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Now, how long do I go on like this ??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gayatri310, Mar 1, 2010.

  1. gayatri310

    gayatri310 New IL'ite

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    Hi everybody

    I need help.I have been having problems with my husband from the day I got married to till today almost 9years.I have tried everyday doing something for him and trying to get adjusted with my spouse.

    1.He is very smart IItian and also a phd from US always lived life on his own and very american in lots of ways.His parents never advise him anything or dare to do so because in their perception whatever he does is the best.

    2.I am a normal PG in computers very truly loyal to my parents , I dnt do anything without asking my parents and try to discuss most of the times and generally an extrovert.

    3.We both worked in India for 7yrs in our respective jobs though different fields and moved to US after quitting my job.I used to take care of everything in my house as he had to travel a lot even when he was in India.We had a kid so my inlaws including BIL moved to my house from an other city and I was sole caretaker of them.Even maid's payment or vegetables never went out of anybody elses pocket because I told my husband I would treat his parents as my parents.I used to pay my husband's mobile bill ever since he owned a mobile in India till the date he left India, my bank balance at the end of month would be 500rs for all expenses loans and etc.I taught my husband how to drive when I was pregnant too.I knew driving first.

    4.My husband is very independant, I have to run the show no matter what happens to me.I drive car take care of all the jobs in and out of the house all the time.Whenever something doesnt get done he blames me that if I could not do even this simple job.

    5.First few days of coming to US ,I wanted him to be next to me because driving in snow was new to me and my son was sick.He was mad at me and told me to take care of myself and thats the reason he bought an another car for me.

    6.We had a home loan in India and since we both left our jobs I got my PF money which I was really not to give to him as I wanted to buy some gold for myself from that.I got around 7lakhs but wanted to spend 1lkh for myself as I havent bought anything after marriage.He was not willing for that and said it was never my money and he doesnt like me having money as it would increase my headstrongness.

    7.My inlaws or family doesnt even talk to my parents which is hurting but I dnt know the reason why they behave like that.First few years I used to ask my DH to talk later on I left and told my parents to ignore even they dont talk.When my parents visit my house everybody completes their dinner and go to their rooms.My parents used to wait for me to come and my mom used to do the cooking part.

    8.Life has gone from bad to worst from past 3 years.He never talks to me , always in front of computer even I ask him to , the only answer I get is I dnt care.Sometimes I feel like running from this house.He says he will show me hell if I leave the house and take the kid away from me.I applied for H1 in 2008 and was approved but I didnt get job because of market so we had to run payslips and he paid money for it but abusing me each and every day for the money he paid for me.he says I did this to spoil his GC processing and Iam here only for his money.

    9.He travels but never calls how we are doing or anything.whatever I cook however good or tasty no comments, whatever I wear no comments,even if I asks the answer is I dont care.he eats before me never waits or asks if I ate but if anything is not done at home, he shouts like anything.I literally get scared when he shouts.I feel like he is beating me with a stick and prefer to complete whatever he wants than to hear the shouting.

    My son was sick and he was crying restlessly , my DH managed to sleep in that sound and I was awake all night for him.My son is 5yrs old.as soon as I wokeup i took him to urgent care and then went to cvs to bring medicines.I took almost 3hrs for the entire process.He never even bothered what was happening by the time I reached home he went to gym for workout.what kind of a person is he?.Doesnt he feel to assist his wife or help her or share responsibilties together.if I ask him why is he like this he says I am what Iam if you want live with me or leave my son and go back.

    I am really hurt and confused.having spent so much effort on a relationship with lots of patience what is this person and can I do anything?I went for counselling too.didnt help.

    can anyone advice please?.

    thanks
     
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  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Reading your story, I wonder how can people be bad to someone who is so good, how many women will say to their Husband that his parents are like hers?

    Good God, even then so much ego, you dont need counseling , your husband needs, but since you are going to counselign you r somewhere thinking that you need to change, the fact being he needs to act, but he wont as you said, he is smart, independent, and grown up to believe all that he does is right, he will not change unfortunately
     
  3. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    i feel very bad hearing your story dear...
    i can't believe such educated person can behave this way. I don't have any suggestions as myself dont know how to handle such situations. Im sure many other ILs will give you very good suggestions.

    Once positive thing i can see is you already have h1 and now job market is improving. Start searching for jobs and im sure you will find one very soon.

    good luck.
     
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi saileela,

    My hugs to you.. You have faced a lot in life.. That man has always used you.. His thinking does not match yours.. He takes you for granted.. Just sit back and think if you even want to live with this man for the rest of your life.. He is not going to change in near future.. I think even if you leave him it wont make any difference to you..
    Coming to a practical solution for your problem -
    I doubt if he'll let you work here.. Because he fears you might become head strong if you start earning.. He will definitely try to hinder your progress and it is lot harder to search for a job in such a hostile atmosphere..
    On the other hand i guess your parents are very supportive and u have a good bonding with them.. Just be diplomatic and leave your husband and go to India on the pretext of seeing your parents (make any reaason that they are sick or need you).. After going to India look for a job and ask if your parents can baby sit your child.. This way you can give your husband a dose of his medicine, u can become financially independent.. Your lonliness and boredom will vanish as you are intellectually challenged at work everyday.. You can also build your own friend circle at work..
    This also empowers you as being equivalent to your husband and don't for heaven sake give your financial details to him or make any commitments like 'his parents are your parents'.. His parents are NOT your responsibility.. I prefer India compared to US because you dont have any visa restrictions there, plus you have around 7 yrs of exp. there..
    Make sure your husband cannot even wild guess your intentions of going to India to work.. Let him know it after you start working..
    Now after starting to work, if he asks you to come back to him, lay down strict rules for him without compromising anything from your end.. Meaning he has to adjust to you.. If he cannot adjust and wants to behave this way only then let him continue leading a single life..

    Good luck:)
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2010
  5. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    I feel so sorry for you! I really don't know what to say. It is apparent you've done a lot for him and have got very little in return.

    If I am not mistaken, it appears that the situation has worsened after you moved to the US. So, was it at least slightly better when you were in India in the company of your in-laws? If yes, then you should probably figure some way NOT to stay alone with him in the US.

    Do you have any idea how long you plan to stay in the US? Is your husband in the US on a long-term basis or for some short project? I ask this because if your husband relocated to the US for some short-term project and you are likely to return to India soon (say 1 or 2 years), then perhaps you and your son can go in advance and stay put in India while your husband completes his work and joins you later? If you are in India, you will at least have a support system to bank on - the support of your parents and your in-laws (IF you have a decent rapport with them and they are at least reasonably understanding). That way you won't have to deal with your husband's atrocious attitude all alone in a far away land.

    Also, from your post it appears that your husband travels a lot. Which implies you and your son are alone a lot of times. Maybe when he is in a relatively calm state of mind, you can mention that as a reason for you and your son to go back to India? Or perhaps, you can convince your in-laws about this, get their support on this decision of yours and try to convince your husband through them. You said your in-laws moved in with you after you son was born, right? Which implies they are fond of their grandson? Do you think you can convince your ILs that it is necessary for their grandson? Perhaps, tell them how lonely it gets for their grandson in the US and how few friends he has or something along those lines. Really, if you feel things might be a bit better for you in a familiar country with familiar faces around, you should first try to get back. Managing your husband all alone in a foreign land without any outside support is going to be doubly tough for you.

    BTW, how is your BIL? Is he supportive? If yes, then please talk to him.

    These are just some initial thoughts which came to mind reading your post. I'm sure you will get some nice suggestions from the members here. I really do hope things get better for you. Good luck!

    Divs
     
  6. gayatri310

    gayatri310 New IL'ite

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    thanks for all the replies.

    I dnt have my h1 now I moved back to H4 as he had to pay my taxes so he was upset about it , I went to India and came back on h4 last year.

    My husband doesnt want to come to India he is threatening me that if I ask him to come to India he will show me hell in my life.I feel like telling I am already in that sometimes.

    He likes to settle in US because he need not answer anybody nor stay accountable he likes to be undisturbed , no people to advice him, earn mast raho enjoy karo apne aaap se bus.

    Sometimes I feel like taking a flight and going back home.Whenever we fight or has a situation to argue he starts at night 11am and keeps me awake till 3 or 4am.If I want to sleep as well he says I am not paying attention , if I try to convince him he says Iam arguing,If I keep quiet he says look at you you dont have any remorse as well.you are acting like nothing has happened.I dnt know what to say.First few times I tried explaining him but later on not talking was an experiment.

    Life has to be on paper and things to do list for him.everything has to be on list and I am the person who has to do and he just ticks the task , school application to trash and everything,I havent seen him doing anything in the house at all.and upon that he complains that I dnt do anything and I have so much headstrong. about what? I dnt know.He says my parents made me a spoilt brat.In what way????because I am still with him.

    I wanted to try my level best with this person because its not only my future my sons future as well.my son needs both the parents.but he hasnt seen us talking nicely towards each other at all.its always silence or shouting.

    whats the use of living here.I have put my 200% in my life.I took care of my inlaws all the time.My family is so typical that what ever my mil eats my fil doesnt eat , what my fil eats rest of the world doesnt.my mil used to pack lunck box for my Bil cooking either 2 aloo or half bell pepper etc when me and my husband are also working and need to pack lunch too.

    I used to cook breakfast , lunch and eat whatever is left.breakfast was always at work thankgod for that.my FIL eats only rice , MIL and husband no rice only roti all the time.BIL not both but some lemon rice everyday and we had a baby in between all these drama.

    whenever my husband is out of town and by the time I come back from work all IL;s will finish dinner cook fresh food for them and leave whatever I cook there itself.My son was left on the couch so that I have to take him into my room.Inspite of these moments I had a small arugment with my MIL only 1 can you imagine we didnt fight at all.even for that argument I was asked to shutup by my husband.

    He says I deserve a slap in front of my parents one day.I dnt know why?.for being nice towards his family.before we got married he asked me if I can take care of his parents , I said I have my parents duties so I understand what it means as my parents dont have sons and me being eldest I have to be with them.But after marriage he started saying that my parents should learn to take care of themselves as they are not kids and they should remember that her daughter has a house and life.then what about his parents they are in my house right away.why are rules so absurd for women.

    life was never at peace but I thought dealing with one demon is much better than dealing with 5 demons.

    I dnt want a life with him sometimes.I am so tired of being nice and good.
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree to Tridevs point here..but my reasoning is...apart from your husbands beleif that whatever he does is right...moreover thats how he had been treated and accepted by his family all the while till he got married..to TOP it you made it WORSE by taking it for such long time...I agree your reasons would be many....you were trying to do your best and keep things intact and hoping he would change over time (just like every woman hopes for it:)) but SORRY....this is how he is gonna be going forward too....Because its hard to change him and if you push it on him to change or do something around, you have to put a tough fight with him (its like you are fighting with an addict to quit his addiction...) it might lead to situations where he might shout/yell/abuse you..so why even go to that extent...

    Best thing..do what you ever you can manage at home / work etc...and rest of it if you cant handle leave it...if he shouts and makes a scene...PAY DEAF EAR...you have to learn to be selectively deaf for such things..or else no matter how much ever you take on the responsiblities he wont be happy as he always has something for you to work on...so STOP trying to stretch yourself so much and do whatever you are doing and any additional things just simply ignore and tell him you are not able to find time to do it or leave it as it is...

    Prioritize what is imp and what is not..work only on the imp things..leave the things that can wait...if he doesnt work on them then wait till you can when you find time..dont rush and finish everything because you are scared he would shout. Another solution is hiring some help around...pay for it...and let some one else do his job...tell him that you cant manage all this alone so need some helping hands...if he cant help you have to pay someone to get things done.


    After reading your latest update...I would say, you have to start thinking about your future life with this man! Where are you guys now? In India or in US? You have to start taking up a job and start acting like a single parent. Remember single parents wont have their spouses support and moreover they have to deal with societal issues so think your husband as the socieetal issues and ignore them and pick up a job and be independant.Job is very important for women like you, who are hanging in there in the marriage..just for the sake of the kid!
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2010
  8. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    Is he physically abusive? The next time he loses his temper and ill-treats you, just call the cops and ask them to calm your husband. I think if you do this once, he might learn to start treating you with some respect.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2010
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Sai, best of institutes never ensure a good human in that person.
    Yes he's going free/ uncontrolled as a typical successful arrogant man that this Indian society raises them to be.

    Once they feel that a person is easily available, they start taking him/her for granted, I think only way to get back dignity in this relationship is by giving him a distant silent treatment & getting back to job.. however any such act shall be taken with full care about worst outcome of separation.

    Cos this fellow is just too egoistic to let you go against his wishes.
     
  10. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Saileela
    It's heartening to read your post. Me thinks your husband needs counseling, not you.
    I think it's time you stand up for yourself. If he shouts, just shout back and tell him on his face that you have had enough. Being an IITan does not give him the right to treat you like a doormat. It's time he behaved like a husband. You are not a glorified servant maid. You are a WIFE.
    Please, please stand up for yourself. Unless you start this, he and his family will continue to treat you like this. They have got used to you being quiet about it.
    You are a part of the family and your son did not miraculously come into his world by your egg alone. (sorry if this sounds harsh, but it a fact)
    It IS time you spoke up
    JMO.
    Good Luck.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 2, 2010

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