and support himself AND you without their help. I think, if your dh is not willing to strike out on his own and stand on his own two feet, you should move on from him. Reason being, your pain is evident, yet he still subjects you to his parents abuse. If seeing all that doesn't inspire him to forge his own path in life, NOTHING will. Which means, you will be stuck depending on your inlaws for from now until eternity.

    Probably he doesn't CARE about right and wrong. In which case, you have no ground to stand on. All this 'haan daddy' crap is just one big indication your dh is a spineless coward. If you can get a job, become financially independent, that would be the best. At least that way if you reunite with your dh, and he later turns around and acts bad again, you will have the ability to walk away from him and stand on your own without having to lean on your parents.

    Whether you get back with your dh or not is your choice. BUT my advice to you is, lay out some conditions. Such as, you will not continue the relationship unless he strikes out on earns his own living. Also, you don't want to live with your inlaws, or too close to them, and that you won't be forced to interact with fil whatsoever. Basically, just make clear whatever you feel in your heart is important.

    Good luck!
     

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