Now, how long do I go on like this ??

Saileela, I feel sorry for what is happening. I think your husband is being indifferent to your feelings. The best advise I think of in your case is try to keep yourself occupied with things that interest you. And don't be in a rush to finish everything even if it is not important and just because your husband shouts at you. Give a DEAF EAR to his shouting.
Try to take up a job no matter whatever it is. That will keep you somewhat busy and then you can start building on your career. You need to start somewhere....right? So, take one thing at a time and take control over your life.
In the meantime, take up yoga/pranayama because I have heard that will help a person concentrate more on positive things in life and also gives you clear thinking at the time of crisis.

Good luck and hope you sort things out with peace.
Tara

 

New models in arranged marriage model are emerging. Since girls are working by the time they are ready to tie the knot, the parents only make the introductions and leave it to the couple who chat or meet after work etc(if in the same city). Parents do the first round background check on the family and the boy. Then it is up to the couple to figure out if they would like to go for it.

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On the OPs post
Is he super-stressed out due to immigration matters, professional or financial issues? Unless he is a complete nut job there must some reason behind his cold behavior. What were the reasons that they agreed to marry in the first place?

You actually sound more independent to me than your husband. You have been financially independent and managed all the household and kid singlehandedly. Continue on the path, the economy should get better and you should be able to get back on the worforce. My suspiscion is that once you start working your husband will cool down a bit since the financial pressures will ease off. How about pursuing courses/certifications to keep current in your field? It will keep your mind constructively occupied.

 

Beeamma, this model if put into practice seems to be the best alternative to the typical arranged marriages but read the bold/underlined sentence again.
How many of our Indian parents can leave it to the couple without pressurizing them in the name of good family, lucrative job or higher studies??
Ultimately, it will boil down to parents wish and selection again.
Yeah, I agree it is a good model if it is "leaving the final decision to the
couple" in real sense.

 

Yes.. Dear Sai... as BeeAmma told, there could be some internal stress also he is facing, may be it is good to figure it out through couselling too.

you are living in an advanced country where there are many options to make our lives better, in India we are always in the eyes of society. Be strong, you have patience like Mother Earth, it will give you positive results. you are now in depression for the things happening and with no family around, I can uderstand your feelings because I too faced similar situations in initial years of my mararige like supressing me emotionally, if no response from me, he takes that as arrogance and if I argue , he takes that as more arrogance. now he chaged a lot with Gods grace.

My advice is go for Marriage couselling along with your husand, tell him you are feeling depressed and want to go to couselling along with him, request him to consider your concern and come with you for couselling and tell him otherwise it is going to spoil your life with depression and is going to effect your child. Tell him, after all marriage is meant to live happily, and leave all the past behind and try to start new day , new life which can be possible with tips given by marriage couseller. hope this path gives some change him and also brings out hidden stress(if it is there) from his mind.
Hang in there.. you did very well. out of all women who come here with problems with in laws and husband, I see you are the best in showing the patience , loyalty towards marriage system, respect to husband, all this pays to you. YOU WILL WIN.

Sujatha.

 

Sai
Reading your posts I definitely feel that you are abused emotionally.Keeping someone awake is a torture technique used in questioning everywhere.

Take a break...not go anywhere but from tensions and think about your future. Do U see living like this for your entire life.

Remember when people do not love their parents they are very heartless and emotionless people...nothing changes them.

Don't depress yourself...take action .....

Share with us what is stopping you from leaving this guy.

 

Obviously the parents will point out the positives in an alliance (what is wrong with that). The factors you mention are all very important.

Finances, family and education do contribute to the quality of everyday married life. You can see on these forums how many people have issues due to lack these factors (bad family, husband having unstable career, alcoholic husband etc...).

If the girl feels that she cannot get along with the alliance and she points it to her parents and the parents still force her---that is bad.

I think we are placing too much importance on how people meet and marry as opposed to how they deal with situations after marriage. Some people are great to have coffee with, chat with and fun to spend time with. That does not translate to a good married life in the long term.

 

Beeamma, there are also so many issues in this very forum where dh is highly educated, financially sound, parents also educated but still facing issues of abuse, even sometimes physical abuse which would have been found with someone totally opposite to the above kind of dh.
So, all the above factors matter a lot but parents make it seem as though these are the ONLY factors to be considered during alliance.

I understand that education, stable career are all very much needed for a marriage but then the bride's choice of her mate who is someone a step below the parent's expectations should be the one she ends up with because ultimately she is the one who will be living with that guy and at that time all that wealth will not save her if her dh inspite of all the above so called good qualities turns out to be indifferent to her feelings.

But will that ever happen? NO! If parents are involved in selection of mate then obviously they want to give their child the BEST one according to them but that may not be the BEST one accoring to the child.
Will the child's feelings be considered? NO! And will be ruled out in the name of parents having better experience of the world and its ways and their child selecting an inferior (according to parents) one solely out of his/her infatuation. YES! Thats what parents will say....WE KNOW THE BEST!!

 

You certainly deserve all of that like the rest of us, Saileela. But it does not sound like the man who you are married to was willing to offer any of that from the start. Why? I do not know. There is nothing wrong in you expecting and hoping for a change in life at every stage either but your husband was not willing to make that change. That is why I posed the compatibility question earlier. Maybe this was a marriage he did not want to be in from the start? That does not give him an excuse not to try after marriage but does not sound like he had any inclination and he had already made up his mind. Well atleast that is how I perceive it. Truth is, you cannot make major changes in people unfortunately. People come bundled as a package and there are minor things you can fix and change but you cannot change the core.

Maybe you can talk to him to find out why he acts the way he does? Have you tried any kind of marriage counselling? I am not sure letting your parents or his parents mediate this is the best approach and sometimes that can make matters worse. You should definitely try marriage counselling with a neutral party and atleast find out what your husband has on his mind or why he acts the way he does. There is something behind his indifference and lackadaisical attitude towards this marriage and you need to find out the root cause of it.

 

Tara, I see your point.

Just as food, clothing and shelter are basic needs but do not guarantee happiness in life similarly good family and financial stability though extremely important for marital harmony will not guarantee marital happiness.

I do not think that girls should be passive creatures like cows being lead around. Be proactive, tell your parents what kind of guy you would like. Discuss alliances and if you feel strongly against a match speak up and do not go for it.

Are you saying that girls are not excited marrying a guy who is well educated and financially well off and they do it under pressure from parents?

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Btw, I realize that we are going on a tangent here and not helping OP.

 

No! That is not what I meant. Of course, women are excited and happy to get married to a guy who is well-educated.
The daughter may be more than happy to lead a life with a middle income person but parents want her to prefer getting married to a higher income bracket guy...why? because they are parents and they always want the BEST for their child. So, the child's choice takes a back seat.

IMO children should be brought up in a way where they should have that sense to consider the practical aspect of living with a person but then not become too practical and ignore their inner emotions or instincts.

For e.g. while looking for alliances a person should consider the educational background and financial stability but then also pay heed to his/her first instinct, also pay attention into the attitude and outlook of the other person more closely rather than just mark-sheet/ bank balance. And by paying close look at the attitude of the person we can very well rate our compatibility, not for lifetime which of course no one can guarantee but at least at that juncture of life.
And all that is possible only if the man and woman are left to decide for themselves with ZERO parent intervention. But if parents are brought up till introducing the mate then they will of course feel free to add comments too and in real life that will go to an extent of pressurizing the person.