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Now, how long do I go on like this ??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gayatri310, Mar 1, 2010.

  1. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    To the OP:

    Has it ever struck you that you two were not a compatible couple from the get go? I am not sure under what circumstances you two were married but I do know Indian couples who were in arranged marriages and they were simply not compatible from day 1. They were married under lot of other circumstances such as fulfilling parental obligations, peer pressure and all the other external goodies such as his education, earnings potential etc and her parents status in the society but they simply were not compatible as a couple. And neither did they make any efforts to get to know each other all thru the years of being married. This happens in quite a few arranged marriages.

    To me, it does not sound like your husband is a bad person or you are one either. It just maybe that you two were never compatible and I am not entirely sure how they ensure compatibility in arranged marriages as I do not have any firsthand experience. But I have heard from people that when they find a bride or groom with lot of other qualifications, there is lot of parental and peer pressure convincing them that it is a 'great catch' so it would be foolish to let it slip away and somehow most cave into this pressure and get married. Some people make the efforts to make it work and some others never do or even try.

    Your husband's indifference does not make him a bad person but just someone who is indifferent and he probably never saw compatibility but got married anyways. I know that sounds bad but I think this happens in a lot of arranged Indian marriages.

    I really do not have an offhand solution for your conundrum though. Maybe you two can make an effort to get to know each other. Maybe find some common interests to engage in and hope it brings you two closer. It does not hurt to try atleast and see how it will work in your case.
     
  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    What is compatiblity in marriage? Does it mean that one person says I dont want a kid, the other say OK? is that compatibility?

    How would one find someone like him or her in every dynamics of life, money, kids, parents , in laws, work, social life etc?

    OP has said from 9 years she is suffering, that is too long

    Yes, compatibility factor is a big factor in marriage, but lack of communication, indifferent behavior, abusive language and all this which couples either engage or get dragged into, is not compatibility problems

    OP has been giving a lot in this marriage, her husband not calling her at all while on trips, telling abusive words like I dont care, eating before her even though she pleads to eat together, showing cold behavior to her, threatening her that if she takes kids he will show her hell(it could be in anger ), not allowing her to go to India with son...

    There is element of abuse and incompatibility both in the relationship

    Sheila you have been asking but am not sure if you got the answer that are you in Abusive relations, the sad answer is "Yes" like most of the people

    In fact the very reason you are having this question is because you are in such abusive relations, I have read enough on verbal abuse, the first sign is when a person questions that is he or she in verbally abusive relations and seeks answers outside. Most of the time victim is in denial mode and needs outside intervention to realise.

    We sometimes take it easy lying down, verbal abuse will escalate with time and reach a ennormous proportion if left unchecked, the next stage is physical or some other untoward incidence in frustration on self or others.

    Seperation can never be easy as it turns life upside down for some time...SO one keeps wondering to pull on with a hope things will change. Marriage needs commitment, love, respect, there should not be any place to abuse whether verbal or physical in a marriage. Because that is the start of the end......

    If a person is short tempered its also tough. You have said your DH shouts at you to make you feel scared, if this is not verbal abuse then what is it?

    even if you want you cannot speak your side because of the fear

    Friend, like some suggested, take time, go to India, even if means disobeying him. I can tell you there are great chances that if you do go without his consent or his willingness whatever he has said he will not even do ,like will make your life hell if you go and all, this is a way to control. An abuser will try all possible way, threat, anger, softness to see his victim remains in the cluthes and cannot escape...

    The temprorary seperation will do two things, one it will give you both time to reflect on behavior and show commitment if both want to stay together again and second it might also give some courage to break apart if need be , because the thought of seperation is more frightening than the actual seperation(temprorary or permanent), that is why many people do all they can to see either one does not Leave....by threat, pressure whatever...
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  3. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Compatibility means you and your partner are able to see eye to eye and share common views or opinions on certain key aspects in life. Compatibility has many dimensions to it. Physical, Social views, World Views, Life philosophies etc.

    It does not mean you have to share the same dynamics in food and clothing or every trivial little thing but the ones that are key to a relationship. So yes, if one partner does not want to have kids and the other one does, then there is a major conflict in compatibility. And it also depends on how much importance you place to certain traits or characteristics. For example, if you place high emphasis on your partner being a vegetarian or say he/she has to have certain religious faiths and beliefs as you, then in your case those two factors are major compatbility issues. For someone else, it may not be that big of a deal what their partner eats or what god he/she worships or what religion they practice as long as one's choices are not infringing on the other. And then there are social and world views. You cannot be compatible if one person is a flag waving liberal who firmly believes in equality for all and the other one believes in Aryan supremacy or something like that LOL That would be a major conflict. And then there is physical compatibility where you have sexual chemistry with your partner and physically desire them over others. So as you can see, there are many dimensions to compatibility and it depends on what traits and characteristics you place major emphasis to and what you don't. And there has to be a commonality between you two on which traits you place major emphasis on and which ones are trivial.

    As for the OP's case, to me it just comes across mostly as indifference more than abuse but I can see how one would interpret indifference as abuse. I don't think the husband of the OP is inherently bad but he is indifferent and he does not care or takes interest. Why? I don't know. I have no idea how the two met or what circumstances forced them into a marital relationship so I do not have much information as to the background. And the best theory I could come up with is lack of compatibility assuming the two of them married in arrangement. And my guess is just as good as the next person offering opinions, considering none of us have the necessary background information and also the fact that this is one person's side of the story.
     
  4. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi there,

    I find it abnormal that your husband did not respond to your 5-year olds need for urgent care.
    Does he play with your child or interact with him usually? Would you call him an affectionate father?

    Has he been stressed out over the past few years about GC processing, career, financial or family reasons? How many days in a month is he traveling?
     
  5. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Human beings change with time. Just because individuals share compatible views at time t does not mean that in t+10 years (for example) they would change in similar ways. I know of couples that met, mated and married and realized a few years down the line that their priorities had changed and that their relationship was not as much fun anymore. It is difficult to predict how indviduals change with time. This applies both to couples that got together through arraged marriages or selected their own mates.

    I have an aquaintace (non-indian) who married her classmate from college and realized a decade later that he was not what she wanted. She wanted someone better qualified with an advanced degree...She did leave the dude and tried out atleast a couple other highly-educated men that I knew of. No idea who she is with right now.

    Know quite a few cases like that in all combinations indians, asians, arranged marriage, love marriage....
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  6. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Of course things can change and people change over the years and realize what they saw in their partner is not what they see in them now. But the difference between arranged marriages and the ones where you get to pick your partner is, the latter has the option of picking the partner who you feel compatible and see eye to eye at that juncture in life. In an arranged marriage, you do not get to make that choice and nor do you get to experience living with them to explore compatibility and explore it. It is basically get married first and ask questions later or atleast that is how I feel about it.

    But in any kind of marriage, past experience and glory days are not a guarantee of future success and just like everything in life, it needs a lot of work to sustain the relationship and maintain the interest and love you had for each other once.
     
  7. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    saileela,

    You must be tired trying to understand your DH for 9 years. But don't give up. Be positive. Try a different approach if whatever you tried so far hasn't worked.

    Continue doing the jobs of the house yourself ... 9 out of 10 times. And the 1 time ask him to tag along, not as a chore, but to spend time together. Slowly increase that number to 2 and so on. You don't have to share the jobs 50% each, you can do every job together.

    If he wouldn't mind buying stuff for you himself, then try giving him the money and 'ask' him what you want. Don't feel low as to why you have to 'ask' him to buy stuff with your own money. Men have giant egos. However, once they feel their ego isn't threatened, their ego diminishes.

    Put a positive spin on this. Not talking is better than talking rudely and insulting your parents.

    My parents and ILs haven't talked to each other since my wedding day. DH and I are totally cool with it. I don't think my ILs will give the respect my parents deserve, so I prefer this.

    Try watching a movie (online movies) or listening to songs together or play games or anything that you both can enjoy.

    If he says this in anger or frustration, ignore it.. for now.

    Call him and say you miss him. If he says no comments, say 'please tell me dear'.

    Its hard to talk sweetly like this when you are not happy with your DH, but it will help in the long run. You don't have to be a matured woman all the time, keep the child in you alive.

    Neglecting your son when he is sick, is a big issue. Hopefully, when you clear all your other differences and get closer with your DH emotionally, this problem will get solved by itself.

    Good Luck!
     
  8. gayatri310

    gayatri310 New IL'ite

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    thanks for all the responses.Sorry for late replies

    Malavika: Ours was arranged marriage.We had differences like everybody does.I hoped that things would change when we start staying together.Asking for a kid was part of it.I was hoping for change at every stage.Even my parents know that.They have seen me trying hard to put this person on track all the time.Everytime its me who has to sacrifice for whatever the reason is.Iam ready to doit for my family but what is it that I am getting.Dont I deserve some attention, appreciation or love.

    Coming to his side, lot of things dont matter for him.There are no financial liabilities for him.Parents are retired his brother takes care of him.His dad was always a little cribbing type as his mom never pays attention to anything.I husband doesnt talk to his dad because he saw him shouting towards his mom.He is existing but my DH doesnt have any communication with him.He told me that he removed him from his mind and doesnt talk because that person is non-existent for him.


    Sita2233: I have tried more things than you have really written here.But may be someday he will realise I hope he does before I leave him.

    Tridev: I really dont know what abuse is, but for now I know Iam scared about him.I am living in a trauma.sometimes I feel I getting mad.I am scared of being alone and also dont like when I have people around.I have gone into series of depression and went for counselling too.Dont ask what I went thru past 3years.After all these I am feeling that no matter what happens I am born not to be sad but to be happy atleast.Situations make person more strong in my case I have become weak.

    On Dec 31st few of my friends invited us for dinner, which we didnt attend as he didnt want to , but he gave me a lecture starting at night 11pm to early morning 5am.I was forced to stay awake.Lot of times during similiar discussions he asked me to go outof the house right then.I never went out of the house.

    Very close friends have already suggested me to leave him and come back.my sibling doesnt even know why Iam living with him.but somehope somewhere keeps me here.But not now.I am losing that patience too.

    the fact that I am putting my prob in a forum means to I am clueless about whatnext and I cant suffer like this.

    I cannot afford to commit any mistakes at any point: that is his CTQ(critical to quality six sigma term).

    So my disheartening suffering is continuing from past 9years Now I am slowly realising and asking myself I am ready to adjust do anything for him but if he is not then whats the use of me doing everything.
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Does your husband had any friends here or in india?Does he get along ok with others.What about his work?Does he get along with his team mates.
    It looks to me our husband had some inner issues.
    When you said he had given some lecture,what about it?What kind of lecture is it?Did you ever sensed he is abnormal?
    If he is not feeling any responsability for his parents then he will same attitude towards you too.So he has some deep down some issues.Only his mother would know.Has he been like that from childhood or he changed based on some circumstances.There is no way he is going to care for you if he doesn't care for his parents a dime.
    My advise,get EAD find some job and take care of your life in control.By that time your son also get little older and you have flexibility about the kid.Even if you go for divorce and if both of you get the custody of the kid then it should ok since your son will grow little bigger and you don't have that much pain.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  10. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Malavika: I couldn't agree with you more.

    I myself had an arranged marriage and I am HAPPY AND SATISFIED with all aspects of my marriage be it physical or emotional but I would never recommend 'arranged marriage' to anyone because of the exact same reasons that I highlighted from your post above.

    I mean, I am lucky, fortunate whatever you say since to this day we do not have any marital problems....touchwood!! But, imagine what if we had all the issues in this forum.
    In love marriages you can say I made a wrong decision or decision based on things at that time so I am bearing the consequences but in arranged marriage setting the word 'I' is hardly ever there.
    How much time do we have on hand, to asses a person? An hour, couple of hours??
    What can we know about him more than his name,where he studied, where he works, lives, his siblings. What more? OK his likes, dislikes? That's all!!
    Actually when my dh came to see me he never spoke one full sentence except the one towards the end " I think I got to leave now, will see you again". All the time it was me telling my everything..... AtoZ and not asking him anything and he too was listening my non-stop nonsense very patiently till the end.

    Rest of the story is run by parents. Wedding arrangements, guest lists etc is all taken care of parents. Wedding over, honeymoon over then starts the actual life, real story, living with that person under one roof.
    Really, who would like to take that chance?? I have taken that chance but never gave it a thought at that time.......'Will I be compatible with this man?'
    Never did it occur to me.....WHY? May be in a hurry to get married because I finished studies, was into work and next step is to start a family and so need a husband for that......again I say "Maybe" due to these reasons....don't know.
    May be if I thought over seriously then I would have waited some more time and then who knows would have finally married my husband but then it would have been MY choice rather then getting influenced by parents and relatives.
    It turned out good for me so no regrets but personally, I would not want my children to have arranged marriage. They are too young now but I think when they grow up they should pick their spouses rather than dad/mom selecting for them.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010

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