Now, how long do I go on like this ??

Reading your story, I wonder how can people be bad to someone who is so good, how many women will say to their Husband that his parents are like hers?

Good God, even then so much ego, you dont need counseling , your husband needs, but since you are going to counselign you r somewhere thinking that you need to change, the fact being he needs to act, but he wont as you said, he is smart, independent, and grown up to believe all that he does is right, he will not change unfortunately

 

i feel very bad hearing your story dear...
i can't believe such educated person can behave this way. I don't have any suggestions as myself dont know how to handle such situations. Im sure many other ILs will give you very good suggestions.

Once positive thing i can see is you already have h1 and now job market is improving. Start searching for jobs and im sure you will find one very soon.

good luck.

 

Hi saileela,

My hugs to you.. You have faced a lot in life.. That man has always used you.. His thinking does not match yours.. He takes you for granted.. Just sit back and think if you even want to live with this man for the rest of your life.. He is not going to change in near future.. I think even if you leave him it wont make any difference to you..
Coming to a practical solution for your problem -
I doubt if he'll let you work here.. Because he fears you might become head strong if you start earning.. He will definitely try to hinder your progress and it is lot harder to search for a job in such a hostile atmosphere..
On the other hand i guess your parents are very supportive and u have a good bonding with them.. Just be diplomatic and leave your husband and go to India on the pretext of seeing your parents (make any reaason that they are sick or need you).. After going to India look for a job and ask if your parents can baby sit your child.. This way you can give your husband a dose of his medicine, u can become financially independent.. Your lonliness and boredom will vanish as you are intellectually challenged at work everyday.. You can also build your own friend circle at work..
This also empowers you as being equivalent to your husband and don't for heaven sake give your financial details to him or make any commitments like 'his parents are your parents'.. His parents are NOT your responsibility.. I prefer India compared to US because you dont have any visa restrictions there, plus you have around 7 yrs of exp. there..
Make sure your husband cannot even wild guess your intentions of going to India to work.. Let him know it after you start working..
Now after starting to work, if he asks you to come back to him, lay down strict rules for him without compromising anything from your end.. Meaning he has to adjust to you.. If he cannot adjust and wants to behave this way only then let him continue leading a single life..

Good luck

 

I feel so sorry for you! I really don't know what to say. It is apparent you've done a lot for him and have got very little in return.

If I am not mistaken, it appears that the situation has worsened after you moved to the US. So, was it at least slightly better when you were in India in the company of your in-laws? If yes, then you should probably figure some way NOT to stay alone with him in the US.

Do you have any idea how long you plan to stay in the US? Is your husband in the US on a long-term basis or for some short project? I ask this because if your husband relocated to the US for some short-term project and you are likely to return to India soon (say 1 or 2 years), then perhaps you and your son can go in advance and stay put in India while your husband completes his work and joins you later? If you are in India, you will at least have a support system to bank on - the support of your parents and your in-laws (IF you have a decent rapport with them and they are at least reasonably understanding). That way you won't have to deal with your husband's atrocious attitude all alone in a far away land.

Also, from your post it appears that your husband travels a lot. Which implies you and your son are alone a lot of times. Maybe when he is in a relatively calm state of mind, you can mention that as a reason for you and your son to go back to India? Or perhaps, you can convince your in-laws about this, get their support on this decision of yours and try to convince your husband through them. You said your in-laws moved in with you after you son was born, right? Which implies they are fond of their grandson? Do you think you can convince your ILs that it is necessary for their grandson? Perhaps, tell them how lonely it gets for their grandson in the US and how few friends he has or something along those lines. Really, if you feel things might be a bit better for you in a familiar country with familiar faces around, you should first try to get back. Managing your husband all alone in a foreign land without any outside support is going to be doubly tough for you.

BTW, how is your BIL? Is he supportive? If yes, then please talk to him.

These are just some initial thoughts which came to mind reading your post. I'm sure you will get some nice suggestions from the members here. I really do hope things get better for you. Good luck!

Divs

 

I agree to Tridevs point here..but my reasoning is...apart from your husbands beleif that whatever he does is right...moreover thats how he had been treated and accepted by his family all the while till he got married..to TOP it you made it WORSE by taking it for such long time...I agree your reasons would be many....you were trying to do your best and keep things intact and hoping he would change over time (just like every woman hopes for it) but SORRY....this is how he is gonna be going forward too....Because its hard to change him and if you push it on him to change or do something around, you have to put a tough fight with him (its like you are fighting with an addict to quit his addiction...) it might lead to situations where he might shout/yell/abuse you..so why even go to that extent...

Best thing..do what you ever you can manage at home / work etc...and rest of it if you cant handle leave it...if he shouts and makes a scene...PAY DEAF EAR...you have to learn to be selectively deaf for such things..or else no matter how much ever you take on the responsiblities he wont be happy as he always has something for you to work on...so STOP trying to stretch yourself so much and do whatever you are doing and any additional things just simply ignore and tell him you are not able to find time to do it or leave it as it is...

Prioritize what is imp and what is not..work only on the imp things..leave the things that can wait...if he doesnt work on them then wait till you can when you find time..dont rush and finish everything because you are scared he would shout. Another solution is hiring some help around...pay for it...and let some one else do his job...tell him that you cant manage all this alone so need some helping hands...if he cant help you have to pay someone to get things done.


After reading your latest update...I would say, you have to start thinking about your future life with this man! Where are you guys now? In India or in US? You have to start taking up a job and start acting like a single parent. Remember single parents wont have their spouses support and moreover they have to deal with societal issues so think your husband as the socieetal issues and ignore them and pick up a job and be independant.Job is very important for women like you, who are hanging in there in the marriage..just for the sake of the kid!

 

Is he physically abusive? The next time he loses his temper and ill-treats you, just call the cops and ask them to calm your husband. I think if you do this once, he might learn to start treating you with some respect.

 

Sai, best of institutes never ensure a good human in that person.
Yes he's going free/ uncontrolled as a typical successful arrogant man that this Indian society raises them to be.

Once they feel that a person is easily available, they start taking him/her for granted, I think only way to get back dignity in this relationship is by giving him a distant silent treatment & getting back to job.. however any such act shall be taken with full care about worst outcome of separation.

Cos this fellow is just too egoistic to let you go against his wishes.

 

Hi Saileela
It's heartening to read your post. Me thinks your husband needs counseling, not you.
I think it's time you stand up for yourself. If he shouts, just shout back and tell him on his face that you have had enough. Being an IITan does not give him the right to treat you like a doormat. It's time he behaved like a husband. You are not a glorified servant maid. You are a WIFE.
Please, please stand up for yourself. Unless you start this, he and his family will continue to treat you like this. They have got used to you being quiet about it.
You are a part of the family and your son did not miraculously come into his world by your egg alone. (sorry if this sounds harsh, but it a fact)
It IS time you spoke up
JMO.
Good Luck.